Really long time!

Okay, it's been almost 6 years since I've written anything! I had forgotten about this blog until I was on ravelry looking for patterns and checked out my profile.  It was connected to this blog and I was reminded about how regularly I used to write.

I feel like I have to add some closure on this site, since I left the reader wondering what happened.  So here's the highlights:

- Johnny and I did take that cruise... one of many vacations together. He proposed January 2, 2011, and we got married May 5, 2012! WOOO HOOO We are still in so much love! January of 2012 our house was finished, we were fortunate enough to go with a builder and have a custom house.  So, next week we will be in our house for 4 years.  It's big and party worthy - I love hosting the big family parties.

- I'm still with the new job, well, it's been 5.5 years, so I wouldn't call it new.  I love it!  Over the last six years I've had 2 changes in leadership, had a team of 6, to a team of 2, to just me.  That's right, I'm now an only in my company.  I'm the only one who does what I do, and that gives me an interesting perspective in many different ways.

- We just adopted a dog in September - a 2.5 year old collie/shepherd/beagle mix.  We really aren't sure what he is, but google shepherd/beagle mix and you get a general idea! He was a rescue, and we are learning all of his quirks.  His name is Rusty and in our eyes he's the best dog ever! He's incredibly sweet, completely home trained, and loves to snuggle... we are still working on walking on a leash when other dogs are on leash.  He just wants to play and finds it hard to focus!

- Johnny and I are trying to have children... it's a work in progress - as my doctor told me that to be most successful I have to lose more weight.  My health is something I talked about a lot and I've been yo-yoing up and down over the last 6 years.  At one point I was down, then I gained it all back, and went down again.  The never ending story! And during that time Johnny and I discovered juicing.  I lost about 40lbs doing that, but once I stopped it came back.  I'm on the downward cycle again, especially now since we have the dog.  I've been tracking my mileage and I do approximately 3 miles a day just walking the dog.  I love it!

- My mental health is awesome! I stopped taking the anxiety meds a couple of months after my wedding - and I haven't needed them since.  It seemed that as soon as I moved out of my mother's house, my life changed - for the better.  The women in my family hold a lot of anxiety within them, and I think it was having a subconscious effect on me.  Yes I went through a lot of self discovery to get to this place - but knock on wood - I haven't had an incident.  Wooo hooo!  I see the patterns in other people now, and I'm working on a book that may help others get to this place.

- I did graduate from my master's program.  Long story short I wrote my practicum at the last minute; and that last minute writing was so excellent (grin) that I got an award of distinction for my work! Yes! What can I say, focused energy with a limited amount of time works for me.  It's a quirk!  I still see my girlfriends from there, actually Stephie and April were in my wedding, and other's were able to attend.  But like life, sometimes we grow apart.  I still talk to Stephanie regularly, and she's on a spiritual journey of her own!  Amazing learning! April moved to California, and she seems to be doing really well for herself! :)

- I've managed to reconnect closer with my family - for awhile the younger cousins and I created the "younger cousins club" and we tried to have dinner together almost once a month.  That idea was conceived during one of the many parties at our house.  However, life has changed - both of my younger cousins are married now, 1 with a 2 year old, and another with a baby due in May!  The babies call my mom "Gigi" because she's their Great-Great-Aunt - 2 Gs. Crazy to think about all of the generations.  My baby cousin Cody, unfortunately, decided to take an "out" on this lifetime about 3 years ago, and that has created a flux in our family dynamic that I don't think we will recover from.  A lot of healing is needed!

- I've reconnected with an old childhood friend, rekindling our best friendship.  Johnny and I are actually going to be godparents to her adorable son, B, and he is truly a blessing of the heart.  What a sweet baby! And I've grown apart from some other friends.... people I talked about regularly on here aren't necessarily close to me any more.  And such is life!  You live and grow! :) I think because Johnny and I moved about 45 minutes north of where I used to live, so lives just naturally move with the distance. 

- If you haven't checked out Sleep No More in NYC - do it!  Johnny and I have been 4 times, and still haven't seen the entire show... worth the money!

Anyway... I hope all of you are well out there in the blog world!  I know I had some faithful readers, so it would be interesting to hear from you - if I don't already follow your life on facebook.  Hopefully it won't be another 6 years before I write again! :)

Where did July go?

Welcome to August 2, with July leaving us so quickly, that I don't know where it went.

To catch the world of my blog up - I've been living the fun life with my boyfriend while trying to ignore my Practicum project. I also love my new job, and I spent a whole week working from home last week, which was AWESOME!

I have one class left in my masters program - August and September... my practicum is due in October, I take my test in November and I'm free! Well, until I decide to start my doctorate. heheh I know, I'm sick.

Mentally I've been doing well, still with the yoga, the breathing coach, loving-kindness meditation, and having fun as much as possible. Physically, not as good. I've been clenching my jaw, which is connected to my tight hips, hurting my ear in my TMJ. So I need more relaxation!

I'm taking Johnny on a weekend cruise in October for his birthday - I can't wait! With the new job I really don't have vacation time, so I can't wait for this one! It will be well worth it! :)

Already July!

Where does the time go?

So I've been working at my new job for a little over 2 weeks, and I love it. I love the mornings I can sleep in until 8, get up, make a fruit smoothie and then sit at my desk in my pjs and begin working! Its AWESOME! I don't like the drive when I have to go to Greenbelt... because its kinda stupid to just run down there for a meeting or so and then drive the whole hour back. But it works. I'm going to start looking into public transportation, as that may allow me to have more time to do work in my commute.

My practicum project is going... I had my second meeting with my client last night, and now I just need to write all the stuff. I have to still write my Statement of Intended Project, a Proposal, and a Contract. I am already a head with my client, working on data collection, but I'm trying to get these pieces off of my plate. I just need to find the time to do them. I had a paper due last weekend for a class, so now my evenings are more free to work on that.

I'm leaving in a little bit to go to NJ to spend the weekend with John. I was hoping that I could work from home on Monday as well, but it looks like I am going into Greenbelt for a meeting. I'll have to come home Sunday night instead... BOOOOOO! I hate these last minute meetings, they get in the way of my social life.

John and I are going out for our anniversary dinner this weekend. Last weekend was our 6th month, but since it was a holiday weekend we really didn't get any time to ourselves. He gave me a beautiful heart necklace that I've been wearing! I'm taking him to dinner... I'm thinking the Melting Pot! I love that place! :)

New Job

Day 2 of my new job.

I started working at Beacon officially yesterday, arriving early in the morning to meet with the Deputy of the department. He gave me my laptop, met with me for a bit, gave me my desk space there, and then sent me home to work for the rest of the day.

I am also working from home today, and its been great. I got up this morning, went to the gym, took a shower, made myself a fruit smoothie, and then began work. I watched some tv during my lunch break, and have been working on and off in my comfy clothes! I like working in shorts and a tank top.

I'll be back in the office tomorrow, meeting with the director for the first time. That's right, I haven't met the director of my department yet. I was hired over the phone, and am slowly putting all the pieces together of who is who.

I think I'm really going to like this! :)

Change, Change is Good!

So, when we last left this episode of Amy's life, I was freaking out about a lot of stuff and having anxiety. I gave in, called my doctor, and went back on my meds. They help me to not sit on something and dwell for hours, causing the anxiety. It is what it is, but I'm feeling 100% better.

With that... on Tuesday I got a call from an old colleague who had a job offer for me. I decided to follow up with that... and long story short - I have a new job. Officially today they sent me my offer letter. I'm going to work for an external consulting firm, doing government consultanting. I can't wait! My official start day is June 21! I get more money, and I get to work from home on days that I'm not at the client's location. I love this! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

I had to resign to my boss today, which prompted me to begin writing my first book. I know, I'm weird, but its an idea that I've been mowing over for a long time. I want to write at least one book in my lifetime, its a good time to start now while everything is fresh!

I'm so happy! Also, for those following along on facebook - I have new pictures from my amazing weekend with Johnny! We got to spend 4 and 1/2 days together, and it was bliss. I miss him. I really am in love with him! :)

Biggest and Best Problem to Have

Time to spill my guts...

Things seem to happen to me at the same time. I was driving to NJ this weekend, and I was reminded of the date, and realized that this time last year started my downward spiral into anxiety. I had a moment of panic, and when I started thinking about what I have to be anxious about, a few different things showed up for me.

First, I'm stressed at work and not currently happy with what I'm doing. Actually, I checked this out with my coworkers, as I mentioned yesterday, and they all feel the same way. We all want to run away somewhere and not show up again. For each of us it is a struggle, and it is not something I carry alone. So I can check that off my list - I'm not going crazy because I don't want to be here. (That is one of the false statements I carry - I "should" be happy at my work all the time and enjoy what I do.)

(Before I go on, I feel like I have to give an explanation - as someone who never felt strong emotions before, when I do feel them, I think I'm going crazy, because I don't know what they are and what is causing them. People who have felt emotions all their life and learned to deal with them, don't have this problem. So I need people around me to keep telling me that I'm normal, and I'm supposed to feel this way.)

Second, I got what I wished for. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the Law of Attraction works. What you ask for and put out in the universe, and mediate on, and feel good vibes about, will be attracted to you. So back in October-November, I was putting out vibes to find my life partner. I did a lot of growing over the last summer months, a lot of determining who I am and wanted to be in life, lived through a lot of emotions and fear, and got to the other side where I felt ready. Now I have him, my Johnny, and I'm scared to death.

I did something I would not normally do with a guy I'm really interested in - I shared my inner self. I explained how stressed and anxious I was feeling about all of my work for school and my job, and how I was afraid that the stress would cause me to melt into anxiety again... I cried - for a good few hours, sharing all the things I worry about - and I basically let him into the wall that I've built around myself. He cried too. He first cried for me, then he cried for his own worries about his parents and their health. Then we decided that we needed to get out of bed, go do something fun, and stop laying there crying.

So here's the problem. I just realized this weekend that I am falling in love, I've let someone into the secret sanctuary of my inner-self, and now I'm scared to death. Why? Because this means I'm growing up, and my inner child is scared shitless about it. She's actually throwing a temper tantrum and wants to hide under the blankets until its all figured out and she doesn't have to deal with it. Growing up sucks. Because with it comes all sorts of responsibility.

I've also lived in the land of someday.... Someday I would fall in love, someday I would own a house, someday I would do this... and surprise - someday is here. And its scaring me to death. John and I talked about getting our own place next summer. (I also have "shoulds" about when it is too soon to talk about these sorts of things, and if relationships seem to be moving too fast - which I'm working against right now too. Entering into this conversation with him and entertaining the idea broke my "should" about this.) That means I have to move out of my house and actually become an adult, not the facade of an adult that I put on. I seem to be two people - the one at work is a total adult - hell, I teach other people how to be adults. Then there is this inner kid who isn't ready to leave her mommy. Then there is Mommy who doesn't want to let me go - because she likes to take care of people and this is the first time she won't have someone to take care of, and has no idea how to do that. (Those were her words last night when I was sharing this with her.) My initial reaction to this - my animal gut - tells me to run away. To go hide somewhere and not deal with it. Its all scary monsters and I need my teddy bear, my blanket, cheese or chocolate, a knitting project, and somewhere to hide where no one can find me.

My gut wants me to maintain status quo - where life doesn't move forward, and life is suspended in time - where none of these things have to happen. Yet that is not what life is. I'm at the biggest turning point and growth of my life - and it is scary as hell.

Most people go through this at a younger age, which leads to a judgement about myself being too old to feel this way and to grow up.

I think the theme of LOST is helpful here - I just need to "let go" and "let it happen" and enjoy it. Reframing is helpful, as this is something that everyone goes through - it is arrogant of me to think that no one has felt this way. But my other habit, my habit of impatience, wants me to have it NOW - and not wait. I'm always looking for the end result, and not too willing to let the ride happen. Example: I'm already looking for PhD programs - my next thing - before I'm even finished my MSOD. This external focus of satisfaction reminds me that I need to get in touch with my internal and spiritual self. That's where true happiness and joy are, not with more achievements. But my need for achievements are driven by my desire to be perfect. Then I question, since I never dated someone like John before, is he going to help or hinder my desire for achievements.

Ahhh... so there is my true learning. I'm too worried about being perfect and living the perfect life, that I am almost willing to run away from the "greatest love of all" and hide. But the truth is, with that kind of love, completeness will find me - and being whole and complete is the true mission in life, not perfection.

So what do I do with myself while my ego is trying to remove the idea of perfection? Because my ego fights it. I read a book once that mentioned that when you are growing and changing, your ego will fight you each step of the way - through fear and anxiety - because it doesn't like to grow and change. It wants to be in control. Like me, I like to be in control - and fear and anxiety mean that I'm not in control. But I can't control growth.

What a weekend!

So, I have to share that I did something I would never normally do in a relationship, I laid my emotions on the line and shared the turmoil that was going on inside of me. I basically had 9 days straight without a break, I have a two page list of things to do, and I just want to run away. I cried with him yesterday, just letting all of the stress go, and getting it out of my system. Actually, he's so sweet, that we both laid in bed, and cried all morning.

The truth is, I just want to run away with John... running away is a trigger to me that I am not having fun in what I'm doing right now. The enormity of the amount of work I have to do is staggering, and plus I am emotionally and mentally tired, which doesn't give me the energy to do anything to chip away at my list.

So now I need to find a way to have fun! I want to do fun things! :)

But I'm proud of myself for sharing... I'm working on letting it out, and not leaving it sucked inside of me. Being authentic is where I need to spend my energy. I don't have it together all the time, I can fail, I don't have to be perfect. I am human.