I had a pretty good weekend: went out with my mom to see The Proposal, talked to my awesome friend Sam, picked up a new book to read on enlightenment, and worked on my paper for class. I'm almost finished the paper, as I have about 2 more sections to get through before I can call it done. I have to finish it by Thursday since I'm going to be away on vacation the next week.
Ohhhhhhhhhh Vacation.... how I love vacation. I'm going on a mini cruise with my Mom to Nassau and NCL's private island over the weekend - Friday to Monday. We are leaving from Miami on Friday. Then I spend the rest of the week, leaving on Wednesday morning, with Sam in Austin. Gosh, I can't wait to go and see him! It's going to be so much fun! I love seeing new places, and just having fun! He has a special place in my heart!
So what have I been pondering about in my life... well, I was talking to April (my classmate) about this last week. I'm bored. I've spent so much time just focused on making my career, getting educated, hitting my goals that I feel like I missed out on having fun. I also feel like I missed out on building really good friendships with other people. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but I started to see that is part of what is missing from my life. My friends met mates, which I don't fault them for, and I love their mates, but that person became their go-to person, and I faded in the background as I became so engrossed in my career and life. Then I woke up around my 30th birthday and realized that while most everyone has someone else, I don't. I'm not necessarily talking about a mate, I'm just talking about someone to call and shoot the breeze with, or someone to run to the mall with. That person for me has been my mother, whom I love very much. But as I get older I need more relationships than just with my mother. I need close friendships. This is no one's fault, it's life and it happens, but I just need to get out there and start reviving the friendships.
One of my circles of intentions that I created was about having intimate relationships with deep love. I don't necessarily mean sexual relationships with that, I mean good friendships that just warm the heart so much that it hurts. Someone I can share all my secrets with. I need to start sharing... and I have that to some degree with my friends now, I just need to develop that more. I also need some single friends, and I'm starting on that path at school with April and Nidhi. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. They are trying to live their lives too, and are going through the same crap that I am.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
New question to ask
Yoga last night was wonderful... we had a lot of beginners in the class, so everything was very slow and guided. I love the meditation at the end, and I just feel so relaxed and calm after doing it. It's almost as good as sex for me. Although, it's not exactly the same thing.. hehe
I did ask my therapist the question, and I am on the right track. Putting this all into perspective has really shown me that I freaked out over something that wasn't that significant. I had a midlife crisis. But I think it was a wake-up call for me to realize that I'm human. I've lived in a safe bubble, blocking out all of the unpleasant aspects of life, and to be faced with it scared the shit out of me. I've become much more sensitive to everything, and it saddens me so much to hear about how poorly others are treating each other. The news kills me at night, and I've taken to not watching it. I knew it before, but I never paid attention.
I've also started trying to get out of my head and into my body. I can't identify what emotions I'm feeling when asked. I honestly don't know. I can tell you what I'm thinking, and if those thoughts are related to emotion in anyway - i.e. I think he's a jerk, therefore I must be feeling upset. I agree with the idea that there are only two basic emotions, fear and love. And all of the other words we use to describe emotions are stemming from those basic feelings. I've only lived in the "love" emotion. Always blocking and brain-handling the "fear" emotions. Rationalization is the key to my survival. However that isn't authentic to my body and my emotions. People always say that to look inside of their heads is a scary thing, but I can honestly say that my brain is working 24/7. I'm never without a thought, and if I'm not thinking about something important then I'm singing a song in my head. It's always on. Yoga meditation helps it to stop.
One way that I want to change is by starting to put myself first. Talking with my therapist last night, we found a trigger question that I can use to help me do that. Because of my strong sense of duty, catholic upbringing, guilt, and my MBTI score, I am compelled to put other people's needs before mine. I can't "not" do it. But she reminded me that everything is a choice, and I can control it. The breaks and free-love that I give other people to be human isn't something that I give myself. I need to be perfect. Or, I needed to be perfect up until this minute. So the new question for me to ask just when I'm about to judge myself or be self-limiting is, "what would I do for someone else in this situation?" and then do it for myself.
I did ask my therapist the question, and I am on the right track. Putting this all into perspective has really shown me that I freaked out over something that wasn't that significant. I had a midlife crisis. But I think it was a wake-up call for me to realize that I'm human. I've lived in a safe bubble, blocking out all of the unpleasant aspects of life, and to be faced with it scared the shit out of me. I've become much more sensitive to everything, and it saddens me so much to hear about how poorly others are treating each other. The news kills me at night, and I've taken to not watching it. I knew it before, but I never paid attention.
I've also started trying to get out of my head and into my body. I can't identify what emotions I'm feeling when asked. I honestly don't know. I can tell you what I'm thinking, and if those thoughts are related to emotion in anyway - i.e. I think he's a jerk, therefore I must be feeling upset. I agree with the idea that there are only two basic emotions, fear and love. And all of the other words we use to describe emotions are stemming from those basic feelings. I've only lived in the "love" emotion. Always blocking and brain-handling the "fear" emotions. Rationalization is the key to my survival. However that isn't authentic to my body and my emotions. People always say that to look inside of their heads is a scary thing, but I can honestly say that my brain is working 24/7. I'm never without a thought, and if I'm not thinking about something important then I'm singing a song in my head. It's always on. Yoga meditation helps it to stop.
One way that I want to change is by starting to put myself first. Talking with my therapist last night, we found a trigger question that I can use to help me do that. Because of my strong sense of duty, catholic upbringing, guilt, and my MBTI score, I am compelled to put other people's needs before mine. I can't "not" do it. But she reminded me that everything is a choice, and I can control it. The breaks and free-love that I give other people to be human isn't something that I give myself. I need to be perfect. Or, I needed to be perfect up until this minute. So the new question for me to ask just when I'm about to judge myself or be self-limiting is, "what would I do for someone else in this situation?" and then do it for myself.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
what is it?
I have my appointment with my therapist tonight and I'm going to talk to her about if I'm doing the right thing. I really got energized this weekend with my classmates about how I want to change my life, as they are all going through something similar to what I am going through. (Interesting side note that very similar people were all drawn to this same program.)
So, most of my conversation in my head is about how I want to change myself, what that would look like, and dreaming about my vacation. Is that what I should be doing? I've never known I had mild depression before or anxiety, and I'm not sure what I should be focusing on to fix it. I have a lot of energy and happiness around changing myself, which in definition means I'm not depressed, and I haven't had any anxiety attacks. Am I fixed? Because I've been told that the medication doesn't work that fast... I've only been taking it for a week and 1/2, and it needs about 30 days. Plus I'm on a really low dose. So if it's not the meds, I'm feeling better on my own, then all of this was just an outrageous over-reaction to feeling intense emotion. And my over-reaction was what brought on more anxiety, because that isn't like me to over-react. I really thought I was going crazy. Hopefully my therapist can shed some light on the subject.
On another note, I'm starting a yoga class this evening. I cannot wait! My body feels so good after yoga...
So, most of my conversation in my head is about how I want to change myself, what that would look like, and dreaming about my vacation. Is that what I should be doing? I've never known I had mild depression before or anxiety, and I'm not sure what I should be focusing on to fix it. I have a lot of energy and happiness around changing myself, which in definition means I'm not depressed, and I haven't had any anxiety attacks. Am I fixed? Because I've been told that the medication doesn't work that fast... I've only been taking it for a week and 1/2, and it needs about 30 days. Plus I'm on a really low dose. So if it's not the meds, I'm feeling better on my own, then all of this was just an outrageous over-reaction to feeling intense emotion. And my over-reaction was what brought on more anxiety, because that isn't like me to over-react. I really thought I was going crazy. Hopefully my therapist can shed some light on the subject.
On another note, I'm starting a yoga class this evening. I cannot wait! My body feels so good after yoga...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Going for the cupcake
I've been focused lately on my patterns that have limited me in my lifetime and trying to figure out how to change it.
I started randomly asking people that if they were at a party, and there was the last cupcake on the table, and they really wanted it, would they take it? (The cupcake can be translated to whatever their favorite thing is.) Most people say yes, or they would ask everyone first and then take it. For me, the answer is no.
My strongest asset is my life-limiting weakness. I meet my own needs on my own. Using the cupcake example, I wouldn't touch it, even if I really wanted it, as I would rationalize that if I really wanted it, I could stop on the way home and pick-up one. I should leave that cupcake for someone who really wants it at the party, and doesn't have the resources or will-power to stop on the way home and pick-up their own.
So how does this translate to life? I never take what I want when I am with other people, I put their needs first, and never express my wants. I always figure that it's more important to spend time with the person, and whatever I want I can get on my own afterwards. This eventually leaves me in relationships living separate lives, where I do my own thing and we always do what the other person wants when we are together. Every guy's dream? Some would say yes, but then I become passive-aggressive, snippy, and sarcastic, because I'm not ever getting what I want, and they aren't checking in with me to ask. But I'm afraid that if I ask, I'll get rejected and lose them. It really is a horrible cycle where I end up only meeting people at the point they are willing to give, and then having to make up the time and put in extra work to cover the distance to meet them there. I end up resenting those that I want to love. Then working extra time on my own to make sure I'm getting what I need.
Stating what I want and expect is really scary for me. I have a high-need to be liked, and rationally I know that's bullshit. That not everyone will like you all the time, but I have to get out of the mindset that I'd rather take what I can get opposed to nothing at all. Something is not better than nothing - it's not working for me anymore.
I started randomly asking people that if they were at a party, and there was the last cupcake on the table, and they really wanted it, would they take it? (The cupcake can be translated to whatever their favorite thing is.) Most people say yes, or they would ask everyone first and then take it. For me, the answer is no.
My strongest asset is my life-limiting weakness. I meet my own needs on my own. Using the cupcake example, I wouldn't touch it, even if I really wanted it, as I would rationalize that if I really wanted it, I could stop on the way home and pick-up one. I should leave that cupcake for someone who really wants it at the party, and doesn't have the resources or will-power to stop on the way home and pick-up their own.
So how does this translate to life? I never take what I want when I am with other people, I put their needs first, and never express my wants. I always figure that it's more important to spend time with the person, and whatever I want I can get on my own afterwards. This eventually leaves me in relationships living separate lives, where I do my own thing and we always do what the other person wants when we are together. Every guy's dream? Some would say yes, but then I become passive-aggressive, snippy, and sarcastic, because I'm not ever getting what I want, and they aren't checking in with me to ask. But I'm afraid that if I ask, I'll get rejected and lose them. It really is a horrible cycle where I end up only meeting people at the point they are willing to give, and then having to make up the time and put in extra work to cover the distance to meet them there. I end up resenting those that I want to love. Then working extra time on my own to make sure I'm getting what I need.
Stating what I want and expect is really scary for me. I have a high-need to be liked, and rationally I know that's bullshit. That not everyone will like you all the time, but I have to get out of the mindset that I'd rather take what I can get opposed to nothing at all. Something is not better than nothing - it's not working for me anymore.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Step 1
Last night I did my first step toward putting my own needs first. It felt really good!
It's a long story, but it'll help me write it out. I met B. online back in 2000. It was when everyone was getting aim and you can search for people to chat with. He found me one day, and we struck up a friendship. And that is just what it was for about 4 years. After 4 years we decided to meet in person, and I flew to his hometown to meet him. We hit it off right away, and I even enjoyed meeting his girlfriend. A few months later, another guy I was talking to online wouldn't get the hint of going away, he kept changing his screen name and talking to me. I lied and told him that I was dating B. I told B. just so he knew what was going on, and I wanted to complain about the other guy. B. had just broken up with his girlfriend (not because of me) and said that we could actually make that to be true... we could be together, and he liked me.
Thus the romance began. He came to visit me, I went back to visit him, and we had long drawn out conversations about our future. He always told me that he didn't know what the future would bring, but if it works out we'd be together. I fell for it. We were friends with lots of interest toward each other. Then a natural disaster happened and he had to move north. He met someone in his new college, and in doing so, broke my heart. I was angry, but like I mentioned about my pattern, I stuffed it down, tried to be an adult about it, and maintain the friendship. We didn't really talk while he was with her, because I didn't want to hear it. I was bitter. But I "did the right thing" and tried to be friends anyway. They broke up about a year and 1/2 later. She broke his heart. He moved back home, and started over.
I have tried to do the right thing and maintain the friendship. We call on holidays and catch up via text message off and on. B. came to see me in January, and the sexual interest we always had was still there, and I actually slept with him. I figured, so what - we're friends, I'm over it.
Fast forward to last night. I heard from him earlier in the day via text msg, he wanted to know how I was doing. He doesn't know about any of my recent personal emotional drama. I told him it was too much too txt and we'd chat, as a lot has been going on. I got home last night and while mowing the lawn, I started thinking about him. And I got really angry. Why? Because he was one of the people that I suppressed my emotions about in honor of doing the "right thing" in order to maintain the friendship. I never told him how angry I was, or hurt, or how rejected I felt by him going out with her. He knew I wasn't happy, but not to what extent. I never shared it, because I didn't want to be rejected. I took what I could get from him, and tried to make that enough. I never gave him my expectations. Frankly, I didn't want to talk to him last night.
He called, and my first Step was ignoring his phone call. The old Amy would have taken it, stuffed down her anger, and pretended that everything was okay in order to maintain the relationship. She would have acted happy on the phone, and would have been really supportive to him and his issues, but never really shared her own. She wouldn't have been authentic.
I feel guilty. He doesn't know any of this, and it's almost unfair to share it with him now, 5 years later. So here I am, stuck in situations where I am friends with men who I have had strong interest in, never shared my expectations with them, and I've been living a lie in order to keep them in my life. I always felt that some contact with them is better than no contact. Now I'm not so sure. Every time I see them it reminds me that I wasn't right for them, but I'm good enough to be their best friend and confidant. Why?
It's a long story, but it'll help me write it out. I met B. online back in 2000. It was when everyone was getting aim and you can search for people to chat with. He found me one day, and we struck up a friendship. And that is just what it was for about 4 years. After 4 years we decided to meet in person, and I flew to his hometown to meet him. We hit it off right away, and I even enjoyed meeting his girlfriend. A few months later, another guy I was talking to online wouldn't get the hint of going away, he kept changing his screen name and talking to me. I lied and told him that I was dating B. I told B. just so he knew what was going on, and I wanted to complain about the other guy. B. had just broken up with his girlfriend (not because of me) and said that we could actually make that to be true... we could be together, and he liked me.
Thus the romance began. He came to visit me, I went back to visit him, and we had long drawn out conversations about our future. He always told me that he didn't know what the future would bring, but if it works out we'd be together. I fell for it. We were friends with lots of interest toward each other. Then a natural disaster happened and he had to move north. He met someone in his new college, and in doing so, broke my heart. I was angry, but like I mentioned about my pattern, I stuffed it down, tried to be an adult about it, and maintain the friendship. We didn't really talk while he was with her, because I didn't want to hear it. I was bitter. But I "did the right thing" and tried to be friends anyway. They broke up about a year and 1/2 later. She broke his heart. He moved back home, and started over.
I have tried to do the right thing and maintain the friendship. We call on holidays and catch up via text message off and on. B. came to see me in January, and the sexual interest we always had was still there, and I actually slept with him. I figured, so what - we're friends, I'm over it.
Fast forward to last night. I heard from him earlier in the day via text msg, he wanted to know how I was doing. He doesn't know about any of my recent personal emotional drama. I told him it was too much too txt and we'd chat, as a lot has been going on. I got home last night and while mowing the lawn, I started thinking about him. And I got really angry. Why? Because he was one of the people that I suppressed my emotions about in honor of doing the "right thing" in order to maintain the friendship. I never told him how angry I was, or hurt, or how rejected I felt by him going out with her. He knew I wasn't happy, but not to what extent. I never shared it, because I didn't want to be rejected. I took what I could get from him, and tried to make that enough. I never gave him my expectations. Frankly, I didn't want to talk to him last night.
He called, and my first Step was ignoring his phone call. The old Amy would have taken it, stuffed down her anger, and pretended that everything was okay in order to maintain the relationship. She would have acted happy on the phone, and would have been really supportive to him and his issues, but never really shared her own. She wouldn't have been authentic.
I feel guilty. He doesn't know any of this, and it's almost unfair to share it with him now, 5 years later. So here I am, stuck in situations where I am friends with men who I have had strong interest in, never shared my expectations with them, and I've been living a lie in order to keep them in my life. I always felt that some contact with them is better than no contact. Now I'm not so sure. Every time I see them it reminds me that I wasn't right for them, but I'm good enough to be their best friend and confidant. Why?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Feeling better
Talking to my therapist, I learned a few things about myself that I think I knew, but didn't want to acknowledge. In relationships I have learned to be invisible and indispensable. That way I don't get rejected. However, that hasn't been working for me for a long time, but I didn't know any other way.
I'm naturally nice and caring; however I have been living for other people for so long that I don't know what I need or want for myself. And if I have an idea, I'm so afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be rejected or lose the love. So I take what I can get from other people, never ask for what I need, and try to fulfill myself the best way I can. But it isn't working. So I'm learning to ask for what I want and need, and not put myself on the back-burner anymore. It was ingrained in me that asking for what I want is selfish, and selfish is not a good thing to be. But it's not selfish, it's fair.
I had a really good weekend at school. It felt so good to connect with so many women who are going through the same things I am, or have went through it. Apparently everyone is searching to find out who they are... I've always tried to be perfect by pretending to know what that is. That's my other issue, I have a need to be perfect. But no human is... that was hard to learn. I knew that, and I probably told other people that, but I never believed it. I always felt that I have to be more than the average bear, so that I would get the love. Failure means rejection to me.
But all of that is going to change... slowly. I'm reinventing myself, and it is exciting. But also very scary. Because before when I knew exactly what the path was, now I have no idea. All I can do is live each day and see what happens... I don't like not knowing. It makes me irritated and inpatient. So I'm relearning patience with myself.
I don't know how I got to the point where I thought humanity didn't apply to me. That it was okay for everyone else to be human and go through emotions and be a screw-up if they wanted, but I couldn't. I used to be filled with such indignation about that. I've had the thought, "here I am being perfect for you, doing whatever you wanted and asked, and you choose someone else who can't even hold it together..." Then I'd blame myself.
Anyway... now I'm trying to figure out who I want to be! Who is that person that I see?
I'm naturally nice and caring; however I have been living for other people for so long that I don't know what I need or want for myself. And if I have an idea, I'm so afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be rejected or lose the love. So I take what I can get from other people, never ask for what I need, and try to fulfill myself the best way I can. But it isn't working. So I'm learning to ask for what I want and need, and not put myself on the back-burner anymore. It was ingrained in me that asking for what I want is selfish, and selfish is not a good thing to be. But it's not selfish, it's fair.
I had a really good weekend at school. It felt so good to connect with so many women who are going through the same things I am, or have went through it. Apparently everyone is searching to find out who they are... I've always tried to be perfect by pretending to know what that is. That's my other issue, I have a need to be perfect. But no human is... that was hard to learn. I knew that, and I probably told other people that, but I never believed it. I always felt that I have to be more than the average bear, so that I would get the love. Failure means rejection to me.
But all of that is going to change... slowly. I'm reinventing myself, and it is exciting. But also very scary. Because before when I knew exactly what the path was, now I have no idea. All I can do is live each day and see what happens... I don't like not knowing. It makes me irritated and inpatient. So I'm relearning patience with myself.
I don't know how I got to the point where I thought humanity didn't apply to me. That it was okay for everyone else to be human and go through emotions and be a screw-up if they wanted, but I couldn't. I used to be filled with such indignation about that. I've had the thought, "here I am being perfect for you, doing whatever you wanted and asked, and you choose someone else who can't even hold it together..." Then I'd blame myself.
Anyway... now I'm trying to figure out who I want to be! Who is that person that I see?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Feeling Raw
On the good side, I got my test results back from my blood work from my doctor, and I am completely healthy! Pretty good for a plus-sized gal! Which means that I do not have a chemical imbalance, I'm just going through a rough time.
I think the meditation knocked down my protective wall. Things that don't normally bother me, for instance stories on the news, that I would normally block out and hardly pay attention to, I now feel emotional about. I never liked it when people were hurt or abused, my gosh, that bothered me even as a little girl - but I was always able to stay unemotional about it, and block it. I can't seem to do that anymore.
I know I bring these things on myself. I had written in a few papers of mine for class that I want to start feeling... that I normally feel numb because I rationalize everything. I only let myself feel happy, or up until now I only let myself feel happy. Now it seems that I am feeling everything. I also asked to start feeling in my prayers. It's like the flood gate is now open. Is this what normal people feel like?
I am apparently a very emotional and sensitive woman. who knew? But my logic and reason haven't been lost... they are in there too - I just need to find balance.
I think the meditation knocked down my protective wall. Things that don't normally bother me, for instance stories on the news, that I would normally block out and hardly pay attention to, I now feel emotional about. I never liked it when people were hurt or abused, my gosh, that bothered me even as a little girl - but I was always able to stay unemotional about it, and block it. I can't seem to do that anymore.
I know I bring these things on myself. I had written in a few papers of mine for class that I want to start feeling... that I normally feel numb because I rationalize everything. I only let myself feel happy, or up until now I only let myself feel happy. Now it seems that I am feeling everything. I also asked to start feeling in my prayers. It's like the flood gate is now open. Is this what normal people feel like?
I am apparently a very emotional and sensitive woman. who knew? But my logic and reason haven't been lost... they are in there too - I just need to find balance.
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