Actually, it does feel like a literal grind, I have a kink in my neck that just won't go away. And I'm sleepy.
It took me all day Saturday to readjust to being back home in Baltimore. I now understand the concept of "cultural island" as it's a hard place to get into and a hard place to leave. I just felt disconnected and unable to process things quickly as life was happening around me. Sunday I felt better, but I'm still tired.
So Bethel, as those in the "know" call it, was an intense experience. We really didn't do much during the day, physically, except for talking and being honest with each other. Honesty is harder than it looks, as it's emotionally ringing. Living together in the Big Glen House was a sanctuary and yet a never ending conversation. It was as if class was 24 hours a day, and I got a short nap in overnight to compensate.
I needed affection and shelter. Not that I needed to hide, but I just needed to be held and allowed to rest without interruption - that would have recharged my batteries. Unfortunately Sam was in Baltimore for a drop-off, and my one opportunity to get recharged with him (get your mind out of the gutter) was lost, as I was in Maine. But I'm going to see him in the middle of May, and my collective internal batteries can't wait. I just really really enjoy him, and he's awesome to boot! Such great energy we share!
We talked about diversity, and primarily the Quadrant Theory. This conversation came up day and day-out as we tried to understand the limitations and privileges from being inside of a category. The white women didn't feel comfortable meeting together as we frankly thought from the outside that it would look a klan meeting, and we talked about why we don't work together against the white male. The white male is at the top of the food chain, and he can basically filter in and out and not worry about being accepted anywhere. The white woman is next in line, then the men of color, followed by the women of color. Apparently this whole ideal that people my age were taught growing up about not seeing some one's color or status was huey, as we deny the person their history and understanding of their limitations of those categories when we ignore it. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, as I think it denies the individual to blanket a system view, but I'm getting it.
We also took the FIRO-B, which is another preferences instrument that measures inclusion, control, and affection. It was great seeing how my cohort settles itself in those areas and what that means for people. My cohort somehow wants everyone to get along and avoid conflict, so it was interesting to see people finally taking a stand for themselves.
I got angry during the first couple of sessions. We had to break into pairs, then the pairs had to find another pair. 4 other people opted out, so they get to choose which quad they wanted to be in. We had our quad formed, and it was an equal balance of diversity and theory. Yet, one group refused to be made into a quad together, as the rule was we couldn't become a quad until everyone was satisfied. This exercise took us almost 2 days to complete, instead of 2 hours as intended. The other pair that my partner and I were working with were willing to compromise to work with the person that no one wanted to work with. This is when I got angry after letting it marinate. My group was the first to speak up and offer to switch partners for the "better-ment of the whole." I got pissed, because that's what I always do in life, and it was no longer fair to me. I'm tired of always taking one for the team so that someone else can have their way. No one else was willing to compromise. I was HOT! Fortunately, just before I was ready to go off on everyone, a few of the other quads spoke up and were willing to compromise. I actually ended up with a group that worked, and I liked... fate was amazing that way.
My take-away was that I need to work on not being so accommodating. It's natural for me, as being with the people is more important to me than doing what I dictate that I want. But it seems that often no one wants to hear my side or asks what I want... they take for granted that they are the lone decision maker with me. I need to start voicing what I want, and allow other people to accommodate my needs. That's tricky, as it sounds bitchy to me, but I can't take a back-seat forever.
Speaking of tricky, I saw a moose! Here...moosey, moosey actually works! hehe :)
I want to buy a vacation home in Bethel. Or some small town like it, where the doors can remain unlock, and people trust their neighbors. Old fashioned isn't so bad after all.
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