my magic wand

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand. If I did, I'd use it to transport myself to a tropical island and work from there.

Speaking of islands, I watched LOST last night! It was the season ending, and it appears that the island is man-made... which just opens a whole new bag of bones. And, the viewer finally found out who was in the coffin... I can't wait for the next season to start!

I've been tracking my moods over the past two months, and I finally figured out how the progestin (norgestimate) has been affecting me, after almost two years of taking it. I never really paid attention before. I like the green and white pills, as that's when I find myself on a high and just want to love people and enjoy life and just hug everyone. The light blue pill and the dark blue pill are okay, but I find myself a little more moody on the dark blue pill - very introspective, and not very tolerant of annoyances.

I've noticed my blog changes with those moods as well... sometimes I'm very insightful on the blue pills, and then very light and airy on the green and white ones. The green ones are placebos, and the white ones are the lowest dose of progestin. It's interesting how hormones can affect the body! I just started taking my next cycle - so I'm giddy as a fish! hehehehe Unfortunately my body can't regularly cycle by itself, thus why I'm on the pills. So, with my magic wand, I'd fix that too.

My other thing I would "fix" is take all the qualities I like from my past interests and exes, and make them into one hot man! Some sex appeal from one, humor of another, knowing how to take care of a lady from a different one, great hands and wisdom from another, looks from all of them, intelligence and street smarts from a few, financial wisdom and agility from one, class and old world style from a couple, and strength from all of them. Sign me up! hehe

lovers...

I want a lover.

I think my audience of readers who like to still think I'm virginal and innocent just fell on the floor with a heart attack, but they'll live.

French, Italian, and Irish men are known for their skills, so maybe I should travel and find one. They can call me their darling as they whisper secrets in my ear.

As a co-worker said the other day, her friend knits because she isn't getting any... hmmmm....

I'm also taken up writing erotica again, but only in my head. I pulled up a few of my stories that are published on the website, and have been wondering how my maturity can contribute/change some of the story-lines. It was a long time ago when I wrote those. I have a few of the scenes that I would like to see played out on paper, but I'm still trying to figure out how I can get the characters to that point. But it's going to be juicy!

I'm going to the beach!

Yes! I'm finally getting my beach weekend away. Ryan booked the room last night, and Heather, Ryan's friend Josh, and maybe Heather's friend Michelle, and I are heading down the last weekend in June. I CANNOT WAIT!

I've been talking about getting away for a long weekend, and nothing is better than spending it with a few friends. We are staying right on the boardwalk, so there will be lots of people watching opportunities, and some drinks had by all!

I'm also trying to talk a friend into taking a long weekend vacation with me to Vegas. We both need the mental break after everything that's been going on recently, and Vegas is a great place to let go. Hopefully I'll get a "yes". I double-dog dared him... hehe

Bonsai... not just a small tree! (Bowling - week 3)

Okay, so the title of the blog is for Ryan and Heather - nods to you! We were at bowling last night, and Ryan was playing his game of "let's see what we can get Amy to do", and asked me to scream Bonsai after I rolled the ball down the alley. To humor him, I did (although, no screaming was done), and I got a strike. His words, "I see the name of your next blog!"

Anyway! My average from the two weeks is just shy of 100, by 2 freaking points! But I bowled a 134, 85, and 104 last night, so I'm hoping to increase the average. It's not that I have gutter balls, I can get the ball down the alley. It's that I can't pick up the points on the spare consistently. My aim is slightly off, and the ball just grazes the pins, not knocking them down. We were bowling against an older man on the opposing team last night, and I don't know how he does it. He wanders up there, bends his knees, and just launches his arm and the ball in the air, and gets a strike. If he missed anything, he always picked it up for the spare. Un-freaking-believable!

I woke up with a stiff back this morning, so I think it's time to use my gift certificate to the spa. Last year my co-workers and I had a spaliday right before Christmas, and I experienced my first Raindrop Therapy. IT'S HEAVEN! My massage therapist was great as well, wonderful personality, so I will ask for her when I go back. Basically, the treatment consists of 7-9 essential oils that are dropped down your spine one by one. After each oil is dropped, there's a different massage technique used on your back. This is after some basic relaxing massage at the beginning, and in the middle there's a full back massage. The treatment ends with a foot massage... I'm melting in my chair just thinking about it. I may just add a facial, just to get the full relaxing pampering experience.

That is one thing I miss about having a boyfriend, the soothing touch of someone who cares.

the great weigh-in!

I hate scales. I've always been over-weight, or "full-figured" as we in the "know" like to call it. I learned a long time ago to accept who I am. Looks may attract a person to you in the beginning, but if there isn't substance beneath, they won't be staying for long. I think that's why I've spent most of my life figuring myself out and grooming my inner core into a woman I can be proud of.

I've watched some of the "60 minute" shows where the skinny women dress up in the fat-suit to see if they are treated differently. And they normally get stares, and the camera catches people making comments behind their back. People ask them to move their seats, and they were asked to purchase additional seats on airplanes because of their size. Yet, either I'm oblivious to everything around me or that really isn't reality - as it's never happened to me. According to a text book definition, I'm "morbidly obese", so it's not as if I have an exaggerated view of my image. I haven't experienced size discrimination since I was a little girl. Maybe it's because I enter every situation with confidence and have a commanding presence, or so I've been told.

But, just because I accept and love myself as I am doesn't mean I shouldn't be a healthy weight. As health problems go, knock on wood, I don't have any - and I want to keep it that way!

The Biggest Loser contest at work just started with my team this afternoon. I'm happy, as I'm 3 pounds lighter than when I last weighed myself at the gym a week ago, and I just ate lunch. I think I have a total of about 6 pounds lost since I started a month ago! WOOO HOOO I'm going to be the biggest loser!

My main problem with eating is portion control. Not that I'm like some of the stories you hear on TV where the people have 3 dozen eggs for breakfast! But I've always cleaned my plate... even though they serve you enough for two at a restaurant. And if the food is sitting there in front of me, and I'm talking to people, I'll pick. Which quickly adds up in the scheme of things! I'm trying to be a conscious eater, and eat slowly so that I can feel myself get full. I have self-control in everything else, I just need to slow down and use that ability to exert control over my portions.

My other issue is that I love food. An old friend used to call it a "food-gasam." Just the tastes and the textures on the tongue would be a enough to take me to a happy place. I'm such a sensualist. I like trying different things and eating out... which will just lead me to make better choices and exert control while I'm out.

So that's one more thing I'll be tracking on my blog... my weight loss for the next 15 weeks, and my bowling average!

Speaking of bowling... I'm hoping my average is close or over 100 tonight! Why can't we duck-pin bowl? My arm lasts longer when I do that!

Week 4 in my year of 29

So it's back to the grind after a nice and relaxing weekend off. I had to get up extra early and take my shower as the guy was coming between 7:30-9:00am to fix the water heater. Hopefully he's been there by now, or at least gave an estimation of when he was arriving to my mother. You can never be so sure about these things!

I bought a new knitting book, which just gives me more ideas for projects to start. I'm really committed to finish the baby bunny blankie first, as that was my birthday resolution. I don't know what's wrong with me when it comes to knitting - maybe that is my ADD fix. I normally finish everything I start, and stick to it through the end, as that is something I value. Yet, I can't seem to finish a knitting project. I get bored with the repition of the whole thing. I like the part when I'm learning a new stich, or have to do something intricate for the pattern, but I don't like when I have to do something over and over again for a long period of time. Plus, I want my work to be neat and orderly, so I still have to pay attention to the tension of the yarn and my needle work when I'm constantly repeating rows knitting for inches at a time.

My director is out of the office today as she is still dealing with the squirrles in her attic. No, I'm not making this up. But I never knew that squirrles were destructive, as I just always see them hanging out in the backyard. But, good news for me, I get more time to work instead of meeting with her today.

This is week 4 in my year of 29. So what is new: joined a bowling league, interviewed for my master's program, reconnected with friends, started looking for activity partners online again, went through a few phases in the healing process, started working out and changing my eating habits, about to start the biggest loser team at work, and almost finished the baby blanket. Not too shabby!

Memorial Weekend Ramblings...

I couldn't have asked for better weather this weekend if I planned it myself! Good work, God! However, the bluegrass festival wasn't as successful as I think they were hoping. I took a few pictures, but it was so empty that they look like a lonely carnival hanging out by itself.

But, I do think we can chalk this up as a practice year, and plan better next year. Mainly, not to make it on a holiday weekend, and secondly, to extend the music on Saturday night. We had people coming for a night of festivities at 7pm, and the music was over at 8pm.

It felt wonderful to be outside and enjoying the warm breeze. My friend Kelly offered the suggestion of using dryer sheets to avoid mosquitoes, which really worked well. However, I forgot the sunblock, and have spots of color where the umbrella wasn't covering me.

Mom and I scrubbed down the outside of the house and deck this weekend, and put the new deck furniture on it, which looks great. I'm a little nervous of one set of chairs that mom bought, as they recline in a weird way, and one has to ease into them. Practice makes perfect!

We went to Carson's Creekside for dinner tonight, which we enjoyed on their deck on the water. Lovely scenery and tasty strawberry mojitos! I have to keep that place in mind the next time I'm meeting people for dinner.

I ran into on my ex online last night. We caught up on what's been happening with each other, but I have to keep remembering that he's not my responsibility. I really miss having a significant other to share everything with. But, one day, my prince will come... or so the Cinderella movie told me.

Welcome, Summer!

I can't wait for the weekend to start! Long weekends relaxing in the summer are the best. And, the weather looks like it's going to actually cooperate and be warm and wonderful!

I love all things outside during the warmer months - expect that they don't normally love me. I'm the poor fool with the sunburn and 50 million mosquito bites; there's normally one in every crowd. But, carnivals, wine festivals, festivals in general, deck parties, parades, restaurants with outside seating, listening to music on the lawn, relaxing on a beach - all of it, just makes me happy.

Hopefully some friends and I will get a chance to go to the beach like we are planning for the end of June. I have 3 umbrellas and SPF 50 - I'm ready! My skin is just too fair to really withstand anything... I burn, freckle, and turn pale again. I have bathing suit "tan" lines from 10 years ago, when I got really burnt at the beach. I call them "tan" lines, but they are really freckles, but you can see where my bathing suit straps were - as there aren't freckles there. I'm hoping that one day they organize and form a union, and I'll be all one color. I even got burnt in the car on the way to the beach, as we sat in traffic. The sun was blaring in on my thigh and needless to say it didn't end well.

But, such is life! That doesn't mean I'm not going to go out and enjoy it! I'm just trying to find a way to not attract mosquitoes so much. I've learned to not where my perfume, or any other scent, I've used the "protective lotion", and the candles, and it still doesn't work! I just have to cover my feet and legs if I'm going to be out in the grass - which makes me sad, as I love my flip flops!

Anyway, I'm just so excited - this is going to be a great weekend! I get to meet new people, help out for a good cause, and just enjoy myself! WOOOO HOOOOO!

nostalgia bites...

I've been trying to figure out the different cycles that I'm going through while healing from the breakup, and why they happen. I love to ask why, even if there isn't a definite answer, but it helps me to put things into perspective.

I know at first I was shocked, and all I could do was cry. Then there was hurt, followed by anger, but I wasn't expecting the nostalgic phase. I figured I would see things that would remind me of my ex, and think about it, but not about other men in my life from before.

I think my "hot" feelings that I was having for a past interest stemmed from that. Wondering what would have happened if a chain of events didn't go into action. How would my life be different now, and where would I be? I think he is a great person to have those feelings about, because he really taught me a lot about myself, and my needs. He will always have a place in my heart because of those reasons, and that place is unconditional. I wonder if he thinks about what it would have been like too? Sometimes I think that he touched my life, and he meant more to me, than I ever will to him.

To be honest, I a put up a brave front, but I'm still really sad about everything. I had to go to Columbia today for the service awards, and that entire section of town is ripe with memories of our time together. I try to push them away, but they keep circling back to me. He had some relationship issues, but in all honesty, he was a pretty great boyfriend in the beginning. Yeah, he started to pull away from me, but it still hurts that he wasn't willing to love me more than he loves himself. This is the first time my heart has been broken like this. Like I mention in my "about me", I'm a late bloomer. My past break-ups weren't that serious, so it was easier for me.

My one cousin asked if I would take him back. And to be honest, I don't know. I do know that a lot of things would have to change, but I can't help but feel that he really doesn't know what a relationship should be like. I gave him so much freedom, and I trusted him completely, and he never betrayed me. I was okay with him putting his career first, and I encouraged him to do that. I was happy and secure in knowing that no matter what happened, where he traveled, or where grad school was going to lead me, we'd be in it together.

Not long ago, he applied for a job offer in Australia. I distinctly remember our emails discussing this while we were at work, and he was adamant that this decision be "ours" because he wanted me to be happy too. He didn't want to go if I wasn't going to be happy. I told him to go. That we would work it out, and a year or two down the road, if it became permanent, we'd talk about us moving there. We talked about moving to New York, if he was going to change careers and go into finance. There were just so many "plans" but the constant was that we were always doing them together. I mean, this is the year we were going to travel abroad together instead of state-side, as he couldn't wait for me to get my passport and show me the world.

I look at other people in similar situations, and I think that I'm better off then they are. At least I wasn't married and this happened. I don't think that it's my ego that took a blow. Because I know that I'm a great girlfriend, and I'm a top-notch friend, and I'm doable. It's just the reminiscing of everything that was "supposed" to happen that makes me sad.

I hear what he said, meaning I've internalized it and accepted it as fact. But I just don't understand how things spiraled out of control so quickly.

Yet, I don't need that shit. I deserve someone who is going to go out of their way to love me, for me.

feeling good...

I'm feeling good today. For some reason my stomach has been acting up the last couple of nights, and then I started to think I had gallbladder problems, which made me freak out, and cause more anxiety then needed, which in turn made my stomach hurt... it was just a needless cycle of wasted energy. The Internet doesn't help - I have to stop self-diagnosing! Before the afternoon was out I had a magnitude of diseases and problems. My mom basically told me to stop being an idiot and worrying myself about things, and if something was really wrong, I'd know it. How true! I've been under a lot of stress and reorganization of my life plan recently, so this may be a symptom of that too.

I've started taking flax seed oil as well in the morning and evening with meals. It has a weird oil taste when ingested by itself, but overall the benefits of it outweigh anything else. It has more omega3 than fish, and helps with digestion, lowering cholesterol, joint aches, shiny hair, etc. Along with my new diet and work-out schedule, I'm starting to see a lot of changes.

Now I'm just looking for a better tasting red wine... Mom had purchased a few bottles at a wine sale for charity, and they are okay, but not my favorite. I'm more of a white wine drinker anyway, but the red has better health benefits. My tolerance must be low, as one glass with dinner has been making me very sleepy in the evenings, which is why I haven't been on the computer at night! My pictures will be posted soon... I have some from Ben's birthday and my bowling shoes.

Anyway - Today is the service awards at work, and since I'm in my 5th year, I get an award for 5 years of service. Yay! We'll see how this goes, I've heard interesting stories about the program, but I'm sure I'll have at least something interesting to talk about that happened from it tomorrow.

bowling, bluegrass, and volunteer work!

"I told you, I was trouble..." I love Amy Winehouse, the poor misguided soul - but boy can she sing!

Anyway, last night was week 2 of bowling, and I'm happy to report that I did much better than last week. I'm embarrassed to share my average from last week, as it's under 100, but I can proudly say that I wasn't in last place. However, my team finished second overall - go team! Hopefully my average will increase with this week's scores, and I'll be proud to post it next week.

Ryan and I were trying to figure out how we can win in the end without ever having the highest scores... I'm not sure if that would ever work, because math was never our strong subject, but the odds don't look to be in our favor. We were a little unsettled as the team we were playing was missing 3 players, so 3 "vacancies" were on the board - which means an average of the other 2 players was created for them. The invisible people had at least a spare every frame - which isn't very realistic. Maybe I should become invisible next week in order to increase my average.... hmmm...

But - I did take pictures of my kickass bowling shoes, and will be posting them later!

This weekend is the first annual Middle River Bluegrass Festival/Carnival at Our Lady Queen of Peace, my church. Members of my family and I put our name on the volunteer form, and I got signaled out. Apparently the volunteer coordinator is pregnant and can't work the entire time, so a lovely checkmark appeared next to my name as a replacement. I'll be working from 4:30-11:30pm on Saturday and pretty much open to close on Sunday at the festival. Fortunately I'm just responsible for the volunteers, and will not be making fried dough like some of my family.

I'm not a huge bluegrass fan, and Ryan already stated he can't go because he didn't marry his sister (hehehehe), but I think it should be an interesting event! There are 6-7 bands, and the Rob Byer Band actually won the contest to open for Kenny Chesney when he was in town a few weekends ago. It's very reasonable too, $5 for adults for the entire day, and $15 for a family.

Hopefully we'll have a huge turnout, and this will become an annual event. I'm concerned with the marketing that's been happening, as I haven't seen it anywhere but at my church. Apparently there were 2000 postcards that went out to certain zipcodes. They need lots of signs and flyers everywhere!

I'm praying for great weather!

grad school update...

I just got back to the office after my graduate school interview in DC. I'm not sure if it went well or not. They were doing a lot of head nodding and writing as I was answering their questions, but they were very hard to read. I don't know what type of student normally applies, but they asked a lot of questions around my writing skills and undergrad grades.

As part of the application I had to submit two articles, essays, or stories that I've written, which I didn't have. I explained that most of my work involves technical writing and facilitators guides, thus why I didn't have published articles to submit, and turned in some of my guides. They seemed okay with that, and then went on to explain that you learn how to do the writing in the first class anyway.

I will freely admit that I didn't do well my first two semesters at VJC, which ruined my cumulative GPA and I lost my academic scholarship. However, I have over a 3.0 for my last 60 credits. But they seemed to be giving me conflicting information, saying that I may be conditionally accepted to the college because of that, yet on the criteria that I remember reviewing, one needed at least a 3.0 in the last 60 credits to be fully accepted.

They also kept using the word "if" - "if you are accepted..." maybe that's just the language they use. But I was also offended that I got lumped into the "Catholic Corner." I had put on my resume the OD work that I'm doing with my church - as it pretains to my field of study. One of the first questions they asked me was about that work, and what I was doing. So I explained the reasoning behind it, and what sort of work that was taking place. The director then asked me before closing the meeting if I would be okay working in the cohort with people who did not agree with my religious views and were either gay/lesbian/transgender because that may stand for everything my religion is against. I told her that I didn't have any problem working with diversity, and some of my close friends are gay/lesbian. But I think she needs to take a class on diversity if she thinks that all Catholic's are the same, and I would make a hostile environment based on that.

Anyway, I'm probably reading way more into all of this then there is, as they were using a standard form, and the one lady kept saying "you won't have any problem being successful here" - but it just struck me as odd to ask those sorts of questions. They even asked about money, and if it would be a financial problem with me paying for the program... just struck me as odd!

more monday thoughts....

I'm pondering a lot today... maybe I'm PMSing and that's what is driving me to over think and think some more.

I wonder why it is, that when someone sends an email, it takes so long for others to get back to them. And it's funny, because I can see that the status of the email I sent was "read", and that the various people sign-in to the program multiple times during the day, so it's not like they are "away".. yet a reply has yet to arrive. Is it that they are too busy to reply, not know what they want to say in reply, or really have no interest in maintaining a viable communication channel? It's not as if I'm asking them to defend their thesis here, the question was simply, "I'm fine. How are you?"

I'm going to start doing that to them... or require they attend my department's class on timely communication. Hell, I will gladly print them a learning map that they can use on their leisure to improve this competency. It has suggested readings, learning activities, and tasks they can do to fully understand how to become successful at it.

love is...

Mass with Msgr. on Sunday mornings is always interesting. He didn't disapoint as he forgot to send the children to Children's Liturgy, and then remembered when it was time for them to come back. But the kicker is that the first lector sent the kids to Children's Liturgy, right in front of Msgr., and he seemed to miss it.

But... he did have an interesting beginning to his homily, which rarely happens. His homily was on love, and how we should love one another, without limits. I personally agree with that statement, and try to show and share my love for everyone.

That's really hard to begin doing, as a lifelong habit of annoyances gets in the way. But habits take about 20 days to form, so if you can make it over that hump, it works. I think it involves looking at the world with wonder and awe, and seeing people as misguided souls, not hazards to your life. Switching that focus really frees you up to love.

Once you are open to love, in my humble opinion, it's really easy to begin forgiving. "Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing," is the greatest example of this that Msgr. shared. But I think that fact is very true, most of the hurts that we feel are from people not realizing what they are doing or the impact of their actions. If someone is delibertly trying to hurt you, then that's a matter of a different nature and they deserve a swift kick. A hurt that we feel is normally from a missed expectation that we had for another person. How can we expect them to do something, without first telling them - we aren't mind-readers. In this case, honest and open communication is the only way to solve that from happening.

Why is it so hard to do that in relationships? I never had a problem telling someone how I felt, but the other person always did. Is it because they were afraid of what I would do with that knowledge? Or a lack of maturity in handling their own feelings?

Things to ponder on a Monday morning...

what's missing...

The facilitation on Friday to the leadership team went really well. I kept it short and sweet, but I still don't think they truly get the concept. I was okay with the idea of discussing corrective action after my piece on coaching and feedback, but after the presentation of it, I wanted to just fall on the floor. All of my hard work just went down the drain with all the rain water. They are really quick to jump to writing people up, without working on the behavior that they are seeing. It seems that they are more interested in protecting their assess then treating their employees with value.

I also nearly came out of my chair when their leader-leader-leader missed the presentation on chapter 5 of "Good to Great" and wanted to know if they discussed what their group does well. I explained that the two mangers leading that section put a personal twist on the subject to ask what each person was passionate about and how they can use that passion to make a better leadership team. He said that it was already clear to him that they would never have the greatest doctors, or the best practices. To which I replied that is the precise reason they need to find something they are good at, such as customer service. I nearly hauled off and decked him when he started laughing and said, "These people? You have to be joking; the people who work for this company will never give exceptional service." Then they wonder, yet again, why they have problems...

Anyway... on to happier things. My coworker came in with her baby on Friday! Yay! I hurried back from the corporate office to spend a few minutes with baby Jackson. He's so precious, and his momma is in dire need of some margaritas! My other coworker and I are going to deliver on that promise and take Jordan out for some much needed girl time. I'm almost finished his blanket as well, I just need to knit the bunny head and it will be complete!

Last night was my cousin-in-law Wayne's surprise party. And he was truly surprised! It was great fun out on the deck, with some heaters to keep us warm. Wayne's nephew was on leave from the service and in town, and he's matured into a wonderfully sweet and oh-so-hot young man... unfortunately he's too young for me. So sad... but he was fun to talk to, and I wish him the best of luck for his return to Georgia. I had a few strawberry mojitos which managed to keep me warm through the evening - very yummy!

I spent today at my cousin Ben's 3rd birthday. I was mistaken and thought he was going to be 4, but he's only 3. SO CUTE! He's really into Thomas the Tank and has lots of new toys to play with. Mom and I also got him Cootie, which was my favorite game when I was around his age. He's such a friendly, sweet little boy, with the cutest grin. He's going to be a lady-killer one day!

But... even though my weekends are full, my lips are starting to have withdrawal. Some kissing time, and an old-fashioned make-out session on the couch is just what the doctor ordered... now to find a willing male to participate... send him my way, I'm accepting applications!

water water everywhere...

Well, my evening got a little crazy last night. After coming home from the gym, mom was digging trough her linen closet and noticed a box was wet. Then after more investigation, the entire floor and wall were wet too. The only thing on the other side of the closet is the water heater, so out we went with a flash light to investigate. Unfortunately you cannot get to our water heater from inside the house, only a trap door on the backside of the house.

We opened the trap door and there was water everywhere, which seemed to be dripping from the ceiling. We can't get to the top of the water heater without a ladder, so my mom went to get our neighbor to investigate. He climbed up there, and it wasn't the rain getting in like with thought - our water heater had sprung a tiny pin-hole leak in the piping, and was misting everywhere. Which explains why our water bill was double last month! We just thought they calculated incorrectly, and had scheduled them to come out and check the meter.

After calling BGE, having our neighbor try to turn off our water and not being able to turn the valve, we settled on putting a clamp on the pipe to hold it until BGE can come today. My mom is home waiting for the phone call, because if you don't answer when they call, they assume you don't want the service and won't come/call back. Isn't that nice of them!

And, since it's pouring outside, I'm assuming that BGE is going to love crawling under our house to get to the water valve, and working out back in the rain on the water heater. Lovely!

Tomorrow is a co worker's birthday, so I got up extra early and purchased some bagels from Panera to celebrate. Whoever has the birthday before has to buy for the next birthday - thus it's my turn. Yummy!

I'll be leaving around 10am to head to our corporate offices in Columbia for the manager's meeting and facilitation of the coaching and feedback course. Hopefully my game will go over well, as I've been rehearsing the "ah-ha!" moments in my head all morning. I hate wearing a suit on Fridays... especially when it's raining like crazy. The outfit just doesn't work when you look soggy.

Tonight is a surprise 50th birthday party for my cousin-in-law. It should be a huge surprise since his birthday was in April. Hopefully the weather clears up, as it's at a restaurant on the water with a nice deck and pier. A few cocktails on the outside deck sounds nice right about now... it's been a long week. Mom and I are in charge of balloon wrangling, which is always fun to try to get into a car... in the pouring rain.

Did I mention it's raining again? I really need my forehead kissed... that would make me feel better.

tolerations and annoyances

I've been thinking more and more about my tolerations that I reviewed with my coach, and trying to write a plan to overcome some of them. Again, a toleration is something you are letting fester, that is possibly causing you to lose energy around, when life would be so much easier if it was just let go or resolved.

I didn't have many on the list, as again my focus usually is to take care of it so things don't fester. However, my list of annoyances is a little longer. I don't know if I would call them full-out annoyances, but they are things that make me shake my head and wonder why people do dumb things and can't be true to themselves, or others.

But the more I think about it, I'm annoyed because I had an expectation from that person that wasn't met. This is something that the NTL discusses a lot and I'm looking forward to hearing more about this through my grad program. But basically, people need to own their behavior, and if I'm not happy with it, then that's my problem, not theirs. And, the hardest part, if I can't live with the behavior, then I need to dissociate myself from it, so I won't be bothered any longer.

The question becomes, "Is this worth getting annoyed over?" I gave my ex an example back when we had our break-up discussion, of why I was tolerating and accommodating so much. The example was my pillow. I had given him a house-warming present of a bedroom set, including a 4 poster king size bed. I usually slept over one, sometimes two nights, on the weekend. My ex only slept with one memory foam pillow, and when I wasn't there my two pillows were "in the way" and were removed off the bed. (Again, this is a huge king size bed, which you would think could accommodate 3 pillows - but apparently not.) I'd come over, and we'd go out, be drinking, and then be very sleepy when it was time for bed. And, normally, I would then have to go searching for my pillows. Sometimes they were stuck under the bed, sometimes they were buried beneath his clothes, sometimes they were in the closet, sometimes in the spare bedroom, but everywhere except on the bed waiting for me. He would never really know where they were.

Now, part of me, was always annoyed because that's not how I operate. If he was coming over to spend the night, not only would I change the sheets, but I'd also make sure all of his "stuff" was right where he could find it, and be at home and comfortable. I've even, when stopping over to check his house while he was away, made and turned down his bed and laid out his comfy clothes so he would just have to come home and take a shower and relax after a long trip - yes, I'm that kind of woman.

I'd get annoyed because the same sort of thing wasn't happening for me. But, like I told him, I'd get annoyed, and then think, "Amy, it's just a stupid pillow. Is the world going to end because your pillow isn't on the bed? That is the dumbest thing in the world to be annoyed over." Then I would just let it go... and never say anything. I went on to explain that he was right, he was neglecting me, but I would just let it go because I thought I was just being a hysterical woman and those things were dumb to be upset over.

I searched for my pillow for 1 year and 9 months. And I had talked myself into believing that once we moved on in our relationship, and were living together, I would never have to search for my pillow again. But then, I'm sure, in hindsight, it would have been something else that was missing that I'd be looking for - trying to not be annoyed about it.

So, I'm resolving to myself to speak-up and make the dissociations earlier. I don't need nor want drama anymore.

Another annoyance I have in relationships is the game playing. I remember telling a friend that I fell for my ex so hard because it was so easy. He said he liked me, I said I liked him, we went to dinner, and thus it began. We never played the "I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like... etc - now I'm going to make you work for attention, now I'm going to wait 4 days to email/call you back so you don't think I'm too interested, but I really am, but I don't want to give you power by telling you that" games. If a person is really interested, they would have your best interests at heart, and wouldn't hurt you by playing mind-tricks on you.

I shouldn't have to go to my friends and analyze everything the guy said to me, for some sort of hidden meaning to interrupt how he feels about me. I'm also over the mixed signals... we aren't in 10th grade anymore people!

Anyway... enough ranting... I'm done.

posing nude

Talk about a juxtaposition. I was reviewing two articles on CNN's website, one about catcalling, and the other highlighting a painting.

The author of the catcalling article wrote her thesis on the effects of catcalling and a woman's objectifying of her body. The article wasn't as interesting as some of the comments that readers were writing. A few of my favorites included a man who said, "ugly guy catcalling = creepy, hot guy catcalling = compliment." Which got me thinking about how women view compliments. Not that I have a thing for Brad Pitt, but to use him as an example of what some women appreciate in a man, if he was standing on the corner and whistled at the woman with a shit-eating grin, I don't think she'd complain.

The fear or dislike the woman interviewed felt was based on the idea that they thought the men would take it a step further after the whistle and sexually assault them. I'm not sure how often that happens, but I haven't heard of that happening. But that doesn't mean it doesn't. Some of the other comments from men on the site were directed to ugly women who felt that they were just complaining because they don't get catcalled.

On the flip side, a painting by Lucian Freud of a very zaftig, very naked woman just sold for $33.6 million at Chrisitie's.

Hell... for $33.6 million, I'll pose, and let you put the picture up in a high traffic area and men can catcall to their heart is content!

updates from bowling - week 1

I can honestly say that I made the best purchase last night - my new bowling shoes! I don't think that anyone can rock those shoes like I can - no one puts baby in the corner! hehehe

They look like a modified saddle shoe, but they are baby blue and black - with a shiny patten leather look to them! hehehehe Now I need to re-evaluate the "pink" theme I was contemplating yesterday and go for blue. But, Heather, Ryan's girlfriend, was totally on board with my idea of matching outfits, so that's a go!

We also came up with a name for our bowling team - The Bowling Stones... now we just need kick-ass shirts, and all of my bowling dreams will come true. We are also going to sign up to get sanctioned, which means we'll start collecting patches for our efforts. ROCK ON!

I did get a backwards compliment last night from Ryan's friend. I've met him a few times when hanging out with Ryan, as they work together at Booz. He was at the bonfire this weekend too, and we had some fun conversation. They have been trying to set him up with a friend of Heather's, but apparently on Saturday night, it became apparent to him that the set-up isn't going to work. I didn't get the full effort of hearing it first hand, but as it was relayed to Ryan, and then to me as: Apparently he was talking to you, and really enjoying the conversation, and then when she showed up, he thought he'd go talk to her, and there was no comparison between you and her. You won in the conversation making round, as he realized that she isn't too bright... Ryan went on to explain to him that I am older than she is, but I've always been mature and a lot of fun to talk to, and you really can't compare me to her.

Point for Amy! But, I always did have a lot to say, and I'm really good at asking questions and listening.

Oh well.... off to a meeting!

bowling balls...

I'm excited - the bowling league starts tonight! WOOO HOOOO! And hopefully, if my arm is cooperating, I'll be helping Ry eat his humble pie - BRING IT!

I wonder if they sell pink bowling shoes... I saw an awesome pink and black swirly patterned ball on bowlingball.com yesterday which just got me very happy! Although, there was one with fish on it, and a completely yellow one with a smiley face that was cute. But I think I'm going with pink! It'll match my phone and my camera... hehe :)

***********************************

I'm proud of myself. I actually told my old interest that I was having nostalgic thoughts of him and I. Not that I'm expecting him to actually do anything with that information, but I shared it. And if he does something with that information, than I'll be pleasantly surprised, otherwise, at least I was honest.

***********************************

I found the best picture on icanhashotdog.com .... makes me giggle!

We'll always have Paris...

As I sit in my cube on this rainy Monday morning, I'm pondering the age old question: Is reality better than fantasy?

Can I imagine something in my head that will be better than what actually can or would happen? And, even better, are my fantasies unrealistic?

There's a hard line between true fantasy and reality. For instance, science fiction, although some sci-fi fanatics would argue that their truth is reality. But, then, are they really in touch with the world around them, or are they living on another planet?

I take, for instance, the idea of seeing someone on the street that intrigues me. It can be their looks, or that they are wearing a conversation piece that is very striking. In my head, I can imagine my interactions with them, and clearly write out what I would like to happen. But, would it ever happen that way?

I could play out my role as I imagined it, but that doesn't mean they would respond as I anticipate they would. Now, if I was a manipulative person, I could probably get them to respond in a fashion to what is close to what I was imagining, but I'm not.

But, that's not what I'm pondering. An interest and I built a world of fantasy a few years back. It was mutually created, so it wasn't as if I was controlling the ideas in my own head. And, I've been wondering for years if reality would ever be as good as what we created. Could we become those two people while we were together, or would our own realities interfere? My responses were always genuine, but they were written within the code of the fantasy. Can I let go, and become that person? Can he let go, and become that person?

Is that the fear? Is that why there's a wall? So that the fantasy is never spoiled. ... We'll always have Paris.

But then I think, why not make the fantasy a reality? Why not reach out and take the chance to find something that maybe our heart's deepest desire. Are we only harming ourselves for not reaching for our dreams? Or, are we better off where we are?

Heavy thoughts for a Monday morning...

putting others first...

Last night I went out to my friend Ryan's step-dad's property along the Gunpowder River for a cook-out and bonfire. And, as always, I had lots of laughs and a good time all around. Going into our 29th year (our birthdays are 9 days a part), he and I have been friends for 23 years. I think we have been friends longer than most people are married... he's more than a friend, he's like a brother.

I was talking to his girlfriend Heather last night about the breakup, as Ryan had shared the news with all of them, and she hit home with an excellent point. Which was that I shouldn't have accepted not being put first in the relationship. I have to agree with her.

I've always wanted a relationship where the person was "whole" and didn't need me - they wanted me. Meaning I wasn't there to be their mother, life coach, cheering section, or fill some other void that they couldn't complete on their own. I've always been proud of myself in the aspect that I can make myself happy, and meet my own needs. In my humble opinion, relationships that rely on need are borderline abusive, as one party is giving all the power of self-happiness away.

I can be a child with the best of them, but I want a very real and mature relationship. I've honored my title as "brat," but I'm also the type that's "in it to win it." All joking aside, I'm a 29 year old woman, not a little girl. And, when it comes down to it, unless I'm being playful, my partner is going to contend with a mature career woman, who has her head and priorities on straight.

However, that doesn't mean that I don't want someone to be encouraging, loving, and a partner. Relationships aren't a business arrangement, but sometimes it's easier for me to explain in my head what type of relationship I want by using that analogy. In business, partners work through all the hardships, highs/lows, and wins together. If an issue arises, they solve it together. Then, they reap the rewards together as well. They have everything invested in the business deal, and they go to amazing lengths to make it work. I want someone who is that invested in my relationship with them.

As Heather and I were talking, we both had to agree, that we couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who isn't an equal partner and contributor. It's funny, the last few months that my ex and I were together, I felt that there was something "not right". And I was trying to put my finger on it. One day, in the shower, it came to me. I want a relationship with someone who can be my "emergency contact." So, I tried to build that feeling with him again. I instituted the "date night" policy, where we would take turns planning dates for each other. I think I was assuming that if we were doing loving things for each other, we could get through the rough patch. Nothing energized him anymore, he claimed, so I was trying to give him things to have energy around. Well... it didn't work, but at least I tried.

Thinking more about the "emergency contact" concept, I want someone that I can call when I'm stranded on the side of the road. Not to come fix the car, or solve the problem, but someone who will come stand on the side of the road with me and wait for AAA, or at least talk to me on the phone while I waited. Or, if God forbid, I was in an accident, would drop everything and run to the hospital to hold my hand. I always kinda felt with my ex that he'd only do those things if it didn't interfere with a client meeting, his nap schedule, or Call of Duty 4. He'd eventually come, but I'd get attitude. I don't know if those things are true or not, as I never had to test it, but that's always the impression I got.

I, on the other hand, would drop everything to meet that need. Hell, I even followed my friend Ryan into the men's room to help bandage his head when a carnival ride belt came off back when we were in college. He was outraged and was trying to hide my eyes, but I was too worried he had a concussion.

I know those men are out there. My girlfriends are married to some of them. I don't need rescuing, but I would prefer someone who gave a damn. And, just to set the record straight, I don't think wanting someone who cares makes me high maintenance.

Loving the rain...

The only thing I want to do on a rainy day is stay in bed and cuddle under the blankets. There's just something about fresh cool sheets, lots of pillows, and a down comforter that makes it all very wonderful. Unfortunately I never get a chance to do that, as there's just so much to do. But one day, I'm going to stay in bed on a rainy day, and hopefully have a hot guy there to share it with me! hehe

I have a guy friend who I think would make an excellent snuggler (the one I've been having hot flashes over the last week), but I never experienced the snuggle in person. That's my one beef with online friends - I feel so connected, yet the opportunity to often hang out in person is rare, so there always seems to be something missing.

I don't know, sometimes I feel jipped in that regard. I guess many people in the technology age have the same issue. He and I have talked about life for a very long time, even though we go through phases where we are engaged in dialogue for hours every night for a few months, and then the contact trickles off for awhile, and then comes back. But, we always seem to find each other again when we need to hear what the other has to say. It's uncany how that works.

Another friend once told me that friendship and intimate relationships need eye contact to be viable. Sometimes, I would have to agree. Because in honesty, as much I talk to this person, I really don't know him. I've seen pictures, but I don't know what faces he makes, how he walks, the body language he displays in situations. I wouldn't be able to "read" him like my other friends. I would hopefully walk past him on the street and be able to recognize him, but without the in-person connection, that may not be likely. I think you have to "be" in someone's presence to really get a full snap-shot of who they are.

I think that's why I invite him everywhere; just to add the in-person dynamic with someone I verbally shared so much of my life with. He's not usually able to accept the invitation, but if anything, I'm stubborn - so I'm going to keep asking.

Friendships are worth it, and the one thing I know about myself - I don't give up easily. And why should I?

my chocolate speaks...

My chocolate is talking to me again today. Both pieces said, "Discover yourself."

I know who I am. Actually, I think most people know who they are, they just don't think people would like them that way, so they try to become someone else.

I pride myself on being distinct and unique, and am in no hurry to ever conform to what anyone thinks I should be.

Biggest Loser...

I'm taking this new self physical reinvention very seriously. I noticed when I was getting changed for the gym last night that my mid-section is slimming down, and I'm getting more of an hour-glass figure. Yay!

I have a long way to go, but I think my coworkers are going to help me. Apparently, based on the show "Biggest Loser" many teams are getting involved in the home challenge. We are each going to put in $20, and do a percent lost calculation each week. If you don't lose any weight, you have to pay in a $1 that week. At the end of the pre-determined time frame, whoever lost the biggest percentage gets the money!

From my understanding, the team approach is why weight watchers is so successful, because they hold you accountable to weigh-ins weekly at the meetings. I'm willing to try - I did it before, and this time I'm going to keep it off!

I've joined the Hungrygirl.com website for email notifications, and I like what they are doing, but I don't like the name. To me, the name implies that there is a lack of control, and someone is always hungry looking for something to eat. In my case, that's not true.

However, I'm currently suffering from a different type of hunger all together... and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know it's him I'm thinking about ... or if he does, he's ignoring it. Which is okay, as I had said yesterday, the offer is probably no longer on the table as he lives a distance away and recently had his own life altering moment, and moved on. But it's fun to crush... and I just may take up writing fantasy again... :)

My travel list...

A piece of chocolate just told me to "follow my instincts." I bet most people didn't know that chocolate shared inspirational messages, but then most would be sadly mistaken. (Just to clarify that I didn't completely crack, the message was written on the inside of the wrapper of the Dove chocolates!)

It's really a shame that the travel and food channels are right next to each other on my cable network, as they give me lots of grand ideas. Especially when they seem to combine forces and the chefs go on weekend trips to various locations and eat yummy food.

So, as I sit here eating my strawberries and fruit cream cheese dip (a lovely combination) I've started to compile my list of weekend trips I would like to take in the near future... in no particular order, and not all involving food:

1. Chicago - to try the pizza
2. Miami - for the beach and Joe's Stone Crabs
3. Yellowstone National Park
4. Jellystone Camp Grounds - I'm not much of a camper, but they have cabins and Yogi bear - what more could you need?
5. Mt. Rushmore - great photo ops!
6. San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge
7. San Diego Zoo
8. Crater of Diamonds National Park - which is near Hot Springs - HELLO diamonds and spa - what more can a woman want?
9. Catalina Island
10. Boston - I was there when I was 6, but don't remember it that much... but LOBSTER is great!
11. Savannah, GA - And I can't NOT go to Paula Dean's restaurant
12. Finger Lakes/Wine country in NY
13. Niagara Falls
14. Redwood Forest
15. The Coke Factory in Atlanta, GA
16. The Met and Serendipity in NY - been there numerous times but never to those two places
17. Kansas City - that woman in the car commercial told me that the rib eye is worth it if I want to play with the big boys
18. New Orleans - I've been there twice, but it's a fun trip
19. Seattle - space needle
20. Mackinac (Mackinaw Island) - it's just beautiful
21. Gem Mountain - rumor has it that one's luck is better there than Crater of Diamonds
22. San Antonio
23. Napa Valley

Well... that's enough to get me started... I have to ponder more ... anyone wanna go with me?

Mark Twain...

"If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way." - Mark Twain

I'm at work this morning, and my coworker is looking for quotes for our course catalog, and she stumbled upon that one - and it got a lot of giggles from me. That is one way to learn a whole bunch of stuff!

But I think that quote relates well to life... you have to reach out and grab it, try new things, or you are going to stagnate exactly where you are.

I think the person I was a few years back is very different than the person I am now. Actually, I was thinking about this in the light of relationships the last few days. I think the best thing that happened in my past relationships was a good friend told me that he wasn't the man for me. And in hindsight, at that moment in time, he was right. I was shocked and pissed, but he was right. I am a late bloomer, and at that time I was very naive, and had no idea how relationships worked. So, I went out and learned...

I went on a hell of a lot of dates, got involved with a few different men, and grew up. And yes, I was hurt along the way, but each scar just made me stronger and more able to handle situations.

My recent relationship with my ex taught me a lot too. I fully understand the person I can be, and who and what I want for myself. That's a tough thing to do, to take a strong look at your soul in the mirror and figure it out.

Now I have it in my head that I'm ready for what was once offered to me, which I didn't know how to handle then. But I'm pretty sure the offer is no longer on the table... but what a hot adventure it would have been!

And for once, reality would have overshadowed fantasy.

Amazing pedometer...

The office building I work in is having the annual health fair today, and giving away all sorts of things. I think I am the only person in the world who can swivel in her chair while sitting cross-legged and have the pedometer measure over 400 steps. Watch out world - here I come! Maybe this is why they were a give-a-way.

Anyway, while I sit here swiveling, I've been working on the my participant's guide for the coaching and feedback course I'm facilitating next Friday. I actually did come up with an activity to do with the leaders, and am no longer mind-blank around the subject.

I'm going to have them play a game called, "Been There, Done That!" The leaders will work in trios, assigning themselves as Person A, B, and C. Person A thinks of something that they've done, which had some significant impact on their life. Person B's job is to find out what it is, and Person C's job is to observe and ref the exchange. Person A begins the round by saying only these words, "I did this." Person B then has to draw out what Person A did by asking facilitative questions. The twist is that Person B is not allowed to ask assumption or guessing questions. Anytime Person B asks a specific thing, for instance, "Did you go flying?" that's considered a guess/assumption. A better question would be, "Where did you go?"

It should be very interesting, and I have to give credit to my coach for the suggestion. The idea behind the game is to get them practicing being a coach. Many people are under the misconception that in leadership a coach is the same thing as a mentor. It's not. Coaching is based on the idea that the answers and direction lie within the coachee, and a good coach's role is to pull those answers and direction out of the person. A mentor actually tells you what to do through advice and life experience. So, the coach's only job is to ask questions to lead you down a path of self-discovery, and "reflect back" any patterns that they see.

When coaching around performance, the objective is to get the employee to tell you what they are doing wrong/right, and not have you tell them. Normally a manager will approach an employee and lay out everything that is happening, which makes the person defensive. The conversation normally escalates, and no one benefits. But, if you can get the employee to tell you what obstacles are hindering performance, an easier conversation results.

I've also developed a Coaching and Feedback cycle model based on some of the principals in the "One Minute Manager". Considering that their HR Director likes to tell me that they don't have time for anything, hopefully they can dedicate at least 2 minutes to having a conversation with their employees. I'm beginning to think that the HR Director is really the one who doesn't have time for anything.

Speaking of her, she also wanted me to teach about sandwiching feedback - the old school way was to tell them something positive, then something negative, and then something positive to leave with. Which resulted in two positives, and a glossed over negative with no weight. I took pleasure in relaying Roger Schwarz's "The Skilled Facilitator" methods to her. Which basically says, "be honest and test assumptions." Schwarz has been able to corner the market on the idea that people hear something and translate that into something else in their head. Therefore, get into the habit of reflecting back what you hear, to make sure it is the exact message the person intended to send. It sounds easy enough, but it's hard to do when trust hasn't been established and you feel the other person has motives and you have something to lose. It actually works in personal relationships too. I used it with my ex when I went over to his house after he broke up with me to set the boundaries for our conversation.

Mmmmm.. I love Tootsie pops, Carol just walked by and gave me one... but it's so sad, "When you come to the end of a lollipop, to the end, to the end, of a lollipop. When you come to the end of a lollipop - PLOP goes your heart!" That's a shout out to all my TCHS girls!

Problem with life...

I was watching my favorite show last night, "Dancing with the Stars" when a commercial came on for the home makeover show. The host was talking to the homeowners and made the comment, "The problem with life is that everything is so unexpected."

That statement caught my attention, and like most things, I disagree. To me, the unexpected is the joy in life, because you get to use the resources and bonds you have formed with people to get through it.

No, I'm not advocating horrible things to happen, but I think the unexpected is a chance to show ourselves what we really are made of. It's the opportunity to use the skills we've learned and to tap in our network of family and friends who are there to support us. Those unexpected moments are when we really learn who we are, and who the people around us are. And, if they are worth fighting for.

It's funny, I've always been blessed with seeing both sides of the situation. I know I have driven many a friend crazy with that ability, even my coach. During our last session together he asked me a question and I gave him a simple, "no". There were silence on his end, and then he said, "wow - you've never given such a simple answer before, I was expecting a "well..."" I had to laugh, because I know that he was right.

But, I think that ability is what helps me not judge or immediately find the negative in the situation. An old interest of mine, the same one I was having and still having the hots for yesterday, and I used to bicker a lot. He would make very definitive statements about things, which now I think he did just to make me crazy, and I took great pleasure in trying to sway him off of his platform and onto mine. It never really worked, but I still went down with a fight trying to explain that there could be other sides that he didn't consider.

In essence, I think that's the key to life, and how to become so well adjusted with everything that happens during it. Don't assume the worst in people, even though the news tells you differently, and try to see things from their point of view. Be creative, as there is always going to be someone outside of the norm.

Must focus....

I don't know what's come over me today, but I keep having some very yummy thoughts about an old interest of mine. They started this weekend, and my over-active imagination is doing very well for itself.

Maybe this is just a sign that my body is no longer numb with shock over the break-up. Or it could be that I've been highly attracted to this person for the last 7-8 years, but hemmed those feelings down as we had both moved on with other people, and now they are back.

Gotta love the friend zone!

I need a weekend trip...

I'm not sure where to, but a fun weekend away seeing a new city would be a great time. I'll have to think about this some more...

The gym last night was great fun, I got to meet the owner who was installing a lot of new machines. We both played with the new set of stride machines that he was installing - very weird feeling... I'll have to attempt that again when I'm feeling adventurous. I pushed myself on the elliptical, and for me, I made great time in a mile! Yay! I'm getting back into shape! I've even lost a few pounds, which is definitely wonderful. The plan now is to double my distance and shorten my time.... I will do it!

My application to my graduate program got mailed this morning, and for some reason the post office was a hot spot - the line was out the door! My fingers, eyes, and toes are now crossed! The next step would be to set-up my interview and apply for financial aid. Another student loan to add to my belt, but I'm worth it!

I had some drama last night as a lady decided to walk her pet parrot on the avenue at white marsh. My fear of birds was intensified, as this thing was freaking huge! I had to remind my mom not to cause a scene... and to remember when I suddenly change direction and quickly tell her to walk over here, to not stand in the middle and yell "what?" "why?" "what's going on?" I really don't like to draw attention to myself in public when I'm freaking out. Nor instigate the bird into flapping it's wings - which just makes the whole thing worse! SIGH!

my mom got me drunk!

Well... that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

"These Shining Lives" at Center Stage was excellent. I highly recommend any Baltimoreans to stop by and see it if they get the chance. It's in the Head Theater at Center Stage, which they are allowed to configure differently for each show. The floor of the stage opened on two parts to create different scenes, and the back wall split and opened crazily to hide and reveal the characters. Also, its an amazing story based in the early 1930s before companies were required to disclose if any of their employees were dealing with dangerous chemicals in the work environment. "Shining" refers to their use of radium to make watch faces, and the women started to glow after a few years of exposure.

The annual Flower Mart was this weekend, which is always a festive affair. We didn't purchase any overpriced flowers, but it was nice to wander around Mt. Vernon after the show and day dream about the old mansion style rowhomes that still line the streets.

My other recommendation is to try Mama's on the Half Shell in Canton. YUM! I had never been there before, but it quickly became my favorite place. They are the co-owners of Nacho Mamas two establishments down, but this is a seafood restaurant and slightly more upscale. I love richly decorated - meaning dark colors and really cool lighting fixtures - bars/restaurants. And they have the huge open windows that open onto the street corner.

It was warm out, and warm in there, when I got my appetizer of Beer Mussels - which had shrimp, chorizo, onions, tomatoes, and a spicy wine sauce over it. I think it had to be over two dozen mussels in there, served with crusty bread. It must have been the heat, the spice, and me downing my mojioto that get me very tipsy very quickly. My mom knew it was down hill when I started smiling and giggling. Then I ordered their famous drink, the Orange Crush - which is served with real orange juice over crushed ice. YUMMY! I had ordered the lobster roll for dinner, but couldn't finish it - so there's a doggie bag waiting in the fridge for me. This is my new favorite place to go - and like most Baltimore City bars, unpretentious and a great place to meet friends and relax. They are known (ie 'half shell') for their oysters, which you can get fixed any which way - as well as clams. They have a whole menu for land-lubbers too.

I couldn't help but think that my ex would have loved this place, and for a moment in my tipsy-ness I made a mental note to myself to bring him there. Then I remembered that we aren't together anymore. It's almost a month to the day since the breakup, and I still find the weekends hard.

He and I didn't talk much during the week, just a few emails, nor did we see each other. He was usually traveling during the week, so it was just normal to me. But, I always knew that I'd be going over there on Saturday, or he over here, and we'd spend the weekend together. I miss having someone to go places with me. I like going out and doing things, so I updated my profile on okcupid to find some activity partners. Hopefully I'll meet some people who like to do that too.

I do know, that down the road, in my next relationship, I want someone who will pay more attention to me. I don't want someone attached to my hip, as that is just annoying to everyone involved, but I do want to feel cherished and enjoyed when we are together. I don't know, I just like attention - I like to be talked to, and I like to share my ideas, and I like to find out what other people are thinking, and why they think that way. And I like cuddles... lots and lots of cuddles... and my forehead kissed. My ex enjoyed silence, and quiet time, so I found myself often not talking and sitting by myself in his living room while he was in his office working on various projects. I wanna be a project. But I did get a lot of my knitting down during that time...

I don't know, sometimes it still feels like I'm living a dream, and that he's just away in Hawaii for a month again, and he'll be home soon and it's like none of this ever happened. I still feel like we could have been great together, if he was just willing to open his heart to me... but as my new mantra has been this past month - you can't make someone want to love you.

I'm taking a page out of my friend's book, and am going to try to link my blog to my facebook page. Hopefully it will work! I promised him I'd pay royalities for stealing his idea... because I'm nice like that.

It's over...

... Confirmation 2008 that is!

Last weekend when I was out with some friends I was sharing the joys and tribulations of working with my hoodlums. I mentioned how one of the girls told me her mother is making her get confirmed so she wouldn't get pregnant. About that time, one of my friends made the comment, "What does she think will happen? Get dipped in spermicide!??!"

Well, as I sat there last night, watching each of them get confirmed, I couldn't contain my giggle, as that line kept rolling through my head.

But, all and all it was a good night. The readers read on time (my first year we had one kid refuse to get up, even though he volunteered to read), no one fell (my own memories from my confirmation when I fell), no one wiped the chrism off all over their robe (although my candidate wanted to know if it would drip down her forehead, and I had to explain that it was like Vaseline and would stay in place), and Msgr. ate all the cookies.

I was very happy that Jessica B. chose me to be her sponsor. She's a really great kid, and is the one that gave me the muffin joke I shared awhile back. She's had a lot of challenges in her life, with her parents getting divorced, but I know she's strong enough to overcome everything. I pray that she has much success in high school and college, and keeps the faith - in herself, in love, and in God.

real women buy their own bling!

Most young women dream about what they want their engagement rings to look like. Actually, the fever started when I was in high school, and as part of a family life course, we had to plan our entire wedding - even a budget! Anyway, I like being unique and creative, so the normal diamond never really appealed to me. Diamond is my birthstone, so I have a lot of jewelry with diamonds in it. So, I got tired of waiting for a man to buy me the ring that I want, and I went ahead and found one for my right hand. Apparently, that's the new trend, women buying their own fancy right hand rings.

My favorite jewelry designer is Tacori, but their pieces are a huge investment as they are all platinum. Fortunately, they are now doing a line for QVC - which is silver dipped in platinum and VERY VERY CHEAP. I couldn't resist, and now I have my very own piece of bling! It came in the mail yesterday, and I'm wearing it proudly!

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This morning has been nuts, as I just got out of two meetings that I was running at the same time! It was a comedy routine as I switched rooms every 10 minutes. I had the Director of IS Security and one of the Analysts in one room, and a few Leaders from MPP in another. Both of which talking about two very different things!

But I got my revenge... on the OTHER eLearning system. They had given me a laptop to do the recordings of modules (thus why IS Security was there) and as they were using the laptop to record, they could clearly see that it wasn't up to my company's standards, nor does it have encryption software on it - which nearly gave them a cow. I graciously explained that they have an entire room of such laptops that really could use IS Security's guidance. HEHEHEHEHE -- me evil! I never saw two people jump for their blackberries so quickly!

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This weekend I'm going to see a new show at Center Stage which is a world-premiere of These Shining Lives for my birthday. My mom got tickets, and then off to dinner and some Cinco de Mayo celebrations happening around town! Should be a blast!

Okay... back to work!