Happy 30th Birthday, to me!

Yes, I celebrate my birthday out loud! It's always been a fun day, to give thanks for everything I have in my life, and all the wonderful people I get to share it with!

I arrived at work today to see my cube decorated, and I have a few pictures posted below of that. I actually have to climb in through the bottom... but at least I'm getting my exercise for the day.

Tonight I'm having cupcakes from CakeLove - the best EVER! They are even better than my cupcakes (yes, I'm humble) and I get presents! I like presents! hehehe

Thank you to everyone for your warm wishes! :)

Another Biggest Loser Ended...

and I lost the contest by a pound! Lori won this time, but I was at least a pound and 1/2 below where I started. She's been stressed this week, and lost 6lbs since her last weigh-in, which I don't think is exactly fair, but I guess if I wanted to be stressed and do that, I could have too.

Anyway, I'm just glad that I'm below the mile-marker, even if it's just 1/2 a pound. I just need to stay within that range, and will be back in the gym tonight to continue the process. At least I'm starting my 30s 21lbs lighter than when I entered my year of 29.

Speaking of which, my year of 29 draws a close today. My golden year has been truly golden as I've began to shape myself into a new woman. I've started new relationships, strengthen others, began exercising, and am slowly changing myself into the woman I want to be. Plus I heard the sex gets better in your 30s, so I can't wait for that!

Back to the grind...

Actually, it does feel like a literal grind, I have a kink in my neck that just won't go away. And I'm sleepy.

It took me all day Saturday to readjust to being back home in Baltimore. I now understand the concept of "cultural island" as it's a hard place to get into and a hard place to leave. I just felt disconnected and unable to process things quickly as life was happening around me. Sunday I felt better, but I'm still tired.

So Bethel, as those in the "know" call it, was an intense experience. We really didn't do much during the day, physically, except for talking and being honest with each other. Honesty is harder than it looks, as it's emotionally ringing. Living together in the Big Glen House was a sanctuary and yet a never ending conversation. It was as if class was 24 hours a day, and I got a short nap in overnight to compensate.

I needed affection and shelter. Not that I needed to hide, but I just needed to be held and allowed to rest without interruption - that would have recharged my batteries. Unfortunately Sam was in Baltimore for a drop-off, and my one opportunity to get recharged with him (get your mind out of the gutter) was lost, as I was in Maine. But I'm going to see him in the middle of May, and my collective internal batteries can't wait. I just really really enjoy him, and he's awesome to boot! Such great energy we share!

We talked about diversity, and primarily the Quadrant Theory. This conversation came up day and day-out as we tried to understand the limitations and privileges from being inside of a category. The white women didn't feel comfortable meeting together as we frankly thought from the outside that it would look a klan meeting, and we talked about why we don't work together against the white male. The white male is at the top of the food chain, and he can basically filter in and out and not worry about being accepted anywhere. The white woman is next in line, then the men of color, followed by the women of color. Apparently this whole ideal that people my age were taught growing up about not seeing some one's color or status was huey, as we deny the person their history and understanding of their limitations of those categories when we ignore it. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, as I think it denies the individual to blanket a system view, but I'm getting it.

We also took the FIRO-B, which is another preferences instrument that measures inclusion, control, and affection. It was great seeing how my cohort settles itself in those areas and what that means for people. My cohort somehow wants everyone to get along and avoid conflict, so it was interesting to see people finally taking a stand for themselves.

I got angry during the first couple of sessions. We had to break into pairs, then the pairs had to find another pair. 4 other people opted out, so they get to choose which quad they wanted to be in. We had our quad formed, and it was an equal balance of diversity and theory. Yet, one group refused to be made into a quad together, as the rule was we couldn't become a quad until everyone was satisfied. This exercise took us almost 2 days to complete, instead of 2 hours as intended. The other pair that my partner and I were working with were willing to compromise to work with the person that no one wanted to work with. This is when I got angry after letting it marinate. My group was the first to speak up and offer to switch partners for the "better-ment of the whole." I got pissed, because that's what I always do in life, and it was no longer fair to me. I'm tired of always taking one for the team so that someone else can have their way. No one else was willing to compromise. I was HOT! Fortunately, just before I was ready to go off on everyone, a few of the other quads spoke up and were willing to compromise. I actually ended up with a group that worked, and I liked... fate was amazing that way.

My take-away was that I need to work on not being so accommodating. It's natural for me, as being with the people is more important to me than doing what I dictate that I want. But it seems that often no one wants to hear my side or asks what I want... they take for granted that they are the lone decision maker with me. I need to start voicing what I want, and allow other people to accommodate my needs. That's tricky, as it sounds bitchy to me, but I can't take a back-seat forever.

Speaking of tricky, I saw a moose! Here...moosey, moosey actually works! hehe :)

I want to buy a vacation home in Bethel. Or some small town like it, where the doors can remain unlock, and people trust their neighbors. Old fashioned isn't so bad after all.

Pictures from Maine

About to go into a meeting... will blog more later - but here are the pictures!

Cohort 58 Maine Trip 2009

Day 4

Mmmmmmm... Lobster. Yes, I know that every day is lobster day in Maine, but does every grad school program sponsor a trip and a lobster feast for it's class? Ummm..no. The food has been awesome here, and if it would just stop raining life would be the best today. I guess this is why they call it the muddy season.

My belly is full, I've had 3 glasses of wine, danced with my friends, get to sleep in a little tomorrow as we start at 9am instead of 8:30am, and I'm just feeling good. I just need a man to snuggle up with and a king size bed.

Day 3 Updates

So I noticed that when I update via email, it doesn't put the paragraph breaks in, which is kinda annoying. I'll have to work on that, or leave that for limited updates.

Today was stressful as part of the activity was identifying a defining moment in our lives before the age of 18. Then answer the question of what value did that bring to us. Mine was about the day my father left. I cried, as we had the tell the story from the perspective as if we were that age and still in that moment. Everyone was emotionally wrung after that experience.

I've been keeping a written journal that I capture during class, which just isn't the same as being able to type everything for me. But it's good keeping grounded. Emotions have a habit of bubbling inside of me, and I ignore them or rationalize them. Sometimes I think I've done my "work" so well, as not to get bothered anymore.

I keep waking up early, as I think I'm going to miss the alarm clock. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep fully tonight, but I just want to get up early in order to take my shower. I like being able to take a shower first thing in the morning - as it wakes me up. The night before thing doesn't work for me.

I'm sitting in the basement of the house alone, and it's amazing that with 19 women in the house I can still find space to do this. This house is truly HUGE.

I think I'm going to turn in early, or do some yoga. I haven't decided which yet.

days1-3

I got to go to an Alpaca farm on Saturday! Actually I spent a lot of money buying alpaca wool at the farm. The lady met us at the car door and gave us a tour! It was great to drive around and see the country side. Class started at 2pm on Saturday. We had a devil of a time trying to get into groups ourseleves. But it forced us to talk about the hidden elephants in the room. We have one person in our cohort who stresses us all out and no one wanted her in the group. We have a person on the faculty who does massage and body work. We do movement exercises every morning to get us energized before starting our day. Its pretty awesome! Class has been ending at 4pm, and yesterday my small group decided to take a walk for our meeting. It was an amazing view at the top. I didn't have my camera with me, but will have it today! We moved into Glen House last night, after my great 2 night stay at Rivendell House. The Inn keepers treated us like family and piled on wine and amazing breakfast every morning. This is the muddy season, which means the locals all leave for their vacations before the summer season starts here. The Inn keepers left on Saturday and we had an Inn sitter. She was a sweet woman who catered to us as well. We went up the mountain to Glen House yesterday. The place is Amazing! We are pretending we are rich for the week as this house is AWESOME! I will be posting pictures soon. I woke early this morning to enjoy the quiet with breakfast. We now have a house mascot - Annabell. She's the neighbor's Laberdoodle who came to visit. It was cute as she guarded our back door and protected us from that wild and crazy squirrle in the tree. What a great time so far!

at the airport

I really like this new feature, but I don't have spell check... Great! I'm sitting in the terminal with April, waiting for Veronica to arrive, and our plane too. Its going to be a beautiful day for a flight!!

Clean-up day

Today was the day that I got to finish up some open-ends at work, and run some errands before my trip tomorrow.

I completely re-designed our department's website on the intranet. It looks great! If I do so say so myself! hehehe :) I was speaking with one of our intranet gurus and asked what she used to create her good looking pages... oddly enough, Word! So I guess I didn't need the Macromedia suite that they bought me a few years ago, but it's still nice to have.

I had to run out and get a new hair-dryer, as mine died earlier this week. And while I was in the store, I decided to be adventurous and get my eyebrows waxed. I've never had them waxed before, and I was really nervous, but they were in desperate need of maintenance. I'm fortunate enough to have very light eyebrow hair, but they still needed it. It didn't hurt at all! I'll be making regular appointments, instead of trying to pluck without glasses on.... doesn't really work!

I can't wait for Maine tomorrow! It's going to be an awesome trip!

Neat!

Neat! So now I have a new technology to play with, where I can just email a blog to be updated. I can just blog from my blackberry while I'm on the move!

I'm getting excited about my trip to Maine on Friday. I'm actually going for class, but we are staying in an awesome place! I'll share pictures when I get back. I don't want to give any crazy people who may follow my blog any ideas of where I'll be! hehe :)

I'm really frustrated this week, and no it isn't that time of the month. I'm constantly running into people who are not willing to see things in a different way, and are very aggressive in their resistance to change. My coworkers are having the same problem, and I'm not sure what could be causing it. The first step is understanding our involvement in the resistance, the second is their understanding of the change, and the third obviously their barriers to change. My coworker and I got into a great discussion today around what I call a cognitive shift.

Pardon me for being high-brow for a second, but I think my thinking is pretty sophisticated around self-awareness. I'm open and willing to discuss other ways of doing things, and willing to entertain the possibility of changing myself to do something another way. But how do you get people to that point. I'm thinking of a group of people who see work as a J.O.B. and not as an impactful career. We have a lot of those types in our front line workers. Heck, I sit in a building filled with them. How do I get them to try something different in their work, when they see no reason to change, or any reason to entertain a difference. And... see any conversation or workshop around a change as an interruption to their busy day, and not as a professional development opportunity. Who's fault is that?

I'm a firm believer in setting a safe environment where people can explore learning around something new, and I understand the importance of having a manager educate the employee around the importance of a change. But how do you get someone to be open?

You can't really... they will do what they are told to keep the J.O.B., but never really buy into something that they don't think of themselves. You can share the ROI, but it's really a shift to asking yourself the question, "what does the company need from me, in order for the company to be successful?" I don't think the J.O.B.ers would even think to ask that question.

More pondering needs to be done...

test

This is a test to try out the new email feature!!

Sleepy Bad Mood

So, rarely am I in a bad mood, as I normally have enough patience to withstand even the toughest situation. However, last night, someone was standing on my last nerve, and I was too tired to deal with it. I didn't argue or get loud, I shut down. And I ate a candy bar in hopes of it waking me up (thus the sleepiness), and keeping my mouth shut so I wouldn't explode.

I was annoyed because I feel like I have been having the same conversation with this person for 6 weeks. We tell her the same exact thing every time we see her (literally), she gives us more details or a different scenario of the same exact problem and she's a victim of her own mentality. She won't take our advice, yet she asks for it. I don't have patience for that. Maybe, a long time ago, I would have fed into her drama and played "What if?" and "let's over think this," but I don't do that any more. I've out grown it. I don't like wasting my energy making assumptions about things. And we point it out, and she doesn't see it.

Use your words. My brain is telling me to let it go and just ignore it - but I can't. It's constantly in my face. I would give her feedback on it, but she's not in a place to hear it. Yes, I'm personable and understanding enough to feel sorry for her, because she can't help it and doesn't know any better. And "Good Amy" will do what she's supposed to do and not take it out on her, as it's something that she can't help. But I am just tired of having the same conversation, in circles, with her every time I see her. TAG! - It's someone else's turn.

Awesome Weekend

My 3rd class with my client on Friday went well, and I was out the door and on the way back home by 3pm. After getting home early, I headed to the gym to do an extensive workout. With the way my last week was, I had something going on every night and couldn't get to the gym at all - my body needed it. After returning home and showering, I headed out to Good Friday services with my Mom at church. I talked her into being adventurous, and we went to a cute little Greek cafe I found at Honeygo. Spanikopita and this baked cheese thing are yummy!

I got up early Saturday to run a few errands, mainly to pick up a birthday gift for my friend Heather's surprise party later that evening. Then I took my Mom to the Melting Pot for an early dinner for her birthday. Her birthday was on this past Tuesday, and I normally take her somewhere nice for her birthday. IT WAS AMAZING! We were there when the place opened at 4pm, and had it to ourselves for a bit before it began to get crowded. We did the 4 course "Big Night Out!," ending with a Chocolate Tiramasu for dessert. The Melting Pot is now on her list, and she wants to go back often! Yay, I have a convert! hehe

Saturday night was Heather's surprise party, and we really managed to surprise her. It was about a week early, so she wasn't expecting it at all. I love surprises - and it's fun to hang out and relax with friends. I'll be posting the pictures soon from that.

Instead of going to Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday, I ended up going to Easter Sunday Mass at church. Luckily we got there really early and got a seat. The place was packed - with folks even sitting out in the Gathering Space of church and the church doors open. Father was in rare form, doing his stand-up routine, and as usual he was a hit. He reminded everyone that was visiting that he does 3 shows a weekend, and he expects all of them to be there at least once! hehe My little cousins sat with us, and CJ was wearing a little necktie - 3 year olds in neckties are adorable. His mom was telling me that he did an Easter Egg Hunt through the house earlier that morning, and every time he found something would say, "Look what Santa brought me!" She kept having to explain that it's the Easter Bunny, not Santa. LOL!

After Mass, Mom and I had a great breakfast at the Williamsburg Inn. They have an awesome breakfast on Sundays. On one side is the buffet, but we go to the other side for sit-down service. They have the best breakfast in town. The Plantation Breakfast - juice, coffee/tea, choice of omelets or pancakes or french toast, breakfast meats, all for $6.50! lol Great food for a great deal!

I headed home to finish my masterpiece of cupcakes for Easter dinner. I found a recipe for Lace Cake and transferred them into cupcakes. They had a filling of pineapple preserves, brown sugar, melted butter, and chopped walnuts... with a pineapple buttercream icing! DELICIOUS! I am adding that recipe to my rotation, as they were so yummy. I made them over sized and stuffed... the family couldn't get enough of them.

Mom and I headed over to my cousin Stacy's for Easter dinner. We had a feast: lasagna, ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, green beans, corn, mashed potatoes, cauliflower bake, the list goes on and on. The highlight of the adventure was my cousin-in-law Wayne. After he had gastric-bypass a few years ago, his tolerance for alcohol is slim... hehehehehe.. he got very drunk! When he does, he gets very lovable toward his wife Stacy, and likes to put her into headlocks - in an attempt to hug her. He kept wandering around, and after nearly falling off of his chair and down the steps, he went down in the basement with the dogs. We all happened to look out the back kitchen, and he had wandered outside with the dogs, and decided to pee right in the middle of the back yard! LOL We nearly died we were laughing so hard, watching him from the kitchen. The dogs really didn't know what to do with that!

Awarded Bunny Ears

I got a customer compliment on the website that I designed a while back, and because of things like that my boss likes to give us little gifts. She brought in a set of white and pink bunny ears as my gift. It's cute, it's funny, and well, apparently "its me" - whatever that means. As a good sport I wore them all through our staff meeting, and as I sit here and write this blog entry, I'm wearing them still. My coworkers are loving it.

Glenda (a co-worker) calls me the queen of understatement. I say something in 4 concise, on target words that other's say in 20, and I sit here quietly wearing bunny ears - the irony never escapes her. That was her feedback, and I thought it was kinda nice. She gets me.

I did the first session of the awareness training yesterday afternoon for the compliance issue, and it went really well. Everyone was engaged and energized, and had a great time. I have another one today at 2pm, which means that I get to leave at 3pm - WOOT! Although it is a sad day for me, as it is Good Friday. I don't think people ever notice, but the sky actually gets dark and stormy between 12-3pm on Good Friday. Maybe it's just where-ever I am, for me to see it, but it's happened consistently for years. Today they are calling for rain again during that time, and I don't think it's just a fluke. It's happened far too often for it to be. But that's why I'm a woman of faith and belief.

Last night at yoga we did a search for "being." We let go, during meditation, of the body, the energy, the mind, the witness, and tried to find what was left - the self at the center. I think I had about a second of enlightenment before the witness started noticing the stiffness in my arms, but it was interesting. My homework is to pick a time and meditate for how long I can during that time all week. We do a full practice this coming Thursday, which should be great to put it all together.

Next Friday I leave for Maine! WOOO HOOO!!!

life tools

What a whirlwind of the last few days. I have to do emergency training today and tomorrow for a compliance issue, and I have to teach around making assumptions and being self-aware in the workplace. The people have no idea why they are going to be there, but I have 3 shifts of them. I'm going to sell it as a fun hour away from the office where they can learn some helpful tools to help them on their teams and in life. Hopefully that flies!

I am so happy for yoga tonight. I just love going there, as my body feels so much better afterwards. I'm noticing a lot of tightening in my muscles where there used to be a little bit of flab. Once I get back from Maine I am going to start a regular weekly yoga practice with class a few times a week. The environment for yoga is so much better in the classroom - as the room is warmed and it's set up for quiet meditation. I need this.

I'm working from the data center this morning as I attended the HR staff meeting. That is always interesting because only a few of them have something to say. The VP asked me to share what I was working on... I think I blew their minds. They just don't really get what we do, even though we are a sister department. It's really sad. But that just means more room to grow in a relationship with them.

Happy Anniversary to my blog!

So, it's official, it has been one year since I started writing my blog out of desperation to sort out my life. My initial post stated that I was hoping to live in the moment and not focus so much on the shoulds and woulds and take each day as it comes. It also mentioned so many changes that I will be undertaking over the next year.

Today's post is a celebration of a year of change, and although I'm not completely finished my Golden Year (the year of 29), a lot of changes have happened. This year's purpose was not necessarily to focus on the physical things that cause change, but also the internal battles that I face with myself on my thought process and in my search for clarity. Sometimes I was very introspective with clear insight, and other posts were silly and joyful in nature - but that is the life of a human, and I don't fault myself that.

This weekend was actually also the 1 year anniversary of my break-up with my ex-boyfriend. Even after a year, I still think about that relationship's ending because it was so pivotal in the person that I am today. I had to go through a very strong mourning period, as that is what lead me down the path of change. I can honestly say, right or wrong, that I never mourned him - actually, I was pretty okay with us not being together anymore. What it took me so long to mourn is the loss of a plan. That loss of the plan is what provoked me into shaking up my life and making changes. In hindsight, I can look back at that loss as a necessary learning point that has gotten me to grow and change.

How have I changed? Well, here are the physical things:

1. I started my graduate program in MSOD in September. I had to get used to being back in school again, but this time it was for me. I've found a career and a program that speaks to my value system, and I clearly see the impact I have on the lives of others. I look forward to going to work every morning, and I look forward to making progress with my clients. I feel empowered on a daily basis, which not many people can say they have.
2. I've lost 21 pounds. I had my weigh-in today and I'm almost at 22lbs, but I keep going up and down a .25. I want to lose more weight. I love myself as I am, but I want to look like someone else now. That's funny to say, but I've looked like me for 30 years, and now I want to see what my body could look like as something different. No, I am not a candidate for plastic surgery; I believe in changing myself the old fashioned way.
3. I started on a bowling league. Although drama seems to be following me from bowling league to bowling league, it is really fun. I've also purchased my own shoes and ball, and love them. It's fun to get together with friends and just relax one night a week.
4. I try to get to the gym 4 times a week. My stamina has increased and I actually love working-out. I never thought I'd say that, but I enjoy it.
5. I started dating again - and I met someone. We are still in the friend stage, which I'm okay with, but I really really enjoy him. We have the best conversations, and he treats me so nicely.
6. I finally got to Bermuda! I took my mom last year on a cruise for her 60th birthday and we had the best time. It was so relaxing and fun - definitely will go there again.
7. Speaking of that, it was made possible by my shiny new passport! It's just waiting to be used.
8. My client list and responsibilities have increased drastically at work - but I love it!
9. I got new glasses!
10. I got a new laptop at work!
11. I started a regular yoga and meditation practice.

Emotionally/mentally... here are my changes:

1. I have firmly adopted the Serenity Prayer as my way of life. I accept things as they are, and not try to change them to suit me. Which sounds counterproductive to my need to change myself, but the Lord loves me so much he wants me to change for the better.
2. I've attempted to try not to jump ahead to the next thing. I get so happy sometimes when I'm involved with something that I want to take it to the next level, but I have to stop doing that. It is what it is.
3. I look at each experience as a learning experience and I've let go of getting upset. I have to practice what I preach at work, and model my own behavior I am trying to get leaders to live. I can't do that if I let my emotions get the best of me.
4. I've identified my emotional eating habit and am controlling it. I no longer reach for food, I turn to exercise.
5. I've learned better understanding and awareness of myself and others through getting certified in the MBTI. It really helps me to understand personality preferences and how I can better show-up in situations.
6. I've learned how to breathe. This sounds physical, but its amazing the mental clarity that arises with deep controlled breathing. I'm not great at it, but I try.
7. My yoga practice is helping me notice my body and my feelings. I have a tendency to stuff them down and play the quiet martyr. Not making people feel guilty, but taking on the burden for others to save them. This is also called the wounded warrior.
8. I've learned to better use myself in situations so that I have more productive conversations. Asking the questions I need to ask, and not being afraid of the answers.

Things for me to work on this coming year:

- Still living in the moment. Sometimes I feel like I am a removed observer in my own life, and I am waiting for something big to happen to make me feel it.
- More weight loss
- Letting myself be open to anything

I prayed this weekend at church for the Lord to give me whatever it is I am waiting for, as I am finally ready to take it on. And I am ready to open my heart to anything.

Cherry Blossom Festival

What a wonderful weekend! The bad weather on Friday finally cleared, and I headed out with family on Saturday morning to take in the Cherry Blossoms in DC. I got wind and sunburn on my face, but the beautiful day made up for it!

Yesterday was awesome too, and I spent it visiting the family cemeteries and leaving Easter flowers. Somehow it's fallen to my limb of the family tree to provide the flowers for the deceased, but we don't mind. This is how I found out about my family history and the stories that go along with the people.

I can't believe it has been a year since my life-altering moment that triggered this blog - the break-up of my first serious relationship. Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my blog, and I'll be celebrating with an update of the year. So much has happened, and I'm going to start making a list to capture it all.

Here are the pictures from the Cherry Blossom Festival!

Cherry Blossom Festival 2009

work-life balance!

Tuesday night I went to the gym and did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I was feeling really open and relaxed in my muscles, so I decided it would be a great time to do some of my yoga practice. I was amazed at the stretches and bends I was able to get into with my muscles completely warmed up. Then I felt like a wet noodle all day yesterday and no other word to describe my body except for 'used'. But I think it was helpful to work the kinks out. I'm looking forward to tonight's class, as it involves forward bends.

Yesterday was interesting. I had to be at the Columbia Sheraton at 7:30am for a retreat I was observing for my client. I woke up and remembered that I had left something at my office that I needed, and just thought I would stop by work to pick it up. As I made the turn into my parking lot, I saw a man walking along Middle River Road and make the walk up the driveway into the parking lot. I parked in the first spot by the door, ran to my desk, and picked up what I needed. I was about to go through the outer door (which is key swipe entry) when I noticed that he was standing on the curb, looking into the building by my car. It was around 6:30am, still dark outside, and the glow from the security lights on the building illuminated him. I didn't leave the building. Fortunately someone from another department was in that early, and I asked her to walk me out to the door, just because I was afraid! She did, and the guy had walked on and was farther up the side of the building walking. IT FREAKED ME OUT! I am going to go with the benefit of the doubt, and think that he was just curious about why someone would be there so early and what type of building it was, and that he did not have devious things in mind. But who knows what kind of fools are in the world!

I took it easy on my workout last night, but am really looking forward to my yoga class tonight. This has been a very busy week, with most of my time spent in the car driving to meetings. I had a productive one this morning with Finance, so I think everything is moving in the right direction.

I've also been reading the 4 books for my class that is coming up in April. I can't wait for my week away in Maine! WOOO HOOO! I will the confirmation of my class during that week, but at least the director of the program will be with them, and I'll get to see the pictures. But sometimes I just can't do everything. Work-life balance, work-life balance!