Have you ever wanted to roll around on the floor and kick your feet in protest?
I really need to stay away from facebook or twitter. It allows me to look into the lives of past boyfriends and pisses me off. Do I want them back? HELL NO. I just want to tell the world to stay away from them. Yes, I'm being honest and frank.
I'm not being conceited, but most of these guys didn't deserve me, and treated me like shit. When they weren't playing hard to get, they were cold, unemotional, or too concerned with their own lives to pay me enough attention. I never asked anything from them, ever, yet they broke it off with me. Yes, I was an idiot for staying, but I was blinded by lust and love. That's not an excuse... hell, I'm even to blame too. It takes two to tango. But sometimes I want to rage at the women they are with now and tell them to run away. That they will never change, and explain how they treated me, so that they can fully understand what the new love of their life is truly capable of.
Is that wrong? Probably. The old Amy would be horrified at me saying this, but the new Amy places blame where it is deserved. I never deserved to be treated that way.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Horoscope for the Day
I just got this in my inbox as my Taurus horoscope:
Your passions have been stirring about like a caged animal for the past several days, dear Taurus. Now is the time to let them out. Some of what you express may elicit surprise or disapproval, but that's no reason not to speak up. If you don't express yourself, illness may result. Your goal should be to be true to your inner self; that's the only way, ultimately, to be happy and healthy.
....
I tell you, the universe has a way of telling you what you need to hear when you need to hear it. I had my doctors appointment this morning as a follow-up for my blood pressure and the medicine that I'm on for the anxiety. My blood pressure was perfect, and the medicine is working wonderfully.... along with my therapy and the life changes I am making to have more fun! I'm probably going to be on meds for another 6 months, see how I do, and then start weaning off of it. My doctor mentioned that my dosage is so low, most people need a lot more to stabilize.. which is a good thing!
I have been restless lately, there's a lot of sexual energy inside of me waiting to get out. Grrooowwwlll... hehe I like growling, its fun. Fun and flirty in my thirties - that's the goal!
Your passions have been stirring about like a caged animal for the past several days, dear Taurus. Now is the time to let them out. Some of what you express may elicit surprise or disapproval, but that's no reason not to speak up. If you don't express yourself, illness may result. Your goal should be to be true to your inner self; that's the only way, ultimately, to be happy and healthy.
....
I tell you, the universe has a way of telling you what you need to hear when you need to hear it. I had my doctors appointment this morning as a follow-up for my blood pressure and the medicine that I'm on for the anxiety. My blood pressure was perfect, and the medicine is working wonderfully.... along with my therapy and the life changes I am making to have more fun! I'm probably going to be on meds for another 6 months, see how I do, and then start weaning off of it. My doctor mentioned that my dosage is so low, most people need a lot more to stabilize.. which is a good thing!
I have been restless lately, there's a lot of sexual energy inside of me waiting to get out. Grrooowwwlll... hehe I like growling, its fun. Fun and flirty in my thirties - that's the goal!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Counting down...
I have about 30mins before I get to leave for the day, and it can't come sooner. Our building has been without water for most of the morning and early afternoon. The office we work in decided to leave the building open, but allow the employees to go home. However, my boss, didn't think being without bathrooms was a big deal, and got pissed because we suggested going elsewhere to work. She kept saying that she couldn't give us the day off, and we kept saying that we didn't want the day off, we just didn't want to stay here. She was stuck in traffic and getting pissy in the heart of DC, so most of us just decided to stay here since she was coming back to the office. Two of my coworkers went to the extra space we have at Harbor, but the water came back on around 1:30pm.
This place is quiet as can be. We had a moment of hilarity when Jocelyn wanted to test out the new mattress camping pad that she bought. It is self inflating and we couldn't figure out how to get the air out of it. Finally we started just rolling it, which worked, but then she let it go by accident to grab the cord to wrap it, and the thing re inflated. I was on the floor hysterical at her expression. Other than that I've been sending emails to friends and checking out dating websites on my blackberry.
I do have work to do, but I don't feel like it... its going to be a bear. I have about 60+ forms to compile and theme... boring. I have all of tomorrow free after my doctors appointment, so I will work on them then.
I'm looking forward to this weekend already. Saturday I'm going to New Jersey for a family reunion, and then Sunday I'm having lunch with my friend Stephanie. I'm heading down to NOVA for that, and we should have a good time. I'm really loving my new girlfriends, as I'm opening myself to them and I'm finding people who have really similar lives and situations. I'm looking forward to when my friend Sam gets back into town at the end of August... as he can join in on the single people fun and craziness.
I'm stepping up my workout program at the gym. I've been doing 30 mins of the elliptical, but now its time to start extending the time or moving faster. But I may do the bike tonight as I have a book I have to start reading for my new book club. Its easier for me to ride and read opposed to run and read.
Come on last 30mins.....
This place is quiet as can be. We had a moment of hilarity when Jocelyn wanted to test out the new mattress camping pad that she bought. It is self inflating and we couldn't figure out how to get the air out of it. Finally we started just rolling it, which worked, but then she let it go by accident to grab the cord to wrap it, and the thing re inflated. I was on the floor hysterical at her expression. Other than that I've been sending emails to friends and checking out dating websites on my blackberry.
I do have work to do, but I don't feel like it... its going to be a bear. I have about 60+ forms to compile and theme... boring. I have all of tomorrow free after my doctors appointment, so I will work on them then.
I'm looking forward to this weekend already. Saturday I'm going to New Jersey for a family reunion, and then Sunday I'm having lunch with my friend Stephanie. I'm heading down to NOVA for that, and we should have a good time. I'm really loving my new girlfriends, as I'm opening myself to them and I'm finding people who have really similar lives and situations. I'm looking forward to when my friend Sam gets back into town at the end of August... as he can join in on the single people fun and craziness.
I'm stepping up my workout program at the gym. I've been doing 30 mins of the elliptical, but now its time to start extending the time or moving faster. But I may do the bike tonight as I have a book I have to start reading for my new book club. Its easier for me to ride and read opposed to run and read.
Come on last 30mins.....
Can't...
Why is it that when something it taken away, you crave it? And you don't really notice it before? We don't have water in our building today at work, and now that we can't use the bathroom, I have to pee. I wasn't even thinking about it until I got a notice in my email that we aren't to use the restrooms or the sinks. I used to have this same problem during Lent and not eating meat on Fridays. I never wanted meat until I couldn't have it. I used to crave cheeseburgers during Lent on Fridays, and think I was just going to die begin a vegetarian for the day. I've grown out of that, but it was so drastic as a kid.
At therapy last night we talked more about me being assertive and detached. Detachment in the sense of not really caring about what people think about me. She was making a lot of sense... here's the bottom line. I care about what people think, thus I feel responsible to act as I think they want me to act, thus I'm never fully authentic with them, thus I end up hiding part of who I am so they won't judge me, thus I have superficial relationships that stress me out and make me resentful because they don't seem "real" to me. I think that's why when I find someone that I can actually feel "real" with, I'm loyal, affection, and don't want to lose them ever.
It takes a lot for me to trust people... I usually end up dealing with their issues, getting to know the heart of them, and for some reason they think they know me, but they never really do. A lot of people think that I'm not covert at all, but there is a lot going on in my head that most wouldn't know how to deal with, or want to deal with. I don't mean that the thoughts are scary, but the way my brain thinks and analysis, the depth of intelligence would be frightening. I used to share this type of relationship with my friend Jen from high school. She and I would play "Dr. J and Dr. A" and psychoanalysis everything. We would out-do each other, trying to find patterns in behavior and logical jumps in dialog to make associations and connections for people's behavior. We rarely did that around other people, but it was fun for us. I have found that type of relationship with my cohort members in school... I feel intellectually stimulated again, which is refreshing. I'm starting to open and share with a few of them, and it has been so rewarding for me. I finally feel connected and accepted, and not that I have to hide.
I have a few friends that I feel that connection with, that I can be my total self with, and it is so rewarding. I love them!
At therapy last night we talked more about me being assertive and detached. Detachment in the sense of not really caring about what people think about me. She was making a lot of sense... here's the bottom line. I care about what people think, thus I feel responsible to act as I think they want me to act, thus I'm never fully authentic with them, thus I end up hiding part of who I am so they won't judge me, thus I have superficial relationships that stress me out and make me resentful because they don't seem "real" to me. I think that's why when I find someone that I can actually feel "real" with, I'm loyal, affection, and don't want to lose them ever.
It takes a lot for me to trust people... I usually end up dealing with their issues, getting to know the heart of them, and for some reason they think they know me, but they never really do. A lot of people think that I'm not covert at all, but there is a lot going on in my head that most wouldn't know how to deal with, or want to deal with. I don't mean that the thoughts are scary, but the way my brain thinks and analysis, the depth of intelligence would be frightening. I used to share this type of relationship with my friend Jen from high school. She and I would play "Dr. J and Dr. A" and psychoanalysis everything. We would out-do each other, trying to find patterns in behavior and logical jumps in dialog to make associations and connections for people's behavior. We rarely did that around other people, but it was fun for us. I have found that type of relationship with my cohort members in school... I feel intellectually stimulated again, which is refreshing. I'm starting to open and share with a few of them, and it has been so rewarding for me. I finally feel connected and accepted, and not that I have to hide.
I have a few friends that I feel that connection with, that I can be my total self with, and it is so rewarding. I love them!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
DC Men...
Be still the hearts of the male DC population...
April and I are stepping out to 4 minute date next Tuesday! This is going to be a riot! I hopefully won't start giggling over the absurdity of the entire thing and waste my 4 minutes with a few of the guys. Because once I start laughing, sometimes I just can't stop.
I already told her that I can't sit next to her... that will make it worse. Or I'll be getting involved into their conversation (as would she) and make this a 4 person date opposed to a 2. We would also need time in between to converse about each of the guys.... its best if we sit apart! LOL
This is a hoot!
April and I are stepping out to 4 minute date next Tuesday! This is going to be a riot! I hopefully won't start giggling over the absurdity of the entire thing and waste my 4 minutes with a few of the guys. Because once I start laughing, sometimes I just can't stop.
I already told her that I can't sit next to her... that will make it worse. Or I'll be getting involved into their conversation (as would she) and make this a 4 person date opposed to a 2. We would also need time in between to converse about each of the guys.... its best if we sit apart! LOL
This is a hoot!
Happy Hour
Since I spent most of the afternoon toward DC yesterday, I met my friend April for happy hour in Bethesda! We had a blast! A couple glasses of wine, some good Mexican food, and lots of girl talk. We've decided that we are going to try speed dating! LOL April did this about 2 years ago and met someone, but it didn't work out. So we are going to give it a try - hell, its one way to meet a bunch of singles.
We are also going to start going to the "Professionals in the City" and "Things to do" events, at least every other week. Some of them can get expensive, but we are all about having fun. I shared my new life plan with her, and hers is similar, although she is moving to LA to be with her best friend. They apparently have tried to move to southern California together for at least 10 years now, and finally it looks like it will happen. The plan is for us to have as much fun as possible until we graduate, and get lives! We're young and flirty, we should be doing young and flirty things.... not so serious all the time!
I think our first adventure in speed dating is happening next week... watch out DC, you won't know what hit you! I only have 4 mins to entertain myself talking to these men, so this should be interesting. I'll have to come up with some random fun questions to ask - there is nothing better than an old school Amy interview! hehe :) My goal is not to scare them, just to intrigue them.... must work on that!
We are also going to start going to the "Professionals in the City" and "Things to do" events, at least every other week. Some of them can get expensive, but we are all about having fun. I shared my new life plan with her, and hers is similar, although she is moving to LA to be with her best friend. They apparently have tried to move to southern California together for at least 10 years now, and finally it looks like it will happen. The plan is for us to have as much fun as possible until we graduate, and get lives! We're young and flirty, we should be doing young and flirty things.... not so serious all the time!
I think our first adventure in speed dating is happening next week... watch out DC, you won't know what hit you! I only have 4 mins to entertain myself talking to these men, so this should be interesting. I'll have to come up with some random fun questions to ask - there is nothing better than an old school Amy interview! hehe :) My goal is not to scare them, just to intrigue them.... must work on that!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Secrets
So I truly believe that the brain is more powerful then given credit, and changing your attitude can change your whole life. I'm starting week two of having fun and being stress free - and it's working!
I finished reading The Secret, and now I just need to test it out. The piece that I know is going to be tricky for me is the belief section. You have to believe with everything inside of you that its (whatever it is that you want) going to happen and act like it already happened. Live your life like you have what you are asking for. And don't do anything that is contradictory. For instance, a story shared in the book was about a woman wanting a life partner. She wished and believed, but she wasn't living like she already had it. So she started parking on one side of her parking pad to make room for another car, cleaned out her closet to make room for a man's clothing, and started sleeping on "her" side of the bed, and no longer in the middle. Once she started living like she already had a partner, she got one. Interesting... so the trick is living like you already have it.
Anyway, I had a great weekend. I went out with friends on Friday night to an outside movie, and it ended just before the sky opened up and poured on us! Saturday I found a peach orchard in PA, after getting a pedi and mani at the spa. I had a delicious fresh peach sundae before going out to dinner with my mom later that evening. Sunday I went to the movies and then decided to get my haircut. I told my stylist to do whatever she wanted, just not too short. I have bangs now, just a side-sweep, and lots of layers. It's cute!
Tonight I'm going to be in Bethesda and meet my friend April for Happy Hour - yay! I also updated my online dating profiles this weekend, and I'm back on the market! I decided that what I was really feeling for the guy friend I mentioned before was just love of a friend, and not some romantic thing my mind wanted to craft. I'm open to anything!
I finished reading The Secret, and now I just need to test it out. The piece that I know is going to be tricky for me is the belief section. You have to believe with everything inside of you that its (whatever it is that you want) going to happen and act like it already happened. Live your life like you have what you are asking for. And don't do anything that is contradictory. For instance, a story shared in the book was about a woman wanting a life partner. She wished and believed, but she wasn't living like she already had it. So she started parking on one side of her parking pad to make room for another car, cleaned out her closet to make room for a man's clothing, and started sleeping on "her" side of the bed, and no longer in the middle. Once she started living like she already had a partner, she got one. Interesting... so the trick is living like you already have it.
Anyway, I had a great weekend. I went out with friends on Friday night to an outside movie, and it ended just before the sky opened up and poured on us! Saturday I found a peach orchard in PA, after getting a pedi and mani at the spa. I had a delicious fresh peach sundae before going out to dinner with my mom later that evening. Sunday I went to the movies and then decided to get my haircut. I told my stylist to do whatever she wanted, just not too short. I have bangs now, just a side-sweep, and lots of layers. It's cute!
Tonight I'm going to be in Bethesda and meet my friend April for Happy Hour - yay! I also updated my online dating profiles this weekend, and I'm back on the market! I decided that what I was really feeling for the guy friend I mentioned before was just love of a friend, and not some romantic thing my mind wanted to craft. I'm open to anything!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Presentation Skills
I arrived in Columbia at the corporate office this morning to teach presentation skills to the compliance department. I wasn't sure what type of group to expect, but they were wild and crazy! We had a good time today, and they seemed to have a lot of fun with me.
Its now 2:30pm and I am officially finished for the day. I think I'm going to drive home and have a nice long work-out at the gym. I really like working out, and listening to music as I do it - its fun! Then I have yoga class tonight. I like this yoga class, but I like the one I took at charm city yoga better. That one was more in depth and moving, this one is just too slow for me. We do a lot of stretching and a few yoga moves, and then we're done. The other class had more of a rhythm to follow and I felt more mentally zoned after that one. I'm going to find an additional class to take once the fall starts. It just makes me feel so good.
I looked really cute today - my body is really reshaping. I had on black pants, white tank top, and a really cute black and white pattern jacket. Along with my high heels, I was styling. I like working with in-tact teams opposed to open-enrollment. I spent a hour helping them dig into how to rewrite the workshops they do, opposed to just letting them apply the ideas. They are about to change direction, and they need some guidance on what that should be. Unfortunately they aren't my client, so I will refer them back to my coworker for that.
A free afternoon..... I'm tempted to go across the street to the mall and spend money. But then I don't want to get stuck in traffic on the way home. I think the gym is the better way to go! hehe :) Much more healthy!
Its now 2:30pm and I am officially finished for the day. I think I'm going to drive home and have a nice long work-out at the gym. I really like working out, and listening to music as I do it - its fun! Then I have yoga class tonight. I like this yoga class, but I like the one I took at charm city yoga better. That one was more in depth and moving, this one is just too slow for me. We do a lot of stretching and a few yoga moves, and then we're done. The other class had more of a rhythm to follow and I felt more mentally zoned after that one. I'm going to find an additional class to take once the fall starts. It just makes me feel so good.
I looked really cute today - my body is really reshaping. I had on black pants, white tank top, and a really cute black and white pattern jacket. Along with my high heels, I was styling. I like working with in-tact teams opposed to open-enrollment. I spent a hour helping them dig into how to rewrite the workshops they do, opposed to just letting them apply the ideas. They are about to change direction, and they need some guidance on what that should be. Unfortunately they aren't my client, so I will refer them back to my coworker for that.
A free afternoon..... I'm tempted to go across the street to the mall and spend money. But then I don't want to get stuck in traffic on the way home. I think the gym is the better way to go! hehe :) Much more healthy!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Falling asleep...
I knew my sugar high was going to have me crash. My eyes are so sleepy as I sit at my cube and wish I can crawl under for a nap.
I went out to Target to pick up a few odds and ends and I got a few fun things for me. I'm joining a book club with my cousins, so I got that back. It's called The Book Thief, and as I was reading about it online, it's a young adult book. Apparently it was released overseas as an adult book, but in the US its considered young adult. I wonder why they are reading a young adult book? This isn't my group of younger cousins, they are around my age. I'm interested to see how this goes.
I also picked up the newer cd by Pink. The song "please don't leave me" has been stuck in my head for awhile. I really do like her work, so I just had to pick that up in order to rock out to it. I also picked up a binder for my mid-year review at grad school. I got a pretty green one, now I just need to make sure everything gets into it. It is due in August the weekend I am back in school. My final indulgent purchase was The Secret. I've heard so much about the book lately that I needed to see it for myself. I wonder if I already know the secret?
I feel like I know a secret. I've been feeling so free ever since this weekend. I keep telling people about it, but I guess I'm trying to get them used to the idea that I'm moving on and am going to start living for me. I feel so much better, as I finally figured out what I want to do. I'm going to travel for work and move out of Baltimore. I've also felt that I'm bigger than Baltimore and have so much to bring to the world. Just thinking about it makes my soul feel good.
I went out to Target to pick up a few odds and ends and I got a few fun things for me. I'm joining a book club with my cousins, so I got that back. It's called The Book Thief, and as I was reading about it online, it's a young adult book. Apparently it was released overseas as an adult book, but in the US its considered young adult. I wonder why they are reading a young adult book? This isn't my group of younger cousins, they are around my age. I'm interested to see how this goes.
I also picked up the newer cd by Pink. The song "please don't leave me" has been stuck in my head for awhile. I really do like her work, so I just had to pick that up in order to rock out to it. I also picked up a binder for my mid-year review at grad school. I got a pretty green one, now I just need to make sure everything gets into it. It is due in August the weekend I am back in school. My final indulgent purchase was The Secret. I've heard so much about the book lately that I needed to see it for myself. I wonder if I already know the secret?
I feel like I know a secret. I've been feeling so free ever since this weekend. I keep telling people about it, but I guess I'm trying to get them used to the idea that I'm moving on and am going to start living for me. I feel so much better, as I finally figured out what I want to do. I'm going to travel for work and move out of Baltimore. I've also felt that I'm bigger than Baltimore and have so much to bring to the world. Just thinking about it makes my soul feel good.
Sugared-up
I swear that sugar has the same affect on me as alcohol. I don't eat it often, but when I do I get goofy. I was just dancing around the office after having a chocolate donut. Jeff, my coworker, decided to supply us with donuts this morning before his meeting and now I'm all goofy! It will wear off in an hour or so and I'll slump, but its fun now!
I'm excited about my weekend plans. I've been trying to plan something every weekend so I have cool things to look forward to. Friday night I am going out with Rachel to an outside movie in Little Italy. I'm hoping that it doesn't rain, but we are bringing a picnic, relaxing and enjoying. Saturday I am going out with Ryan and Josh and maybe Michelle. We are going to hit some golf balls at a driving range, maybe play mini golf, have dinner, and then go duckpin bowling! It's going to be awesome! It'll be fun to catch up with my guys! hehe :)
I need to get my toes done, so I will probably do that during the day on Saturday or Sunday. Getting a foot massage from an Asian man is heaven. Hell, getting a foot massage from any man is heaven.
I've gotten my fire back, and my joy. I've been so happy since this weekend that I've been dancing around and enjoying myself. Having fun and having a plan of not fitting into someone else's stereotype of me is freeing. I can't wait until graduation, I'm going to go find myself. I think I've only discovered about inch thick of who I am, but there is so much more. I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do, and learn about everything I wanted to learn about. Its so freeing!!!
I'm excited about my weekend plans. I've been trying to plan something every weekend so I have cool things to look forward to. Friday night I am going out with Rachel to an outside movie in Little Italy. I'm hoping that it doesn't rain, but we are bringing a picnic, relaxing and enjoying. Saturday I am going out with Ryan and Josh and maybe Michelle. We are going to hit some golf balls at a driving range, maybe play mini golf, have dinner, and then go duckpin bowling! It's going to be awesome! It'll be fun to catch up with my guys! hehe :)
I need to get my toes done, so I will probably do that during the day on Saturday or Sunday. Getting a foot massage from an Asian man is heaven. Hell, getting a foot massage from any man is heaven.
I've gotten my fire back, and my joy. I've been so happy since this weekend that I've been dancing around and enjoying myself. Having fun and having a plan of not fitting into someone else's stereotype of me is freeing. I can't wait until graduation, I'm going to go find myself. I think I've only discovered about inch thick of who I am, but there is so much more. I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do, and learn about everything I wanted to learn about. Its so freeing!!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Good night
So, many people think that I'm a prude and very reserved. I have to chuckle when they think that, because if they really knew what I was thinking or how dirty my mind was, they would be shocked.
In finding balance, I'm working on bringing my sexuality to the surface. No, I'm not going to turn into a whore, but sharing the part of me naturally would be more authentic to the person that I want to be. Sexiness is confidence, and I have that in some aspects of my life, especially work. I just need to let that flow into the other areas of me.
But to begin sharing the authenticity of me, I have to come clean and share that I have a purely indulgent phone sex relationship with a guy that I met 10 months ago on an online dating site. He lives in Minnesota, has the cutest light accent, and we have a weekly date. It really is relaxing, considering that I haven't had sex in person since January. That's 7 months too long. I also have a flirtation with a guy in Boston that I met on a dating site, we email each other while at work during the day. He wants to whisk me away to Las Vegas, but I'm pretty sure that is just going to stay as a flirtation. Now if I could just have the same type of relationships locally, I think I'd be a much more stress-free woman.
-----------------
On another note, I spoke with my friend Michelle last night and she got to tell me all about her new baby. I'm going to meet the little guy tomorrow night, and I can't wait! He sounds like a real cutie! :)
In finding balance, I'm working on bringing my sexuality to the surface. No, I'm not going to turn into a whore, but sharing the part of me naturally would be more authentic to the person that I want to be. Sexiness is confidence, and I have that in some aspects of my life, especially work. I just need to let that flow into the other areas of me.
But to begin sharing the authenticity of me, I have to come clean and share that I have a purely indulgent phone sex relationship with a guy that I met 10 months ago on an online dating site. He lives in Minnesota, has the cutest light accent, and we have a weekly date. It really is relaxing, considering that I haven't had sex in person since January. That's 7 months too long. I also have a flirtation with a guy in Boston that I met on a dating site, we email each other while at work during the day. He wants to whisk me away to Las Vegas, but I'm pretty sure that is just going to stay as a flirtation. Now if I could just have the same type of relationships locally, I think I'd be a much more stress-free woman.
-----------------
On another note, I spoke with my friend Michelle last night and she got to tell me all about her new baby. I'm going to meet the little guy tomorrow night, and I can't wait! He sounds like a real cutie! :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Much needed...
I had such a fun weekend. Class was horribly boring, as I'm not into financial statements at all. I felt like falling asleep for most of it, or rolling around on the floor. I was bad, as I started a classmate on the fit of giggles during the lecture because I leaned over and whispered that I feel like rolling around on the floor. I also went on to say that the professor will probably just step over me and keep lecturing. Boy does he like to hear himself talk! It entertained me at least!
I had an awesome weekend with April. We went out Friday night and had a great dinner at an outdoor cafe, then hit up two bars. One was a beer bar, which had over 300 different varieties of beer. I had a really good pale German, and she had a red. Then we wandered to another bar and just had fun being out! I was trying to talk her into doing a shot with me, but she doesn't do liquor. Saturday night we went out with a bunch of people from class, and that felt awesome too. I was sharing my need for fun and friends, and it was amazing to see that they were all in the same boat that I am. They are just as stressed and need to have fun too. It's not just me! We all feel like we are holding on until something better comes along. But our social lives should never take a back bench to the professional life. We made a deal to start seeing each other on a regular basis and just hang out. We are even having a slumber party in August when we get together, we just need that time together!
That's what has been missing in my life for awhile. Girlfriends. I have some now, and I love them, but my life isn't in their same place. What do you do with a single woman who wants to go out all the time, when you have responsibilities with the new family you are starting? So I would go online and meet men, because that is what I thought I needed. If I had one too, then I wouldn't be lonely. But the truth is, all I ever found were guy friends. Guys who I turned into friends, because that is really what I needed. Someone to call and chat, and someone go out with. But I realized this weekend that I have them in my classmates, they were just waiting for me to reach out with them and connect. I'm not alone, I'm not by myself, and I have them. I just need to have fun - it's so important to me right now.
I've also been evaluating who I want to be. I think I got depressed because I felt trapped. I looked at my life and said, "Is this all there is forever?" And freaked out. I'm not meant to live in Middle River, working 7 mins away, in a job listening to other people's problems, living with my mom, and having small amounts of adventure every few months. My life isn't supposed to be this way - so I'm starting to plan what that should be.
I'm going to hold out until I graduate. That degree is so important to me. But I'm planning what is going to happen the day after graduation. I'm probably going to move - right now it's a toss up between a beach city and a major city - like New York or Boston. I want to work internationally, for a company that lets me travel. My roots are always in Baltimore, but I can have so much more, so why should I settle? Really, what is here for me? I don't have to settle and be what everyone thinks I should be - I can have the wonderful life that I want.
I had an awesome weekend with April. We went out Friday night and had a great dinner at an outdoor cafe, then hit up two bars. One was a beer bar, which had over 300 different varieties of beer. I had a really good pale German, and she had a red. Then we wandered to another bar and just had fun being out! I was trying to talk her into doing a shot with me, but she doesn't do liquor. Saturday night we went out with a bunch of people from class, and that felt awesome too. I was sharing my need for fun and friends, and it was amazing to see that they were all in the same boat that I am. They are just as stressed and need to have fun too. It's not just me! We all feel like we are holding on until something better comes along. But our social lives should never take a back bench to the professional life. We made a deal to start seeing each other on a regular basis and just hang out. We are even having a slumber party in August when we get together, we just need that time together!
That's what has been missing in my life for awhile. Girlfriends. I have some now, and I love them, but my life isn't in their same place. What do you do with a single woman who wants to go out all the time, when you have responsibilities with the new family you are starting? So I would go online and meet men, because that is what I thought I needed. If I had one too, then I wouldn't be lonely. But the truth is, all I ever found were guy friends. Guys who I turned into friends, because that is really what I needed. Someone to call and chat, and someone go out with. But I realized this weekend that I have them in my classmates, they were just waiting for me to reach out with them and connect. I'm not alone, I'm not by myself, and I have them. I just need to have fun - it's so important to me right now.
I've also been evaluating who I want to be. I think I got depressed because I felt trapped. I looked at my life and said, "Is this all there is forever?" And freaked out. I'm not meant to live in Middle River, working 7 mins away, in a job listening to other people's problems, living with my mom, and having small amounts of adventure every few months. My life isn't supposed to be this way - so I'm starting to plan what that should be.
I'm going to hold out until I graduate. That degree is so important to me. But I'm planning what is going to happen the day after graduation. I'm probably going to move - right now it's a toss up between a beach city and a major city - like New York or Boston. I want to work internationally, for a company that lets me travel. My roots are always in Baltimore, but I can have so much more, so why should I settle? Really, what is here for me? I don't have to settle and be what everyone thinks I should be - I can have the wonderful life that I want.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Having Fun
To bring my life into more balance, I need to have fun. I seem to spend a lot of time with work or school, and I'm bored. And then I'm worried about my boredom, and it just makes it worse.
That is why I need to have fun. I can't stop talking about my vacation and how much fun I had. It felt so good to just relax and not think and let go. I love being able to let go. Hell, I was happy as a clam to go to the grocery store on my trip, because it was fun.
I need to start making sure that I'm having fun on weekends away from my mother. I love her, but I need to be around people my own age who are living life like me. My boss told me about some social clubs that are going on, and I am going to join them. One is called the Friday Night Swing Club. I love to dance, and dancing my troubles away sounds so much fun.
I also need to go back online and start flirting with guys. I haven't done that in so long, but I need to focus my attention back onto that. I'm having a slumber party weekend away at school with April this weekend. She and I are going to have blast! I need that. I need to feel alive and not stressed. I can't continue to sit here and wait for something to happen, I have to make it happen.
That is why I need to have fun. I can't stop talking about my vacation and how much fun I had. It felt so good to just relax and not think and let go. I love being able to let go. Hell, I was happy as a clam to go to the grocery store on my trip, because it was fun.
I need to start making sure that I'm having fun on weekends away from my mother. I love her, but I need to be around people my own age who are living life like me. My boss told me about some social clubs that are going on, and I am going to join them. One is called the Friday Night Swing Club. I love to dance, and dancing my troubles away sounds so much fun.
I also need to go back online and start flirting with guys. I haven't done that in so long, but I need to focus my attention back onto that. I'm having a slumber party weekend away at school with April this weekend. She and I are going to have blast! I need that. I need to feel alive and not stressed. I can't continue to sit here and wait for something to happen, I have to make it happen.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Biological Clock
I swear, the more women I talk to, the more I start to understand what is going on with me. I had lunch with my coworker Lori today, she wanted to hear all about my vacation and asked me how everything else was going for me. We got on the subject of being single in our 30s and she asked me point blank why I didn't want to be single.
I thought about it, and I said that I don't know how to explain it. Its literally like my whole entire body is longing for a partner/mate. I don't mean sexually, although sex would be good right about now. I mean everything inside of me wants to have this deep lasting connection with a man who wants the same thing with me. I want the real thing.
Yet, this logical side of me knows that 60% of relationships end in divorce, and there was a new study on the Early Show this morning talking about why relationships fail and what situational factors contribute to it. The idea of the human race being with one partner is no longer the norm, but it is something that my internal body is longing for.
I was telling my other coworker, Jocelyn, about my conversation with Lori and she laughed and said that it was my biological clock. She said that it started to tick for me, and that's what is probably going on. My hormones are sending me signals about "now now now" to have kids and start family life, even though my brain doesn't want that right this moment. She also said that almost every woman goes through this, and it will ease as time goes on.
The weird thing is that even though I have this urge to adhere to my clock, I don't want some random fool. I want the real thing. People told me that it doesn't exist and I'm looking for something that is just a chemical reaction to attraction in the body. But I know it does. I feel the human connection with some of my friends, and I know it has the potential to be deeper with my mate.
Relationships should be built on friendships. I think that's the key that other people are missing and why their relationships don't last. As initial attraction fades, there should be something there to keep the relationship going. If I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, than it better be someone I love and enjoy spending time with, outside of the sexual realm. Best friends have a bond that is lasting and life-altering. Why wouldn't I want my mate to be my best friend too? Or start as my best friend?
I also know that things show up when you aren't looking for them, or things change from how you first categorized them. I'm open to the possibly with any male that I meet, including my current male friends. Who better to love me forever, than someone who already loves me?
I thought about it, and I said that I don't know how to explain it. Its literally like my whole entire body is longing for a partner/mate. I don't mean sexually, although sex would be good right about now. I mean everything inside of me wants to have this deep lasting connection with a man who wants the same thing with me. I want the real thing.
Yet, this logical side of me knows that 60% of relationships end in divorce, and there was a new study on the Early Show this morning talking about why relationships fail and what situational factors contribute to it. The idea of the human race being with one partner is no longer the norm, but it is something that my internal body is longing for.
I was telling my other coworker, Jocelyn, about my conversation with Lori and she laughed and said that it was my biological clock. She said that it started to tick for me, and that's what is probably going on. My hormones are sending me signals about "now now now" to have kids and start family life, even though my brain doesn't want that right this moment. She also said that almost every woman goes through this, and it will ease as time goes on.
The weird thing is that even though I have this urge to adhere to my clock, I don't want some random fool. I want the real thing. People told me that it doesn't exist and I'm looking for something that is just a chemical reaction to attraction in the body. But I know it does. I feel the human connection with some of my friends, and I know it has the potential to be deeper with my mate.
Relationships should be built on friendships. I think that's the key that other people are missing and why their relationships don't last. As initial attraction fades, there should be something there to keep the relationship going. If I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, than it better be someone I love and enjoy spending time with, outside of the sexual realm. Best friends have a bond that is lasting and life-altering. Why wouldn't I want my mate to be my best friend too? Or start as my best friend?
I also know that things show up when you aren't looking for them, or things change from how you first categorized them. I'm open to the possibly with any male that I meet, including my current male friends. Who better to love me forever, than someone who already loves me?
Conumdrum of the Day
As I work through the stresses in my life, and try to identify the "me" that got buried down inside, there has been a lot that has come up for me that I haven't dealt with.
How does one who has been conditioned and ingrained to put everyone else first, stop? I talked to my therapist about this, and she reminded me that its always a choice. But she did mention that she can tell that what I do is actually out of genuine love for other people, and not some need to be martyr. She keeps talking about the love that she feels that comes from me, and I have to agree that is very powerful. I love everyone, and although popular culture and science likes to direct that thought as impossible, I still believe it to be true. I won't go extreme and assume evil people in the mix, but most people get the love from me freely.
Agape love, the greatest love of all. What is it really? I've been told that it's loving with everything you have inside of you without condition or thought. Its sharing that love and not restricting it at all. I try to love that way, and I want to be loved that way.
I have lived for other people for so long that I don't know exactly what it is that I want for myself. Its funny. I've taken on other people's expectations of me as my own. I could argue that I'm strong enough to say that if I didn't want it for myself I wouldn't have taken it on, but that argument is possibly weak. I have a high need to be liked, so I become the person they want me to be, and hide the pieces that they don't want to see. I'm not living fully with them.
I've been upset over the last few nights, basically man-trouble in my life. I'm trying to get over feelings I have for a friend, who just wants to be friends with me. I've read "he's not that into you," so I know the story and how it works. So I have to move on, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if the feelings are more than friend-like or if I'm feeling this way because the friendship means so much to me. I could be misreading all of this because I feel total acceptance. That's not the point of me sharing this... the point is that me being upset the last couple of nights has upset my mother. She's not used to seeing me emotional, and her response is for me to stop being this way and get over it. I told her that I can't help it, that I'm exploring being more emotional and honest about my emotions, opposed to bottling them all inside. She thinks I'm making myself upset over things I don't know as fact, and doesn't know how to handle me this way. She thinks I'm going to dissolve down and just want to sleep all the time and cry. That's not what I want to do at all, actually I have all of this energy to do things about my life. I told her that wasn't going to happen, but my tears are bothering her. I found myself trying to stuff my emotions to not upset her. Thus not being genuine. There goes my cycle again. She wanted to take me to the doctor or something, to increase my meds, but I explained that I was fine. I was just being emotional because I realized that I have to move on and find someone else, and I don't want to. She's one of the ones that needs me to be a certain way.
How does one who has been conditioned and ingrained to put everyone else first, stop? I talked to my therapist about this, and she reminded me that its always a choice. But she did mention that she can tell that what I do is actually out of genuine love for other people, and not some need to be martyr. She keeps talking about the love that she feels that comes from me, and I have to agree that is very powerful. I love everyone, and although popular culture and science likes to direct that thought as impossible, I still believe it to be true. I won't go extreme and assume evil people in the mix, but most people get the love from me freely.
Agape love, the greatest love of all. What is it really? I've been told that it's loving with everything you have inside of you without condition or thought. Its sharing that love and not restricting it at all. I try to love that way, and I want to be loved that way.
I have lived for other people for so long that I don't know exactly what it is that I want for myself. Its funny. I've taken on other people's expectations of me as my own. I could argue that I'm strong enough to say that if I didn't want it for myself I wouldn't have taken it on, but that argument is possibly weak. I have a high need to be liked, so I become the person they want me to be, and hide the pieces that they don't want to see. I'm not living fully with them.
I've been upset over the last few nights, basically man-trouble in my life. I'm trying to get over feelings I have for a friend, who just wants to be friends with me. I've read "he's not that into you," so I know the story and how it works. So I have to move on, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if the feelings are more than friend-like or if I'm feeling this way because the friendship means so much to me. I could be misreading all of this because I feel total acceptance. That's not the point of me sharing this... the point is that me being upset the last couple of nights has upset my mother. She's not used to seeing me emotional, and her response is for me to stop being this way and get over it. I told her that I can't help it, that I'm exploring being more emotional and honest about my emotions, opposed to bottling them all inside. She thinks I'm making myself upset over things I don't know as fact, and doesn't know how to handle me this way. She thinks I'm going to dissolve down and just want to sleep all the time and cry. That's not what I want to do at all, actually I have all of this energy to do things about my life. I told her that wasn't going to happen, but my tears are bothering her. I found myself trying to stuff my emotions to not upset her. Thus not being genuine. There goes my cycle again. She wanted to take me to the doctor or something, to increase my meds, but I explained that I was fine. I was just being emotional because I realized that I have to move on and find someone else, and I don't want to. She's one of the ones that needs me to be a certain way.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Back to the grind
Wow, I got really emotional last night as I was sitting there thinking about going back to work. I cried so much that I had dark circles under my eyes this morning, but it was a good release for my soul. I just had so much fun on vacation, that I didn't want it to end. I was so relaxed, and today that relaxation has carried over. But it sucks to be back at work. Fortunately I only have a three day week, as I have class on Friday. April and I are planning an old fashioned girl's slumber party weekend at school, as she is staying with me in the hotel. It's going to be a blast! I haven't had one of those in a long while, and it will be good for both of us. She just got broken up with, and she and I are very similar in that we both need more fun in our lives.
My coworkers were happy to see me, as they told me that they missed my calming and pleasant presence over the last week. That was very sweet of them, its good to feel needed. They all wanted to know how meeting Sam's family went, and I had to explain to them again that he and I are just friends and it wasn't one of those big deals in relationships. Older people are always trying to marry me off, which is nice in a weird kind of way. I think they finally got it, but who knows. They are from the school of thought that you don't meet the family unless it is serious... I told them times have changed and men and women can be friends and meet each other's families. Some didn't look like they believed me, but that's not my problem! hehe :)
My coworkers were happy to see me, as they told me that they missed my calming and pleasant presence over the last week. That was very sweet of them, its good to feel needed. They all wanted to know how meeting Sam's family went, and I had to explain to them again that he and I are just friends and it wasn't one of those big deals in relationships. Older people are always trying to marry me off, which is nice in a weird kind of way. I think they finally got it, but who knows. They are from the school of thought that you don't meet the family unless it is serious... I told them times have changed and men and women can be friends and meet each other's families. Some didn't look like they believed me, but that's not my problem! hehe :)
Monday, July 13, 2009
I love vacation!
I just got back from the most wonderful, relaxing week of vacation that I have had in a very long time. My trip started with taking my mother to Miami on July 3 and leaving on NCL's Sky for Nassau and their private island over the 4th of July holiday. The weather and the water were wonderful. I got to swim with a sea lion named Kalika who I fell in love with.
I got back on Monday, was mopey on Tuesday, and then left Wednesday to be with Sam in Texas for his birthday. What a wonderful rest of the week that was. Gosh I love that man, as he knew I was stressed and needed a break. I laughed, goofed around, drank a lot, relaxed on a lazy river, took a bunch of pictures, met his family and friends, and just detoxed all of the stress from my body. I'm actually going through withdraw this evening. I didn't think of my emotional stress life while I was there, or any of the temper tantrums that I have been throwing about growing up and figuring myself out. Actually, it completely slipped my mind until I started thinking about coming home yesterday. I didn't want it to end. But Sam always has that effect on me, he inspires me to forgot and just enjoy the moment. I admire him for that so much, as I often worry about the future and forgot to enjoy the present.
I started feeling the stress creep over me as the plane was touching down in Baltimore. Seeing my mom brought most of it back, as I remembered a lot of what was going on before I left. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but as I've been journaling in my private journal, sometimes I just want to run away. Not from her, and I don't mean that as it sounded, but she just reminded me of all the pressures and life that I escaped from for a week while on vacation. It was like having a personal greeting right at the airport.
I keep trying to figure out what I want in life, and I keep envisioning sitting on a boulder by the sea, dressed in all white, my hair blowing in the breeze as I mediate and pray. In that place, over-looking the topaz sea, I don't have to be anyone to anybody, I don't have to have a plan, I don't have to answer to anyone or anything, and I can just sit there all day, eating avocado, olives, bread, and cheese, and be. That's my heaven, a place without pressure. But then I realize that the only one putting pressure on me is me, so am I really trying to run from myself? I just want to have fun all the time. I'm so out of balance with life. But then I'm reminded that being an adult isn't about fun, it's about responsibility and making money to have fun. But I'm not taking time to enjoy the money that I'm making. Buying shoes isn't the same thing. I can't wait until this stage is over, I just have to sit in it and let it figure itself out. But fun is needed...
I got back on Monday, was mopey on Tuesday, and then left Wednesday to be with Sam in Texas for his birthday. What a wonderful rest of the week that was. Gosh I love that man, as he knew I was stressed and needed a break. I laughed, goofed around, drank a lot, relaxed on a lazy river, took a bunch of pictures, met his family and friends, and just detoxed all of the stress from my body. I'm actually going through withdraw this evening. I didn't think of my emotional stress life while I was there, or any of the temper tantrums that I have been throwing about growing up and figuring myself out. Actually, it completely slipped my mind until I started thinking about coming home yesterday. I didn't want it to end. But Sam always has that effect on me, he inspires me to forgot and just enjoy the moment. I admire him for that so much, as I often worry about the future and forgot to enjoy the present.
I started feeling the stress creep over me as the plane was touching down in Baltimore. Seeing my mom brought most of it back, as I remembered a lot of what was going on before I left. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but as I've been journaling in my private journal, sometimes I just want to run away. Not from her, and I don't mean that as it sounded, but she just reminded me of all the pressures and life that I escaped from for a week while on vacation. It was like having a personal greeting right at the airport.
I keep trying to figure out what I want in life, and I keep envisioning sitting on a boulder by the sea, dressed in all white, my hair blowing in the breeze as I mediate and pray. In that place, over-looking the topaz sea, I don't have to be anyone to anybody, I don't have to have a plan, I don't have to answer to anyone or anything, and I can just sit there all day, eating avocado, olives, bread, and cheese, and be. That's my heaven, a place without pressure. But then I realize that the only one putting pressure on me is me, so am I really trying to run from myself? I just want to have fun all the time. I'm so out of balance with life. But then I'm reminded that being an adult isn't about fun, it's about responsibility and making money to have fun. But I'm not taking time to enjoy the money that I'm making. Buying shoes isn't the same thing. I can't wait until this stage is over, I just have to sit in it and let it figure itself out. But fun is needed...
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I can have it all!
That's the new mantra that my therapist expects me to start saying. As I was explaining my latest thoughts to her she said that it sounded like I'm an over-planner. And unfortunately I can't plan life.
I have all of these rules for when things are supposed to happen, and I get worked up when they don't. And, she said, based on my ramblings, I have a tendency to believe that I have to have one or the other. I can't have everything. When, in reality, I don't have to compromise. I can have it all!
I've been trying to force myself to accept the fact that I'm an adult now and everything I wanted, I may have to do myself. I've been trying to make myself give up my dream of having a loving husband forever. And trying to make myself choose the single life. Because, that was the "right thing to do" to get on with it. But I don't have to accept that - I can have it all!
I just need to give myself permission to have it. And I am!
I leave tomorrow for my vacation, and I can't wait!!!!!!! I need a break! Lots of pictures will be posted when I get back!
Happy 4th of July! It's my very own Independence Day!
I have all of these rules for when things are supposed to happen, and I get worked up when they don't. And, she said, based on my ramblings, I have a tendency to believe that I have to have one or the other. I can't have everything. When, in reality, I don't have to compromise. I can have it all!
I've been trying to force myself to accept the fact that I'm an adult now and everything I wanted, I may have to do myself. I've been trying to make myself give up my dream of having a loving husband forever. And trying to make myself choose the single life. Because, that was the "right thing to do" to get on with it. But I don't have to accept that - I can have it all!
I just need to give myself permission to have it. And I am!
I leave tomorrow for my vacation, and I can't wait!!!!!!! I need a break! Lots of pictures will be posted when I get back!
Happy 4th of July! It's my very own Independence Day!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
counting down to vacation!
Two more sleeps until I leave for Miami! I can't wait! I need a vacation.
I went to the doctors last night for a check-up for my meds, and everything is working fine. She was a little worried about my blood pressure, as it was high, but I think that's because I was so nervous. I really have to talk for awhile and calm down, like last time, before my blood pressure comes to normal. So I have to go back after my vacation so she can monitor it. Oh fun! She also advised watching my salt intake. I think the lean cuisines I have for lunch are high in sodium, so that may be adding to it. I will get it under control.
I had a good cry on my drive in to work. It feels good to cry sometimes. I really think I'm facing the reality that I'm an adult now, and I have to execute the plan I've always had. In my head, my 20s was supposed to be about starting my career, building a foundation, and finding a mate. I was supposed to enter my 30s married and spending a few years traveling with my husband, living in an awesome house, before deciding to have children. Raising the children in my 30s and 40s, and then sending them off to college in my 50s. The 60s on was supposed to be about family, marriages, traveling, grand kids, and living my life with my husband. But I'm behind schedule. And if I want that life I just laid out, I have to face the very real possibility that I may have to do all of that on my own. There is nothing wrong with that, but it scares me. So I'm mourning the idea of what I thought was supposed to be so perfect, and trying to get to acceptance of reality. And it pisses me off. I feel like a pouty child who got their favorite toy taken away.
I see these shows like Jersey housewives, Bridezilla, and I wonder how those women get to have wonderful husbands. I wonder how they get to find their mates, and why I haven't. And yes, I don't want to be like those women, and I don't admire them, but I'm trying to compare how someone like that gets to live the fantasy life, and I don't. Not to be conceited, but I am so good, sweet, and loving, that I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to start a life with me. All the feedback that I ever got from any of the guys I've dated was that I'm "too nice." Or, "I'm too good for them, and they aren't good enough for me." So now I'm trying to reinvent myself to fix what they see as a problem, if that's what the problem is. If it's really about my weight, then that is one thing. But no one has ever told me to my face that it's about the weight. It's always been that I'm too nice. Or, that I wanted a real relationship and they didn't.
I went to the doctors last night for a check-up for my meds, and everything is working fine. She was a little worried about my blood pressure, as it was high, but I think that's because I was so nervous. I really have to talk for awhile and calm down, like last time, before my blood pressure comes to normal. So I have to go back after my vacation so she can monitor it. Oh fun! She also advised watching my salt intake. I think the lean cuisines I have for lunch are high in sodium, so that may be adding to it. I will get it under control.
I had a good cry on my drive in to work. It feels good to cry sometimes. I really think I'm facing the reality that I'm an adult now, and I have to execute the plan I've always had. In my head, my 20s was supposed to be about starting my career, building a foundation, and finding a mate. I was supposed to enter my 30s married and spending a few years traveling with my husband, living in an awesome house, before deciding to have children. Raising the children in my 30s and 40s, and then sending them off to college in my 50s. The 60s on was supposed to be about family, marriages, traveling, grand kids, and living my life with my husband. But I'm behind schedule. And if I want that life I just laid out, I have to face the very real possibility that I may have to do all of that on my own. There is nothing wrong with that, but it scares me. So I'm mourning the idea of what I thought was supposed to be so perfect, and trying to get to acceptance of reality. And it pisses me off. I feel like a pouty child who got their favorite toy taken away.
I see these shows like Jersey housewives, Bridezilla, and I wonder how those women get to have wonderful husbands. I wonder how they get to find their mates, and why I haven't. And yes, I don't want to be like those women, and I don't admire them, but I'm trying to compare how someone like that gets to live the fantasy life, and I don't. Not to be conceited, but I am so good, sweet, and loving, that I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to start a life with me. All the feedback that I ever got from any of the guys I've dated was that I'm "too nice." Or, "I'm too good for them, and they aren't good enough for me." So now I'm trying to reinvent myself to fix what they see as a problem, if that's what the problem is. If it's really about my weight, then that is one thing. But no one has ever told me to my face that it's about the weight. It's always been that I'm too nice. Or, that I wanted a real relationship and they didn't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
