counting down to vacation!

Two more sleeps until I leave for Miami! I can't wait! I need a vacation.

I went to the doctors last night for a check-up for my meds, and everything is working fine. She was a little worried about my blood pressure, as it was high, but I think that's because I was so nervous. I really have to talk for awhile and calm down, like last time, before my blood pressure comes to normal. So I have to go back after my vacation so she can monitor it. Oh fun! She also advised watching my salt intake. I think the lean cuisines I have for lunch are high in sodium, so that may be adding to it. I will get it under control.

I had a good cry on my drive in to work. It feels good to cry sometimes. I really think I'm facing the reality that I'm an adult now, and I have to execute the plan I've always had. In my head, my 20s was supposed to be about starting my career, building a foundation, and finding a mate. I was supposed to enter my 30s married and spending a few years traveling with my husband, living in an awesome house, before deciding to have children. Raising the children in my 30s and 40s, and then sending them off to college in my 50s. The 60s on was supposed to be about family, marriages, traveling, grand kids, and living my life with my husband. But I'm behind schedule. And if I want that life I just laid out, I have to face the very real possibility that I may have to do all of that on my own. There is nothing wrong with that, but it scares me. So I'm mourning the idea of what I thought was supposed to be so perfect, and trying to get to acceptance of reality. And it pisses me off. I feel like a pouty child who got their favorite toy taken away.

I see these shows like Jersey housewives, Bridezilla, and I wonder how those women get to have wonderful husbands. I wonder how they get to find their mates, and why I haven't. And yes, I don't want to be like those women, and I don't admire them, but I'm trying to compare how someone like that gets to live the fantasy life, and I don't. Not to be conceited, but I am so good, sweet, and loving, that I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to start a life with me. All the feedback that I ever got from any of the guys I've dated was that I'm "too nice." Or, "I'm too good for them, and they aren't good enough for me." So now I'm trying to reinvent myself to fix what they see as a problem, if that's what the problem is. If it's really about my weight, then that is one thing. But no one has ever told me to my face that it's about the weight. It's always been that I'm too nice. Or, that I wanted a real relationship and they didn't.