Can't...

Why is it that when something it taken away, you crave it? And you don't really notice it before? We don't have water in our building today at work, and now that we can't use the bathroom, I have to pee. I wasn't even thinking about it until I got a notice in my email that we aren't to use the restrooms or the sinks. I used to have this same problem during Lent and not eating meat on Fridays. I never wanted meat until I couldn't have it. I used to crave cheeseburgers during Lent on Fridays, and think I was just going to die begin a vegetarian for the day. I've grown out of that, but it was so drastic as a kid.

At therapy last night we talked more about me being assertive and detached. Detachment in the sense of not really caring about what people think about me. She was making a lot of sense... here's the bottom line. I care about what people think, thus I feel responsible to act as I think they want me to act, thus I'm never fully authentic with them, thus I end up hiding part of who I am so they won't judge me, thus I have superficial relationships that stress me out and make me resentful because they don't seem "real" to me. I think that's why when I find someone that I can actually feel "real" with, I'm loyal, affection, and don't want to lose them ever.

It takes a lot for me to trust people... I usually end up dealing with their issues, getting to know the heart of them, and for some reason they think they know me, but they never really do. A lot of people think that I'm not covert at all, but there is a lot going on in my head that most wouldn't know how to deal with, or want to deal with. I don't mean that the thoughts are scary, but the way my brain thinks and analysis, the depth of intelligence would be frightening. I used to share this type of relationship with my friend Jen from high school. She and I would play "Dr. J and Dr. A" and psychoanalysis everything. We would out-do each other, trying to find patterns in behavior and logical jumps in dialog to make associations and connections for people's behavior. We rarely did that around other people, but it was fun for us. I have found that type of relationship with my cohort members in school... I feel intellectually stimulated again, which is refreshing. I'm starting to open and share with a few of them, and it has been so rewarding for me. I finally feel connected and accepted, and not that I have to hide.

I have a few friends that I feel that connection with, that I can be my total self with, and it is so rewarding. I love them!