tolerations and annoyances

I've been thinking more and more about my tolerations that I reviewed with my coach, and trying to write a plan to overcome some of them. Again, a toleration is something you are letting fester, that is possibly causing you to lose energy around, when life would be so much easier if it was just let go or resolved.

I didn't have many on the list, as again my focus usually is to take care of it so things don't fester. However, my list of annoyances is a little longer. I don't know if I would call them full-out annoyances, but they are things that make me shake my head and wonder why people do dumb things and can't be true to themselves, or others.

But the more I think about it, I'm annoyed because I had an expectation from that person that wasn't met. This is something that the NTL discusses a lot and I'm looking forward to hearing more about this through my grad program. But basically, people need to own their behavior, and if I'm not happy with it, then that's my problem, not theirs. And, the hardest part, if I can't live with the behavior, then I need to dissociate myself from it, so I won't be bothered any longer.

The question becomes, "Is this worth getting annoyed over?" I gave my ex an example back when we had our break-up discussion, of why I was tolerating and accommodating so much. The example was my pillow. I had given him a house-warming present of a bedroom set, including a 4 poster king size bed. I usually slept over one, sometimes two nights, on the weekend. My ex only slept with one memory foam pillow, and when I wasn't there my two pillows were "in the way" and were removed off the bed. (Again, this is a huge king size bed, which you would think could accommodate 3 pillows - but apparently not.) I'd come over, and we'd go out, be drinking, and then be very sleepy when it was time for bed. And, normally, I would then have to go searching for my pillows. Sometimes they were stuck under the bed, sometimes they were buried beneath his clothes, sometimes they were in the closet, sometimes in the spare bedroom, but everywhere except on the bed waiting for me. He would never really know where they were.

Now, part of me, was always annoyed because that's not how I operate. If he was coming over to spend the night, not only would I change the sheets, but I'd also make sure all of his "stuff" was right where he could find it, and be at home and comfortable. I've even, when stopping over to check his house while he was away, made and turned down his bed and laid out his comfy clothes so he would just have to come home and take a shower and relax after a long trip - yes, I'm that kind of woman.

I'd get annoyed because the same sort of thing wasn't happening for me. But, like I told him, I'd get annoyed, and then think, "Amy, it's just a stupid pillow. Is the world going to end because your pillow isn't on the bed? That is the dumbest thing in the world to be annoyed over." Then I would just let it go... and never say anything. I went on to explain that he was right, he was neglecting me, but I would just let it go because I thought I was just being a hysterical woman and those things were dumb to be upset over.

I searched for my pillow for 1 year and 9 months. And I had talked myself into believing that once we moved on in our relationship, and were living together, I would never have to search for my pillow again. But then, I'm sure, in hindsight, it would have been something else that was missing that I'd be looking for - trying to not be annoyed about it.

So, I'm resolving to myself to speak-up and make the dissociations earlier. I don't need nor want drama anymore.

Another annoyance I have in relationships is the game playing. I remember telling a friend that I fell for my ex so hard because it was so easy. He said he liked me, I said I liked him, we went to dinner, and thus it began. We never played the "I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like... etc - now I'm going to make you work for attention, now I'm going to wait 4 days to email/call you back so you don't think I'm too interested, but I really am, but I don't want to give you power by telling you that" games. If a person is really interested, they would have your best interests at heart, and wouldn't hurt you by playing mind-tricks on you.

I shouldn't have to go to my friends and analyze everything the guy said to me, for some sort of hidden meaning to interrupt how he feels about me. I'm also over the mixed signals... we aren't in 10th grade anymore people!

Anyway... enough ranting... I'm done.