nostalgia bites...

I've been trying to figure out the different cycles that I'm going through while healing from the breakup, and why they happen. I love to ask why, even if there isn't a definite answer, but it helps me to put things into perspective.

I know at first I was shocked, and all I could do was cry. Then there was hurt, followed by anger, but I wasn't expecting the nostalgic phase. I figured I would see things that would remind me of my ex, and think about it, but not about other men in my life from before.

I think my "hot" feelings that I was having for a past interest stemmed from that. Wondering what would have happened if a chain of events didn't go into action. How would my life be different now, and where would I be? I think he is a great person to have those feelings about, because he really taught me a lot about myself, and my needs. He will always have a place in my heart because of those reasons, and that place is unconditional. I wonder if he thinks about what it would have been like too? Sometimes I think that he touched my life, and he meant more to me, than I ever will to him.

To be honest, I a put up a brave front, but I'm still really sad about everything. I had to go to Columbia today for the service awards, and that entire section of town is ripe with memories of our time together. I try to push them away, but they keep circling back to me. He had some relationship issues, but in all honesty, he was a pretty great boyfriend in the beginning. Yeah, he started to pull away from me, but it still hurts that he wasn't willing to love me more than he loves himself. This is the first time my heart has been broken like this. Like I mention in my "about me", I'm a late bloomer. My past break-ups weren't that serious, so it was easier for me.

My one cousin asked if I would take him back. And to be honest, I don't know. I do know that a lot of things would have to change, but I can't help but feel that he really doesn't know what a relationship should be like. I gave him so much freedom, and I trusted him completely, and he never betrayed me. I was okay with him putting his career first, and I encouraged him to do that. I was happy and secure in knowing that no matter what happened, where he traveled, or where grad school was going to lead me, we'd be in it together.

Not long ago, he applied for a job offer in Australia. I distinctly remember our emails discussing this while we were at work, and he was adamant that this decision be "ours" because he wanted me to be happy too. He didn't want to go if I wasn't going to be happy. I told him to go. That we would work it out, and a year or two down the road, if it became permanent, we'd talk about us moving there. We talked about moving to New York, if he was going to change careers and go into finance. There were just so many "plans" but the constant was that we were always doing them together. I mean, this is the year we were going to travel abroad together instead of state-side, as he couldn't wait for me to get my passport and show me the world.

I look at other people in similar situations, and I think that I'm better off then they are. At least I wasn't married and this happened. I don't think that it's my ego that took a blow. Because I know that I'm a great girlfriend, and I'm a top-notch friend, and I'm doable. It's just the reminiscing of everything that was "supposed" to happen that makes me sad.

I hear what he said, meaning I've internalized it and accepted it as fact. But I just don't understand how things spiraled out of control so quickly.

Yet, I don't need that shit. I deserve someone who is going to go out of their way to love me, for me.