putting others first...

Last night I went out to my friend Ryan's step-dad's property along the Gunpowder River for a cook-out and bonfire. And, as always, I had lots of laughs and a good time all around. Going into our 29th year (our birthdays are 9 days a part), he and I have been friends for 23 years. I think we have been friends longer than most people are married... he's more than a friend, he's like a brother.

I was talking to his girlfriend Heather last night about the breakup, as Ryan had shared the news with all of them, and she hit home with an excellent point. Which was that I shouldn't have accepted not being put first in the relationship. I have to agree with her.

I've always wanted a relationship where the person was "whole" and didn't need me - they wanted me. Meaning I wasn't there to be their mother, life coach, cheering section, or fill some other void that they couldn't complete on their own. I've always been proud of myself in the aspect that I can make myself happy, and meet my own needs. In my humble opinion, relationships that rely on need are borderline abusive, as one party is giving all the power of self-happiness away.

I can be a child with the best of them, but I want a very real and mature relationship. I've honored my title as "brat," but I'm also the type that's "in it to win it." All joking aside, I'm a 29 year old woman, not a little girl. And, when it comes down to it, unless I'm being playful, my partner is going to contend with a mature career woman, who has her head and priorities on straight.

However, that doesn't mean that I don't want someone to be encouraging, loving, and a partner. Relationships aren't a business arrangement, but sometimes it's easier for me to explain in my head what type of relationship I want by using that analogy. In business, partners work through all the hardships, highs/lows, and wins together. If an issue arises, they solve it together. Then, they reap the rewards together as well. They have everything invested in the business deal, and they go to amazing lengths to make it work. I want someone who is that invested in my relationship with them.

As Heather and I were talking, we both had to agree, that we couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who isn't an equal partner and contributor. It's funny, the last few months that my ex and I were together, I felt that there was something "not right". And I was trying to put my finger on it. One day, in the shower, it came to me. I want a relationship with someone who can be my "emergency contact." So, I tried to build that feeling with him again. I instituted the "date night" policy, where we would take turns planning dates for each other. I think I was assuming that if we were doing loving things for each other, we could get through the rough patch. Nothing energized him anymore, he claimed, so I was trying to give him things to have energy around. Well... it didn't work, but at least I tried.

Thinking more about the "emergency contact" concept, I want someone that I can call when I'm stranded on the side of the road. Not to come fix the car, or solve the problem, but someone who will come stand on the side of the road with me and wait for AAA, or at least talk to me on the phone while I waited. Or, if God forbid, I was in an accident, would drop everything and run to the hospital to hold my hand. I always kinda felt with my ex that he'd only do those things if it didn't interfere with a client meeting, his nap schedule, or Call of Duty 4. He'd eventually come, but I'd get attitude. I don't know if those things are true or not, as I never had to test it, but that's always the impression I got.

I, on the other hand, would drop everything to meet that need. Hell, I even followed my friend Ryan into the men's room to help bandage his head when a carnival ride belt came off back when we were in college. He was outraged and was trying to hide my eyes, but I was too worried he had a concussion.

I know those men are out there. My girlfriends are married to some of them. I don't need rescuing, but I would prefer someone who gave a damn. And, just to set the record straight, I don't think wanting someone who cares makes me high maintenance.