Indecision

I'm having another episode where I am paralyzed by indecision. I'm in the process of thinking it through, and I'm trying to understand how I got myself here once again.

Here's the deal... if everything was right and perfect in the world right now: I would leave work Friday afternoon and drive to NJ to spend the weekend with my boyfriend, leaving early Sunday morning to come back in order to teach Confirmation class. We will spend much needed alone time together on Friday and Saturday, and then go to game night on Saturday night. I haven't been in over a month up to see him and his family, since the weather has been bad and I was away. He came to pick me up at the airport so I saw him last weekend.

Here's the issue:
THERE'S ANOTHER FREAKING SNOW STORM COMING!
This time it is supposed to hit NJ hard, and we aren't supposed to get that much here. My coworkers are trying to talk me into leaving tonight, faking sick at work so I would actually leave before it starts bad, and get snowed in with him, faking sick tomorrow too.

But here are all the dependent factors that I am allowing to control me right now, and are making me crazy:

• I was gone for 2 weeks, which my boss did not like because we are in the middle of a huge project.
• Now that I am back, my team is relying on me to take some of the pressure off of them from my boss.
• If I leave tonight, I may get stuck in NJ with the weather, if they close down the state like they did to Maryland where no one can drive. This means that I would have to continue the lie to my boss that I'm "sick" because I couldn't tell her that now I'm stuck in NJ.
• If I miss 3 days of work in a row (sick days) I need a doctor's note to come back. I'm not sick, I'm faking.
• I now have a meeting scheduled with one coworker tomorrow after the staff meeting to begin our part of the project so that get's underway.
• I have a deliverable on Monday that is due because my boss needs to send it to the graphic designer. I should have it finished by this afternoon... however, if there is anything wrong with it, I need to be available to make changes. If I'm stuck in NJ, I won't be able to make changes. This will set-off her temper, and she will take it out on other people of the staff. They already are feeling abused, and I'm afraid that a mutiny would occur.
• My mother does not want me to drive in the snow tonight, or any snow for that matter. She thinks it is unsafe and I am being reckless if I do that. The guilt trip I would get from her would be painful, if I went when it was snowing.
• I would also get a guilt trip from her, if we get bad snow, that I wasn't here to help her dig out. Since I seemed to miss the last big storm, she was stuck in the house with no one to help her. Never mind that the nice people from the church came to dig her out... but you know how my mother is.
• If I ask for the day off tomorrow, the guilt trip I would get from my boss would be as painful. She does not want any of us to take off, and she is grudgingly accepting that I have to take 1 day a month off for school. I already missed 2 weeks this month for school... never mind that I have 4 weeks of vacation just sitting there, plus the bonus week on her she gave us - 5 weeks. What happened to work-life balance? Did I mention the almost 300 hours of sick time that I have, because I never call in sick?
• I opened my mouth and mentioned to Johnny that I was thinking of playing sick, now he's encouraging me to do it, and if I don't, I think he'll be disappointed. I don't want to disappoint him. He's thinking of calling in sick to work too tomorrow, just because he needs a break.
• I also have a 12-15 page paper that is due on March 7th. If I get stuck in NJ all that time, if the snow is really bad, then that is going to put me behind, and only give me 3 days to work on it. I want my weekends free to spend with John. Also, we were already told that we cannot take an extension on this paper. Its not really hard, its just finding the time.
• I also really want to go to yoga tonight. Its the first class of the new session.
• None of my clothes or stuff is together to leave tonight, and by the time I get it together, leaving after work, the storm would have already started badly up there.
• It started snowing here a few minutes ago when I went to the bank.
• If I'm not here on Sunday, stuck in NJ, then I would need to call Kathy and have someone substitute for my class. I only teach 6 classes a year, so that seems kind of shitty of me not to be able to fulfil my obligations.

So the question to ask is... f*ck all of them, what do you want, Amy? Well, I want to leave work now, go to Johnny's and find myself wrapped in his arms all weekend, not caring who is snowed in where or what is due and when things are due and just live for me for a bit.

But we know that I don't operate like that. I'd feel horrible leaving my boss, team, mom, and Kathy in the lurch. The guilt would eat me up, and I'd feel in the dog house. This guilt complex I carry around is too much. But I don't know how to stop it. I need to take lessons.

So, what I've decided to do, is wait for the storm to end, Friday, and see what its like on Saturday morning... going up for one night is better than going up not at all.

Use I Statements

Often times it is easier for me to become detached if I use the royal "we" or refer to my experience at the group level, opposed to the individual. I don't have to be responsible then, and I won't feel bad for hurting someone's feelings. I take ownership in that, and am willing to work on it.

On the other hand, I don't like it when other people speak up for me. I prefer to speak on my own. My coworker gave me interesting feedback when she was listening to my account of what Bermuda was like. I apparently had the power on my small team and the competence, but for whatever reason my teammates wanted to fight authority and power; but they didn't have the competence for back it up.

This is partly why instead of the body of work being closed for Bermuda, my team is writing recommendations and a plan for them now... two things my team fought me on when I recommended them earlier. The phrase of "I told you so" played out for me again. And she used the royal "we" to excuse why the directions were not followed. She needs to make I statements and say why she didn't want to follow directions. I never want to work in that team of people again. They are trying to suck me into a conference call this evening, but I am being very directive about the time I have available. I don't want to go through this painful experience again with them.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a lot swimming around in my mind and energy traveling up and down my limbs. I got out of bed and decided to dance in place in order to burn some of the energy. It was great fun! One can only imagine what I looked like, dancing in the dark, to no music, at 3am... hehe

Back from Bermuda

Well, that was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again.

I'm still spitting mad from the work with my team, and the lack 0f self awareness. I'm justified in the fact that I was right all along, and now they are apologizing to me for not listening. I spent more time doing interventions with my team, then I did with the client. And now, our lead professor is letting us know that we have to follow up with an action plan (what my team fought me on) and have it done by Wednesday. HELLO!

There's a lot more detail then that, but lets just say, it would take too many years to explain everything that happened in that weak with the client.

I'm home now, that is all that matters.

Blizzard Coming

So, I'm at work this morning. Actually I was at work until almost 8pm last night, which caused me to miss yoga class. I really wanted to take yoga before I left for Bermuda, but it looks like its not going to happen.

When my boss wants something done right, she wants it done now. She gets totally energized by being the only people in the building, working on a last minute project. Me... not so much. I marched back to my desk, leaving the meeting early, and fixed everything I was supposed to fix, and marched it right back into them. Jim, the consultant, has a meeting with the VP today at 11:30am, and she wants to make sure he has all the information. It makes no sense... the 3 of us have to explain it to her, she explains it to Jim, and then Jim explains it to Joy. Why can't we just meet with Joy - it will be easier and make more sense coming from us. But no, we have to spend time in 6 hour meetings making sure they understand it enough in order to explain it to someone else. And they usually get it wrong... but since that's what they told Joy, we have to re-design to match what they told her. And they call our department Organizational Effectiveness? Ummm... yeah. The irony rarely escapes me.

Hopefully we can leave after our meeting this morning... we aren't essential employees... there aren't "training or organizational" emergencies. Or emergency coaching sessions that we do. I'm salary, technically I worked my hour, so I can roll out and get paid for the entire day... but that's bad form.

I just can't wait until I am in Bermuda and away from all of this for awhile. I'll be working all weekend to finish my section of the training, it needs to be done by Monday, because I'm out for 2 weeks, and the training is due March 1. I really don't care at this point... perfection is an illusion, but they haven't learned that yet.

Busy Busy Busy

I learned that I need to bitch about something before I can actually do it. From that perspective, you would think I'm a "J," as "Js" are adverse to last minute changes in plans, but that isn't so. I just need to think it through out loud before I can start working on it.

So I have to get everything ready for my trip on Tuesday to Bermuda. I have some clothes picked out, but I have to pack my business suits too... I'm wondering how many suitcases I need to take. I'm there for 12 days, and I need 6 business suits and 6 business casual outfits, plus play clothes. There is an iron and such in the room, or at least I think there is, I have to check that too. I also have to bring some text books, materials for meeting with clients, and money. Plus all of my bath stuff.... I need to go to the bank too and get more money.

This 2-4 feet of snow they are calling for is putting a damper on my weekend, because instead of being out and doing some last minute errands, I'll be stuck in the house. I dug my suitcases out of the back shed last night, so its just a matter of seeing if everything can go into one, or not. If not, I'm taking 2 huge suitcases. I hate bringing 2 large suitcases, because I get the eyeroll of "women travelers" and it looks really extra bad when other women in my cohort can get away with just 1 suitcase. My mom is pushing for two, because she doesn't want them to be overweight, which is a good point, but I may end up taking one really big one, and one smaller one. who knows!

I also have to get all of my training design for two modules done by Monday. But I won't know the final version of what that should look like until 6pm tonight. Thank God I have yoga tonight to relax me. But I'm probably going to be working on that all day tomorrow and then again on Monday. Maybe over the weekend too if I need that extra time. I just keep getting interrupted at work to check in with other people and give them my feedback on their work.

Then I have a conference call with my teammates to review what we should be reading this weekend before the trip, and going over the brochure I designed for us. I have to make those last minute changes and then get it printed on good paper at Kinkos. We need 12 copies. I might have to delegate that to someone else... hehe

And on top of all of this, I really wanted to spend the weekend in NJ with John, but it looks like I'm not going to be able to if we get 2-4 feet of snow! I won't see him for 3 weeks, which kinda sucks, but then again, we keep in touch via email while I'm out of the country. Hopefully my flight isn't cancelled on Tuesday because of the weather.... that would just OVERLY SUCK.

Okay.. enough hashing it out.... onward to work!

Beautiful

It is so beautiful outside, with the snow stuck to the trees, and a white crispness in the air. However it is already starting to melt and turn slushy, so that's not a lot of fun. I wanted to stay in bed for a bit longer this morning, which I did, but I got motivated and came to work. I almost got sucked into an episode of Maury Povich - I wanted to know who the Baby Daddy is, but I left instead. I don't need to get another bad habit! hehehe

Last night my PC finally decided to die. There were a few different viruses on it that I couldn't remove, which just chomped at the speed in which it moved, so I had to setup my new laptop last night. It was the craziest thing, the computer would turn on, but it wouldn't send a signal to the monitor. I checked all the wiring, unplugged everything and put it back together, but it wouldn't work. Luckily I had backed everything up awhile ago... I just need to go to Picasa and pull down my pictures and save them to my external hard drive.

This is why Murphy's Law follows me around... a perfect example. So my PC was working fine on Monday night, I was online chatting with my boyfriend and his brother via facebook, playing scrabble, and just surfing the internet when I should have been working on the brochure for the Bermuda trip. Normally I would do it at work (the brochure), but my teammates want me to use Publisher (well, one is pushing for it since she knows that program) and since I'm using the loaner laptop at work, it doesn't have publisher on it. My PC had publisher on it, thus why I was on it Monday night. But I told the team I would have it to them late Tuesday night, because I figured I'd come straight home from work on Tuesday and work on it. I thought I had plenty of time! I came home, walked a 15 minute mile, then decided to get motivated on the brochure. My PC wouldn't boot up. After that went on for awhile, I decided to switch out my PC for my new laptop and router that I haven't installed yet. I figured that would take me 2-shakes of a tail feather, I would just need to install Office, and be done. Well.... this version of Office didn't have publisher... and I was trying to get online to contact my team to tell them the brochure was going to be late, but I couldn't get my router installed, nor would the direct connection to the laptop with the network cable from the modem work either. I had to call comcast, talked to two people there, and they finally had me call Netgear for direction... he told me the settings I needed to use, because the install CD wouldn't work because I have Windows 7 and the install CD was not configured to use it. Meanwhile, I wanted to have all of this done for 8pm, because the show I've been waiting for all summer and winter, LOST, was coming back on for the final season. Needless to say, I missed the first episode (it was just a re-run), only caught the tail-end of the second brand-new one that came after it, and was finally able to sit down and watch the third episode that came on. This is why I try not to test fate and I live by the law all the time, because my luck isn't that good. I always make the best of it, and its a learning experience, but things like that always happen to me. LOL!

Awesome Snowy Weekend

Well, all of my weekend plans were cancelled due to the snow, but I had an awesome snowy weekend with Johnny anyway. We stayed in, watched some TV and movies, did a puzzle, cuddled, took some silly pictures, and just enjoyed each other's company. He truly is a really really sweet guy. He even had a tear in his eye at one point when he was telling me how much he cared about me - I love him! hehe He's ready for a relationship, and he treats me so well.

I'm spending this week packing and getting ready for Bermuda next week! Hopefully it doesn't snow this coming weekend, because I really want to go to NJ and spend time with Johnny before going away for 2 weeks. My fingers are crossed!