Indecision

I'm having another episode where I am paralyzed by indecision. I'm in the process of thinking it through, and I'm trying to understand how I got myself here once again.

Here's the deal... if everything was right and perfect in the world right now: I would leave work Friday afternoon and drive to NJ to spend the weekend with my boyfriend, leaving early Sunday morning to come back in order to teach Confirmation class. We will spend much needed alone time together on Friday and Saturday, and then go to game night on Saturday night. I haven't been in over a month up to see him and his family, since the weather has been bad and I was away. He came to pick me up at the airport so I saw him last weekend.

Here's the issue:
THERE'S ANOTHER FREAKING SNOW STORM COMING!
This time it is supposed to hit NJ hard, and we aren't supposed to get that much here. My coworkers are trying to talk me into leaving tonight, faking sick at work so I would actually leave before it starts bad, and get snowed in with him, faking sick tomorrow too.

But here are all the dependent factors that I am allowing to control me right now, and are making me crazy:

• I was gone for 2 weeks, which my boss did not like because we are in the middle of a huge project.
• Now that I am back, my team is relying on me to take some of the pressure off of them from my boss.
• If I leave tonight, I may get stuck in NJ with the weather, if they close down the state like they did to Maryland where no one can drive. This means that I would have to continue the lie to my boss that I'm "sick" because I couldn't tell her that now I'm stuck in NJ.
• If I miss 3 days of work in a row (sick days) I need a doctor's note to come back. I'm not sick, I'm faking.
• I now have a meeting scheduled with one coworker tomorrow after the staff meeting to begin our part of the project so that get's underway.
• I have a deliverable on Monday that is due because my boss needs to send it to the graphic designer. I should have it finished by this afternoon... however, if there is anything wrong with it, I need to be available to make changes. If I'm stuck in NJ, I won't be able to make changes. This will set-off her temper, and she will take it out on other people of the staff. They already are feeling abused, and I'm afraid that a mutiny would occur.
• My mother does not want me to drive in the snow tonight, or any snow for that matter. She thinks it is unsafe and I am being reckless if I do that. The guilt trip I would get from her would be painful, if I went when it was snowing.
• I would also get a guilt trip from her, if we get bad snow, that I wasn't here to help her dig out. Since I seemed to miss the last big storm, she was stuck in the house with no one to help her. Never mind that the nice people from the church came to dig her out... but you know how my mother is.
• If I ask for the day off tomorrow, the guilt trip I would get from my boss would be as painful. She does not want any of us to take off, and she is grudgingly accepting that I have to take 1 day a month off for school. I already missed 2 weeks this month for school... never mind that I have 4 weeks of vacation just sitting there, plus the bonus week on her she gave us - 5 weeks. What happened to work-life balance? Did I mention the almost 300 hours of sick time that I have, because I never call in sick?
• I opened my mouth and mentioned to Johnny that I was thinking of playing sick, now he's encouraging me to do it, and if I don't, I think he'll be disappointed. I don't want to disappoint him. He's thinking of calling in sick to work too tomorrow, just because he needs a break.
• I also have a 12-15 page paper that is due on March 7th. If I get stuck in NJ all that time, if the snow is really bad, then that is going to put me behind, and only give me 3 days to work on it. I want my weekends free to spend with John. Also, we were already told that we cannot take an extension on this paper. Its not really hard, its just finding the time.
• I also really want to go to yoga tonight. Its the first class of the new session.
• None of my clothes or stuff is together to leave tonight, and by the time I get it together, leaving after work, the storm would have already started badly up there.
• It started snowing here a few minutes ago when I went to the bank.
• If I'm not here on Sunday, stuck in NJ, then I would need to call Kathy and have someone substitute for my class. I only teach 6 classes a year, so that seems kind of shitty of me not to be able to fulfil my obligations.

So the question to ask is... f*ck all of them, what do you want, Amy? Well, I want to leave work now, go to Johnny's and find myself wrapped in his arms all weekend, not caring who is snowed in where or what is due and when things are due and just live for me for a bit.

But we know that I don't operate like that. I'd feel horrible leaving my boss, team, mom, and Kathy in the lurch. The guilt would eat me up, and I'd feel in the dog house. This guilt complex I carry around is too much. But I don't know how to stop it. I need to take lessons.

So, what I've decided to do, is wait for the storm to end, Friday, and see what its like on Saturday morning... going up for one night is better than going up not at all.