No, I'm not singing the song, but I do feel like I'm living the crazy life. For some reason going to the Use of Self Class, turning 30, and now reading all of this stuff for Group Dynamics class this weekend had an interesting effect on me. I've started to question everything I am, and mourn some things that I didn't realize where that important. And just when I start to do that, I snap myself out of it, because I don't think I should be having those mournful sad thoughts.
I started meditating with some podcasts that I found online. The Sterns (no, not Howard) have a good variety that is really relaxing. They use bi-something or another beats, which are deeper tones that enhance relaxation through the brain waves. The meditations are guided, and they really help me relax and focus. I did their "Transformational Breath Healing - Part 1" last night - and it was an INTENSE experience. I hated every minute of it, but I can't wait to do it again.
Most would think it's a bunch of hogwash, but after doing the exercise, and experiencing intense emotions as I did it, I did more research about it. Judith Kravitz (I think that's her name) is the woman who did most of the research and founded a society that teaches people how to do it, and offers workshops. There's a video on her website that explains and shows more detail of what the experience looks like. Basically it's a breathing cleanse - in the sense of any pent up emotions that have been buried and living in your subconscious come up and out during the breathing.
The breath is almost like a pant, and the Sterns demonstrate that when listening to the podcast. But as I continuously did this exercise, I started to feel a variety of things. Light-headedness is natural, and I didn't pass out. But, I started to feel incredibly cold sensations all over my body, I got chills, and then I started to feel anxiety, anger, and sadness. I kept focusing on my breathing to help me work through it, and even though my body wanted to cry - as I focused on the breathing the tears actually didn't come. My arms started waving at one point, and I kept putting my hands through my hair. It was INSANE, as I just impulsively did these actions. When watching the video, those folks going through this have incredible physical reactions - kicking their feet, crying, screaming - and it's compulsive.
I felt so much better afterwards - like I've let so much go. I feel so happy and connected now, something I haven't felt in a while. I put my new necklace on this morning from my coworker - it says, "Live the life you love, love the life you live." I'm starting to feel ALIVE again! THANK GOD!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunny weather
I didn't have to build the ark after all, as the sun finally came out this weekend - Little Orphan Annie was right! Breaking into song on a blog is just not the same thing as singing out loud.
I took my mom flower shopping for Mother's Day, and after paying a whole lot for very little at Home Depot, we found a nursery on Vincent Farm Road that is a wholesaler. They sell to larger retailers, but also have an open hot-house for personal sales. We got a heck of a lot flowers for cheap! However, I am even more convinced that I have mild allergy to some of them, as the sneezing started soon after on the car ride home. Even sitting on the deck surrounded by them (they haven't been planted yet) was itching my nose. Interesting how the body changes as we get older. But maybe this is why I also seemed to have a spring cold - it was allergies!
I finished my paper and sent it off on Friday, and now I've been a reading maven! I've read 1 book, 3 articles, 1 intro, and an entire chapter in another book this weekend. I have 1 article to summarize and share with my cohort, and then about 11 other articles to read, and one more chapter. I'm feel more secure about getting the work done than I did last week when I was stressing after seeing the syllabus.
On even more fun news, my friend is back in town! WOOO HOO! And I'll get to see him sometime this weekend. We get to act like people who haven't seen each other in two months, and there's rumor that he has a birthday present for me. Although he won't give me hints... I like hints. Oh well! Yay!
I took my mom flower shopping for Mother's Day, and after paying a whole lot for very little at Home Depot, we found a nursery on Vincent Farm Road that is a wholesaler. They sell to larger retailers, but also have an open hot-house for personal sales. We got a heck of a lot flowers for cheap! However, I am even more convinced that I have mild allergy to some of them, as the sneezing started soon after on the car ride home. Even sitting on the deck surrounded by them (they haven't been planted yet) was itching my nose. Interesting how the body changes as we get older. But maybe this is why I also seemed to have a spring cold - it was allergies!
I finished my paper and sent it off on Friday, and now I've been a reading maven! I've read 1 book, 3 articles, 1 intro, and an entire chapter in another book this weekend. I have 1 article to summarize and share with my cohort, and then about 11 other articles to read, and one more chapter. I'm feel more secure about getting the work done than I did last week when I was stressing after seeing the syllabus.
On even more fun news, my friend is back in town! WOOO HOO! And I'll get to see him sometime this weekend. We get to act like people who haven't seen each other in two months, and there's rumor that he has a birthday present for me. Although he won't give me hints... I like hints. Oh well! Yay!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Stirring the brownie mix
I was able to relax most of my joints yesterday evening after doing some yoga on the mat at the gym. I felt great! But then I went home and worked on my paper, got tense from the position that I was sitting in, and all of the wonderful yumminess went away.
After getting ready for bed, while in the bathroom, I decided to do some of the bodywork movements that we were taught when in Bethel with Janet. She's a really cool eccentric lady, so I started repeating some of her phrases. I was telling myself to "move with the flow, feel the flow, stirring the brownie bowl" while twisting, weaving, and moving my body in ways that felt good and natural. I caught myself in the mirror and it was surprising how sensual my natural movements are when not trying to control them.
I then decided that this is one of those hidden camera moments where if someone saw me doing this, they'd probably have me locked away! But I was having a good old time! LOL
Anyway...
Today is my longest known and dearest friend's birthday - Happy 30th Ryan! He's my brother from another mother, and I'm glad I was invited to celebrate with him tonight. We're going to eat some yummies and watch the CAPS! I'm wearing my red! :)
After getting ready for bed, while in the bathroom, I decided to do some of the bodywork movements that we were taught when in Bethel with Janet. She's a really cool eccentric lady, so I started repeating some of her phrases. I was telling myself to "move with the flow, feel the flow, stirring the brownie bowl" while twisting, weaving, and moving my body in ways that felt good and natural. I caught myself in the mirror and it was surprising how sensual my natural movements are when not trying to control them.
I then decided that this is one of those hidden camera moments where if someone saw me doing this, they'd probably have me locked away! But I was having a good old time! LOL
Anyway...
Today is my longest known and dearest friend's birthday - Happy 30th Ryan! He's my brother from another mother, and I'm glad I was invited to celebrate with him tonight. We're going to eat some yummies and watch the CAPS! I'm wearing my red! :)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Building an Ark
No, I'm not Noah, but I think he had it right. Especially since Baltimore has been getting serious rain storms since before this past weekend. The thunder last night was amazing! Although I slept through most of it, I did hear it right before I fell asleep.
The paper writing is actually going along much better than I anticipated. I've just asked a classmate to proof my paper, but I should easily be able to hit my midnight due date tomorrow. Woot! Then I have to read 20 gazillion things to prep for next weekend's class. They just gave us the syllabus earlier this week (it was MIA for a long while) and the entire cohort is scrambling to be prepared for it.
The anxiety of it all on Tuesday night gave me what I can only describe as a gallbladder attack in the early morning hours... but I had a wonderful night sleep last night. I think my attacks are stress related, because I only get them when I feel the stress. Usually I'm completely cool, but there has been a lot going on with me internally. I think I might be lonely, I don't have anyone to play with. I'm just going to hold that phrase, because I haven't worked out if that is exactly true or not. Interesting...
The paper writing is actually going along much better than I anticipated. I've just asked a classmate to proof my paper, but I should easily be able to hit my midnight due date tomorrow. Woot! Then I have to read 20 gazillion things to prep for next weekend's class. They just gave us the syllabus earlier this week (it was MIA for a long while) and the entire cohort is scrambling to be prepared for it.
The anxiety of it all on Tuesday night gave me what I can only describe as a gallbladder attack in the early morning hours... but I had a wonderful night sleep last night. I think my attacks are stress related, because I only get them when I feel the stress. Usually I'm completely cool, but there has been a lot going on with me internally. I think I might be lonely, I don't have anyone to play with. I'm just going to hold that phrase, because I haven't worked out if that is exactly true or not. Interesting...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Writing my paper... under protest
For someone like me who likes to think up theories and ponder the reality of the situation, I actually hate writing reflection papers. Well, I hate writing them in APA format, with cited references, justifying every thought carefully. Let me flow, baby, let me flow!
My paper is a reflection on what I learned during my time in Bethel at the Use of Self class. I've been noodling the paper since I got back over a week ago, but I just finally put thoughts to paper last night. I'm 3 pages into a 7-10 limit, and things seem to be going well. I have a lot of written journal entries that I'm weeding through to add richness to the theory.
Three patterns that I saw in myself that week during my experiences were: accommodation, apology, and hiding in the cohort. I'm still searching to determine if accommodation is the correct word, but I am defining it as someone who puts everyone else's needs a head of their own, and defers to others to make happiness abundant. The theme of apology ties into that nicely, as one conclusion I have drawn about my accommodating comes from a strong sense of guilt. My research for my "A Paper" (as it was called in the syllabus) in a previous class discussed children growing up in a guilty household, and one sign of that in adulthood is someone who apologizes all the time. It is ingrained in my speech pattern so strongly that I don't even realize I say it. It's almost my interruption phrase, instead of "excuse me," when I want my opinion heard. "I'm sorry, but..." Or I use it when I want to disagree, or if at any time I interrupt any one's agenda. I got called out on it by Edie Seashore during the class, and I never really heard myself do it until then.
As for hiding in the cohort... I'm not myself in it. I don't know where that is coming from, but I am shy and tentative. In most groups I'm not - especially groups where I have authority and competence. I think it's my own confidence in knowing the material and sharing what I think I'm learning out-loud in the group. I wait to see if my thoughts are in line with the other people before speaking - to make sure that I haven't jumped the track. I'm a very strong iNutitive on MBTI - which means that I can easily see things that other's don't - which has gotten me in trouble in literature classes all my life. Not that this is literature, but when we were always asked for interpretations of stories, mine never matched what most everyone else saw - and rarely what the teacher saw - which got me a B... not an A. I learned to keep quiet and take my cues from the other students in order to improve my grades. Now that I'm back in an educational environment, I'm falling back into that pattern.
Wow... I just wrote out that part of my paper... well, I'll make it fancy of course, but now that I have that theory out, it'll be easier to write. Why do we need to do 7-10 pages, when I just so nicely did it in about 2? CHOICE - CHOICE - CHOICE... that's what we learned strongly up in Bethel, everything is our choice. We choose how we want to feel, we choose our behavior, and we can choose our reactions to situations. I can take everything in and weed out what I don't want... but if I want an A, then I have bullshit for a bunch more pages.
My paper is a reflection on what I learned during my time in Bethel at the Use of Self class. I've been noodling the paper since I got back over a week ago, but I just finally put thoughts to paper last night. I'm 3 pages into a 7-10 limit, and things seem to be going well. I have a lot of written journal entries that I'm weeding through to add richness to the theory.
Three patterns that I saw in myself that week during my experiences were: accommodation, apology, and hiding in the cohort. I'm still searching to determine if accommodation is the correct word, but I am defining it as someone who puts everyone else's needs a head of their own, and defers to others to make happiness abundant. The theme of apology ties into that nicely, as one conclusion I have drawn about my accommodating comes from a strong sense of guilt. My research for my "A Paper" (as it was called in the syllabus) in a previous class discussed children growing up in a guilty household, and one sign of that in adulthood is someone who apologizes all the time. It is ingrained in my speech pattern so strongly that I don't even realize I say it. It's almost my interruption phrase, instead of "excuse me," when I want my opinion heard. "I'm sorry, but..." Or I use it when I want to disagree, or if at any time I interrupt any one's agenda. I got called out on it by Edie Seashore during the class, and I never really heard myself do it until then.
As for hiding in the cohort... I'm not myself in it. I don't know where that is coming from, but I am shy and tentative. In most groups I'm not - especially groups where I have authority and competence. I think it's my own confidence in knowing the material and sharing what I think I'm learning out-loud in the group. I wait to see if my thoughts are in line with the other people before speaking - to make sure that I haven't jumped the track. I'm a very strong iNutitive on MBTI - which means that I can easily see things that other's don't - which has gotten me in trouble in literature classes all my life. Not that this is literature, but when we were always asked for interpretations of stories, mine never matched what most everyone else saw - and rarely what the teacher saw - which got me a B... not an A. I learned to keep quiet and take my cues from the other students in order to improve my grades. Now that I'm back in an educational environment, I'm falling back into that pattern.
Wow... I just wrote out that part of my paper... well, I'll make it fancy of course, but now that I have that theory out, it'll be easier to write. Why do we need to do 7-10 pages, when I just so nicely did it in about 2? CHOICE - CHOICE - CHOICE... that's what we learned strongly up in Bethel, everything is our choice. We choose how we want to feel, we choose our behavior, and we can choose our reactions to situations. I can take everything in and weed out what I don't want... but if I want an A, then I have bullshit for a bunch more pages.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Great Weekend!
So I had a kick-ass birthday party this weekend to celebrate my oldness... I even wore all black as a sign of my mourning! heehehehee I do crack myself up!
But honestly, I had a ton of fun, and was very tipsy in the process. The pictures are up on my picasa site, and here's the link below:
I've been onsight at client locations in the DC area yesterday and today, so I write this from a board room while I'm waiting for my 2pm class to start. I should be writing my paper, but I'm still up in the air about what to write. My classmates are giving me some direction, which is helping. I think I will be focusing on that after the gym tonight.
Tomorrow night I get to go to Yoga! Lori and I are taking a beginners class, and it's much needed!
Ok... back to work
But honestly, I had a ton of fun, and was very tipsy in the process. The pictures are up on my picasa site, and here's the link below:
 |
| Amy's 30th Birthday Party |
I've been onsight at client locations in the DC area yesterday and today, so I write this from a board room while I'm waiting for my 2pm class to start. I should be writing my paper, but I'm still up in the air about what to write. My classmates are giving me some direction, which is helping. I think I will be focusing on that after the gym tonight.
Tomorrow night I get to go to Yoga! Lori and I are taking a beginners class, and it's much needed!
Ok... back to work
Friday, May 1, 2009
Swine Flu...
So I'm upset that my favorite little piggies are the culprit behind this outbreak that's affecting so many lives. Although real pigs are very dirty, but my piggie bank collection is still cute. I've been extra careful not to touch anyone and use extra germ hand solution, but hopefully they will have this under control quickly.
My birthday was a wonderful event - I had so many birthday wishes from everyone, so thank you to everyone who sent them! The cupcakes from Cake Love were amazing... with them it's not so much the cake as the icing. It has so much butter in it that you have to let it sit on the counter for 15mins to begin to melt to get the full gooey flavor of the icing.
Today my coworkers had a cake for me at the staff meeting, so I'm all sugared up and giggling! It's amazing how much sugar has an affect on me, as I don't eat it that often. When I do; one would think I'm almost drunk.
I have a paper to write for my class in Bethel, which I haven't started. I've been noodling it, but nothing has landed on paper yet. I have another week to work on it, which I start today and finish next week. I'm also working on my scarf from the yarn that I got in Bethel at the Alpaca farm. I'm crocheting a cluster stitch, which is beautiful, fluffy and soft with the yarn. I also bought more yarn, as I'm making my friend Sam another scarf. This time it's star trek, and I was fortunate enough to find a pattern for the spaceship and the insignia on ravelry. Yay! I'm thinking I will have it completed in time for his birthday... or at least the fall! hehe :)
I'm looking forward to getting plastered tomorrow night for my birthday. Rock on 30!!!
My birthday was a wonderful event - I had so many birthday wishes from everyone, so thank you to everyone who sent them! The cupcakes from Cake Love were amazing... with them it's not so much the cake as the icing. It has so much butter in it that you have to let it sit on the counter for 15mins to begin to melt to get the full gooey flavor of the icing.
Today my coworkers had a cake for me at the staff meeting, so I'm all sugared up and giggling! It's amazing how much sugar has an affect on me, as I don't eat it that often. When I do; one would think I'm almost drunk.
I have a paper to write for my class in Bethel, which I haven't started. I've been noodling it, but nothing has landed on paper yet. I have another week to work on it, which I start today and finish next week. I'm also working on my scarf from the yarn that I got in Bethel at the Alpaca farm. I'm crocheting a cluster stitch, which is beautiful, fluffy and soft with the yarn. I also bought more yarn, as I'm making my friend Sam another scarf. This time it's star trek, and I was fortunate enough to find a pattern for the spaceship and the insignia on ravelry. Yay! I'm thinking I will have it completed in time for his birthday... or at least the fall! hehe :)
I'm looking forward to getting plastered tomorrow night for my birthday. Rock on 30!!!
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