Sunshine in my Mouth

I have a new song stuck in my head, well, it's really the refrain. I keep hearing it on the radio, and it goes like this, "I'm in love, with my best friend..." I think it's by Colbie Caillat with Jason Mraz doing a duet on that one. I also have another song in my head that I can't get rid of, but I don't know the words enough or the name to look up. Oh Well!

I weighed myself again at the gym yesterday, and I've lost 24.5lbs since I started. My clothes are fitting me differently, but I still haven't really noticed a drastic loss... I guess because it's been spread over the last 6-8 months when I started in September. Where have the 6-8 months gone? It was drastic when I lost the weight last time, as I lost that much in about 2 months on the Atkins diet. I'm keeping that in perspective, as this is the much healthier way to do it.

I actually have a slow day at work today, so I think I'm going to do some more of my reading for class. It's ironic that one of the books we are using is one that my department adopted a year or so ago, and has done some extensive work with. I'm very familiar with the concepts, and now just need to formally read it. It's The Skilled Facilitator.

What I will do for myself today:

Today I am going to the grocery store during lunch time and get fresh tangerine juice. I've heard that it's "Sunshine in your Mouth" and I want to taste it.

So... I eloped

Ha! When I got to Lori's graduation party last night my coworker Jocelyn informed me of the rumor that she and Glenda decided to start because they were bored yesterday. Apparently, because I left early Monday to play tourist with Sam, and then was offsite yesterday (the 2 of them didn't know where I was, but I was in Calverton at a client site all day) - they decided that I eloped to Vegas. I didn't know I was so exciting. LOL

Playing nurse today

The Duck trip was everything I thought it would be, but the driver got to be very annoying after the first 15 minutes. He was too corny, even for me. But it was a beautiful day in Baltimore, slightly windy, which lead me to have wind-burn on my face the next day. But a nice pink color to the face never hurt anyone! Oh, and if anyone wants a good meal - Baked Gnocchi with Alfredo from Sabitino's in Little Italy - HEAVENLY! Fortunately we didn't see the dead body that they found floating in the water the next morning - oh JOY! That would have put a spin on the boating part.

I got to go to Harbor East last night and celebrate my coworker Lori's graduation from Hopkins. She hosted a party at Taco Fiesta, which is owned by a friend of hers. Very yummy food, and I had a corona with lime... I decided at the last minute to change from the margarita plan. I found parking a block away on the street, and the spot was nice and big - so I didn't have a problem parking. I don't know what it is, but when other people are in the car with me I can't park worth crap. But when I'm by myself I do just fine.

Today I'm playing nurse. Well, actually I'm following a nurse and physical therapist around as they visit patients in the home. I'm observing the process of using the laptop in the home with the patient, and seeing how that works. A lot of home care nurses have been against this change (they think it takes away from patient care) but there are a few all-stars who have accepted it easily. I'm nervous about going into sick-people homes, but it should be an educational experience. We'll see...

Baltimore Ducks

I'm so excited... I'm sitting at my desk vibrating (get your mind out of the gutter) because I can't wait to go meet Sam and go on the Ducks tour! I've been wanting to do this tour since it started, and never found time to do it. It's fun playing a 1/2 day of hookie from work and going to play. I like playing in the middle of the day! It makes me feel naughty some how! WOOOO HOOOOO

come on 12:45....... I get to walk out the door then.... meantime I'm trying to look busy..... LOL

Oh.. and I like babybel cheese individual circles.. very tasty :)

talk about psychodrama

Wow - what an emotional roller-coaster this weekend has been for me. I don't like that transformational breathing meditation that I did, as it seemed to tap into too much at once on Thursday night, and set me up for a melt-down all weekend. I was thinking and feeling things that I have never felt before, went to a really dark place that I had no idea lived inside of me, and it freaked me out. I'm on my way to recovery, and I feel so much better. This is making me really hesitate helping my friend David as he is going through his "breathing coach" certification. I need to understand if his workshop is like what I put myself through before I make any decisions about it. If it is... I'm not going to do it.

Thank God for my friends. I talked about it with the people at school this weekend, and they were in my shoes before, and are still dealing with intense dark emotions that pop-up for them. It really did scare me, and I thought I was going crazy. It was so good to hear that I am normal, and finally human. I say that 1/2 in jest, but sometimes I feel like I'm on autopilot, so maybe this was my wake-up call.

However, the highlight of the weekend was visiting with my friend Sam. After 2 months it was wonderful to see him, and I can't wait to spend some more time with him tomorrow before he heads back out to work. I heard that people come into your life for a reason, and I'm beginning to really believe that is true. I think we have a good effect on each other; although, I was hung-over for class this morning. After nearly walking into the wall on my way to the bathroom this morning to get ready; there was a strong 5 minutes of sitting in the bathroom trying to figure out if I was still drunk, and if I could actually drive. After my shower, I determined that I was just hung-over and could function. Luckily we did most of the brain work on Friday and Saturday, and today was just prep for next class. But I'd do it again in a heart-beat - Saturday night out was a blast! And we had an amazingly yummy Greek dinner and tasty wine to start it off... I think it was the mind-eraser shot that did me in. Actually, we had 2 great dinners this weekend - the first was Friday night at a Moroccan restaurant in Arlington that had belly dancing. I had the most interesting combination of flavors... :)

good cry

There is nothing like a good cry to set you free. I hold things in because I'm bound by some "should" that says I have to be rational at all times. I have such pent-up pain from being rejected, that the transformational breathing meditation has been really helping me get through. I should be sleeping, as I have to be up at 4:30am to get ready to drive to school for the weekend, but instead I'm sitting in front of my computer openly sobbing.

Yeah, people love me. I know this... but as a child, I was rejected by my father - it's a child's interpretation... and then with every break-up I've had, I have felt the rejection again. And every time it happens a little piece of me wonders if I'm lovable. Is there someone out there who wants to love me? I know I'm worthy, but when will the rejection stop. (And no, I wasn't recently rejected, it's past pain that I haven't dealt with - instead I play the "good guy." And try to take the higher road to be the better person and forget about it.) I play the role of the child well... but I'm not - I'm 30.

And these damn readings I have to do for class aren't helping. With every word I apply it to myself, and I wonder if that's what I'm doing. I'm psychoanalyzing every thought to judge if I'm crazy. And, that's the dumbest thing I've ever done. I know it. Self-awareness is a tricky piece. I even think I'm making shit up to see what it would sound like in my head if the thought was real.

If I don't like it, change my mind. I'm going to do that, I'm in control. Attitude, behavior, emotions, and actions are all choices. I choose to be affected by something, I choose to be afraid of something, I choose to worry over stupid things, I choose to allow these things to continue to harm me. Not any more! I'm not holding my tongue in order to keep the peace any longer... it's killing me inside. And, I'm bored with it.

I AM NOT A VICTIM, GOD DAMMIT! I'm a mature, educated, confident, beautiful woman, and I'm not going to let some stupid asshole men from my past control how I feel or judge myself today! THEY WEREN'T WORTHY OF ME! AND THEY AREN'T HOLDING ME CAPTIVE ANY MORE!

FUCK THEM! Karma baby, it's all karma, and they are going to get what they dished out. 2 of them already have... now I'm just waiting for the other pain to be delivered. I'm not going to mourn for the loss of their love anymore. There weren't good times, there weren't happy times. It was a constant battle with one 5 years ago to even admit that he wanted some sort of relationship with me - even though he lived in another time zone. I was constantly trying to please him to get him to like me, and I sacrificed myself in the process. With my ass of a recent ex, I became this quiet, non-sharing, rule creator, who bit her tongue so much to let him be who he was and love unconditionally that I stunted my own growth. I think of all the times I wanted to lay into him and tell him to go to hell, and I didn't because I justified that he was just here for a weekend before traveling again, and I should shut my mouth in order to get through the weekend and have sex. And the sex wasn't even that good. But I rationalized that at least I was getting some. That wasn't love.

I'm not going to enter another relationship with the pain I allowed myself to build up, I'm not a martyr. It's all getting out of me once and for all. I want to love freely, I want to attach, I want intimacy, and I want someone who's finally rooting for me, not against me.

Patterns

I've always been able to see patterns and make logical connections very easily. It's something that comes naturally to me. I don't mean mathematical-scientific patterns per se, but just patterns - the pieces always fit together in a bigger picture for me.

Also, with my MS education, I'm being taught to notice patterns in behavior. That's something that I can pick up easily too - and put the pieces together to make them connect. Usually I am on target with them.

The issue I am having is that of when do I intervene? Morals and values of mine indicate that I should leave people alone to make their own decisions and mistakes. However, logic tells me that the sign of a crazy person is someone who continues to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result every time. And... if I can see it, wouldn't it behoove me to be a helpful friend and point it out?

But then I feel self-righteous and indignant when I burst happy bubbles - thus I don't. But sometimes, when someone has wronged me, on so many levels, I want to strike back. And my strike is usually more dangerous than my bite. Because I can see these patterns, and know the intimate reasons of behavior behind them, which means I can do a lot of damage.

Is a few minutes of pleasure in getting the strike in worth emotionally damaging them? Do I need to be one of those people who needs to feel better by making someone feel worse? Is that the human element? Or am I to be better than that?

I googled ENFPs, just to see what was out there online. There were a lot of discussion boards with women like me who have a hard time of letting go. It was like reading my own writing, and everyone who responded to the posters felt the same way. Is this behavior truly ingrained so deeply that people all over the world are experiencing the exact same things? They claim its because we love so freely and with everything we have... that when the love isn't returned we mourn the loss of it. And ENFPs never take anyone out of their heart, they just add more people in. In response to that, ENFPs have natural attachment problems. They are usually hurt when they are young very deeply and learn to protect themselves against their very nature. The relationships they have as adults are still loving, but sometimes they never go beyond the surface and become intimate and attached. I don't mean sexual intimacy, I mean the act of truly allowing someone to see into their soul. We are willing to look into everyone else's and love everything we see there, but don't think that will be returned. So we build a wall, block them from seeing something that could potentially be judged, and avoid being hurt. Or so we think.