good cry

There is nothing like a good cry to set you free. I hold things in because I'm bound by some "should" that says I have to be rational at all times. I have such pent-up pain from being rejected, that the transformational breathing meditation has been really helping me get through. I should be sleeping, as I have to be up at 4:30am to get ready to drive to school for the weekend, but instead I'm sitting in front of my computer openly sobbing.

Yeah, people love me. I know this... but as a child, I was rejected by my father - it's a child's interpretation... and then with every break-up I've had, I have felt the rejection again. And every time it happens a little piece of me wonders if I'm lovable. Is there someone out there who wants to love me? I know I'm worthy, but when will the rejection stop. (And no, I wasn't recently rejected, it's past pain that I haven't dealt with - instead I play the "good guy." And try to take the higher road to be the better person and forget about it.) I play the role of the child well... but I'm not - I'm 30.

And these damn readings I have to do for class aren't helping. With every word I apply it to myself, and I wonder if that's what I'm doing. I'm psychoanalyzing every thought to judge if I'm crazy. And, that's the dumbest thing I've ever done. I know it. Self-awareness is a tricky piece. I even think I'm making shit up to see what it would sound like in my head if the thought was real.

If I don't like it, change my mind. I'm going to do that, I'm in control. Attitude, behavior, emotions, and actions are all choices. I choose to be affected by something, I choose to be afraid of something, I choose to worry over stupid things, I choose to allow these things to continue to harm me. Not any more! I'm not holding my tongue in order to keep the peace any longer... it's killing me inside. And, I'm bored with it.

I AM NOT A VICTIM, GOD DAMMIT! I'm a mature, educated, confident, beautiful woman, and I'm not going to let some stupid asshole men from my past control how I feel or judge myself today! THEY WEREN'T WORTHY OF ME! AND THEY AREN'T HOLDING ME CAPTIVE ANY MORE!

FUCK THEM! Karma baby, it's all karma, and they are going to get what they dished out. 2 of them already have... now I'm just waiting for the other pain to be delivered. I'm not going to mourn for the loss of their love anymore. There weren't good times, there weren't happy times. It was a constant battle with one 5 years ago to even admit that he wanted some sort of relationship with me - even though he lived in another time zone. I was constantly trying to please him to get him to like me, and I sacrificed myself in the process. With my ass of a recent ex, I became this quiet, non-sharing, rule creator, who bit her tongue so much to let him be who he was and love unconditionally that I stunted my own growth. I think of all the times I wanted to lay into him and tell him to go to hell, and I didn't because I justified that he was just here for a weekend before traveling again, and I should shut my mouth in order to get through the weekend and have sex. And the sex wasn't even that good. But I rationalized that at least I was getting some. That wasn't love.

I'm not going to enter another relationship with the pain I allowed myself to build up, I'm not a martyr. It's all getting out of me once and for all. I want to love freely, I want to attach, I want intimacy, and I want someone who's finally rooting for me, not against me.