This rock needs her own rock

Gosh I'm feeling so much better today. But I went ahead and called EAP at work to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I think it will do me good to talk to someone and get some ideas and insights about what is going on with me. I think all of the emotion and fears are coming up now because I am in a place that is strong enough to deal with them. I don't have to be scared of them. I have a lot of irrational thoughts about spiraling down into a pit of despair, but I know that isn't me.

My logical and rational brain laughs at myself every time I make that statement because it's not me. But then my nagging thought peeps in with "what if it is?" Thus the spiral shoots off again.

I also have a crush on my care coordinator that I spoke to on the phone when I called EAP. I know, silly. But he really "got me" and shared that he does that too sometimes, and based on his professional opinion he thinks I'm normal and he's glad I'm seeking help on understanding what is triggering all of it. Look at me, I'm learning to be vulnerable! Maybe I need to be like that with more people, instead of always being the one that holds everyone else together.

I think that's what I'm really searching for in my life when I think of a soulmate. I don't necessairly mean it in the common romantic sense. I mean someone who truly gets me (no, I don't think my care coordinator is that person, I haven't lost all sense, I was being funny), who I can fall apart emotionally with, and not worry about being judged or it help against me. This rock is looking for her rock. Maybe that's why my relationships with men in the past haven't worked out - I never trusted them enough for them to be my rock.

Actually, I was really surprised two weekends ago that I shared so much with my friend Sam about what was going on emotionally for me. I'm usually very guarded and careful, but I just felt like I could open myself to him and share. That's what I mean by intimate friendships... not having to hold myself together and hide to keep the relationship going. I truly think he's magic, not that I'm putting him up on a pedestal or anything. But he always shows up for me when I need him most. I was so grateful he was with me that weekend, because I truly didn't want to be alone.

But I truly feel so much better today. I've felt semi-better the last few days, but today I am truly starting to feel it to my core. I did 4 Circles of Intent from the suggestion of my friend David. They are: "Ability to let go of negativity," "Happy and Healthy Life," "Trust myself and God," "Intimate relationships with deep love." The idea is to draw a circle, put those intentions on the inside of the circle, and all of things that are getting in your way of those on the outside. The activity is based on the Law of Attraction - that you get what you put out into the universe, as everything is energy. If you put love out, you'll get it back, if you put fear out you'll be scared, etc... So universe - you have my intentions, and I'm focusing on them.

This episode has also brought me back strongly to my faith. I've pretty much said every prayer I could think of and a few that I made up along the way. It's so good to have God in my life. I love being swaddled in His love. That's one part of me that I can't deny - my Christianity.