life lesson

So what new lessons have I learned about myself over the last week? Well, I'm really good at catastrophes. I process way too much. It's almost like I'm testing out every possible scenario to see if that "sits" with me, so I know a better plan of action.

I think my mental freak-out into the depths of doom over the last week has been a lesson for me. I need to not be so controlling, or have such high expectations of myself. Where I got myself stuck is that I would always let hurtful things go, like break-ups with guys I really cared about, by saying "oh, by the time I'm 30 I'll be in a better place, in a great relationship, and on my way to getting married with children, so I won't let it bother me now." It was a monumental wake-up call to know that every single rational thought I promised myself, didn't happen in regard to relationships. And it pained me to realize that I was responsible for that. I made choices that focused me on a career, certain kinds of people in my life, and so forth that I have no one to blame except for me. The idea that I was unconsciously sabotaging myself from getting what I think I wanted was scary. And when I started thinking about how things haven't worked out, I turned myself into a paralysed victim with no-way out. The anxiety I felt over feeling helpless scared the shit out of me. I've never felt that way before. And I started obsessing about getting stuck in the helplessness, because I didn't want to be there. Both sides of my mind would scream at each other to snap out of it, because it's not really me - and that scared me.

I've been telling myself various mantras:

- I am one of God's gift's to the world
- I'm a beautiful and sexy woman
- I need to channel my energy into helping
- I have a life purpose and I need to live it
- I am not a victim
- My plan changed, so I'm getting a new plan
- I'm free to do whatever I want
- I am in charge, not my emotions

It's an interesting paradox. On one hand I'm very controlling with myself. I have to act a certain way, say certain things, accomplish certain goals to be who I see myself to be. On the other hand, I love giving up control to someone I see worthy of making those decisions for me. I LOVE dominate men who tell me what to do - as long as it's coming from a loving place and not jealousy. Fortunately I have a few in my life who fulfill that need for me. I feel free to be myself if some of the decisions are made for me - fun activities, where to have dinner, the plan for the day. It's also interesting that my need to control doesn't fall into any sexual hangups. I was talking to some classmates while in Bethel about orgasms and sex. Apparently they have never orgasm with themselves or with a partner (they are well into their 30s) - because they don't feel they can let go of the control enough, or trust their partner enough to do so. I've never had that problem. I was actually giving them advice in that area, as that issue isn't something I have ever felt - its very easy for me. So where does that paradox come from? Hmmm..

I was watching TV last night and listening to the various stories about the dancers on "So You Think You Can Dance?" and I felt ashamed that I was letting something so stupid crack me. Some of these people have really struggled, where I have accomplished so much, and here I sit complaining and obsessing because my plan changed. Grow up, Amy! I tell myself that too... it was almost like I have been pouting. But I didn't like getting lost in my thoughts without being able to think about something else. I'm feeling much better about it now, and it's starting to get under control.

I've also learned that you really can't tell someone to stop doing something, especially a cognitive thing. As consultants it's easy for us to tell someone to snap out of something, but its really hard to actually do that. Maybe I needed to learn that too for when I'm working with people.

Anyway, I'm all about testing out new behavior. I'm a P in my MBTI, so I like spontaneity and not having plans or rules - so I'm going to try to internalize that for my expectations on myself. I'm not going to be running naked in the streets anytime soon, but I'm going to let myself be myself, and not some facade I think I have to be.