weird group theory

Blah. This is my public revolt against reading anything else for school. So, I think was something like 20 readings I had to do to get ready for the first weekend of my class. And now I have about 8, and it's easier reading, but I'm revolting.

I don't like group theory. That's a lie. The inquisitive and curious side of me wants to know all about it. The logical and rational side of me doesn't want to know anything more about.

We covered 15 different theorists last time we met. The original class had 21 in the first weekend, but they managed to drill it down to 15. I think I could have done with about 5... but no.

What I don't like about group theory is the loss of control. I'm probably going to mix up the theories talking about it, but basically here's the deal. A bunch of people did a bunch of studies with groups. They basically had theories on how groups form and interact, and were able to consistently see patterns of behavior. The people were able to decide that groups go through various phases - the storming, norming, etc phase that is most popular. But there is also a dependency phase, co-dependency, etc. And there's even one where a group will start "splitting" it's emotions and create a scapegoat in the group to hold all of that. This because becomes the reason why the group can't function, etc., and if the scapegoat is removed, the group picks another person to replace it.

All of that is very interesting, but my cognitive mind can't wrap around that. In the sense that they theorist is saying that the group is performing these actions without it's own knowledge. Meaning, the person you don't like in the group you work with, and other people feel the same way, may not be for legitimate reasons - it may be that the group is looking for a scapegoat. And if the person is gone, the group will find someone else to pinpoint. To think that I am unknowingly contributing to this behavior doesn't sit well with me. But that is just one example. Another is that when a group first forms, they look to the leader as a parent, wanting the parent to tell them exactly what to do. And when the parent is trying to treat them like adults and give them choices, the group revolts and the leader/parent becomes "bad".

Basically, groups do this all the time - the behavior has been tested and tested again. So to think that I do that - make someone a 'parent,' 'scapegoat' etc. - without my own knowledge is weird.

This rock needs her own rock

Gosh I'm feeling so much better today. But I went ahead and called EAP at work to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I think it will do me good to talk to someone and get some ideas and insights about what is going on with me. I think all of the emotion and fears are coming up now because I am in a place that is strong enough to deal with them. I don't have to be scared of them. I have a lot of irrational thoughts about spiraling down into a pit of despair, but I know that isn't me.

My logical and rational brain laughs at myself every time I make that statement because it's not me. But then my nagging thought peeps in with "what if it is?" Thus the spiral shoots off again.

I also have a crush on my care coordinator that I spoke to on the phone when I called EAP. I know, silly. But he really "got me" and shared that he does that too sometimes, and based on his professional opinion he thinks I'm normal and he's glad I'm seeking help on understanding what is triggering all of it. Look at me, I'm learning to be vulnerable! Maybe I need to be like that with more people, instead of always being the one that holds everyone else together.

I think that's what I'm really searching for in my life when I think of a soulmate. I don't necessairly mean it in the common romantic sense. I mean someone who truly gets me (no, I don't think my care coordinator is that person, I haven't lost all sense, I was being funny), who I can fall apart emotionally with, and not worry about being judged or it help against me. This rock is looking for her rock. Maybe that's why my relationships with men in the past haven't worked out - I never trusted them enough for them to be my rock.

Actually, I was really surprised two weekends ago that I shared so much with my friend Sam about what was going on emotionally for me. I'm usually very guarded and careful, but I just felt like I could open myself to him and share. That's what I mean by intimate friendships... not having to hold myself together and hide to keep the relationship going. I truly think he's magic, not that I'm putting him up on a pedestal or anything. But he always shows up for me when I need him most. I was so grateful he was with me that weekend, because I truly didn't want to be alone.

But I truly feel so much better today. I've felt semi-better the last few days, but today I am truly starting to feel it to my core. I did 4 Circles of Intent from the suggestion of my friend David. They are: "Ability to let go of negativity," "Happy and Healthy Life," "Trust myself and God," "Intimate relationships with deep love." The idea is to draw a circle, put those intentions on the inside of the circle, and all of things that are getting in your way of those on the outside. The activity is based on the Law of Attraction - that you get what you put out into the universe, as everything is energy. If you put love out, you'll get it back, if you put fear out you'll be scared, etc... So universe - you have my intentions, and I'm focusing on them.

This episode has also brought me back strongly to my faith. I've pretty much said every prayer I could think of and a few that I made up along the way. It's so good to have God in my life. I love being swaddled in His love. That's one part of me that I can't deny - my Christianity.

Weight Loss!

I weighed in last night at the gym, and to my surprise, the anxious week I had had a startling response to my waist line! I've lost 9lbs! Most of it was water weight, and I was PMSing, so I think that had a lot to do with my mood too.

I've been talking with my friend from school about the concept of living fearlessly. That's really scary and exciting at the same time. I don't like to give up control, and for some reason being faced with 30 and realizing that I'm single has been really scary for me. I'm not a child anymore, or a young woman, I'm a woman-woman. The dreams I had about being married by now didn't happen, so I'm trying to get a new plan. Well, I already have a new plan: graduation, getting a puppy, buying a house, and having children. And travel - lots and lots of travel!

I was never a woman who thought that she needed a man or husband to complete her. And I'm still not that woman. But I want to have deep and intimate relationships in my life where I can be my authentic self. Friendships are those relationships. Feeling like I have a support system around me who loves me no matter what. I need to get involved in my friend's lives again, as I feel like I'm disconnected from them.

Breakthrough this morning

I am feeling like the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Everything that I have been feeling over the past week has come together for me, and I finally get it. Just because I felt intense negative emotions doing the meditation doesn't mean that I'm depressed! I was so scared over the last week that I was depressed and going to spiral out of control into a pit of despair. That's not true! The two things aren't related! All of the anxiety I was feeling was around the self-talk that I was giving myself trying to snap out of it - when there was nothing to snap! Gosh my over-thinking will drive me insane one day! I need to stop doing it!

I got to trust my gut-tube and just flow! Coming to the conclusion this morning must have had a physical effect on me as well. Glenda, my co-worker, said I look absolutely beautiful today. My face and my aura look so pure. I'm free! God, I was so scared. I was so afraid that I would lose my mind. But I knew that I just needed to trust God and myself, and everything will be okay.

Thank you, God!

Just Booked a Cruise!

So I decided to be adventurous, and just go for it! I booked a cruise for July 4th weekend from Miami to Nassau and NCL's private island with my mom. It leaves on July 3, and returns to Miami the Monday morning. Just 3 nights, but a lot of fun! I need the get-away. I can't wait to lay on the beach at the private island and float around on my noodle. Yes, I'm going to find a way to get my noodle on the plane and onto the boat!

I'm going to take off the rest of the week and do fun things. I'm waiting for someone to decide what he wants to do with for his birthday, because my intention was to spend it with him ever since he had too much ouzo online with me one night in March and invited me. However he's being indecisive! We'll see what the future will bring! :)

life lesson

So what new lessons have I learned about myself over the last week? Well, I'm really good at catastrophes. I process way too much. It's almost like I'm testing out every possible scenario to see if that "sits" with me, so I know a better plan of action.

I think my mental freak-out into the depths of doom over the last week has been a lesson for me. I need to not be so controlling, or have such high expectations of myself. Where I got myself stuck is that I would always let hurtful things go, like break-ups with guys I really cared about, by saying "oh, by the time I'm 30 I'll be in a better place, in a great relationship, and on my way to getting married with children, so I won't let it bother me now." It was a monumental wake-up call to know that every single rational thought I promised myself, didn't happen in regard to relationships. And it pained me to realize that I was responsible for that. I made choices that focused me on a career, certain kinds of people in my life, and so forth that I have no one to blame except for me. The idea that I was unconsciously sabotaging myself from getting what I think I wanted was scary. And when I started thinking about how things haven't worked out, I turned myself into a paralysed victim with no-way out. The anxiety I felt over feeling helpless scared the shit out of me. I've never felt that way before. And I started obsessing about getting stuck in the helplessness, because I didn't want to be there. Both sides of my mind would scream at each other to snap out of it, because it's not really me - and that scared me.

I've been telling myself various mantras:

- I am one of God's gift's to the world
- I'm a beautiful and sexy woman
- I need to channel my energy into helping
- I have a life purpose and I need to live it
- I am not a victim
- My plan changed, so I'm getting a new plan
- I'm free to do whatever I want
- I am in charge, not my emotions

It's an interesting paradox. On one hand I'm very controlling with myself. I have to act a certain way, say certain things, accomplish certain goals to be who I see myself to be. On the other hand, I love giving up control to someone I see worthy of making those decisions for me. I LOVE dominate men who tell me what to do - as long as it's coming from a loving place and not jealousy. Fortunately I have a few in my life who fulfill that need for me. I feel free to be myself if some of the decisions are made for me - fun activities, where to have dinner, the plan for the day. It's also interesting that my need to control doesn't fall into any sexual hangups. I was talking to some classmates while in Bethel about orgasms and sex. Apparently they have never orgasm with themselves or with a partner (they are well into their 30s) - because they don't feel they can let go of the control enough, or trust their partner enough to do so. I've never had that problem. I was actually giving them advice in that area, as that issue isn't something I have ever felt - its very easy for me. So where does that paradox come from? Hmmm..

I was watching TV last night and listening to the various stories about the dancers on "So You Think You Can Dance?" and I felt ashamed that I was letting something so stupid crack me. Some of these people have really struggled, where I have accomplished so much, and here I sit complaining and obsessing because my plan changed. Grow up, Amy! I tell myself that too... it was almost like I have been pouting. But I didn't like getting lost in my thoughts without being able to think about something else. I'm feeling much better about it now, and it's starting to get under control.

I've also learned that you really can't tell someone to stop doing something, especially a cognitive thing. As consultants it's easy for us to tell someone to snap out of something, but its really hard to actually do that. Maybe I needed to learn that too for when I'm working with people.

Anyway, I'm all about testing out new behavior. I'm a P in my MBTI, so I like spontaneity and not having plans or rules - so I'm going to try to internalize that for my expectations on myself. I'm not going to be running naked in the streets anytime soon, but I'm going to let myself be myself, and not some facade I think I have to be.

Sunshine in my Mouth

I have a new song stuck in my head, well, it's really the refrain. I keep hearing it on the radio, and it goes like this, "I'm in love, with my best friend..." I think it's by Colbie Caillat with Jason Mraz doing a duet on that one. I also have another song in my head that I can't get rid of, but I don't know the words enough or the name to look up. Oh Well!

I weighed myself again at the gym yesterday, and I've lost 24.5lbs since I started. My clothes are fitting me differently, but I still haven't really noticed a drastic loss... I guess because it's been spread over the last 6-8 months when I started in September. Where have the 6-8 months gone? It was drastic when I lost the weight last time, as I lost that much in about 2 months on the Atkins diet. I'm keeping that in perspective, as this is the much healthier way to do it.

I actually have a slow day at work today, so I think I'm going to do some more of my reading for class. It's ironic that one of the books we are using is one that my department adopted a year or so ago, and has done some extensive work with. I'm very familiar with the concepts, and now just need to formally read it. It's The Skilled Facilitator.

What I will do for myself today:

Today I am going to the grocery store during lunch time and get fresh tangerine juice. I've heard that it's "Sunshine in your Mouth" and I want to taste it.