Biggest and Best Problem to Have

Time to spill my guts...

Things seem to happen to me at the same time. I was driving to NJ this weekend, and I was reminded of the date, and realized that this time last year started my downward spiral into anxiety. I had a moment of panic, and when I started thinking about what I have to be anxious about, a few different things showed up for me.

First, I'm stressed at work and not currently happy with what I'm doing. Actually, I checked this out with my coworkers, as I mentioned yesterday, and they all feel the same way. We all want to run away somewhere and not show up again. For each of us it is a struggle, and it is not something I carry alone. So I can check that off my list - I'm not going crazy because I don't want to be here. (That is one of the false statements I carry - I "should" be happy at my work all the time and enjoy what I do.)

(Before I go on, I feel like I have to give an explanation - as someone who never felt strong emotions before, when I do feel them, I think I'm going crazy, because I don't know what they are and what is causing them. People who have felt emotions all their life and learned to deal with them, don't have this problem. So I need people around me to keep telling me that I'm normal, and I'm supposed to feel this way.)

Second, I got what I wished for. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the Law of Attraction works. What you ask for and put out in the universe, and mediate on, and feel good vibes about, will be attracted to you. So back in October-November, I was putting out vibes to find my life partner. I did a lot of growing over the last summer months, a lot of determining who I am and wanted to be in life, lived through a lot of emotions and fear, and got to the other side where I felt ready. Now I have him, my Johnny, and I'm scared to death.

I did something I would not normally do with a guy I'm really interested in - I shared my inner self. I explained how stressed and anxious I was feeling about all of my work for school and my job, and how I was afraid that the stress would cause me to melt into anxiety again... I cried - for a good few hours, sharing all the things I worry about - and I basically let him into the wall that I've built around myself. He cried too. He first cried for me, then he cried for his own worries about his parents and their health. Then we decided that we needed to get out of bed, go do something fun, and stop laying there crying.

So here's the problem. I just realized this weekend that I am falling in love, I've let someone into the secret sanctuary of my inner-self, and now I'm scared to death. Why? Because this means I'm growing up, and my inner child is scared shitless about it. She's actually throwing a temper tantrum and wants to hide under the blankets until its all figured out and she doesn't have to deal with it. Growing up sucks. Because with it comes all sorts of responsibility.

I've also lived in the land of someday.... Someday I would fall in love, someday I would own a house, someday I would do this... and surprise - someday is here. And its scaring me to death. John and I talked about getting our own place next summer. (I also have "shoulds" about when it is too soon to talk about these sorts of things, and if relationships seem to be moving too fast - which I'm working against right now too. Entering into this conversation with him and entertaining the idea broke my "should" about this.) That means I have to move out of my house and actually become an adult, not the facade of an adult that I put on. I seem to be two people - the one at work is a total adult - hell, I teach other people how to be adults. Then there is this inner kid who isn't ready to leave her mommy. Then there is Mommy who doesn't want to let me go - because she likes to take care of people and this is the first time she won't have someone to take care of, and has no idea how to do that. (Those were her words last night when I was sharing this with her.) My initial reaction to this - my animal gut - tells me to run away. To go hide somewhere and not deal with it. Its all scary monsters and I need my teddy bear, my blanket, cheese or chocolate, a knitting project, and somewhere to hide where no one can find me.

My gut wants me to maintain status quo - where life doesn't move forward, and life is suspended in time - where none of these things have to happen. Yet that is not what life is. I'm at the biggest turning point and growth of my life - and it is scary as hell.

Most people go through this at a younger age, which leads to a judgement about myself being too old to feel this way and to grow up.

I think the theme of LOST is helpful here - I just need to "let go" and "let it happen" and enjoy it. Reframing is helpful, as this is something that everyone goes through - it is arrogant of me to think that no one has felt this way. But my other habit, my habit of impatience, wants me to have it NOW - and not wait. I'm always looking for the end result, and not too willing to let the ride happen. Example: I'm already looking for PhD programs - my next thing - before I'm even finished my MSOD. This external focus of satisfaction reminds me that I need to get in touch with my internal and spiritual self. That's where true happiness and joy are, not with more achievements. But my need for achievements are driven by my desire to be perfect. Then I question, since I never dated someone like John before, is he going to help or hinder my desire for achievements.

Ahhh... so there is my true learning. I'm too worried about being perfect and living the perfect life, that I am almost willing to run away from the "greatest love of all" and hide. But the truth is, with that kind of love, completeness will find me - and being whole and complete is the true mission in life, not perfection.

So what do I do with myself while my ego is trying to remove the idea of perfection? Because my ego fights it. I read a book once that mentioned that when you are growing and changing, your ego will fight you each step of the way - through fear and anxiety - because it doesn't like to grow and change. It wants to be in control. Like me, I like to be in control - and fear and anxiety mean that I'm not in control. But I can't control growth.

What a weekend!

So, I have to share that I did something I would never normally do in a relationship, I laid my emotions on the line and shared the turmoil that was going on inside of me. I basically had 9 days straight without a break, I have a two page list of things to do, and I just want to run away. I cried with him yesterday, just letting all of the stress go, and getting it out of my system. Actually, he's so sweet, that we both laid in bed, and cried all morning.

The truth is, I just want to run away with John... running away is a trigger to me that I am not having fun in what I'm doing right now. The enormity of the amount of work I have to do is staggering, and plus I am emotionally and mentally tired, which doesn't give me the energy to do anything to chip away at my list.

So now I need to find a way to have fun! I want to do fun things! :)

But I'm proud of myself for sharing... I'm working on letting it out, and not leaving it sucked inside of me. Being authentic is where I need to spend my energy. I don't have it together all the time, I can fail, I don't have to be perfect. I am human.

Looking for Something

I seem to be looking for something that will take my stress away. I would not normally call it stress, or rather if that is the right term to use... as what I am feeling is a weight upon my shoulders. A weight that looms over me and sucks my energy because I have to be constantly "on" and on top of things. Lori, at the team meeting yesterday, said that all of this structure makes her crazy - the idea that we have to plan out our vacations two years in advance because the schedule is so tight for the next 24 months that we can't deviate. Also, its a hassle to change things. Her example was that she can't go to NJ for Father's Day, because she has to be in the hotel room in DC getting ready for a 7am start in DC. I have to agree with her. When fun things come up on the weekend, I have to actually check to see what I'm doing on Monday, so I know where I have to be, and if I have to have a really early morning. I also can't easily go out at night and stay late, just because of the fact that some of my days have been starting before 5am. One would argue and say, "That's dumb, I go to work at 4am every morning..." Yes, that is true, but you aren't at work until 6pm at night. Working through lunch, and breaks, and constantly having to be on my toes leading 20 adults in learning - is taking a toll on my body.

So I'm looking for something to relax me. Some sort of healing art therapy to help me let go, and not feel the weight on my shoulders. I don't know if that exists. But I do know that I will see my boyfriend this weekend, so that is a start! :)

Where's Amy-do?

One could hope that I was on vacation for the last few days; however, that has not been the case. I've been doing so much that I need place to capture all this running around in my head... here's my running ToDo List:

Fun Stuff:

• Map directions to candlelight yoga in NJ on Friday night
• Purchase a gift for John's friend Sam for his birthday party this weekend
• Pack the yoga stuff for the weekend, as well as sunscreen for biking and a potential day at the beach
• Check out menu options and events to make sure that dinner is still on tonight with Sam
• Be in front of the TV at 7pm on Sunday night for the final eppi of LOST

School Stuff:

Part 1 - Leadership, Power, and Politics Class, due June 18:

• Prepare the case study given in class as an example for our final comps
• Create a coaching agreement with Svenja and schedule two more sessions with her over this 5 week period
• Begin research for our larger group project on Leadership Development in Organizations (celebrate because I do this for a living, which makes the project easier) and prepare a 60 minute presentation
• Read chapters from both books
• Read additional articles from blackboard
• Write a short reflection paper to be posted on blackboard about my coaching experiences as a coach to Svenja and being coached by her

Part 2 - Practicum Project:

• Write Statement of Intended Project (6-10 pages with sources) before I can begin contracting with client
• Follow-up with Client about dates to meet with the council and him to finalize the contract
• Write the contract and get signatures
• Begin the Proposal
• Coach Jackie

Part 3 - Studying for Comps in November:

• Begin to ID 1-2 theorists from each class taken in order to have a reserve for final comp exam in November

Work:

• Begin design of online training module for new Talent Manager technology, due at the end of May
• Continue to rotate facilitating 2 days a week, 8am-5:3pm, being the admin for 2 days a week, 6:30am-4pm, or providing tech training or support for 2-3 hours. I could be doing any of those at any given time during the week.
• Begin design of day 3 and 4 of the training

Taking Care of Me:

• Go to bed early each night, opposed to my normal 11pm time
• Drink plenty of fluids and immune boosters
• Eat lighter meals to keep up energy and not get sick
• Take the time for fun and relax
• Spend as much time as I can with Johnny

Ewk! My Allergies

I don't know what has bloomed in my area that is causing this reaction (I'll have to do some research) but I'm having a larger reaction than I normally do this time of year. Watery eyes, itchy and running nose, and the occasional sneezing just make me oh so very attractive! I'm HOT! hehe

I just laid down the gauntlet yesterday with my cohort. Over the stupidest decision in the world, going outside for Learning Community (LC). A group of us wanted to go outside when we were having that amazing weather in March during class weekend, and the entire group was convinced to go - after spending over 45 minutes talking about it - when someone then decided to throw out their personal need of not wearing the right clothes to go outside. This comment put the entire group at a stalemate, and we stayed inside. This cohort has a hard time balancing its personal individual needs with the group needs, with people throwing wrenches in at the last minute after the group made the decision, in order to get their own way. Considering that they wait until after the group makes the decision to give the opposite, it almost seems like a form of intentional sabotage. I'm not sure what that is about, but this gives me more indication of people that I don't want to work with after graduation. Anyway, for this weekend, the offer was sent to the group to go outside again, so I just cleanly and neatly stated that we should assume we are going outside because the 2 factors hindering us from last time are not there, and people have until Thursday to state an argument of why it would not benefit the entire group to go outside, opposed to their own personal needs. Considering that this weekend is a class in leadership, I also posed the question, "Isn't doing something for the benefit of the whole of the group a sign of leadership?" Damn, I'm good at delivering zingers when I need to. I'm sure I'll get my ass kicked for it, but someone had to do it. But that shows the maturity level of the group.

Feeling Good in the Neighborhood!

Feeling much better has me back in the office today! Yay! And I'm really excited that I am going to see my Johnny tonight! I can't wait - the weeks are so long and the weekends are so short!

The office is a flurry of energy this morning, as the entire team is here except for Carol! Its so funny, because when she isn't here we all wear "illegal" clothes. We each have jeans on, and Ashely and I have short skirts on - Carol would roll if she saw the length. Not that any of us look trashy, we are just comfy! hehe :) Glenda is even wearing flip-flops! hehe ;)

I have to run out and buy a present bag for my mom for her mom's day present! I got her a really neat necklace that she said she liked from Hallmark! yay! :) Then I may go to TacoBell for lunch... nommy!

Tomorrow is going to be a big day - I have a bridal shower to attend, and then we're going to a beer and wine tasting at my old college! I hope the weather stays nice and warm, but it seems to be calling for rain again. I don't get why it has to rain here every weekend that John and I are in town! It hasn't been each, but it has been for most! :)

I'm also going to do some reading for my homework! I am the admin 2 days next week, so that should give me plenty of time to read and catch up on my homework for the following class!

Once again...

After going through the same thing where I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach and gallbladder pain, based on over-eating at dinner the night before, and promising myself that I will not do this to myself - I do it again.

I had steak, veggies, mac&cheese, salad, and left over fried rice for dinner. The salad was a mozzarella and tomato, which is so yummy. I ate it all. What did me in was the helpings of mac&cheese and rice. Instead of one serving, I lost count. I was really hungry after my walk and I just kept filling my plate. Talking at the same time, telling mom stories of my day doesn't help. I eat slowly, but I'm not paying attention to my plate or my eating and I don't realize how much I've eaten until the bowls are clean. Then, later on, as I'm doing my early morning confessions now, I had a piece of left over birthday cake. I'm sure that didn't help.

I woke up with my stomach in pain about an hour and 30 minutes ago. Not to be gross, but I went to the bathroom, which didn't help, and felt like I needed to throw up. So I did. That took care of the stomach ache, but of course that doesn't fix the gallbladder attack. That is something that just needs to work off on its own. There isn't a position in the world that makes me comfortable. Its not an acute attack, and my doctor knows this happens to me when I over eat. Her advice - stop doing that. If habits were easier to break, I'd be rich. It feels like a dull ache on my right side, under my breast, and radiates to my back. I guess its like a tooth ache or a dull headache for those who haven't had this experience. All I end up doing is trying to wait it out, and not feel sorry for myself in the process. And actually, I wanted to cry about this, and I couldn't even pull out the tears - I did some fake crying to see if I could get myself to cry, and it didn't work.

To top it off, because I can't sleep right now, and I feel like throwing a temper tantrum, my legs are restless. I just paced back and forth by the side of my bed for a few minutes just burn off the energy. It didn't really help. And when I try to get myself in weird positions to stretch my legs, my gallbladder hurts more.

Did I mention my allergies? Oh yes, after my visit to David on Monday night, they kicked in fully. I don't know if my breathing loosened a few things that were stuck in side of me or what. He had his windows open, the scent of flowers were strong.... so I'm sure I inhaled a lot of pollen while doing my deep breaths that may be causing this. I've been using a saline solution to clean my nostrils, which seems to be helping... but my allergies are not helping me right now.

Geez, I can't win for trying. I just got up to go to the bathroom to pee, after finishing and using the toilet paper, I accidentally dug "myself" with my nail, and now I'm bleeding. They really should tie me to my bed, because it looks like its not going to be my day. I'm taking a mental and physical health day, and staying home from work. This is nuts!

To go back to the eating for a moment... I think I'm not eating enough during the day, which is causing me to eat a lot at night for dinner. Yesterday I had cantaloupe, blackberries and strawberries for breakfast with carrot juice. Then a banana, grapes, and for lunch a green small salad with roasted chicken and a plum. I also had a lot of water and hot green tea. Pretty healthy... then I get home and I'm like a vacuum. I also stress eat... and with everything I'm trying to balance right now, I'm stressed.

Sleep now?

I think the new policy should be that if you have two 10 hour days of training back to back - as the instructor - you should be able to take off the rest of the week... Or at least work the other 20 hours however you want for the rest of the week. But, here I sit, in my cube, arriving at 7:30am. And I want a nap.

Oh well - at least my boss is still on vacation, its quiet until about 9am when some of my other coworkers will roll-in, and I get to work on my homework. Yeah, despite all of this craziness with work, I'm also considered a full-time graduate student. I'm not only working on my practicum with an outside client, I also have a class to prepare for - and we were just told about a huge assignment due today. Luckily I have the time today to work on it, otherwise I would be working hard after work to try to get it finished. But, my actual classwork is over in August, and then I have 2 months to write my final practicum paper, as well as prepare for the comp exam in November! :) Yay

On to the homework... but I think I'm going to get some hot tea first, my allergies are drying me out at night.