Biggest and Best Problem to Have

Time to spill my guts...

Things seem to happen to me at the same time. I was driving to NJ this weekend, and I was reminded of the date, and realized that this time last year started my downward spiral into anxiety. I had a moment of panic, and when I started thinking about what I have to be anxious about, a few different things showed up for me.

First, I'm stressed at work and not currently happy with what I'm doing. Actually, I checked this out with my coworkers, as I mentioned yesterday, and they all feel the same way. We all want to run away somewhere and not show up again. For each of us it is a struggle, and it is not something I carry alone. So I can check that off my list - I'm not going crazy because I don't want to be here. (That is one of the false statements I carry - I "should" be happy at my work all the time and enjoy what I do.)

(Before I go on, I feel like I have to give an explanation - as someone who never felt strong emotions before, when I do feel them, I think I'm going crazy, because I don't know what they are and what is causing them. People who have felt emotions all their life and learned to deal with them, don't have this problem. So I need people around me to keep telling me that I'm normal, and I'm supposed to feel this way.)

Second, I got what I wished for. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the Law of Attraction works. What you ask for and put out in the universe, and mediate on, and feel good vibes about, will be attracted to you. So back in October-November, I was putting out vibes to find my life partner. I did a lot of growing over the last summer months, a lot of determining who I am and wanted to be in life, lived through a lot of emotions and fear, and got to the other side where I felt ready. Now I have him, my Johnny, and I'm scared to death.

I did something I would not normally do with a guy I'm really interested in - I shared my inner self. I explained how stressed and anxious I was feeling about all of my work for school and my job, and how I was afraid that the stress would cause me to melt into anxiety again... I cried - for a good few hours, sharing all the things I worry about - and I basically let him into the wall that I've built around myself. He cried too. He first cried for me, then he cried for his own worries about his parents and their health. Then we decided that we needed to get out of bed, go do something fun, and stop laying there crying.

So here's the problem. I just realized this weekend that I am falling in love, I've let someone into the secret sanctuary of my inner-self, and now I'm scared to death. Why? Because this means I'm growing up, and my inner child is scared shitless about it. She's actually throwing a temper tantrum and wants to hide under the blankets until its all figured out and she doesn't have to deal with it. Growing up sucks. Because with it comes all sorts of responsibility.

I've also lived in the land of someday.... Someday I would fall in love, someday I would own a house, someday I would do this... and surprise - someday is here. And its scaring me to death. John and I talked about getting our own place next summer. (I also have "shoulds" about when it is too soon to talk about these sorts of things, and if relationships seem to be moving too fast - which I'm working against right now too. Entering into this conversation with him and entertaining the idea broke my "should" about this.) That means I have to move out of my house and actually become an adult, not the facade of an adult that I put on. I seem to be two people - the one at work is a total adult - hell, I teach other people how to be adults. Then there is this inner kid who isn't ready to leave her mommy. Then there is Mommy who doesn't want to let me go - because she likes to take care of people and this is the first time she won't have someone to take care of, and has no idea how to do that. (Those were her words last night when I was sharing this with her.) My initial reaction to this - my animal gut - tells me to run away. To go hide somewhere and not deal with it. Its all scary monsters and I need my teddy bear, my blanket, cheese or chocolate, a knitting project, and somewhere to hide where no one can find me.

My gut wants me to maintain status quo - where life doesn't move forward, and life is suspended in time - where none of these things have to happen. Yet that is not what life is. I'm at the biggest turning point and growth of my life - and it is scary as hell.

Most people go through this at a younger age, which leads to a judgement about myself being too old to feel this way and to grow up.

I think the theme of LOST is helpful here - I just need to "let go" and "let it happen" and enjoy it. Reframing is helpful, as this is something that everyone goes through - it is arrogant of me to think that no one has felt this way. But my other habit, my habit of impatience, wants me to have it NOW - and not wait. I'm always looking for the end result, and not too willing to let the ride happen. Example: I'm already looking for PhD programs - my next thing - before I'm even finished my MSOD. This external focus of satisfaction reminds me that I need to get in touch with my internal and spiritual self. That's where true happiness and joy are, not with more achievements. But my need for achievements are driven by my desire to be perfect. Then I question, since I never dated someone like John before, is he going to help or hinder my desire for achievements.

Ahhh... so there is my true learning. I'm too worried about being perfect and living the perfect life, that I am almost willing to run away from the "greatest love of all" and hide. But the truth is, with that kind of love, completeness will find me - and being whole and complete is the true mission in life, not perfection.

So what do I do with myself while my ego is trying to remove the idea of perfection? Because my ego fights it. I read a book once that mentioned that when you are growing and changing, your ego will fight you each step of the way - through fear and anxiety - because it doesn't like to grow and change. It wants to be in control. Like me, I like to be in control - and fear and anxiety mean that I'm not in control. But I can't control growth.