Appeasing

Grrrr... I'm sitting at work, as my mom is following me up to Edgewood tonight so I can drop my car off for its service. Nothing is wrong with it, it just needs an oil change, etc. It's so quiet in here, which is interesting to work in silence.

Who am I kidding? I haven't been working all afternoon. I put together a few reports, but that was about it. I shouldn't complain as I was so kick-ass busy at the end of January that I needed the break. It's good to have ebb and flow with work, in my opinion.

I've been reading more of the book Courage to be Yourself and I got to the chapter on Appeasement. I saw myself in a few of the stories the author was sharing to explain the behaviors for the topic. The one that caught me was the following:

"I recently watched a friend try repeatedly to mollify her husband. She had wanted to go to a concert, and he agreed to go with her. During the performance, she kept checking with him to see if he was enjoying it. If she sensed that he was disgruntled, she would rub his back and talk cajoling to him as if to say, "Please, please enjoy yourself, so that I can enjoy myself." Later she became aware of the fear that had prompted her behavior. Whenever her husband disapproves, he withdraws into icy moodiness or uses verbal ridicule. She felt if he were bored, she would have hell to pay for suggesting they go. Her life with him is a vicious circle: the fear of his reaction causes her to appease him, which in turn makes her mad at herself and him." (pg. 94)

I have found myself in the position of personally feeling responsible if an activity I selected stinks. I want the person to like me so much (friends, family, lovers, etc.) that I think so carefully before I ask someone to go somewhere. And I constantly check in to make sure they are having a good time, because I don't want it to reflect badly on me.

My cousin was talking about this with me awhile back when we were talking about relationships. I get this trait from my mother. She always had to be home when my dad got home and do everything in her power to make sure he was happy... even though he cheated on her crazily. I try not to do it too, but I find myself going out of the way to please and appease. I want the approval, I want the reward that I will and am liked.

Because of this, I've relished in my ENFP of being overly flexible and open to possibilities. I'm naturally inclined to those traits because of my personality type, and with the added behavioral upbringing of appeasing, it over extends itself. With the appeasement, I never know what I want to do, but I know what the answer is to make someone else happy. Then I normally weigh what would make someone else happy, determine if I can compromise over it, and flex to go with it. I'm really good at rationalizing everything away into a nice and neat package of non-congruence.

More things to ponder... but now I get to go meet my mom with my car! hehe