Shakes her head at male behavior

I'll be 30 years old in 2 months, and I don't understand the male species anymore than I did when I was turning 20. I'm a student of human nature and personality, and enjoy helping people change behaviors that are harmful to them, but I still get confused by the male actions.

I'm still on eharmony's mailing list even though I don't use their services. I got their newsletter this morning with the title article something like, "why successful women can't find great men." The byline was something like, "why does it always seem that the women who are helpless and not all together get the good ones." I can't access the article from work, but I'm looking forward to reading it later tonight from home. I just got into a conversation about this with my friend on Saturday night. He's not looking for a relationship and asked me how I felt about the subject. I explained that I normally have an interesting response from men... then I thought more about it even farther later, and I came up with the 3-4 cases that normally happen to me when I get involved with men:

Case 1 -

Behaviors:
They are captivated by my personality and want to be around me, but my physical appearance does nothing for them. This normally puts me in the friend zone with some transparent boundaries because for whatever reason I suck them into my personality and they want to be close to me, visit with me, take me places - but then it's like they wake up from the dream 1/2 way through and realize they aren't attracted to me. To counter-act that, they have to look at me as "one of the guys."

My Response:
Normally I keep to my position in the friend zone and not try to expand my role beyond that. I know my role and play it well. I try to be "one of the guys" because I enjoy them and their company.

Number of Guy Friends currently like this: 1 and 1/2 (I have one that fits in Case 1 and 2)

Case 2 -

Behaviors:
These guys want to keep me in the friend zone as well, but they love the fact that I'm a woman. They flirt, tease, cuddle, hug, and celebrate the fact that I am not one of the guys. It's almost like dating, but there's not physical affection shared beyond the cuddle and hug or quick pecky kisses. They are completely comfortable going out with me alone, and not worried about other people thinking we are together or not. They too seem to be captivated by my personality, and I easily get lost in conversation with them.

My Response:
These are the guys I call when I need affirmation or a date to an event. They are also great to curl up on the couch with to watch a movie, and it's fun to be in a "no pressure" friendship with them.

Number of Guy friends currently like this: 2 and 1/2

Out of the friend zone and into dating...

Case 3 -

Behaviors:
These guys are, for lack of better word, "intimidated" by me. I don't need them, and they don't know how to handle that. They don't yet know what an adult mature relationship looks like, and when I don't try to control them, tell them what to do, and respond in a very calm and logical way, they become afraid. They are so used to dealing with women who give them unlimited drama, they think that I am "unreal" and are constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. They also get bored with me because I don't bring the drama. They also don't need to "take care of me" or "solve any problems" for me, and don't know what to do about that.

My Response:
Normally this relationship doesn't last very long, or I spend the majority of the time defending myself because they really don't believe what I say. They are still under the impression that I can't really be giving them all the freedom that I am, and they think it's a trap. There is also sometimes this fear that I am more successful then they are.

Guys this has happened to me with: 3

Case 4 -

Behaviors:
They don't think they are "good enough" for me. I don't mean money, smarts, or class, I mean literally "good". They think that they've done these bad things, or seen hard times, and are this harsh asshole that has no business being with someone so sweet, nice, and good. They are afraid of "ruining me" (direct quote), and break up with me because "I deserve better."

These guys also like to tell me what kind of guy I need - "you need someone who is really really nice and sweet, goes to church, mild mannered, non-challenging..." BORING!

My Response:
That is the biggest load of bullshit that I have ever been given, and I get it a lot. For one, if they knew anything about me, they would know that I'm very forgiving and affirming - all that matters is the here and now, not what they did in the past. Second, my society face that I display is not the true me. It's been drilled into my head what a lady should do and act like in public, and I can't "not act" that way. I have social graces and I know how to share pleasantries - I'm nice. But I'm pretty sure people would be shocked at the internal dialog in my head and how well trained I am at holding it together. I also volunteer at my church (which just adds to the problem for them anyway), so all I need is to run into one of the family members while I'm not behaving like a lady, and there goes my reputation with the church. And, they aren't even "bad"... these guys aren't jerks.

As for the type of guy they say I need - it's incorrect. They have no idea how bored out of my mind I would be. I like to be mentally challenged and stimulated, I want someone to be strong enough that I can trust to take control and not have to be the one always in charge. I want someone who is going to stand-up to me, and tell me when I'm wrong and be bossy sometimes. I want someone who has a "dark side" and is a little dangerous - but is an employed upstanding citizen. I gave my list before on here, so I won't go into that again, but my list does not say BORING and WEAK!

Guys this has happened to me with: 6

So, what does this mean for me?

Well, I am the type of person that always points the finger at herself before pointing it elsewhere. It's up to me to uncover what it is about myself that always attracts those types of guys, and how I am contributing to the problem. And, why am I attracted to them? Am I emotionally available to have a deep and lasting relationship, or am I intentionally sabotaging myself to save myself from potential heartache?