I'm busy

So, I'm dating 3 guys, doing homework, working full time on a huge highly visible project, maintaining friendships, and knitting a new sweater vest thingy. Plus exercising, meditating, and taking yoga. And having really vivid dreams. And there I was, a few months ago, worried that I wouldn't have a life and I'd waste away to nothing after 30. And that I'd be alone!

My new challenge is to get a handle on my spiritual and personal life and enhance it as much as my career-life is enhanced. I'm totally in control in my career-life. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I'm damn good at what I do. I'm confident, earnest, and yet totally loving everything that I am doing. Its one place in my life where I feel totally in control and successful.

My new found spirituality has been amazing. Actually, it's not newly found. I had it years ago, but I lost it along the way. I'm spiritually feeling what I felt then, which is an openness around my heart and an energy in my soul that is just open to the world. I was driving home from my date on Tuesday night, on 95 looking over toward the city, and I found myself not struck by the buildings, but the idea that there are people in there, trying to live their lives and make their way. I felt connected to everyone. I actually was so touched that I wanted to cry and try to make everyone better. But I knew that I could only do that by making myself better. It truly was a holy moment.

As for my personal life, my romantic life, I don't know where to begin. I escaped the trials of growing up in a divorced home with sick grandparents and a cheating father and a hurt mother by reading romance novels. I've talked about this before, but its given me a warped sense of what I'm looking for. I want my eyes to connect across the table at theirs and hear a choir of angels, I want our lips to touch and feel a spark of electricity shoot through my entire body. I'm not talking about arousal, I'm talking about the knowing that something I've been waiting for has been found.

But when reality sets in, it doesn't work like that. Yet some people describe it that way, so I know it does happen for some people. I've been on two dates with two of the guys, and I have to tell you that I haven't felt the spark, nor heard the choir. One is gun-shy, because he's been married before to a terrible woman and had a horrible divorce. He doesn't want anything serious yet, but he communicates with me constantly. However I can see the struggle within him to protect his heart from moving too quickly and going after what he wants. The one last night, it was a great date, but he's incredibly shy and tentative. I had to contain myself, because I'm not sure if he can really hold his own against me.

Its weird, I feel like everything I just wrote I can share with the one from last night, F. But the one who wants to talk to me all the time, wants to be in contact with me, all of what I just wrote would go over his head. Maybe if I make a tv show about it, he'd get it. The third one, M, would get it, add insight to it, I feel like the spark would be there, but I can't get over the fact that he looks like my uncle. But I am going to go out with him again.

And yet, through it all, I continue to say my loving-kindness prayer, and have faith that it will happen.