Physician Heal Thyself

The old adage that people go into psychology or medicine to understand/heal those around them or themselves is pretty much true, or at least in my case.

As I went through my T-group experience, and have been doing my readings for my upcoming class this weekend, I'm starting to piece together the puzzle that is "me".

I seem to have revelations while in the bathroom, and while in the tub on Thursday night shaving my legs, I seemed to put it all together.

Here's one theory of Amy; I'm sure there are many more:

I learned in T-group that I became an adult very quickly in my childhood through family circumstances. And when I should have been protected emotionally from some of the stuff I had to deal with, I wasn't. (Maybe this is why I'm attracted to alpha males, I feel they are strong enough to protect me, so for once I don't have to protect someone else.) I was always told to be a little lady, and wasn't allowed to act out or act pretty much in any other way then a small adult. I played, but it was during certain times, and I was expected to be mature all other times.

Part of being an adult, or so I was taught, meant not showing emotion, and having to deal with unpleasant things by disassociating from the emotional aspect of it. Adults do what they have to do, even when they don't want to. I became very responsible, and the "rock" that everyone in my family counts on to make sure things got done. I learned how to be very calm and rational, as someone had to be, and use logic to solve the problems.

My grandmother taught me the habit of eating. We ate when we were happy, we ate when we were sad, and we ate when anything really happened. I remember coming home from school, and she would make me something to eat because "this will make you feel better". Therefore, I'm an emotional eater.

Putting all of that together, here's my self diagnosis:

Because I didn't have an emotional shield when I was a child, I built my own physical armour out of weight by stuffing down my emotions with food.

So what does that look like? Well, I'm not a big eater, I eat what anyone else "normal sized" eats, and I don't sneak food. A typical day of eating for me is - a packet of instant oatmeal for breakfast, 10:30am I have a healthy granola bar, 12:30pm a Lean Cuisine and some fruit, 3:30pm another piece of fruit, and dinner around 7:30pm of 2 veggies and a lean piece of meat.

When does the emotional eating happen? Well, let's say I get fired up at work about something. Usually I'm bitching about it out loud in the car, talking to myself all the way home. I march into the house, into the kitchen and grab too cookies and stuff them down. At that point, the sugar kicks in, and I feel fine, all of my anger is gone. If I'm happy, I do the same thing, and have celebration cookies. If it's not the end of the day, and I'm stressed or anxious about a project, I'm on the prowl for chocolate at the vending machines at work. If I have to give feedback to someone that isn't going to be pleasant, I'm looking for a snack. In meetings, where it isn't polite to eat, and it becomes stressful, I start chugging my water bottle.

Anytime I feel like I have to be the "bigger person" and handle myself "appropriately", I stuff something in my mouth to hold the emotion in and not let it out.

How do I change this habit?

Well, the first step is recognizing that I have a problem. Which I just did. The next small step is to replace the bad food with good stuff (water) while I work on handling my emotions and recognizing them. Sometimes I don't even know I feel something, I'm so used to controlling it. I control it by rationalizing the other person's behavior and saying that they have no idea what their impact is - they aren't thinking before they speak. However, my reactions are my own, not someone else's fault - I'm well aware of that. I'm going to start labeling my emotions when I feel them, to recognize them and bring them into awareness. My "core of rot" as Seashore calls it, or the "shadow" of me, as Jung calls it, needs to be recognized for what it is.

More things to ponder ....