Pattern recognition

For all of those following along at home, I had to write two papers this past class on pattern recognition in my own life. Well, I just saw one of them in the last 10 minutes, and I'm pissed.

So, I'm very angry about this Pug situation that I mentioned earlier. And I'm sure he reads my blog (I'm assuming) and is doing it on purpose, because his twisted sense of humor works like that.

Here's the pattern:

Step 1 - I get angry, or pissed. And justify my anger in my mind.

Step 2 - I then rationalize my anger away, because I have no right to be angry over the situation.

Step 3 - I have a need to send a biting comment or sarcastic remark, to let him know I see him, and in the hopes that he'll realize and recognize that he wouldn't even be having such good fortune if he didn't steal my idea in the first place. I was the one who wanted pugs, and I was the one who suggested the breed. And, he knows how much I want them, and that I can't have them because no one is home to be with them. So if he's going to blurt it out all over facebook about how he's getting them, when he knows I'm on there, then it feels like a slap in the face.

Step 4 - I justify to myself again that me sending a biting comment is not my place, and I just should be mature and ignore it.

Step 5 - To pacify my anger and admission to feeling something so strongly, I go on a search for comfort food to physically suppress the emotion from escaping. Not finding anything.

Step 6 - When I realize what I'm doing, as I catch myself looking in my lunch bag, I get pissed again that my pattern is triggered, and I let that rat bastard trigger me, and I blog about it, in hopes of gaining release.

My pattern is the constant internal teeter-totter of acting mature and throwing a temper tantrum because my feelings were hurt. Because I know what I should be doing - acting graciously and maturely, I eat to suppress my temper tantrum.

Well... no more eating for me. Part of change is recognizing it, and I can feel the rage in me. It is actually swirling in my chest, and as I write it's dissolving.

I really need to get back to the gym, because that is usually what helps me. I have 100 lbs to lose, and I'm going to do it.

So what am I going to do - what I always do. Ignore him and the situation, and not let anyone see how this is upsetting me.