Paper writing and other thoughts

I had a pretty good weekend: went out with my mom to see The Proposal, talked to my awesome friend Sam, picked up a new book to read on enlightenment, and worked on my paper for class. I'm almost finished the paper, as I have about 2 more sections to get through before I can call it done. I have to finish it by Thursday since I'm going to be away on vacation the next week.

Ohhhhhhhhhh Vacation.... how I love vacation. I'm going on a mini cruise with my Mom to Nassau and NCL's private island over the weekend - Friday to Monday. We are leaving from Miami on Friday. Then I spend the rest of the week, leaving on Wednesday morning, with Sam in Austin. Gosh, I can't wait to go and see him! It's going to be so much fun! I love seeing new places, and just having fun! He has a special place in my heart!

So what have I been pondering about in my life... well, I was talking to April (my classmate) about this last week. I'm bored. I've spent so much time just focused on making my career, getting educated, hitting my goals that I feel like I missed out on having fun. I also feel like I missed out on building really good friendships with other people. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but I started to see that is part of what is missing from my life. My friends met mates, which I don't fault them for, and I love their mates, but that person became their go-to person, and I faded in the background as I became so engrossed in my career and life. Then I woke up around my 30th birthday and realized that while most everyone has someone else, I don't. I'm not necessarily talking about a mate, I'm just talking about someone to call and shoot the breeze with, or someone to run to the mall with. That person for me has been my mother, whom I love very much. But as I get older I need more relationships than just with my mother. I need close friendships. This is no one's fault, it's life and it happens, but I just need to get out there and start reviving the friendships.

One of my circles of intentions that I created was about having intimate relationships with deep love. I don't necessarily mean sexual relationships with that, I mean good friendships that just warm the heart so much that it hurts. Someone I can share all my secrets with. I need to start sharing... and I have that to some degree with my friends now, I just need to develop that more. I also need some single friends, and I'm starting on that path at school with April and Nidhi. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. They are trying to live their lives too, and are going through the same crap that I am.

New question to ask

Yoga last night was wonderful... we had a lot of beginners in the class, so everything was very slow and guided. I love the meditation at the end, and I just feel so relaxed and calm after doing it. It's almost as good as sex for me. Although, it's not exactly the same thing.. hehe

I did ask my therapist the question, and I am on the right track. Putting this all into perspective has really shown me that I freaked out over something that wasn't that significant. I had a midlife crisis. But I think it was a wake-up call for me to realize that I'm human. I've lived in a safe bubble, blocking out all of the unpleasant aspects of life, and to be faced with it scared the shit out of me. I've become much more sensitive to everything, and it saddens me so much to hear about how poorly others are treating each other. The news kills me at night, and I've taken to not watching it. I knew it before, but I never paid attention.

I've also started trying to get out of my head and into my body. I can't identify what emotions I'm feeling when asked. I honestly don't know. I can tell you what I'm thinking, and if those thoughts are related to emotion in anyway - i.e. I think he's a jerk, therefore I must be feeling upset. I agree with the idea that there are only two basic emotions, fear and love. And all of the other words we use to describe emotions are stemming from those basic feelings. I've only lived in the "love" emotion. Always blocking and brain-handling the "fear" emotions. Rationalization is the key to my survival. However that isn't authentic to my body and my emotions. People always say that to look inside of their heads is a scary thing, but I can honestly say that my brain is working 24/7. I'm never without a thought, and if I'm not thinking about something important then I'm singing a song in my head. It's always on. Yoga meditation helps it to stop.

One way that I want to change is by starting to put myself first. Talking with my therapist last night, we found a trigger question that I can use to help me do that. Because of my strong sense of duty, catholic upbringing, guilt, and my MBTI score, I am compelled to put other people's needs before mine. I can't "not" do it. But she reminded me that everything is a choice, and I can control it. The breaks and free-love that I give other people to be human isn't something that I give myself. I need to be perfect. Or, I needed to be perfect up until this minute. So the new question for me to ask just when I'm about to judge myself or be self-limiting is, "what would I do for someone else in this situation?" and then do it for myself.

what is it?

I have my appointment with my therapist tonight and I'm going to talk to her about if I'm doing the right thing. I really got energized this weekend with my classmates about how I want to change my life, as they are all going through something similar to what I am going through. (Interesting side note that very similar people were all drawn to this same program.)

So, most of my conversation in my head is about how I want to change myself, what that would look like, and dreaming about my vacation. Is that what I should be doing? I've never known I had mild depression before or anxiety, and I'm not sure what I should be focusing on to fix it. I have a lot of energy and happiness around changing myself, which in definition means I'm not depressed, and I haven't had any anxiety attacks. Am I fixed? Because I've been told that the medication doesn't work that fast... I've only been taking it for a week and 1/2, and it needs about 30 days. Plus I'm on a really low dose. So if it's not the meds, I'm feeling better on my own, then all of this was just an outrageous over-reaction to feeling intense emotion. And my over-reaction was what brought on more anxiety, because that isn't like me to over-react. I really thought I was going crazy. Hopefully my therapist can shed some light on the subject.

On another note, I'm starting a yoga class this evening. I cannot wait! My body feels so good after yoga...

Going for the cupcake

I've been focused lately on my patterns that have limited me in my lifetime and trying to figure out how to change it.

I started randomly asking people that if they were at a party, and there was the last cupcake on the table, and they really wanted it, would they take it? (The cupcake can be translated to whatever their favorite thing is.) Most people say yes, or they would ask everyone first and then take it. For me, the answer is no.

My strongest asset is my life-limiting weakness. I meet my own needs on my own. Using the cupcake example, I wouldn't touch it, even if I really wanted it, as I would rationalize that if I really wanted it, I could stop on the way home and pick-up one. I should leave that cupcake for someone who really wants it at the party, and doesn't have the resources or will-power to stop on the way home and pick-up their own.

So how does this translate to life? I never take what I want when I am with other people, I put their needs first, and never express my wants. I always figure that it's more important to spend time with the person, and whatever I want I can get on my own afterwards. This eventually leaves me in relationships living separate lives, where I do my own thing and we always do what the other person wants when we are together. Every guy's dream? Some would say yes, but then I become passive-aggressive, snippy, and sarcastic, because I'm not ever getting what I want, and they aren't checking in with me to ask. But I'm afraid that if I ask, I'll get rejected and lose them. It really is a horrible cycle where I end up only meeting people at the point they are willing to give, and then having to make up the time and put in extra work to cover the distance to meet them there. I end up resenting those that I want to love. Then working extra time on my own to make sure I'm getting what I need.

Stating what I want and expect is really scary for me. I have a high-need to be liked, and rationally I know that's bullshit. That not everyone will like you all the time, but I have to get out of the mindset that I'd rather take what I can get opposed to nothing at all. Something is not better than nothing - it's not working for me anymore.

Step 1

Last night I did my first step toward putting my own needs first. It felt really good!

It's a long story, but it'll help me write it out. I met B. online back in 2000. It was when everyone was getting aim and you can search for people to chat with. He found me one day, and we struck up a friendship. And that is just what it was for about 4 years. After 4 years we decided to meet in person, and I flew to his hometown to meet him. We hit it off right away, and I even enjoyed meeting his girlfriend. A few months later, another guy I was talking to online wouldn't get the hint of going away, he kept changing his screen name and talking to me. I lied and told him that I was dating B. I told B. just so he knew what was going on, and I wanted to complain about the other guy. B. had just broken up with his girlfriend (not because of me) and said that we could actually make that to be true... we could be together, and he liked me.

Thus the romance began. He came to visit me, I went back to visit him, and we had long drawn out conversations about our future. He always told me that he didn't know what the future would bring, but if it works out we'd be together. I fell for it. We were friends with lots of interest toward each other. Then a natural disaster happened and he had to move north. He met someone in his new college, and in doing so, broke my heart. I was angry, but like I mentioned about my pattern, I stuffed it down, tried to be an adult about it, and maintain the friendship. We didn't really talk while he was with her, because I didn't want to hear it. I was bitter. But I "did the right thing" and tried to be friends anyway. They broke up about a year and 1/2 later. She broke his heart. He moved back home, and started over.

I have tried to do the right thing and maintain the friendship. We call on holidays and catch up via text message off and on. B. came to see me in January, and the sexual interest we always had was still there, and I actually slept with him. I figured, so what - we're friends, I'm over it.

Fast forward to last night. I heard from him earlier in the day via text msg, he wanted to know how I was doing. He doesn't know about any of my recent personal emotional drama. I told him it was too much too txt and we'd chat, as a lot has been going on. I got home last night and while mowing the lawn, I started thinking about him. And I got really angry. Why? Because he was one of the people that I suppressed my emotions about in honor of doing the "right thing" in order to maintain the friendship. I never told him how angry I was, or hurt, or how rejected I felt by him going out with her. He knew I wasn't happy, but not to what extent. I never shared it, because I didn't want to be rejected. I took what I could get from him, and tried to make that enough. I never gave him my expectations. Frankly, I didn't want to talk to him last night.

He called, and my first Step was ignoring his phone call. The old Amy would have taken it, stuffed down her anger, and pretended that everything was okay in order to maintain the relationship. She would have acted happy on the phone, and would have been really supportive to him and his issues, but never really shared her own. She wouldn't have been authentic.

I feel guilty. He doesn't know any of this, and it's almost unfair to share it with him now, 5 years later. So here I am, stuck in situations where I am friends with men who I have had strong interest in, never shared my expectations with them, and I've been living a lie in order to keep them in my life. I always felt that some contact with them is better than no contact. Now I'm not so sure. Every time I see them it reminds me that I wasn't right for them, but I'm good enough to be their best friend and confidant. Why?

Feeling better

Talking to my therapist, I learned a few things about myself that I think I knew, but didn't want to acknowledge. In relationships I have learned to be invisible and indispensable. That way I don't get rejected. However, that hasn't been working for me for a long time, but I didn't know any other way.

I'm naturally nice and caring; however I have been living for other people for so long that I don't know what I need or want for myself. And if I have an idea, I'm so afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be rejected or lose the love. So I take what I can get from other people, never ask for what I need, and try to fulfill myself the best way I can. But it isn't working. So I'm learning to ask for what I want and need, and not put myself on the back-burner anymore. It was ingrained in me that asking for what I want is selfish, and selfish is not a good thing to be. But it's not selfish, it's fair.

I had a really good weekend at school. It felt so good to connect with so many women who are going through the same things I am, or have went through it. Apparently everyone is searching to find out who they are... I've always tried to be perfect by pretending to know what that is. That's my other issue, I have a need to be perfect. But no human is... that was hard to learn. I knew that, and I probably told other people that, but I never believed it. I always felt that I have to be more than the average bear, so that I would get the love. Failure means rejection to me.

But all of that is going to change... slowly. I'm reinventing myself, and it is exciting. But also very scary. Because before when I knew exactly what the path was, now I have no idea. All I can do is live each day and see what happens... I don't like not knowing. It makes me irritated and inpatient. So I'm relearning patience with myself.

I don't know how I got to the point where I thought humanity didn't apply to me. That it was okay for everyone else to be human and go through emotions and be a screw-up if they wanted, but I couldn't. I used to be filled with such indignation about that. I've had the thought, "here I am being perfect for you, doing whatever you wanted and asked, and you choose someone else who can't even hold it together..." Then I'd blame myself.

Anyway... now I'm trying to figure out who I want to be! Who is that person that I see?

Feeling Raw

On the good side, I got my test results back from my blood work from my doctor, and I am completely healthy! Pretty good for a plus-sized gal! Which means that I do not have a chemical imbalance, I'm just going through a rough time.

I think the meditation knocked down my protective wall. Things that don't normally bother me, for instance stories on the news, that I would normally block out and hardly pay attention to, I now feel emotional about. I never liked it when people were hurt or abused, my gosh, that bothered me even as a little girl - but I was always able to stay unemotional about it, and block it. I can't seem to do that anymore.

I know I bring these things on myself. I had written in a few papers of mine for class that I want to start feeling... that I normally feel numb because I rationalize everything. I only let myself feel happy, or up until now I only let myself feel happy. Now it seems that I am feeling everything. I also asked to start feeling in my prayers. It's like the flood gate is now open. Is this what normal people feel like?

I am apparently a very emotional and sensitive woman. who knew? But my logic and reason haven't been lost... they are in there too - I just need to find balance.

Unresolved

So, I've been working a lot of things out in my head as I'm working through the anxiety. I was able to get rid of my irrational fear of dying, as I realized that it is a decision people make - it's not something that comes over them when they are going about their day and overtakes them. I'm not ever going to make that decision. When the Lord is ready to take me, that's the only way I'll go. So there is nothing for me to be afraid of in that regard. However, now I've noticed that I can be thinking of nothing and I'll get the anxious feeling in my stomach... it will go away. It helps when I do some deep breathing or yoga... but last night I had the oddest experience. I really think I can feel other people's anxiety. I was fine and enjoying a tv show, my cousin called and was talking to my mother - and I felt anxious. Why? Well, my cousin called my mother because she was feeling anxious about a situation and I could hear her kinda through the phone. Am I feeling her stuff? What is that about?

I'm also starting to get angry. Really angry at myself for feeling this way. Yes, I know it's natural to feel blue sometimes, but I'm mad that I was choosing to wallow and feel pitiful instead of fighting. I always fight. I've started fighting again. But I'm still going to therapy, and my meds have really helped with the thoughts.

Now that my head is more clear, I'm starting to figure out what this is all about. Turning 30 has left me unresolved. There is no other word I can use to describe it. It's got me thinking "now what?" or "what's next?" I feel like this is the time to make decisions about the future, but I don't know why I feel that way. I still want graduation, a house, puppies, and kids, and I will get those things. But there seems like there should be more. Even in that perfect picture there is something missing, and I don't know what. I have always been happy being with myself, as I had resolved early in life that I was probably going to be single forever. But I don't like that. I want my life partner. The ironic thing is that I don't feel like looking for him. I don't get that. I'm usually one to search endlessly for something if I want it... but I'm not searching for him. The thought of going out on meaningless dates without any real connection is boring and much too job-like. I would much rather go out with an amazing guy friend and talk into the wee hours of the morning and just feel connected. That feels so much more like home and comfort to me then trying to impress some guy with my witty banter and flirting skills. Don't get me wrong, I like the flirting and teasing, but only when it's authentic and not forced.

I've also stopped going on Facebook and Okcupid in the evenings. It bores me. Yes, I want to know what is going on in the life of my friends, but I'd rather read it from a personal email, not a status update. Okcupid just makes me crazy. They send me all of these matches and none of them ever seem to match. The quizzes are fun, but the only person I ever met on there that I have a real connection with is my friend Sam. For that, I will always be grateful to the website, but otherwise - won't be back much.

I also have a lot of unresolved anger and grief inside of me. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and I love it, but it saddens me to know that I haven't dealt with a lot of things which are rearing their heads now. Maybe I shouldn't have done that meditation, but at least it's forcing me to deal with things in a very real way. Once I've dealt with them I'll be cleaned out. The idea of being open and pure inside of me is so empowering. That's when the joy can shine in, that's when attraction can happen.

Long post coming....

So, let's talk about the truth. Being truthful about myself and truthful about how I'm feeling.

The truth is I've been suffering an amazing amount of mental anxiety and anguish because I've been feeling blue. I would get myself worked up and anxious because for some reason the script in my head that I have had since a child is that people who are unhappy want to die, and I don't want to die. So I thought it would make me want to die and I would be out of control and couldn't save myself.

I finally figured it all out last Monday, on the way home from a client site in the tunnel. I figured out what the fear was, the fear of losing control of myself. That made me even more anxious, which continued to cause the anxiety attacks. You know, (I'm joking here) some people have fears of things that cause them stress - planes, spiders, etc... but can I be normal? No, I have to fear myself! I joke about it now, but my brain is too smart for itself. It keeps working until it solves a problem which was driving me crazy and making me afraid.

Anyway... I spoke with my therapist about it, and she recommended getting into my doctor right away to get some meds. Then that scared me. Why? Because one possible side effect is a worsening of the anxiety and depression, which could cause suicidal thoughts. That was what I was so afraid of, and here they are giving me medicine that may cause it. I had to face the hurdle.

So I started taking my meds on Saturday. I had a small anxiety attack on the bus up to Atlantic City, but it was the same fear that I've been having. That I wasn't going to get better, I was going to spiral into a pit of despair, and there wasn't going to be help for me. But then by the afternoon I felt better. Actually, by 9pm that night I felt like the old me, that I was so happy. I cried tears of joy, because I was back.

Sunday I had some uncomfortableness in the morning, but by afternoon I was feeling amazing... then I would remember that I was taking meds, the thought would come back for a second and then float away.

Today, I feel so much better. I feel safe enough, in the sense that I am in control enough, to work with my therapist to deal with the funk I've been feeling. What is the funk that I've been feeling? I don't know. I have a lot of repressed anger and rejection that I have been stuffing down for 30 years. Things that happened in my child-hood, things that happened in my adult-hood, and some really unfair things that happened to me. I've always said, "Oh well, such is life" and moved on. I always put my nose down, internalized it, and never let it bother me. What did that get? That got a child who wouldn't cry at her grandparent's funeral, but the minute she stumps her toe outside would cry like the world was going to end.

I don't ever believe in a pity party or a victim mentality, but my coping mechanism is over-rationalization. Something bad happens, and my first thought of why I feel sad about it is that because I had unreasonable expectations. I shouldn't have put stock in something that I couldn't control, so it's my own fault that I am sad. Or, I didn't see it right, I thought it was more than it was, and I was living the fantasy of the truth, opposed to the truth, which is my fault for being whimsical in that way. I never place blame where blame belongs. I think that's because I hold the belief that people don't intentionally mean to hurt me, they just didn't know what I was expecting.

But why don't I share what I'm expecting or my authentic self with them? Well, because I have a belief that they don't want it. My experience, until now, is the belief that people don't want anything more than superficial relationships with me. I don't know if that is true or not, but my evidence is that I project this happy-go-lucky facade and no one ever gets to see the truth behind it. I also push on because I think that's the adult thing to do. I've been an adult since I've been a little girl, and not throwing temper tantrums, getting mad, being selfish, all of those things that children do, was my way of being mature and an adult. And I got rewarded for it. But it's left a bunch of shit trapped inside of me that I've never dealt with.

I had to learn to block the bad things. I'm sensitive. My role in the family is to be the strong one. I'm the one that sees it all, knows the other is suffering, and I hold it together when they can't. I protect them when they can't protect themselves. That's how I learned to march forward with such strong resolve and little emotion. Because if I let myself feel it, then I would fall apart too, and there would be no protection. I also take on other people's emotions. I can usually feel the intense "negative" ones, and I experience the emotion with them. I've learned to block it over the years to remain in control. But I got to a point where I couldn't block it any more. It is the right time to face it all. And what better way to do it than when you turn 30?

I'm surrounded by great friends and family, I have wonderful work and a great learning experience, so this is the time to clean me out. I'm sure I'll be talking about this when I'm older, to my kids and grand kids - "when I turned 30, I finally cleaned myself out, and learned to truly accept me."

That's really what it is about for me. Acceptance. I don't want to feel like I have to hold it all together anymore. I want to be authentic and still get love, and not feel like I have to please everyone to get it. I don't want to mold myself anymore to be whoever it is that each person expects me to be.

Yes, I am a bubbly, fun-loving type who thinks every cloud has a silver lining, and that's not going to change. But now I'm going to be real.

Music Festival Weekend

I had a great weekend spent outside, but it sucked that not many people came to the music festival at my church. It wasn't even a religious event. There were two jazz/funk bands and one zydeco band. The weather was great, yummy food, and no one! I think there were more volunteers there than customers! Oh well, at least I got to listen to the music.

I also saw The Hangover this weekend - hysterical! I highly recommend it... I laughed and laughed. Ironically, my mom even thought it was hysterical. I didn't know if she would appreciate the raunchy humor, but she did.

I found another Yoga class that I am going to take all summer.... I can't wait until it starts toward the end of June. I love getting into the practice, it just feels so good - everywhere. I'm flexible to begin with, and to stretch and just let the mind be at peace is so heavenly. I'm so relaxed afterward that my jaw is even slack and my hips roll so easily. I can only equate it to the rain drop therapy massage that I love. During and after that I was literally drooling because I was so relaxed. I'm just a touchy feely kinda woman, the power of touch can be so relaxing and intoxicating.

Fearlessly

I had my second meeting with my therapist this morning, and I really get a kick out of her! We talked more about the book, Power of Now, and now we are working on me living fearlessly. We also had an interesting discussion on pseudo-relationships. Its amazing how those form, and how easily people fall into them.

Anyway, I had a yummy lunch. I stopped at BK and got the new burger shots - love them! They had these many years ago when I was a kid, and I'm glad they are back. Very good!

Another Toxic Work Environment...

I did two focus groups yesterday afternoon and I swear the poison would have gotten me if I wasn't on guard. These people are TOXIC. They wouldn't know a silver lining if it tap-danced on their head.

I really don't understand that attitude. I finally had to stop them at the end and say, "Look, the first step of making anything better is taking a look at ourselves. The question to ask is 'what am I doing to contribute to this?' Things don't go bad on their own, and it's every one's fault. I would suggest answering that question and seeing how you can change your perception to help the rest of the department to change."

They really didn't know what to say after that.

Anyway... I'll be calling the AVP and having a long talk about their leadership... apparently that sucks too. LOL

I can't wait for this weekend, I'm just hoping that it's not going to pour! We need this fundraiser at my church, so I'm praying that it will work out! Plus, I get to hear some great music! WOOO HOOO! :)

Great News!

So I had a fun phone call on the way home from work yesterday up 95 - I get to book my trip to Austin! Yay! I'm excited about seeing a new city, meeting Sam's family, and spending his birthday with him - I can't wait! It's going to a blast! Which means that I have two really cool vacations that week. The first on the cruise with my Mom, and then the rest of the week in Austin - I can't wait!

I did have some sad news this morning. It seems now that I think about it everyone is going through a transition... I guess it's all the people that are on my 3-year cycle. This is our new cycle beginning which means unrest for a bit until we figure it out. Anyway, the sad news.... James, the other only guy in my class, actually is leaving the cohort. He stuck it out for 5 classes, but the work and life balance are pulling him too far apart, so he's going to leave the cohort. He was such a wise and grounded force in our group, so I'm sad to see him go. But I wish him the best in the future!

This upcoming weekend is the Middle River Music Festival held at my church. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night - which I'm volunteering both Saturday and Sunday. Friday I'm going to sit, relax, and just enjoy! The Crawdaddies are playing Friday, which are really good, so I'm looking forward to that. I haven't heard the two bands for Saturday and Sunday, but I think they are on the same level. I've been praying that its not going to rain! Yay!

The Power of Now

So as I had mentioned in an earlier blog, I wanted to go to a therapist to get an understanding of what happened to me, and how I got into that stressful mental situation. I had my first session with her on Saturday, and she basically said, "Congratulations, you're human!" Wow - Look ma, no hands! We had a great laugh about it, as she fully got and understood that I understood what I was doing to myself and how I couldn't stop it at that time. And it finally took me a week of mental chewing before I allowed myself to put everything in perspective, which has been freeing and wonderful since about last Tuesday.

She also recommended a book for me to read, "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. The book is more about finding the path to enlightenment, which is really fascinating. I don't think I'm going to turn into a zen-master any day soon, but his insight into the human mind has been eye-opening. His philosophy is that the human mind is a tool, just like an arm, leg, teeth, etc. But the mind "takes over" and doesn't stop thinking - you become your mind. Every illusion (right or wrong) that you have about yourself is just that, an illusion about who you are created by your mind, and it's not true. At this point he gets spiritual and talks about the essence of Being, and the real you is hidden beneath the surface - it's not all the anxiety, thoughts, fears, or anything else your mind makes up. The mind's favorite job is to solve problems, so it will create mountains out of mole-hills when something happens in order to have something to do.

The mind also only knows how to live in the past or live in the future; it's really not sure what to do with the Now. So it will dwell on past experiences, re-solving and re figuring how to do it differently, or it will create anxiety about the future and the unknown, and continue to search for something better than there already is in the Now. My mind's orientation is for the future. I'm really good at letting past experiences go, as I consider them learning experiences and put them to rest. But I focus on my future goals so much that I forget to live in the now. The only moment we have is this moment, and anything the brain can create is a projection/illusion of something that might not even happen in the future. His suggestion is to totally focus right in this moment, and when you observe your mind leading to thoughts about the future that cause you anxiety or fear, return back to the Now.

Pretty neat stuff! He also goes into how to find your essence of Being, and focusing your attention inward to be with yourself and not letting your mind take over... to sit in peace and stillness. The essence of Being is the life force that never ends inside of us, it always is and is always connected to the Source. I love this stuff! lol

I wish I found this book when I started my blog, as I guess I've been on a path to live "in the moment..." and my journey has now seen a sign that it can hold onto. I also am a woman of faith, and I came to the conclusion and revelation this weekend that the Lord will provide. I knew that, but I needed to hear it again. I reminded myself that I am the Lord's child, and no parent wants their child to suffer. The Lord will make sure that I am fulfilled in the future, in the best way that is for me, and I don't have to worry about it - that's His job.

For those wondering, the trick of the book is that when you start worrying about future events, to take a moment, breathe, and think if any of those worries are happening right now. How am I doing right now? And usually anything you are imagining isn't happening right in the moment. So staying focused right in the moment will help quiet the mind about thinking about the future or the past. Because what you are imagining is probably far scarier or worse than what actually will happen - because we really don't know what will happen.