Feeling better

Talking to my therapist, I learned a few things about myself that I think I knew, but didn't want to acknowledge. In relationships I have learned to be invisible and indispensable. That way I don't get rejected. However, that hasn't been working for me for a long time, but I didn't know any other way.

I'm naturally nice and caring; however I have been living for other people for so long that I don't know what I need or want for myself. And if I have an idea, I'm so afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be rejected or lose the love. So I take what I can get from other people, never ask for what I need, and try to fulfill myself the best way I can. But it isn't working. So I'm learning to ask for what I want and need, and not put myself on the back-burner anymore. It was ingrained in me that asking for what I want is selfish, and selfish is not a good thing to be. But it's not selfish, it's fair.

I had a really good weekend at school. It felt so good to connect with so many women who are going through the same things I am, or have went through it. Apparently everyone is searching to find out who they are... I've always tried to be perfect by pretending to know what that is. That's my other issue, I have a need to be perfect. But no human is... that was hard to learn. I knew that, and I probably told other people that, but I never believed it. I always felt that I have to be more than the average bear, so that I would get the love. Failure means rejection to me.

But all of that is going to change... slowly. I'm reinventing myself, and it is exciting. But also very scary. Because before when I knew exactly what the path was, now I have no idea. All I can do is live each day and see what happens... I don't like not knowing. It makes me irritated and inpatient. So I'm relearning patience with myself.

I don't know how I got to the point where I thought humanity didn't apply to me. That it was okay for everyone else to be human and go through emotions and be a screw-up if they wanted, but I couldn't. I used to be filled with such indignation about that. I've had the thought, "here I am being perfect for you, doing whatever you wanted and asked, and you choose someone else who can't even hold it together..." Then I'd blame myself.

Anyway... now I'm trying to figure out who I want to be! Who is that person that I see?