Long post coming....

So, let's talk about the truth. Being truthful about myself and truthful about how I'm feeling.

The truth is I've been suffering an amazing amount of mental anxiety and anguish because I've been feeling blue. I would get myself worked up and anxious because for some reason the script in my head that I have had since a child is that people who are unhappy want to die, and I don't want to die. So I thought it would make me want to die and I would be out of control and couldn't save myself.

I finally figured it all out last Monday, on the way home from a client site in the tunnel. I figured out what the fear was, the fear of losing control of myself. That made me even more anxious, which continued to cause the anxiety attacks. You know, (I'm joking here) some people have fears of things that cause them stress - planes, spiders, etc... but can I be normal? No, I have to fear myself! I joke about it now, but my brain is too smart for itself. It keeps working until it solves a problem which was driving me crazy and making me afraid.

Anyway... I spoke with my therapist about it, and she recommended getting into my doctor right away to get some meds. Then that scared me. Why? Because one possible side effect is a worsening of the anxiety and depression, which could cause suicidal thoughts. That was what I was so afraid of, and here they are giving me medicine that may cause it. I had to face the hurdle.

So I started taking my meds on Saturday. I had a small anxiety attack on the bus up to Atlantic City, but it was the same fear that I've been having. That I wasn't going to get better, I was going to spiral into a pit of despair, and there wasn't going to be help for me. But then by the afternoon I felt better. Actually, by 9pm that night I felt like the old me, that I was so happy. I cried tears of joy, because I was back.

Sunday I had some uncomfortableness in the morning, but by afternoon I was feeling amazing... then I would remember that I was taking meds, the thought would come back for a second and then float away.

Today, I feel so much better. I feel safe enough, in the sense that I am in control enough, to work with my therapist to deal with the funk I've been feeling. What is the funk that I've been feeling? I don't know. I have a lot of repressed anger and rejection that I have been stuffing down for 30 years. Things that happened in my child-hood, things that happened in my adult-hood, and some really unfair things that happened to me. I've always said, "Oh well, such is life" and moved on. I always put my nose down, internalized it, and never let it bother me. What did that get? That got a child who wouldn't cry at her grandparent's funeral, but the minute she stumps her toe outside would cry like the world was going to end.

I don't ever believe in a pity party or a victim mentality, but my coping mechanism is over-rationalization. Something bad happens, and my first thought of why I feel sad about it is that because I had unreasonable expectations. I shouldn't have put stock in something that I couldn't control, so it's my own fault that I am sad. Or, I didn't see it right, I thought it was more than it was, and I was living the fantasy of the truth, opposed to the truth, which is my fault for being whimsical in that way. I never place blame where blame belongs. I think that's because I hold the belief that people don't intentionally mean to hurt me, they just didn't know what I was expecting.

But why don't I share what I'm expecting or my authentic self with them? Well, because I have a belief that they don't want it. My experience, until now, is the belief that people don't want anything more than superficial relationships with me. I don't know if that is true or not, but my evidence is that I project this happy-go-lucky facade and no one ever gets to see the truth behind it. I also push on because I think that's the adult thing to do. I've been an adult since I've been a little girl, and not throwing temper tantrums, getting mad, being selfish, all of those things that children do, was my way of being mature and an adult. And I got rewarded for it. But it's left a bunch of shit trapped inside of me that I've never dealt with.

I had to learn to block the bad things. I'm sensitive. My role in the family is to be the strong one. I'm the one that sees it all, knows the other is suffering, and I hold it together when they can't. I protect them when they can't protect themselves. That's how I learned to march forward with such strong resolve and little emotion. Because if I let myself feel it, then I would fall apart too, and there would be no protection. I also take on other people's emotions. I can usually feel the intense "negative" ones, and I experience the emotion with them. I've learned to block it over the years to remain in control. But I got to a point where I couldn't block it any more. It is the right time to face it all. And what better way to do it than when you turn 30?

I'm surrounded by great friends and family, I have wonderful work and a great learning experience, so this is the time to clean me out. I'm sure I'll be talking about this when I'm older, to my kids and grand kids - "when I turned 30, I finally cleaned myself out, and learned to truly accept me."

That's really what it is about for me. Acceptance. I don't want to feel like I have to hold it all together anymore. I want to be authentic and still get love, and not feel like I have to please everyone to get it. I don't want to mold myself anymore to be whoever it is that each person expects me to be.

Yes, I am a bubbly, fun-loving type who thinks every cloud has a silver lining, and that's not going to change. But now I'm going to be real.