Step 1

Last night I did my first step toward putting my own needs first. It felt really good!

It's a long story, but it'll help me write it out. I met B. online back in 2000. It was when everyone was getting aim and you can search for people to chat with. He found me one day, and we struck up a friendship. And that is just what it was for about 4 years. After 4 years we decided to meet in person, and I flew to his hometown to meet him. We hit it off right away, and I even enjoyed meeting his girlfriend. A few months later, another guy I was talking to online wouldn't get the hint of going away, he kept changing his screen name and talking to me. I lied and told him that I was dating B. I told B. just so he knew what was going on, and I wanted to complain about the other guy. B. had just broken up with his girlfriend (not because of me) and said that we could actually make that to be true... we could be together, and he liked me.

Thus the romance began. He came to visit me, I went back to visit him, and we had long drawn out conversations about our future. He always told me that he didn't know what the future would bring, but if it works out we'd be together. I fell for it. We were friends with lots of interest toward each other. Then a natural disaster happened and he had to move north. He met someone in his new college, and in doing so, broke my heart. I was angry, but like I mentioned about my pattern, I stuffed it down, tried to be an adult about it, and maintain the friendship. We didn't really talk while he was with her, because I didn't want to hear it. I was bitter. But I "did the right thing" and tried to be friends anyway. They broke up about a year and 1/2 later. She broke his heart. He moved back home, and started over.

I have tried to do the right thing and maintain the friendship. We call on holidays and catch up via text message off and on. B. came to see me in January, and the sexual interest we always had was still there, and I actually slept with him. I figured, so what - we're friends, I'm over it.

Fast forward to last night. I heard from him earlier in the day via text msg, he wanted to know how I was doing. He doesn't know about any of my recent personal emotional drama. I told him it was too much too txt and we'd chat, as a lot has been going on. I got home last night and while mowing the lawn, I started thinking about him. And I got really angry. Why? Because he was one of the people that I suppressed my emotions about in honor of doing the "right thing" in order to maintain the friendship. I never told him how angry I was, or hurt, or how rejected I felt by him going out with her. He knew I wasn't happy, but not to what extent. I never shared it, because I didn't want to be rejected. I took what I could get from him, and tried to make that enough. I never gave him my expectations. Frankly, I didn't want to talk to him last night.

He called, and my first Step was ignoring his phone call. The old Amy would have taken it, stuffed down her anger, and pretended that everything was okay in order to maintain the relationship. She would have acted happy on the phone, and would have been really supportive to him and his issues, but never really shared her own. She wouldn't have been authentic.

I feel guilty. He doesn't know any of this, and it's almost unfair to share it with him now, 5 years later. So here I am, stuck in situations where I am friends with men who I have had strong interest in, never shared my expectations with them, and I've been living a lie in order to keep them in my life. I always felt that some contact with them is better than no contact. Now I'm not so sure. Every time I see them it reminds me that I wasn't right for them, but I'm good enough to be their best friend and confidant. Why?