Unresolved

So, I've been working a lot of things out in my head as I'm working through the anxiety. I was able to get rid of my irrational fear of dying, as I realized that it is a decision people make - it's not something that comes over them when they are going about their day and overtakes them. I'm not ever going to make that decision. When the Lord is ready to take me, that's the only way I'll go. So there is nothing for me to be afraid of in that regard. However, now I've noticed that I can be thinking of nothing and I'll get the anxious feeling in my stomach... it will go away. It helps when I do some deep breathing or yoga... but last night I had the oddest experience. I really think I can feel other people's anxiety. I was fine and enjoying a tv show, my cousin called and was talking to my mother - and I felt anxious. Why? Well, my cousin called my mother because she was feeling anxious about a situation and I could hear her kinda through the phone. Am I feeling her stuff? What is that about?

I'm also starting to get angry. Really angry at myself for feeling this way. Yes, I know it's natural to feel blue sometimes, but I'm mad that I was choosing to wallow and feel pitiful instead of fighting. I always fight. I've started fighting again. But I'm still going to therapy, and my meds have really helped with the thoughts.

Now that my head is more clear, I'm starting to figure out what this is all about. Turning 30 has left me unresolved. There is no other word I can use to describe it. It's got me thinking "now what?" or "what's next?" I feel like this is the time to make decisions about the future, but I don't know why I feel that way. I still want graduation, a house, puppies, and kids, and I will get those things. But there seems like there should be more. Even in that perfect picture there is something missing, and I don't know what. I have always been happy being with myself, as I had resolved early in life that I was probably going to be single forever. But I don't like that. I want my life partner. The ironic thing is that I don't feel like looking for him. I don't get that. I'm usually one to search endlessly for something if I want it... but I'm not searching for him. The thought of going out on meaningless dates without any real connection is boring and much too job-like. I would much rather go out with an amazing guy friend and talk into the wee hours of the morning and just feel connected. That feels so much more like home and comfort to me then trying to impress some guy with my witty banter and flirting skills. Don't get me wrong, I like the flirting and teasing, but only when it's authentic and not forced.

I've also stopped going on Facebook and Okcupid in the evenings. It bores me. Yes, I want to know what is going on in the life of my friends, but I'd rather read it from a personal email, not a status update. Okcupid just makes me crazy. They send me all of these matches and none of them ever seem to match. The quizzes are fun, but the only person I ever met on there that I have a real connection with is my friend Sam. For that, I will always be grateful to the website, but otherwise - won't be back much.

I also have a lot of unresolved anger and grief inside of me. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and I love it, but it saddens me to know that I haven't dealt with a lot of things which are rearing their heads now. Maybe I shouldn't have done that meditation, but at least it's forcing me to deal with things in a very real way. Once I've dealt with them I'll be cleaned out. The idea of being open and pure inside of me is so empowering. That's when the joy can shine in, that's when attraction can happen.