Open-heartedness

In yoga the poses are referenced as opening your heart, and really it just means sitting up straight with our shoulders back and allowing energy to flow. I notice as the day rolls on I get more hunched and hunkered over my computer screen, almost shrinking into a ball. The weight of the world can do that to you!

Yoga helps me remember to open myself back up to the world around me. Last night's breathing session with David was AMAZING. I was processing a lot of things, and actually got into "child's" pose at one point, staying there for close to 20 minutes. I could feel the energy trying to leave my legs as my body wrestled with it. I have no idea what it was, or if it was related to my intention, but it opened me up somehow. I was also seeing a lot of colors behind my eye lids. Its kinda funny, as the dog next door must feel the energy because he only comes out and howls when I'm there and he stops right after my session. We can say they are connected, or not, but it is interesting.

I was reminded, once again, not to strive for perfection. If I'm opening myself to the world, then I need to say with honesty that I am ashamed that I am on anti-anxiety medicine. Please, if you are reading this, don't take offense to it. But for me it means that I am not perfect, something I strive to be. I almost think it gives me a mental stigma that would ruin my credibility as a professional... because that really means I don't have my shit together. How can you trust me with a tough client or a situation if I need to take medicine in order to act "normal"? I know these things are not true, yet that is the mental judgement I give myself. My therapist doesn't help in her definition of why I take it. She's the one that gave me the "it makes your brain act normally" thing. David nearly had a heart attack when I told him that, and he can see why I would have a problem with this definition. Its almost saying that I'm abnormal, therefore I must take a helper to make me normal. Its almost like telling me that its a life-long crutch that I have to stay on forever in order to be normal. I have a plan to come off of it, with my doctors supervision, as mine seems to be situational. I use the data that for 30 years of my life I never had anxiety that I couldn't control, so why need it now? And in reality it was because I was afraid of the emotions that were locked inside of me... that's what caused it. But I'm not afraid anymore, and those emotions aren't hiding anymore.

Sometimes it helps me to ramble... but right now, I really don't care. I'm happy, and having fun, and I can't wait until I see John this weekend! :)