For all of those on the search...

I've been cleaning out my closet, and I came upon a bunch of books that I had stored in there. Most were on body language (I went through this phase in my early 20s when I wanted to understand how to send the right signals to the opposite sex.. yadda yadda yadda), but I found an oldie but goodie, "He's Just Not Into You."

That book was wildly popular a few years back, written by a man to educate women to stop making excuses for men when they treat you poorly. Basically, if he doesn't call when he says he will (emergencies aside) or really can't be bothered with giving you any time, he's just not into you. It also warns against being the "fill in" girl when he's bored and has nothing to do.

The author goes on to say that men are hunters, and if they really want something, they will go out of their way to get it. So if he's not going out of his way, he really doesn't want it.

I wonder if that thought can be applied to online dating. I guess if a guy was really interested he'd "go out of his way" to make his interest known. I'm all about being a woman of the 2000s and making first contact, but maybe it does apply? Who knows! I've been journaling rapidly on the okcupid site, as folks have been debating on the response rate of other people. I've come to the conclusion that it's a website of people living in fear, and hoping that someone else will make the first move.

But, I journal about it, just as a reminder, that relationships shouldn't be about jumping through hoops to keep someone's attention. You shouldn't feel ignored, or on the bottom of the list of priorities.

There was an article on CNN.com two days ago from Oprah's website, which was talking about women being "wanty," which ties in nicely. Basically women have wants, but they are afraid to vocalize them in relationships because of fear of being labeled as "high maintenance, bitchy, aggressive, etc." As more and more relationship experts explained the difference in the sexes over the last few years, and pretty much every comedian has a joke about, women have developed a fear of being labeled negatively for vocalizing what they want out of the relationship, or sharing their expectations. So instead, they play the "I don't know, what do you want to do?" game. Which turns into complacency when dealing with men who "just aren't into you." They'd rather bite their tongue, and keep him, then do without.

I had posted about this earlier in the week, but really didn't have time to reflect based on all the work I've been doing to get ready for the launch of the website and school work for next week. But I'm one of those women who is afraid to be "wanty".

I can pinpoint when I started to feel that way, it was right after I graduated from college and entered the dating world. I mentioned before that I was a late bloomer. Someone I trusted a lot, who I was really interested in, called me high maintenance. And ever since then, I've bent over backs to be low maintenance, as I didn't like the connotation around that term.

In general, based on my personality style (and not in relation to this incident), it takes a hell of a lot of get me pissed off. And when I am pissed, I have no problem telling someone directly what I feel about them, and where to go.

But if the issue is on the table, and I really don't care about the outcome, I won't state an opinion, or even suggest what I want - because it really doesn't matter. Take for instance dinner - I don't have any food allergies, I like pretty much anything, and every restaurant I've been to, I always find something that sounds appetizing. So, I really don't care where we go... so, "I don't know, whatever you want" is an appropriate response. Because I really don't know, and I can see possibilities in whatever you suggest.

If things really matter, or they are morally related, I over-think them, until I find a solution. Most often I drag someone into my external dialog online, but I need that feedback in order to fully understand what I'm pondering. Once I determine what I want, I stick with it, and see it through. But with the little things in life... I really don't care, you decide.