weird group theory

Blah. This is my public revolt against reading anything else for school. So, I think was something like 20 readings I had to do to get ready for the first weekend of my class. And now I have about 8, and it's easier reading, but I'm revolting.

I don't like group theory. That's a lie. The inquisitive and curious side of me wants to know all about it. The logical and rational side of me doesn't want to know anything more about.

We covered 15 different theorists last time we met. The original class had 21 in the first weekend, but they managed to drill it down to 15. I think I could have done with about 5... but no.

What I don't like about group theory is the loss of control. I'm probably going to mix up the theories talking about it, but basically here's the deal. A bunch of people did a bunch of studies with groups. They basically had theories on how groups form and interact, and were able to consistently see patterns of behavior. The people were able to decide that groups go through various phases - the storming, norming, etc phase that is most popular. But there is also a dependency phase, co-dependency, etc. And there's even one where a group will start "splitting" it's emotions and create a scapegoat in the group to hold all of that. This because becomes the reason why the group can't function, etc., and if the scapegoat is removed, the group picks another person to replace it.

All of that is very interesting, but my cognitive mind can't wrap around that. In the sense that they theorist is saying that the group is performing these actions without it's own knowledge. Meaning, the person you don't like in the group you work with, and other people feel the same way, may not be for legitimate reasons - it may be that the group is looking for a scapegoat. And if the person is gone, the group will find someone else to pinpoint. To think that I am unknowingly contributing to this behavior doesn't sit well with me. But that is just one example. Another is that when a group first forms, they look to the leader as a parent, wanting the parent to tell them exactly what to do. And when the parent is trying to treat them like adults and give them choices, the group revolts and the leader/parent becomes "bad".

Basically, groups do this all the time - the behavior has been tested and tested again. So to think that I do that - make someone a 'parent,' 'scapegoat' etc. - without my own knowledge is weird.

This rock needs her own rock

Gosh I'm feeling so much better today. But I went ahead and called EAP at work to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I think it will do me good to talk to someone and get some ideas and insights about what is going on with me. I think all of the emotion and fears are coming up now because I am in a place that is strong enough to deal with them. I don't have to be scared of them. I have a lot of irrational thoughts about spiraling down into a pit of despair, but I know that isn't me.

My logical and rational brain laughs at myself every time I make that statement because it's not me. But then my nagging thought peeps in with "what if it is?" Thus the spiral shoots off again.

I also have a crush on my care coordinator that I spoke to on the phone when I called EAP. I know, silly. But he really "got me" and shared that he does that too sometimes, and based on his professional opinion he thinks I'm normal and he's glad I'm seeking help on understanding what is triggering all of it. Look at me, I'm learning to be vulnerable! Maybe I need to be like that with more people, instead of always being the one that holds everyone else together.

I think that's what I'm really searching for in my life when I think of a soulmate. I don't necessairly mean it in the common romantic sense. I mean someone who truly gets me (no, I don't think my care coordinator is that person, I haven't lost all sense, I was being funny), who I can fall apart emotionally with, and not worry about being judged or it help against me. This rock is looking for her rock. Maybe that's why my relationships with men in the past haven't worked out - I never trusted them enough for them to be my rock.

Actually, I was really surprised two weekends ago that I shared so much with my friend Sam about what was going on emotionally for me. I'm usually very guarded and careful, but I just felt like I could open myself to him and share. That's what I mean by intimate friendships... not having to hold myself together and hide to keep the relationship going. I truly think he's magic, not that I'm putting him up on a pedestal or anything. But he always shows up for me when I need him most. I was so grateful he was with me that weekend, because I truly didn't want to be alone.

But I truly feel so much better today. I've felt semi-better the last few days, but today I am truly starting to feel it to my core. I did 4 Circles of Intent from the suggestion of my friend David. They are: "Ability to let go of negativity," "Happy and Healthy Life," "Trust myself and God," "Intimate relationships with deep love." The idea is to draw a circle, put those intentions on the inside of the circle, and all of things that are getting in your way of those on the outside. The activity is based on the Law of Attraction - that you get what you put out into the universe, as everything is energy. If you put love out, you'll get it back, if you put fear out you'll be scared, etc... So universe - you have my intentions, and I'm focusing on them.

This episode has also brought me back strongly to my faith. I've pretty much said every prayer I could think of and a few that I made up along the way. It's so good to have God in my life. I love being swaddled in His love. That's one part of me that I can't deny - my Christianity.

Weight Loss!

I weighed in last night at the gym, and to my surprise, the anxious week I had had a startling response to my waist line! I've lost 9lbs! Most of it was water weight, and I was PMSing, so I think that had a lot to do with my mood too.

I've been talking with my friend from school about the concept of living fearlessly. That's really scary and exciting at the same time. I don't like to give up control, and for some reason being faced with 30 and realizing that I'm single has been really scary for me. I'm not a child anymore, or a young woman, I'm a woman-woman. The dreams I had about being married by now didn't happen, so I'm trying to get a new plan. Well, I already have a new plan: graduation, getting a puppy, buying a house, and having children. And travel - lots and lots of travel!

I was never a woman who thought that she needed a man or husband to complete her. And I'm still not that woman. But I want to have deep and intimate relationships in my life where I can be my authentic self. Friendships are those relationships. Feeling like I have a support system around me who loves me no matter what. I need to get involved in my friend's lives again, as I feel like I'm disconnected from them.

Breakthrough this morning

I am feeling like the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Everything that I have been feeling over the past week has come together for me, and I finally get it. Just because I felt intense negative emotions doing the meditation doesn't mean that I'm depressed! I was so scared over the last week that I was depressed and going to spiral out of control into a pit of despair. That's not true! The two things aren't related! All of the anxiety I was feeling was around the self-talk that I was giving myself trying to snap out of it - when there was nothing to snap! Gosh my over-thinking will drive me insane one day! I need to stop doing it!

I got to trust my gut-tube and just flow! Coming to the conclusion this morning must have had a physical effect on me as well. Glenda, my co-worker, said I look absolutely beautiful today. My face and my aura look so pure. I'm free! God, I was so scared. I was so afraid that I would lose my mind. But I knew that I just needed to trust God and myself, and everything will be okay.

Thank you, God!

Just Booked a Cruise!

So I decided to be adventurous, and just go for it! I booked a cruise for July 4th weekend from Miami to Nassau and NCL's private island with my mom. It leaves on July 3, and returns to Miami the Monday morning. Just 3 nights, but a lot of fun! I need the get-away. I can't wait to lay on the beach at the private island and float around on my noodle. Yes, I'm going to find a way to get my noodle on the plane and onto the boat!

I'm going to take off the rest of the week and do fun things. I'm waiting for someone to decide what he wants to do with for his birthday, because my intention was to spend it with him ever since he had too much ouzo online with me one night in March and invited me. However he's being indecisive! We'll see what the future will bring! :)

life lesson

So what new lessons have I learned about myself over the last week? Well, I'm really good at catastrophes. I process way too much. It's almost like I'm testing out every possible scenario to see if that "sits" with me, so I know a better plan of action.

I think my mental freak-out into the depths of doom over the last week has been a lesson for me. I need to not be so controlling, or have such high expectations of myself. Where I got myself stuck is that I would always let hurtful things go, like break-ups with guys I really cared about, by saying "oh, by the time I'm 30 I'll be in a better place, in a great relationship, and on my way to getting married with children, so I won't let it bother me now." It was a monumental wake-up call to know that every single rational thought I promised myself, didn't happen in regard to relationships. And it pained me to realize that I was responsible for that. I made choices that focused me on a career, certain kinds of people in my life, and so forth that I have no one to blame except for me. The idea that I was unconsciously sabotaging myself from getting what I think I wanted was scary. And when I started thinking about how things haven't worked out, I turned myself into a paralysed victim with no-way out. The anxiety I felt over feeling helpless scared the shit out of me. I've never felt that way before. And I started obsessing about getting stuck in the helplessness, because I didn't want to be there. Both sides of my mind would scream at each other to snap out of it, because it's not really me - and that scared me.

I've been telling myself various mantras:

- I am one of God's gift's to the world
- I'm a beautiful and sexy woman
- I need to channel my energy into helping
- I have a life purpose and I need to live it
- I am not a victim
- My plan changed, so I'm getting a new plan
- I'm free to do whatever I want
- I am in charge, not my emotions

It's an interesting paradox. On one hand I'm very controlling with myself. I have to act a certain way, say certain things, accomplish certain goals to be who I see myself to be. On the other hand, I love giving up control to someone I see worthy of making those decisions for me. I LOVE dominate men who tell me what to do - as long as it's coming from a loving place and not jealousy. Fortunately I have a few in my life who fulfill that need for me. I feel free to be myself if some of the decisions are made for me - fun activities, where to have dinner, the plan for the day. It's also interesting that my need to control doesn't fall into any sexual hangups. I was talking to some classmates while in Bethel about orgasms and sex. Apparently they have never orgasm with themselves or with a partner (they are well into their 30s) - because they don't feel they can let go of the control enough, or trust their partner enough to do so. I've never had that problem. I was actually giving them advice in that area, as that issue isn't something I have ever felt - its very easy for me. So where does that paradox come from? Hmmm..

I was watching TV last night and listening to the various stories about the dancers on "So You Think You Can Dance?" and I felt ashamed that I was letting something so stupid crack me. Some of these people have really struggled, where I have accomplished so much, and here I sit complaining and obsessing because my plan changed. Grow up, Amy! I tell myself that too... it was almost like I have been pouting. But I didn't like getting lost in my thoughts without being able to think about something else. I'm feeling much better about it now, and it's starting to get under control.

I've also learned that you really can't tell someone to stop doing something, especially a cognitive thing. As consultants it's easy for us to tell someone to snap out of something, but its really hard to actually do that. Maybe I needed to learn that too for when I'm working with people.

Anyway, I'm all about testing out new behavior. I'm a P in my MBTI, so I like spontaneity and not having plans or rules - so I'm going to try to internalize that for my expectations on myself. I'm not going to be running naked in the streets anytime soon, but I'm going to let myself be myself, and not some facade I think I have to be.

Sunshine in my Mouth

I have a new song stuck in my head, well, it's really the refrain. I keep hearing it on the radio, and it goes like this, "I'm in love, with my best friend..." I think it's by Colbie Caillat with Jason Mraz doing a duet on that one. I also have another song in my head that I can't get rid of, but I don't know the words enough or the name to look up. Oh Well!

I weighed myself again at the gym yesterday, and I've lost 24.5lbs since I started. My clothes are fitting me differently, but I still haven't really noticed a drastic loss... I guess because it's been spread over the last 6-8 months when I started in September. Where have the 6-8 months gone? It was drastic when I lost the weight last time, as I lost that much in about 2 months on the Atkins diet. I'm keeping that in perspective, as this is the much healthier way to do it.

I actually have a slow day at work today, so I think I'm going to do some more of my reading for class. It's ironic that one of the books we are using is one that my department adopted a year or so ago, and has done some extensive work with. I'm very familiar with the concepts, and now just need to formally read it. It's The Skilled Facilitator.

What I will do for myself today:

Today I am going to the grocery store during lunch time and get fresh tangerine juice. I've heard that it's "Sunshine in your Mouth" and I want to taste it.

So... I eloped

Ha! When I got to Lori's graduation party last night my coworker Jocelyn informed me of the rumor that she and Glenda decided to start because they were bored yesterday. Apparently, because I left early Monday to play tourist with Sam, and then was offsite yesterday (the 2 of them didn't know where I was, but I was in Calverton at a client site all day) - they decided that I eloped to Vegas. I didn't know I was so exciting. LOL

Playing nurse today

The Duck trip was everything I thought it would be, but the driver got to be very annoying after the first 15 minutes. He was too corny, even for me. But it was a beautiful day in Baltimore, slightly windy, which lead me to have wind-burn on my face the next day. But a nice pink color to the face never hurt anyone! Oh, and if anyone wants a good meal - Baked Gnocchi with Alfredo from Sabitino's in Little Italy - HEAVENLY! Fortunately we didn't see the dead body that they found floating in the water the next morning - oh JOY! That would have put a spin on the boating part.

I got to go to Harbor East last night and celebrate my coworker Lori's graduation from Hopkins. She hosted a party at Taco Fiesta, which is owned by a friend of hers. Very yummy food, and I had a corona with lime... I decided at the last minute to change from the margarita plan. I found parking a block away on the street, and the spot was nice and big - so I didn't have a problem parking. I don't know what it is, but when other people are in the car with me I can't park worth crap. But when I'm by myself I do just fine.

Today I'm playing nurse. Well, actually I'm following a nurse and physical therapist around as they visit patients in the home. I'm observing the process of using the laptop in the home with the patient, and seeing how that works. A lot of home care nurses have been against this change (they think it takes away from patient care) but there are a few all-stars who have accepted it easily. I'm nervous about going into sick-people homes, but it should be an educational experience. We'll see...

Baltimore Ducks

I'm so excited... I'm sitting at my desk vibrating (get your mind out of the gutter) because I can't wait to go meet Sam and go on the Ducks tour! I've been wanting to do this tour since it started, and never found time to do it. It's fun playing a 1/2 day of hookie from work and going to play. I like playing in the middle of the day! It makes me feel naughty some how! WOOOO HOOOOO

come on 12:45....... I get to walk out the door then.... meantime I'm trying to look busy..... LOL

Oh.. and I like babybel cheese individual circles.. very tasty :)

talk about psychodrama

Wow - what an emotional roller-coaster this weekend has been for me. I don't like that transformational breathing meditation that I did, as it seemed to tap into too much at once on Thursday night, and set me up for a melt-down all weekend. I was thinking and feeling things that I have never felt before, went to a really dark place that I had no idea lived inside of me, and it freaked me out. I'm on my way to recovery, and I feel so much better. This is making me really hesitate helping my friend David as he is going through his "breathing coach" certification. I need to understand if his workshop is like what I put myself through before I make any decisions about it. If it is... I'm not going to do it.

Thank God for my friends. I talked about it with the people at school this weekend, and they were in my shoes before, and are still dealing with intense dark emotions that pop-up for them. It really did scare me, and I thought I was going crazy. It was so good to hear that I am normal, and finally human. I say that 1/2 in jest, but sometimes I feel like I'm on autopilot, so maybe this was my wake-up call.

However, the highlight of the weekend was visiting with my friend Sam. After 2 months it was wonderful to see him, and I can't wait to spend some more time with him tomorrow before he heads back out to work. I heard that people come into your life for a reason, and I'm beginning to really believe that is true. I think we have a good effect on each other; although, I was hung-over for class this morning. After nearly walking into the wall on my way to the bathroom this morning to get ready; there was a strong 5 minutes of sitting in the bathroom trying to figure out if I was still drunk, and if I could actually drive. After my shower, I determined that I was just hung-over and could function. Luckily we did most of the brain work on Friday and Saturday, and today was just prep for next class. But I'd do it again in a heart-beat - Saturday night out was a blast! And we had an amazingly yummy Greek dinner and tasty wine to start it off... I think it was the mind-eraser shot that did me in. Actually, we had 2 great dinners this weekend - the first was Friday night at a Moroccan restaurant in Arlington that had belly dancing. I had the most interesting combination of flavors... :)

good cry

There is nothing like a good cry to set you free. I hold things in because I'm bound by some "should" that says I have to be rational at all times. I have such pent-up pain from being rejected, that the transformational breathing meditation has been really helping me get through. I should be sleeping, as I have to be up at 4:30am to get ready to drive to school for the weekend, but instead I'm sitting in front of my computer openly sobbing.

Yeah, people love me. I know this... but as a child, I was rejected by my father - it's a child's interpretation... and then with every break-up I've had, I have felt the rejection again. And every time it happens a little piece of me wonders if I'm lovable. Is there someone out there who wants to love me? I know I'm worthy, but when will the rejection stop. (And no, I wasn't recently rejected, it's past pain that I haven't dealt with - instead I play the "good guy." And try to take the higher road to be the better person and forget about it.) I play the role of the child well... but I'm not - I'm 30.

And these damn readings I have to do for class aren't helping. With every word I apply it to myself, and I wonder if that's what I'm doing. I'm psychoanalyzing every thought to judge if I'm crazy. And, that's the dumbest thing I've ever done. I know it. Self-awareness is a tricky piece. I even think I'm making shit up to see what it would sound like in my head if the thought was real.

If I don't like it, change my mind. I'm going to do that, I'm in control. Attitude, behavior, emotions, and actions are all choices. I choose to be affected by something, I choose to be afraid of something, I choose to worry over stupid things, I choose to allow these things to continue to harm me. Not any more! I'm not holding my tongue in order to keep the peace any longer... it's killing me inside. And, I'm bored with it.

I AM NOT A VICTIM, GOD DAMMIT! I'm a mature, educated, confident, beautiful woman, and I'm not going to let some stupid asshole men from my past control how I feel or judge myself today! THEY WEREN'T WORTHY OF ME! AND THEY AREN'T HOLDING ME CAPTIVE ANY MORE!

FUCK THEM! Karma baby, it's all karma, and they are going to get what they dished out. 2 of them already have... now I'm just waiting for the other pain to be delivered. I'm not going to mourn for the loss of their love anymore. There weren't good times, there weren't happy times. It was a constant battle with one 5 years ago to even admit that he wanted some sort of relationship with me - even though he lived in another time zone. I was constantly trying to please him to get him to like me, and I sacrificed myself in the process. With my ass of a recent ex, I became this quiet, non-sharing, rule creator, who bit her tongue so much to let him be who he was and love unconditionally that I stunted my own growth. I think of all the times I wanted to lay into him and tell him to go to hell, and I didn't because I justified that he was just here for a weekend before traveling again, and I should shut my mouth in order to get through the weekend and have sex. And the sex wasn't even that good. But I rationalized that at least I was getting some. That wasn't love.

I'm not going to enter another relationship with the pain I allowed myself to build up, I'm not a martyr. It's all getting out of me once and for all. I want to love freely, I want to attach, I want intimacy, and I want someone who's finally rooting for me, not against me.

Patterns

I've always been able to see patterns and make logical connections very easily. It's something that comes naturally to me. I don't mean mathematical-scientific patterns per se, but just patterns - the pieces always fit together in a bigger picture for me.

Also, with my MS education, I'm being taught to notice patterns in behavior. That's something that I can pick up easily too - and put the pieces together to make them connect. Usually I am on target with them.

The issue I am having is that of when do I intervene? Morals and values of mine indicate that I should leave people alone to make their own decisions and mistakes. However, logic tells me that the sign of a crazy person is someone who continues to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result every time. And... if I can see it, wouldn't it behoove me to be a helpful friend and point it out?

But then I feel self-righteous and indignant when I burst happy bubbles - thus I don't. But sometimes, when someone has wronged me, on so many levels, I want to strike back. And my strike is usually more dangerous than my bite. Because I can see these patterns, and know the intimate reasons of behavior behind them, which means I can do a lot of damage.

Is a few minutes of pleasure in getting the strike in worth emotionally damaging them? Do I need to be one of those people who needs to feel better by making someone feel worse? Is that the human element? Or am I to be better than that?

I googled ENFPs, just to see what was out there online. There were a lot of discussion boards with women like me who have a hard time of letting go. It was like reading my own writing, and everyone who responded to the posters felt the same way. Is this behavior truly ingrained so deeply that people all over the world are experiencing the exact same things? They claim its because we love so freely and with everything we have... that when the love isn't returned we mourn the loss of it. And ENFPs never take anyone out of their heart, they just add more people in. In response to that, ENFPs have natural attachment problems. They are usually hurt when they are young very deeply and learn to protect themselves against their very nature. The relationships they have as adults are still loving, but sometimes they never go beyond the surface and become intimate and attached. I don't mean sexual intimacy, I mean the act of truly allowing someone to see into their soul. We are willing to look into everyone else's and love everything we see there, but don't think that will be returned. So we build a wall, block them from seeing something that could potentially be judged, and avoid being hurt. Or so we think.

La Vida Loca

No, I'm not singing the song, but I do feel like I'm living the crazy life. For some reason going to the Use of Self Class, turning 30, and now reading all of this stuff for Group Dynamics class this weekend had an interesting effect on me. I've started to question everything I am, and mourn some things that I didn't realize where that important. And just when I start to do that, I snap myself out of it, because I don't think I should be having those mournful sad thoughts.

I started meditating with some podcasts that I found online. The Sterns (no, not Howard) have a good variety that is really relaxing. They use bi-something or another beats, which are deeper tones that enhance relaxation through the brain waves. The meditations are guided, and they really help me relax and focus. I did their "Transformational Breath Healing - Part 1" last night - and it was an INTENSE experience. I hated every minute of it, but I can't wait to do it again.

Most would think it's a bunch of hogwash, but after doing the exercise, and experiencing intense emotions as I did it, I did more research about it. Judith Kravitz (I think that's her name) is the woman who did most of the research and founded a society that teaches people how to do it, and offers workshops. There's a video on her website that explains and shows more detail of what the experience looks like. Basically it's a breathing cleanse - in the sense of any pent up emotions that have been buried and living in your subconscious come up and out during the breathing.

The breath is almost like a pant, and the Sterns demonstrate that when listening to the podcast. But as I continuously did this exercise, I started to feel a variety of things. Light-headedness is natural, and I didn't pass out. But, I started to feel incredibly cold sensations all over my body, I got chills, and then I started to feel anxiety, anger, and sadness. I kept focusing on my breathing to help me work through it, and even though my body wanted to cry - as I focused on the breathing the tears actually didn't come. My arms started waving at one point, and I kept putting my hands through my hair. It was INSANE, as I just impulsively did these actions. When watching the video, those folks going through this have incredible physical reactions - kicking their feet, crying, screaming - and it's compulsive.

I felt so much better afterwards - like I've let so much go. I feel so happy and connected now, something I haven't felt in a while. I put my new necklace on this morning from my coworker - it says, "Live the life you love, love the life you live." I'm starting to feel ALIVE again! THANK GOD!

Sunny weather

I didn't have to build the ark after all, as the sun finally came out this weekend - Little Orphan Annie was right! Breaking into song on a blog is just not the same thing as singing out loud.

I took my mom flower shopping for Mother's Day, and after paying a whole lot for very little at Home Depot, we found a nursery on Vincent Farm Road that is a wholesaler. They sell to larger retailers, but also have an open hot-house for personal sales. We got a heck of a lot flowers for cheap! However, I am even more convinced that I have mild allergy to some of them, as the sneezing started soon after on the car ride home. Even sitting on the deck surrounded by them (they haven't been planted yet) was itching my nose. Interesting how the body changes as we get older. But maybe this is why I also seemed to have a spring cold - it was allergies!

I finished my paper and sent it off on Friday, and now I've been a reading maven! I've read 1 book, 3 articles, 1 intro, and an entire chapter in another book this weekend. I have 1 article to summarize and share with my cohort, and then about 11 other articles to read, and one more chapter. I'm feel more secure about getting the work done than I did last week when I was stressing after seeing the syllabus.

On even more fun news, my friend is back in town! WOOO HOO! And I'll get to see him sometime this weekend. We get to act like people who haven't seen each other in two months, and there's rumor that he has a birthday present for me. Although he won't give me hints... I like hints. Oh well! Yay!

Stirring the brownie mix

I was able to relax most of my joints yesterday evening after doing some yoga on the mat at the gym. I felt great! But then I went home and worked on my paper, got tense from the position that I was sitting in, and all of the wonderful yumminess went away.

After getting ready for bed, while in the bathroom, I decided to do some of the bodywork movements that we were taught when in Bethel with Janet. She's a really cool eccentric lady, so I started repeating some of her phrases. I was telling myself to "move with the flow, feel the flow, stirring the brownie bowl" while twisting, weaving, and moving my body in ways that felt good and natural. I caught myself in the mirror and it was surprising how sensual my natural movements are when not trying to control them.

I then decided that this is one of those hidden camera moments where if someone saw me doing this, they'd probably have me locked away! But I was having a good old time! LOL

Anyway...

Today is my longest known and dearest friend's birthday - Happy 30th Ryan! He's my brother from another mother, and I'm glad I was invited to celebrate with him tonight. We're going to eat some yummies and watch the CAPS! I'm wearing my red! :)

Building an Ark

No, I'm not Noah, but I think he had it right. Especially since Baltimore has been getting serious rain storms since before this past weekend. The thunder last night was amazing! Although I slept through most of it, I did hear it right before I fell asleep.

The paper writing is actually going along much better than I anticipated. I've just asked a classmate to proof my paper, but I should easily be able to hit my midnight due date tomorrow. Woot! Then I have to read 20 gazillion things to prep for next weekend's class. They just gave us the syllabus earlier this week (it was MIA for a long while) and the entire cohort is scrambling to be prepared for it.

The anxiety of it all on Tuesday night gave me what I can only describe as a gallbladder attack in the early morning hours... but I had a wonderful night sleep last night. I think my attacks are stress related, because I only get them when I feel the stress. Usually I'm completely cool, but there has been a lot going on with me internally. I think I might be lonely, I don't have anyone to play with. I'm just going to hold that phrase, because I haven't worked out if that is exactly true or not. Interesting...

Writing my paper... under protest

For someone like me who likes to think up theories and ponder the reality of the situation, I actually hate writing reflection papers. Well, I hate writing them in APA format, with cited references, justifying every thought carefully. Let me flow, baby, let me flow!

My paper is a reflection on what I learned during my time in Bethel at the Use of Self class. I've been noodling the paper since I got back over a week ago, but I just finally put thoughts to paper last night. I'm 3 pages into a 7-10 limit, and things seem to be going well. I have a lot of written journal entries that I'm weeding through to add richness to the theory.

Three patterns that I saw in myself that week during my experiences were: accommodation, apology, and hiding in the cohort. I'm still searching to determine if accommodation is the correct word, but I am defining it as someone who puts everyone else's needs a head of their own, and defers to others to make happiness abundant. The theme of apology ties into that nicely, as one conclusion I have drawn about my accommodating comes from a strong sense of guilt. My research for my "A Paper" (as it was called in the syllabus) in a previous class discussed children growing up in a guilty household, and one sign of that in adulthood is someone who apologizes all the time. It is ingrained in my speech pattern so strongly that I don't even realize I say it. It's almost my interruption phrase, instead of "excuse me," when I want my opinion heard. "I'm sorry, but..." Or I use it when I want to disagree, or if at any time I interrupt any one's agenda. I got called out on it by Edie Seashore during the class, and I never really heard myself do it until then.

As for hiding in the cohort... I'm not myself in it. I don't know where that is coming from, but I am shy and tentative. In most groups I'm not - especially groups where I have authority and competence. I think it's my own confidence in knowing the material and sharing what I think I'm learning out-loud in the group. I wait to see if my thoughts are in line with the other people before speaking - to make sure that I haven't jumped the track. I'm a very strong iNutitive on MBTI - which means that I can easily see things that other's don't - which has gotten me in trouble in literature classes all my life. Not that this is literature, but when we were always asked for interpretations of stories, mine never matched what most everyone else saw - and rarely what the teacher saw - which got me a B... not an A. I learned to keep quiet and take my cues from the other students in order to improve my grades. Now that I'm back in an educational environment, I'm falling back into that pattern.

Wow... I just wrote out that part of my paper... well, I'll make it fancy of course, but now that I have that theory out, it'll be easier to write. Why do we need to do 7-10 pages, when I just so nicely did it in about 2? CHOICE - CHOICE - CHOICE... that's what we learned strongly up in Bethel, everything is our choice. We choose how we want to feel, we choose our behavior, and we can choose our reactions to situations. I can take everything in and weed out what I don't want... but if I want an A, then I have bullshit for a bunch more pages.

Great Weekend!

So I had a kick-ass birthday party this weekend to celebrate my oldness... I even wore all black as a sign of my mourning! heehehehee I do crack myself up!

But honestly, I had a ton of fun, and was very tipsy in the process. The pictures are up on my picasa site, and here's the link below:

Amy's 30th Birthday Party

I've been onsight at client locations in the DC area yesterday and today, so I write this from a board room while I'm waiting for my 2pm class to start. I should be writing my paper, but I'm still up in the air about what to write. My classmates are giving me some direction, which is helping. I think I will be focusing on that after the gym tonight.

Tomorrow night I get to go to Yoga! Lori and I are taking a beginners class, and it's much needed!

Ok... back to work

Swine Flu...

So I'm upset that my favorite little piggies are the culprit behind this outbreak that's affecting so many lives. Although real pigs are very dirty, but my piggie bank collection is still cute. I've been extra careful not to touch anyone and use extra germ hand solution, but hopefully they will have this under control quickly.

My birthday was a wonderful event - I had so many birthday wishes from everyone, so thank you to everyone who sent them! The cupcakes from Cake Love were amazing... with them it's not so much the cake as the icing. It has so much butter in it that you have to let it sit on the counter for 15mins to begin to melt to get the full gooey flavor of the icing.

Today my coworkers had a cake for me at the staff meeting, so I'm all sugared up and giggling! It's amazing how much sugar has an affect on me, as I don't eat it that often. When I do; one would think I'm almost drunk.

I have a paper to write for my class in Bethel, which I haven't started. I've been noodling it, but nothing has landed on paper yet. I have another week to work on it, which I start today and finish next week. I'm also working on my scarf from the yarn that I got in Bethel at the Alpaca farm. I'm crocheting a cluster stitch, which is beautiful, fluffy and soft with the yarn. I also bought more yarn, as I'm making my friend Sam another scarf. This time it's star trek, and I was fortunate enough to find a pattern for the spaceship and the insignia on ravelry. Yay! I'm thinking I will have it completed in time for his birthday... or at least the fall! hehe :)

I'm looking forward to getting plastered tomorrow night for my birthday. Rock on 30!!!