As many of you know, I started taking anti-anxiety medicine back in July of last year, just because of everything that was going on in my life at that time. Frankly, I thought I was losing my mind, but after therapy, learning to have fun again, breathing with David, yoga, meditation, reading some Buddhist books, and all of the other life changes I've made - I finally figured it all out. Well, I figured out what was happening to me. Here it is: I never processed my breakup with my ex boyfriend. I just buried it under the layers of fat inside of me to hide it away. When I was faced with suddenly turning 30 and my life not where I always imagined it being, the emotions started to leak out. Actually, my therapist likes to say that I cracked open like an egg, and everything I've ever held inside of me came out. That just goes to show that its not good to hold opinions and things inside, and its best to share them when they happen.
I also thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and I had to come to conclusion about what that would look like, and if I didn't get my way, what kind of person I wanted to be - what kind of adult did I want to be. Over the last 8 months I've figured that out, lost weight, cleared out my subconscious, and started being the authentic adult woman I wanted to be. Now its time to start weaning off the medication.
I had my doctors appointment, and she told me that she only gave it to me because I was freaking myself out, and she didn't think I really needed it to begin with. My anxiety was episodic and was spurred by an event, as I never had a history of this in my earlier life. That's what freaked me out - I was totally not "myself." So I've started the weaning process. I'm doing every other day for 2 weeks, then 3 times a week for a week, and then 2 times a week for a week before I stop it completely. My dosage is so low, that I really don't have to have an intense process. But my body is used to it, so I have to do it slowly. I was worried, but yesterday went really well, and I totally forgot about it until I was driving home from DC last night.
Here's the thing... I want to get to a spot where I never think about it again. I just forget that this ever happened to me. Not that I forget the lessons I learned, or destroy the new woman I've become, but I get to a place where I don't think about having to take meds to get over something. The stigma of the whole thing sits hard on my shoulders. I know that is to do with my own personal need to be perfect - a reality that does not exist. But I don't want others to feel sorry for me, or feel like something is wrong with me, and lose my credibility. I have such a high reputation as the one who holds it together and is brilliant that I have based most of my identity on that. To hear my Buddhist friends speak, that is really what is going on here. I'm trying to destroy my own ego, and the ego is using tricks and anxiety to hold on. The ego sort of grows a mind of its own and the worse thing that could happen to the ego is for it to not exist. I'm working on it. To live without ego is an entirely humbling experience. Its never about me in the first place, its always about others, but I like others to think about me in a good way.
Anyway- I'm on the process to get off the meds... and since I have the love and support of my friends, family, and boyfriend - I think this is going to work wonderfully! I just have to stay patient and know that in a few years, this will just be a blip on my radar screen of life.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Flying Kites!
My weekend in NJ lived up to everything I was hoping for in a weekend with my someone special! We shot pool on Friday night - I still suck, by the way, then had my favorite dinner food - grilled cheese! Saturday we went and flew kites. That's right, we flew kites! It was so much fun, and I haven't done that since I was a little kid! I was giggling the whole time. There's an awesome picture of me laughing hysterically while sitting on a purple dinosaur with my kite at a park! LOVE IT! hehe Sunday, we slept in late, then did some driving around listening to tunes while looking at various areas of NJ... then had a nice long nap on the couch.
I know this is the real thing because I don't want the weekend to end, nor do I want to leave him. When I was with my ex, I couldn't wait to go home, and I really didn't care that I didn't see him often. I justified it as not being a clingy female and living my own life independently. But in reality, he was an asshole, and I could only take him in small doses. That sounds harsh, but its my truth. Speaking the truth, in the moment, live here in Maryland! hehe
I know this is the real thing because I don't want the weekend to end, nor do I want to leave him. When I was with my ex, I couldn't wait to go home, and I really didn't care that I didn't see him often. I justified it as not being a clingy female and living my own life independently. But in reality, he was an asshole, and I could only take him in small doses. That sounds harsh, but its my truth. Speaking the truth, in the moment, live here in Maryland! hehe
Friday, March 26, 2010
My mind is already on the weekend...
The time seems to be moving so slowly, although its already almost 11am. I just can't wait to leave for NJ and see my Johnny. I just saw him last weekend in DC, but it doesn't seem like we got a lot of time together because I was in school for most of it - and we just had the evenings together. But this weekend should be great!
I'm also excited that my PA signed my contract! Yay! She had one or two small changes to it, but overall, loved it. Now, I just need to make my meeting with my client, and we'll be in business. I also finished my brochure, and will start working on my business cards! Yay! :)
I also have a list of changes for the crazy project at work, but at least time is much more relaxed and I don't have to scramble to get them finished before I leave today. Although I feel a much stronger sense of accomplishment when I'm working in such a tight environment with a turn-around like that, as I like the challenge. I get more lazy when I have more time to complete something. Maybe that is my next thing to work on.
Yay! :) come on weekend! Let's go! :)
I'm also excited that my PA signed my contract! Yay! She had one or two small changes to it, but overall, loved it. Now, I just need to make my meeting with my client, and we'll be in business. I also finished my brochure, and will start working on my business cards! Yay! :)
I also have a list of changes for the crazy project at work, but at least time is much more relaxed and I don't have to scramble to get them finished before I leave today. Although I feel a much stronger sense of accomplishment when I'm working in such a tight environment with a turn-around like that, as I like the challenge. I get more lazy when I have more time to complete something. Maybe that is my next thing to work on.
Yay! :) come on weekend! Let's go! :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Meditation
I started reading the loving-kindness book again, as I find it so very insightful. For some reason, and maybe its because my unconscious body has been working through so much when I do my breathing with David, I just want to go find a rock by the river, sit and meditate. The breeze in my hair, the sun on my face, and just enjoy the calming effects of the deep breathing and meditation.
I get to do some tonight during yoga. I love yoga. I need to find a slightly more intense class, as when I do the practice on my own, following a video on Exercise TV, my body really feels the benefits. Especially when I break a sweat moving through the poses. I found a 50 minute video that had me doing 3 different sun salutation variations quickly that had me up and down off the floor quickly. My biceps have been achy from holding myself in plank pose for some of them. That's the kind of workout I like. I wish I would have an aerobic effect while doing that - as that is how weight is lost.
I've set a new intention and have completed a circle of intention with it too. I want to lose 40 more lbs by November. I've been using the practice of positive intention and holding my hope out to the universe to give me the strength to do it. Its a matter of breaking habits and patterns, which are only good for me to break. Time does heal.
I get to do some tonight during yoga. I love yoga. I need to find a slightly more intense class, as when I do the practice on my own, following a video on Exercise TV, my body really feels the benefits. Especially when I break a sweat moving through the poses. I found a 50 minute video that had me doing 3 different sun salutation variations quickly that had me up and down off the floor quickly. My biceps have been achy from holding myself in plank pose for some of them. That's the kind of workout I like. I wish I would have an aerobic effect while doing that - as that is how weight is lost.
I've set a new intention and have completed a circle of intention with it too. I want to lose 40 more lbs by November. I've been using the practice of positive intention and holding my hope out to the universe to give me the strength to do it. Its a matter of breaking habits and patterns, which are only good for me to break. Time does heal.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Pair Consulting
I created a new company (make-believe) for my practicum consulting project, called Pair Consulting. It is a play on words, as I plan to "pair" i.e. partner with my client - and my logo is a pear. Cute! I like the design so far, and my artistic boyfriend is going to help me beef it up a smidgen! yay!
I think I have so much energy about this because its new, exciting, and totally not like something I've worked on in awhile. I need a mental break to make my work interesting again - and this is what I need. I also need a vacation. I've been pretty much going non-stop since July. Yes, I was in Bermuda for 2 weeks, but that was an emotional roller-coaster where I worked from 8am-Midnight each day either with the client, in class, or with my team. There really wasn't escape time to just sit and ponder. I need escape time. I think I'm going to get some this weekend at my boyfriend's... at least a chance to sleep in for a few days. I haven't had that in awhile.
By the way... 8 Months to graduation! :)
I think I have so much energy about this because its new, exciting, and totally not like something I've worked on in awhile. I need a mental break to make my work interesting again - and this is what I need. I also need a vacation. I've been pretty much going non-stop since July. Yes, I was in Bermuda for 2 weeks, but that was an emotional roller-coaster where I worked from 8am-Midnight each day either with the client, in class, or with my team. There really wasn't escape time to just sit and ponder. I need escape time. I think I'm going to get some this weekend at my boyfriend's... at least a chance to sleep in for a few days. I haven't had that in awhile.
By the way... 8 Months to graduation! :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Purple Practicum Prettiness
I have a fascination with school/office supplies. I like them, and the prettier they are the better. Actually, that was always the best part of getting ready to go to school - the supplies. On one level I like to be organized, it gives me the illusion of control, but on another, my organization only lasts as long as I maintain interest in it. I'm challenging myself to use the organization and stretch my awareness for 7 months.
I stopped at Office Depot after work yesterday to stock up on organization to get ready for my practicum. They didn't have 2inch pink binders, so I went for a purple theme. I have a shiny new collection of purple things: binder, pencil case, binder clips, paper clips, pens, table of contents dividers, and a binder calendar. WOW! I am even putting together a bag to carry it around in, so I can stay organized and prepare all the time.
I am ahead of the curve, as yesterday I started my project timeline and wrote my PA Contract. I even have my letter and my learning goals completed, and already started client conversation for contracting! yay! :) I'm using Google Docs for the first time to share some of the documents that I'm writing so they can be edited by my PA. We'll see how that goes. Her father is in the hospital this morning so she wasn't able to review it yet - my thoughts and prayers are with her.
I also am now connected to Buzz on google, so all of my blog posts get automatically posted onto Buzz. Not sure if I like it or not, but I stopped posting my stuff to facebook because too many people were friends of mine on the facebook account - some people that I didn't want to read my blog. Yay! :)
So today I am going to kill some trees as I print all of the guidelines documents, and syllabus (23 pages of syllabus) for this project. Plus I'm going to start printing information about my client and looking for any information about them. Another day of freedom at work! :)
I stopped at Office Depot after work yesterday to stock up on organization to get ready for my practicum. They didn't have 2inch pink binders, so I went for a purple theme. I have a shiny new collection of purple things: binder, pencil case, binder clips, paper clips, pens, table of contents dividers, and a binder calendar. WOW! I am even putting together a bag to carry it around in, so I can stay organized and prepare all the time.
I am ahead of the curve, as yesterday I started my project timeline and wrote my PA Contract. I even have my letter and my learning goals completed, and already started client conversation for contracting! yay! :) I'm using Google Docs for the first time to share some of the documents that I'm writing so they can be edited by my PA. We'll see how that goes. Her father is in the hospital this morning so she wasn't able to review it yet - my thoughts and prayers are with her.
I also am now connected to Buzz on google, so all of my blog posts get automatically posted onto Buzz. Not sure if I like it or not, but I stopped posting my stuff to facebook because too many people were friends of mine on the facebook account - some people that I didn't want to read my blog. Yay! :)
So today I am going to kill some trees as I print all of the guidelines documents, and syllabus (23 pages of syllabus) for this project. Plus I'm going to start printing information about my client and looking for any information about them. Another day of freedom at work! :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Practicum 1 Weekend in DC
I don't think I've ever felt so clear about a project as my Practicum 1 weekend at graduate school this weekend in DC. The professor and the 5 PAs went over every detail step-by-step, which really helped me understand what is due, and when. Sometimes it got very redundant, but in the end it was worth it. I also got a lot of clarity about which client I should chose. My original plan was to work within my current work system, picking a division that I do not currently interact with, but I quickly nixed that idea after I realized that I would have to spend a lot of time manging the politics and my boss. I really don't need that added stress right now. I have enough going on at work, and I think it will benefit me to work outside of my current system.
So, my client is going to be my priest's new church in Fredrick. He wants to get the parishioners involved in the church decision making and much like any non-profit with volunteer members - figure out what they want most out of their membership. This lends itself to a pretty easy project that I could be passionate about. I will also stretch my learning because my client is a friend, and managing the boundaries of that relationship will be challenging so I do not get sucked into doing more work that what I contracted for - as a favor.
I also really like my PA - Renee. She's fun, open, and very flexible, and she is going to help me become a scholar. I seem to be one step ahead of the curve, and have internalized all of the theory of OD, so I can talk about it - I just can't attribute it to anyone in particular. Which is really a good thing, because I'll be acting on instinct instead of searching for answers. However, that doesn't come in handy when I have to quote theory in my paper. She gave me some recommendations on how to handle that, so I'm going to start making a matrix of theorists in layman's terms in order to help me remember it.... its not important in the real world - but I have to be able to quote theory from my head in order to take my 4 hour comprehensive exam in November to graduate. This will be good practice for me, and a good way to start studying. It is an academic program, not a practitioner program, so theory is important.
Then about a year later, I've decided I'm going to start my PhD program. But I'm not sure in what yet. I'm toying between OD and Human Development, and Clinical Psychology. The only issue I have with Clinical Psychology is that I do not want to do a clinical rotation - I just want the in depth knowledge into human nature in order to expand my OD practice... and I can always turn to therapy if my OD practice doesn't work. The other issue is that I have this habit of internalizing, so I'll start coming up with all of these mental disorders I may have and admit myself to a hospital because I'll think I'm going crazy. hehehehee :) (joke)
On another note - this weekend was one of great weather in DC! My boyfriend, John, had so much fun visiting the museums and we both loved the marble bathroom in the hotel. The stupid DC marathon ruined my Saturday morning commute, as it took me nearly 2 hours to go 6 miles. Lovely! I invented a few new curse words during that time. But I got there, and with our relaxed schedule this weekend, I had a lot of time to sit outside and enjoy the weather over lunch and during breaks.
I can't wait for next weekend - I'll be in NJ with John! :)
So, my client is going to be my priest's new church in Fredrick. He wants to get the parishioners involved in the church decision making and much like any non-profit with volunteer members - figure out what they want most out of their membership. This lends itself to a pretty easy project that I could be passionate about. I will also stretch my learning because my client is a friend, and managing the boundaries of that relationship will be challenging so I do not get sucked into doing more work that what I contracted for - as a favor.
I also really like my PA - Renee. She's fun, open, and very flexible, and she is going to help me become a scholar. I seem to be one step ahead of the curve, and have internalized all of the theory of OD, so I can talk about it - I just can't attribute it to anyone in particular. Which is really a good thing, because I'll be acting on instinct instead of searching for answers. However, that doesn't come in handy when I have to quote theory in my paper. She gave me some recommendations on how to handle that, so I'm going to start making a matrix of theorists in layman's terms in order to help me remember it.... its not important in the real world - but I have to be able to quote theory from my head in order to take my 4 hour comprehensive exam in November to graduate. This will be good practice for me, and a good way to start studying. It is an academic program, not a practitioner program, so theory is important.
Then about a year later, I've decided I'm going to start my PhD program. But I'm not sure in what yet. I'm toying between OD and Human Development, and Clinical Psychology. The only issue I have with Clinical Psychology is that I do not want to do a clinical rotation - I just want the in depth knowledge into human nature in order to expand my OD practice... and I can always turn to therapy if my OD practice doesn't work. The other issue is that I have this habit of internalizing, so I'll start coming up with all of these mental disorders I may have and admit myself to a hospital because I'll think I'm going crazy. hehehehee :) (joke)
On another note - this weekend was one of great weather in DC! My boyfriend, John, had so much fun visiting the museums and we both loved the marble bathroom in the hotel. The stupid DC marathon ruined my Saturday morning commute, as it took me nearly 2 hours to go 6 miles. Lovely! I invented a few new curse words during that time. But I got there, and with our relaxed schedule this weekend, I had a lot of time to sit outside and enjoy the weather over lunch and during breaks.
I can't wait for next weekend - I'll be in NJ with John! :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
How did I...
... become the one that is in charge of this crazy project at work? For some reason I'm the fire marshall when it comes to making sure everything is completed, where it is on time, knowing what everyone is working on, the important information from kinkos, and all the other stuff that goes along with project management - and I'm not even a freaking J!
I think the new Amy that has come out of me in the past few months, the much sassier version of me, has become more organized and understands exactly what she wants. She also doesn't have any patience for morons. That's new... but if you can't help me, then get out of my way. Don't stand there wasting my time when I have things to do. I guess this is what is called a "stressed-prompted J".
To fix it, I'm heading to the park after work to enjoy this beautiful weather and walk my mile (I did two last time) and then I'm going to yoga tonight!
I have school this weekend and Johnny is coming down to DC with me - Yay! :) Fun times, and great weather!
Those crazy people at work are on their own! :)
I think the new Amy that has come out of me in the past few months, the much sassier version of me, has become more organized and understands exactly what she wants. She also doesn't have any patience for morons. That's new... but if you can't help me, then get out of my way. Don't stand there wasting my time when I have things to do. I guess this is what is called a "stressed-prompted J".
To fix it, I'm heading to the park after work to enjoy this beautiful weather and walk my mile (I did two last time) and then I'm going to yoga tonight!
I have school this weekend and Johnny is coming down to DC with me - Yay! :) Fun times, and great weather!
Those crazy people at work are on their own! :)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 2 of Relaxation
Today marks the 2nd day of not having a crazy work schedule. Actually, I'm pretty much the only one here right now, which is a good thing. I get to work on some school stuff again, before the crazies get back to the office tomorrow.
I'm sure they will be in a flurry, making last minute changes before the executive pilot next week, but I'm not here on Friday, so for once they are on their own! Yay!
I saw an interesting post on facebook from my friend Lori at work... she's actually off today to celebrate St. Patty's. I think she was meeting people at 7:15am for Irish Car Bombs before her friends went to work! That's INSANE! But those who are dedicated to the cause of St. Patty's are like that... or so I hear. I'm sporting my green today, even though I'm only Irish by association. Everyone thinks I look Irish, so I guess I can pass for it in a pinch.
Today is also the 1 year anniversary of my Uncle Jerry's death. I'm going to have a Coors Light at dinner tonight in honor of him. He passed away unexpectedly last year, which had a crazy impact on the entire family. But such is life.
I haven't heard from Johnny yet this morning, which is odd. I know that his dad was going in for some laser surgery today to remove some cancer cells from his head, but he seemed fine last night when we both went to bed. We always chat via text message, and we had our usual good night conversation. Our inside comment is that we say we love each other "SO BIG!" - like little kids do. He sent me a picture last night with his arms spread wide doing "So BIG!" so I made that the wallpaper of my phone and changed the welcome message to "I Love you SO BIG!" - now I'll always have a reminder. He's such a sweet guy. I'm a dork, but a sweet one.
I'm sure they will be in a flurry, making last minute changes before the executive pilot next week, but I'm not here on Friday, so for once they are on their own! Yay!
I saw an interesting post on facebook from my friend Lori at work... she's actually off today to celebrate St. Patty's. I think she was meeting people at 7:15am for Irish Car Bombs before her friends went to work! That's INSANE! But those who are dedicated to the cause of St. Patty's are like that... or so I hear. I'm sporting my green today, even though I'm only Irish by association. Everyone thinks I look Irish, so I guess I can pass for it in a pinch.
Today is also the 1 year anniversary of my Uncle Jerry's death. I'm going to have a Coors Light at dinner tonight in honor of him. He passed away unexpectedly last year, which had a crazy impact on the entire family. But such is life.
I haven't heard from Johnny yet this morning, which is odd. I know that his dad was going in for some laser surgery today to remove some cancer cells from his head, but he seemed fine last night when we both went to bed. We always chat via text message, and we had our usual good night conversation. Our inside comment is that we say we love each other "SO BIG!" - like little kids do. He sent me a picture last night with his arms spread wide doing "So BIG!" so I made that the wallpaper of my phone and changed the welcome message to "I Love you SO BIG!" - now I'll always have a reminder. He's such a sweet guy. I'm a dork, but a sweet one.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Dreaming Again
I guess I knew that I was going to have a relaxing day today, because I actually went to bed, was able to relax totally and had some crazy dreams. I am going to blame it on the Tacos I had for dinner. So very vivid... but so wacky! Typical!
I am prepping for class this weekend. I think Johnny is actually going to come down and stay with me in DC, which will be a lot of fun. I'm staying at a new place (well, new to me) so this should be good. One of my classmates emailed me to let me know that there is a marathon on Saturday morning in DC, so it looks like a lot of road closures are going to impact us getting to school that morning! Great! Johnny gets to meet some of my friends from school, the girls, so this would be a good time. I think Svenja is bringing David and Stephanie is bringing her husband Jay, so he shouldn't be alone! A table full of women is always daunting.
I got a lot finished today... taking care of a lot of business things that don't involve the big project that I've been working on. Today is the pilot of the program, so I have two days of non-craziness before it starts back up with changes on Thursday. I don't think it will ever be finished, we keep tweaking things. But according to my boss, it has to be perfect. I think her perfectionism is hindering our team. But that is just my professional opinion.
I'm about to start my practicum for school - yay, more pro-bono work! I have an idea for a client, but we'll have to see how my boss feels about it. She has to totally butt out of the work! And that is going to be hard for her, since its a work client that I don't have current contact with. Otherwise I would have to take vacation time to do it. I want my vacation time.
I kicked ass yesterday to get everything finished for them... so I deserve my time away from them.
I am prepping for class this weekend. I think Johnny is actually going to come down and stay with me in DC, which will be a lot of fun. I'm staying at a new place (well, new to me) so this should be good. One of my classmates emailed me to let me know that there is a marathon on Saturday morning in DC, so it looks like a lot of road closures are going to impact us getting to school that morning! Great! Johnny gets to meet some of my friends from school, the girls, so this would be a good time. I think Svenja is bringing David and Stephanie is bringing her husband Jay, so he shouldn't be alone! A table full of women is always daunting.
I got a lot finished today... taking care of a lot of business things that don't involve the big project that I've been working on. Today is the pilot of the program, so I have two days of non-craziness before it starts back up with changes on Thursday. I don't think it will ever be finished, we keep tweaking things. But according to my boss, it has to be perfect. I think her perfectionism is hindering our team. But that is just my professional opinion.
I'm about to start my practicum for school - yay, more pro-bono work! I have an idea for a client, but we'll have to see how my boss feels about it. She has to totally butt out of the work! And that is going to be hard for her, since its a work client that I don't have current contact with. Otherwise I would have to take vacation time to do it. I want my vacation time.
I kicked ass yesterday to get everything finished for them... so I deserve my time away from them.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Busy as a Bee
I wonder where that expression comes from? I guess because Bees put their mind down to their job, especially worker bees, and that's all they do. I have been so busy at work lately that I haven't had a chance to really blog.
I started my work day at 7am. Yes, world, I am usually just waking up around that time and am not normally functioning until 9am, but I made an exception for this. I've learned that if people just leave me alone and stop asking questions I can get a lot done. I had all gazillion changes completed by 8:30am, so the 9am printer deadline. Yet my boss came in and changed a few things. Things were more for looks then for content. That is a pet peeve of mine. Tomato vs To-MATO... as long as the content is there, people get the gist, then you don't have to spend 10 hours lining up spacing. I don't have patience for that level of detail, and I really don't think the senior leaders will notice it. They want the executive version anyway - not the line-by-line version.
Anyway... I had a fun weekend with Johnny. I really love that man. He's a sweetheart, and so caring. A real soft-soul. We went to a St. Patrick's party at my church and had a blast. I was shocked, he was able to get on the dance floor and hold his own with me - even in lining dancing, although he didn't know the steps - it was cute. At one point he just started spinning. hehehe.. :) However, he was sick for most of the weekend, so I just pampered him with movies, chicken noodle soup, and cuddles. When he was getting ready to leave, he thanked me for taking care of him so well, and told me that he will take care of me when I'm sick... then grabbed my hand, put it on his heart, and said, "You know it belongs to you, right?" So SWEET! hehe :)
I want to go home and take a nap. I finished all of my work for the day, now I just need to hang around until 3:30pm for when the stuff comes back from the printers in order to stuff binders. Oh fun! :)
I started my work day at 7am. Yes, world, I am usually just waking up around that time and am not normally functioning until 9am, but I made an exception for this. I've learned that if people just leave me alone and stop asking questions I can get a lot done. I had all gazillion changes completed by 8:30am, so the 9am printer deadline. Yet my boss came in and changed a few things. Things were more for looks then for content. That is a pet peeve of mine. Tomato vs To-MATO... as long as the content is there, people get the gist, then you don't have to spend 10 hours lining up spacing. I don't have patience for that level of detail, and I really don't think the senior leaders will notice it. They want the executive version anyway - not the line-by-line version.
Anyway... I had a fun weekend with Johnny. I really love that man. He's a sweetheart, and so caring. A real soft-soul. We went to a St. Patrick's party at my church and had a blast. I was shocked, he was able to get on the dance floor and hold his own with me - even in lining dancing, although he didn't know the steps - it was cute. At one point he just started spinning. hehehe.. :) However, he was sick for most of the weekend, so I just pampered him with movies, chicken noodle soup, and cuddles. When he was getting ready to leave, he thanked me for taking care of him so well, and told me that he will take care of me when I'm sick... then grabbed my hand, put it on his heart, and said, "You know it belongs to you, right?" So SWEET! hehe :)
I want to go home and take a nap. I finished all of my work for the day, now I just need to hang around until 3:30pm for when the stuff comes back from the printers in order to stuff binders. Oh fun! :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Catching up!
Wow... life has been a whirlwind the last few days, and I finally feel like I can take a breath. Actually, I took a lot of breaths last night as I went to a breathing session with David. I'm a paying customer now, but I got so many benefits of it last night. It was so relaxing.
Anyway.... what's new?
Well, we left work on Friday early to go to my coworkers in Fells Point for a happy hour and surprise baby shower for another coworker. We all needed the wine from the horrible week we had at work. It was just so intense, and our boss' nuttiness doesn't help. I left there and drove up to NJ to be with Johnny.
Johnny and I had an awesome weekend. The weather finally warmed up, and we spent the weekend outside... on Saturday exploring Parvin State Park and then on Sunday exploring different neighborhoods in New Jersey around his church. Because I got to spend some much time with him, I realized that I really really love him. I knew I loved him before, as I love everyone, but I learned this weekend that I am totally head-over heels in love with him. He is such a good man, and I feel so adored when I am with him. I always wanted something like this, and now I have it - and its wonderful! The universe does supply what you need, you just have to know what to ask for. I've found my life partner.
The last two days I've been off site at a Train-the-trainer for the big project we are working on. Its been nuts. First I'm facilitating, then I'm not because I don't have management experience.... yet I'm invited to the TTT anyway to present the material that I designed. Apparently I totally kicked ass doing it because now they want to put me back on the schedule to facilitate. Lord only knows what is going on now!
Anyway, we have so much work to do!
Anyway.... what's new?
Well, we left work on Friday early to go to my coworkers in Fells Point for a happy hour and surprise baby shower for another coworker. We all needed the wine from the horrible week we had at work. It was just so intense, and our boss' nuttiness doesn't help. I left there and drove up to NJ to be with Johnny.
Johnny and I had an awesome weekend. The weather finally warmed up, and we spent the weekend outside... on Saturday exploring Parvin State Park and then on Sunday exploring different neighborhoods in New Jersey around his church. Because I got to spend some much time with him, I realized that I really really love him. I knew I loved him before, as I love everyone, but I learned this weekend that I am totally head-over heels in love with him. He is such a good man, and I feel so adored when I am with him. I always wanted something like this, and now I have it - and its wonderful! The universe does supply what you need, you just have to know what to ask for. I've found my life partner.
The last two days I've been off site at a Train-the-trainer for the big project we are working on. Its been nuts. First I'm facilitating, then I'm not because I don't have management experience.... yet I'm invited to the TTT anyway to present the material that I designed. Apparently I totally kicked ass doing it because now they want to put me back on the schedule to facilitate. Lord only knows what is going on now!
Anyway, we have so much work to do!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Graduated from Therapy
Last night I offically graduated from therapy. My boyfriend is going to throw a little party for me on Friday night because of it! hahahaha!
Actually, it was an uneventful session, as I again told her where I am in life and she made the comment that I've come so far and I really have myself back to a comfortable place without anxiety attacks. I guess my friend Jenn was right when she mentioned that everyone has episodes and I just was not used to handling them. I also got to meet my therapist's grand-dog, who ended up scratching my nose. But very cute! hehe
I've taken to journaling in a private space at night before I get into bed. Its two for the price of one journaling. I do some quiet meditation and deep breathing while I'm writing, and then I end up sleeping really well. Although I don't want to get up in the morning because I am so comfortable. I actually fell asleep sitting up last night at my laptop with my head propped up against my jewelry box. I was working on my paper, got sleepy, and just closed my eyes for a second. 30 mins later I woke up and decided to go to bed! I can fall asleep anywhere. Which is kind of amusing since I'm very flexible. Some positions I relax into seem to be body-defying.
Mmmmmm.... Zen tea. I have a nice big hot cup of my favorite tea - Tazo Zen. Its a mix of lemongrass and spearmint. The smell alone puts me into a Zen state. I wonder if I can find incense with this mix of smells... it would be wonderful to yoga too. By the way, I invented a verb last night - yogaing. It means to do yoga. My therapist liked it.
I have two more sleeps before I'm back in Johnny's arms again. I count things by sleeps. I always have, but it seems to help the time go faster! I get to sleep in both Saturday and Sunday with him, which is going to be wonderful. He keeps my feet warm, rubs my back, and doesn't mind holding me until I fall asleep. What a guy! :)
Actually, it was an uneventful session, as I again told her where I am in life and she made the comment that I've come so far and I really have myself back to a comfortable place without anxiety attacks. I guess my friend Jenn was right when she mentioned that everyone has episodes and I just was not used to handling them. I also got to meet my therapist's grand-dog, who ended up scratching my nose. But very cute! hehe
I've taken to journaling in a private space at night before I get into bed. Its two for the price of one journaling. I do some quiet meditation and deep breathing while I'm writing, and then I end up sleeping really well. Although I don't want to get up in the morning because I am so comfortable. I actually fell asleep sitting up last night at my laptop with my head propped up against my jewelry box. I was working on my paper, got sleepy, and just closed my eyes for a second. 30 mins later I woke up and decided to go to bed! I can fall asleep anywhere. Which is kind of amusing since I'm very flexible. Some positions I relax into seem to be body-defying.
Mmmmmm.... Zen tea. I have a nice big hot cup of my favorite tea - Tazo Zen. Its a mix of lemongrass and spearmint. The smell alone puts me into a Zen state. I wonder if I can find incense with this mix of smells... it would be wonderful to yoga too. By the way, I invented a verb last night - yogaing. It means to do yoga. My therapist liked it.
I have two more sleeps before I'm back in Johnny's arms again. I count things by sleeps. I always have, but it seems to help the time go faster! I get to sleep in both Saturday and Sunday with him, which is going to be wonderful. He keeps my feet warm, rubs my back, and doesn't mind holding me until I fall asleep. What a guy! :)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Back to the Gym
So after a long break for the last month or so, I've finally made it back to the gym last night. Yay! I got in 30mins of cardio while reading my assignment for class, and then did some deep stretching. I've missed the gym. I always feel so good when I leave.
Tonight is my last session with my therapist. Yay! Actually, its just been a formality now for the last 5 months or so, as I've been doing really well. She's a nice lady, and I enjoy talking to her, but I really don't have any issues right now to work through.
I'm also stopping my medicine next month! Yay! That reminds me that I need to make an appointment with my doctor so we can begin the withdrawl application of the meds. I think I'm supposed to go to every other day, or drop the dosage down to 10 opposed to 20... but she'll decide that. I feel ready to come off of it, and I can always go back on if I need it. But I really don't need it. I feel like I'm back in control of me, and I have since I started taking it - so that's the placebo effect for you.
I've been looking at houses again. There's a few that I want to buy, but I want to wait until I'm finished school... so next year this time, I'll be a home owner! yay! I just want to own a place of my own, where I can have my own rules, own style, and live as I want. I still feel like I have to check in with my mom now, since I live there. Although I live financially independent of her, I do it out of respect. It caught me as funny when I was over John's parents house this past weekend. His youngest brother, Eric, was going out to a friend's. Eric is in his early 20s. And John's parents looked at each other and said something like, "Is he coming home tonight?" and the other said, "I don't know, we'll see if he's here in the morning." And they were totally cool about it. I couldn't help but think about my mother... that would never fly. I would have to tell her where I'm going, what time I'll be home, call her when I get there if its out of the state, let her know what time I'll be home, pack a bag, make sure I have everything I possibly need in the bag, etc. etc. etc. I would also have to tell her what clothes I'm taking, because she feels the need to iron everything - God forbid if I show up somewhere without my clothes ironed. I need to move out! hehe
Tonight is my last session with my therapist. Yay! Actually, its just been a formality now for the last 5 months or so, as I've been doing really well. She's a nice lady, and I enjoy talking to her, but I really don't have any issues right now to work through.
I'm also stopping my medicine next month! Yay! That reminds me that I need to make an appointment with my doctor so we can begin the withdrawl application of the meds. I think I'm supposed to go to every other day, or drop the dosage down to 10 opposed to 20... but she'll decide that. I feel ready to come off of it, and I can always go back on if I need it. But I really don't need it. I feel like I'm back in control of me, and I have since I started taking it - so that's the placebo effect for you.
I've been looking at houses again. There's a few that I want to buy, but I want to wait until I'm finished school... so next year this time, I'll be a home owner! yay! I just want to own a place of my own, where I can have my own rules, own style, and live as I want. I still feel like I have to check in with my mom now, since I live there. Although I live financially independent of her, I do it out of respect. It caught me as funny when I was over John's parents house this past weekend. His youngest brother, Eric, was going out to a friend's. Eric is in his early 20s. And John's parents looked at each other and said something like, "Is he coming home tonight?" and the other said, "I don't know, we'll see if he's here in the morning." And they were totally cool about it. I couldn't help but think about my mother... that would never fly. I would have to tell her where I'm going, what time I'll be home, call her when I get there if its out of the state, let her know what time I'll be home, pack a bag, make sure I have everything I possibly need in the bag, etc. etc. etc. I would also have to tell her what clothes I'm taking, because she feels the need to iron everything - God forbid if I show up somewhere without my clothes ironed. I need to move out! hehe
Monday, March 1, 2010
Fasting
Okay, that's it, I'm going to start fasting. I had another episode early this morning/late last night that hurt my stomach so badly. I didn't have breakfast, as I drove home from NJ early to make it to church and then teach confirmation. I didn't get lunch until after 1pm, and I was starving. Mom and I went to Outback, and I had too many carbs. I had the baked cheese fries as an appetizer and then one of their pasta dishes, plus some bread. I was stuffed. I wasn't hungry for dinner, but mom wanted to cook something, as she didn't want us to go to bed hungry. So I ended up eating some chicken nuggets and mac&cheese with green beans. My stomach revolted.
I had pain because it was over-stuffed and I couldn't function. I ended up getting sick and vomiting. My stomach felt better after that, but then I had an adverse reaction to the soda I drank to calm my stomach, plus a gallbladder attack from all of the fatty food. I had so much hyped up energy from the soda, that I couldn't lay still. Yet I couldn't get comfortable and fall asleep because of the gallbladder pain.
I finally feel asleep around 2:30-3:00am and the alarm went off at 7am. So not much sleep for me. Luckily I had a long nap in the afternoon yesterday, otherwise I would be really mentally hurting.
I am beginning to understand that I have a food addiction. Why do I say that? Because I know that I have food that I shouldn't be eating, yet I eat it anyway and suffer. I guess I'm just hungry in the moment, and even though I have a moment of clarity where I think "this isn't going to be good," yet I eat it anyway. Of course I could have told you that eating all that food yesterday would not be good for me, yet it went into my mouth. Why do I do that? That's the behavior of an addict. Stuck on something and not able to stop.
I just had pure fruit juice for breakfast, and I've only had some fruit so far today. I'm sticking to it this time, because I like my sleep, and I don't like to wake to pain like that. It sucks not being able to sleep when I am so tired, and I can't get comfortable to do that. I ended up laying 1/2 on the bed and 1/2 off, as it felt better to have my right arm stretched over my head. I don't understand why, but opening my chest cavity and stretching it gave my gallbladder more room to function. who knows! I'm drawing a line in the sand... I'm not going to do that ever again.
I had pain because it was over-stuffed and I couldn't function. I ended up getting sick and vomiting. My stomach felt better after that, but then I had an adverse reaction to the soda I drank to calm my stomach, plus a gallbladder attack from all of the fatty food. I had so much hyped up energy from the soda, that I couldn't lay still. Yet I couldn't get comfortable and fall asleep because of the gallbladder pain.
I finally feel asleep around 2:30-3:00am and the alarm went off at 7am. So not much sleep for me. Luckily I had a long nap in the afternoon yesterday, otherwise I would be really mentally hurting.
I am beginning to understand that I have a food addiction. Why do I say that? Because I know that I have food that I shouldn't be eating, yet I eat it anyway and suffer. I guess I'm just hungry in the moment, and even though I have a moment of clarity where I think "this isn't going to be good," yet I eat it anyway. Of course I could have told you that eating all that food yesterday would not be good for me, yet it went into my mouth. Why do I do that? That's the behavior of an addict. Stuck on something and not able to stop.
I just had pure fruit juice for breakfast, and I've only had some fruit so far today. I'm sticking to it this time, because I like my sleep, and I don't like to wake to pain like that. It sucks not being able to sleep when I am so tired, and I can't get comfortable to do that. I ended up laying 1/2 on the bed and 1/2 off, as it felt better to have my right arm stretched over my head. I don't understand why, but opening my chest cavity and stretching it gave my gallbladder more room to function. who knows! I'm drawing a line in the sand... I'm not going to do that ever again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
