The Weaning Process

As many of you know, I started taking anti-anxiety medicine back in July of last year, just because of everything that was going on in my life at that time. Frankly, I thought I was losing my mind, but after therapy, learning to have fun again, breathing with David, yoga, meditation, reading some Buddhist books, and all of the other life changes I've made - I finally figured it all out. Well, I figured out what was happening to me. Here it is: I never processed my breakup with my ex boyfriend. I just buried it under the layers of fat inside of me to hide it away. When I was faced with suddenly turning 30 and my life not where I always imagined it being, the emotions started to leak out. Actually, my therapist likes to say that I cracked open like an egg, and everything I've ever held inside of me came out. That just goes to show that its not good to hold opinions and things inside, and its best to share them when they happen.

I also thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and I had to come to conclusion about what that would look like, and if I didn't get my way, what kind of person I wanted to be - what kind of adult did I want to be. Over the last 8 months I've figured that out, lost weight, cleared out my subconscious, and started being the authentic adult woman I wanted to be. Now its time to start weaning off the medication.

I had my doctors appointment, and she told me that she only gave it to me because I was freaking myself out, and she didn't think I really needed it to begin with. My anxiety was episodic and was spurred by an event, as I never had a history of this in my earlier life. That's what freaked me out - I was totally not "myself." So I've started the weaning process. I'm doing every other day for 2 weeks, then 3 times a week for a week, and then 2 times a week for a week before I stop it completely. My dosage is so low, that I really don't have to have an intense process. But my body is used to it, so I have to do it slowly. I was worried, but yesterday went really well, and I totally forgot about it until I was driving home from DC last night.

Here's the thing... I want to get to a spot where I never think about it again. I just forget that this ever happened to me. Not that I forget the lessons I learned, or destroy the new woman I've become, but I get to a place where I don't think about having to take meds to get over something. The stigma of the whole thing sits hard on my shoulders. I know that is to do with my own personal need to be perfect - a reality that does not exist. But I don't want others to feel sorry for me, or feel like something is wrong with me, and lose my credibility. I have such a high reputation as the one who holds it together and is brilliant that I have based most of my identity on that. To hear my Buddhist friends speak, that is really what is going on here. I'm trying to destroy my own ego, and the ego is using tricks and anxiety to hold on. The ego sort of grows a mind of its own and the worse thing that could happen to the ego is for it to not exist. I'm working on it. To live without ego is an entirely humbling experience. Its never about me in the first place, its always about others, but I like others to think about me in a good way.

Anyway- I'm on the process to get off the meds... and since I have the love and support of my friends, family, and boyfriend - I think this is going to work wonderfully! I just have to stay patient and know that in a few years, this will just be a blip on my radar screen of life.