New Year's Eve

So I'm not going to VA and set my intentions at a fire pit with some yoga as I first thought I was going to do. I woke up to ice and snow this morning, so I'm going to stay closer to home. I have a paper to finish, or actually start, plus I have a date this weekend if the weather holds up. Its a first date, so we'll see if we like each other and how it goes!

I'm looking cute today with my jeans, sweater, and my jeans tucked into my fury boots! Look who looks trendy! hehe :)

Okay, I have to cut it short in order to get stuff ready for our big presentation on Monday. We are leaving work early today, and I want to have it finished so I can focus on my paper and not it over the weekend.

Counting down to the New Year

I had a doctor's appointment this morning, which ran late because she went to her different office by accident. Silly doctor! hehehe Everything checked out fine with my GYN appointment, and all is right in my world. She is living vicariously through me, since I'm single and 30, and she's my age and married with kids. I really enjoy her!

Today we are scrambling to get the project finished, and I may just have enough peace and quiet to get it done. My usual annoyance isn't here today, so I won't have to run PR for her, or boost her confidence. She had a bit of drama yesterday, so its good that she is taking a day to rest.

Tonight I am going to start my paper for class, which is due on Monday. I just don't feel like writing it, as I really don't know where to start. That's a lie, I do know where to start, but it feels like annoying busy work for me, which I don't appreciate that type of work. But I guess they have to have something tangible to grade us on.

I need a massage... I got a gift certificate for one, so I just need to make the appointment - I can't wait! :)

Okay... back to work!

Mmmmm... I love good food

I'm such a foodie when it comes to going out to restaurants. I like nothing more than getting dressed up and going to a swanky place. The atmosphere, the new food, the company, the drinks - its so fun to spend money on that stuff!

I met my friend Stacey last night at Pazo, which is an old wharehouse that has been redone into a swanky restaurant. DELICIOUS!

More later... must go work!

Detox

Now I fully understand what I've been doing to my body all of these years.

Over the last weekend, pretty much since the snow, I've eaten nothing but junk. By that I mean processed foods, cream sauces, cookies, chocolates, pecan crusted toppings with sugar, and a variety of other things that just are not healthy. And I feel like crap. I mean, I'm functioning, but it is not in a good way. My body is trying to get all the junk out of it, and just release the toxins.

I'm back to eating fruit and drinking juice this morning, and on my water regime while I get it all out of me. I'm going out to dinner tonight, but I'm limiting my menu to what is healthy.

But anyway - I had an awesome Christmas. It started at Aunt Carolyn's on Christmas Eve before meeting up with RoseCarol and TJ to go to midnight mass. I got a new flipcam for Christmas, and I am so excited about it - its awesome and fun to use. We headed to my cousin Wendy's for dinner, and I got hit on by Jess's boyfriend's dad. He wants to take me ghost hunting, which I thought was kinda funny. And... I got drunk! hehe No, I wasn't snuggling up to him, but I think this is the first time my family saw my real personality come up. I was pretty much a talkative fool with a running, unfiltered commentary on everything. They were hysterical, laughing at me! hehe They never knew I was so funny. Duh!

We left there and headed to my other cousins, where I had more food, and then promptly got sick. I think it was a mixture of my 8 drinks, and then eating an Italian Cold Cut when I wasn't even hungry. I have never gotten sick before from drinking, so I'm hard pressed to say it was the food. But anyway, I felt better afterwards.

Saturday we went to visit my Aunt Kass and cousin Ben, whom I adore. We played games for over 5 hours and did some snuggling while watching Spongebob and eating cookies. I still don't know how a 4 year old manages to beat me at all the games. He always picks the cards worth the most money, and gets the most pairs with go-fish. He got a candy claw machine from his other grandmother for Christmas, so we spent time playing with that. He was good tho - he didn't want to eat any of the candy, he just put it back in the machine - the thrill for him was getting it out of the machine.

Sunday I did some shopping, and then Mom and I headed to Hampden to see the Miracle on 34th street. It was crazy, as usual, but a lot of fun. I have some great video of all of my adventures, but haven't uploaded it yet.

I'm back at the grind for the rest of the week, hoping it doesn't snow on NYE so I can go to Virgina. But we'll see!

One more day!

Today is my last day of work until Monday - I can't wait! I need the break, although I'll be working on a paper for class. But that's not as bad as all the craziness that has been going on at work. But I finally got everything ready to be sent out the door, overnighted. It should be back to us on Monday, and the craziness will begin again, but at least I have a few days of relaxation.

I finished my first sweater for my 4 year old cousin, and now I'm working on one for the 3 year old. Its adorable, with a pocket in the front to keep toys. I found it in a magazine and couldn't resist. Its not a Christmas present, just a "just because" present.

I've read the Emotion Code, and I now know how to test my body and get the answers that I'm needing. Opposed to using my mind to answer questions, I can figure out what my body wants. Its called the "Sway" test and the "muscle" test. So far its been pretty accurate, and I've released some trapped emotions in my body. Some people will read this and think I'm off my rocker, but I'm really into that holistic body-mind connection healing stuff now. There's some merit to it, and I think I've found what I've been looking for, for a long time. Wait to you hear about what I'm doing for New Years! hehe

Peppy Peppy Peppy

I have a lot of internal energy today, which is kinda cool. Its not outside of my body, but I seem to have an internal sugar fix! hehe Anyway!

I got some really good feedback from a colleague yesterday. We were in a meeting yesterday with a vendor who was presenting a few different facilitators to us to use for the upcoming system-roll-out. After the meeting we were talking about who's style would mesh with the different facilitators, and we were talking about one in particular who I had an adverse reaction to. She reminded me of Sr. Helena who I had in grade school. Anyway, my colleague said that when I present, there is a lot going on, and people feel safe to explore their learning, and its very fluid, but I have control of the entire room the whole time, even though they don't know it. Someone else piped up and said that is because she knows where she needs to get them, and they trust her to get them there. Neat!

I have lots of work to do today, but I'm too much into the Christmas mood to do it. I just want to twirl in my chair and party. Twirling is always fun. hehe :)

Blizzard of 2009!

What a wonderful weekend spent inside knitting! I did do some work on Sunday night, but I mostly spent it working on a sweater for one of my 4 year old cousins. My first sweater, and its adorable! Its easy to work on, since it is so small, I don't get bored with it! hehe

I used the Law of Attraction to manifest a man with a back-hoe, who showed up yesterday afternoon and actually cleared the 10 feet+ that the snow plow usually leaves in front of our parking pad. We normally have to shovel far out into the street to just get the cars out. I don't know if I really manifested him, but I was hating doing the work, and was wishing that someone would come by and fix it. It worked! He got a few of my neighbors plowed out too, before disappearing around the corner! Good man! hehe My mom was teasing me that I was dating 4 different guys a few months ago, and now that I'm not, we get a blizzard. I found humor in that as well.

I gave up on the shoveling at one point and just fell back into the snow and made a snow angel. The only thing I don't like about making snow angels is that I always mess them up when I get out of them. I need someone to come by and just pick me up, so I don't get stuck and mess it up! hehe

I also saw pictures of one of my ex's new girlfriend - sometimes a woman just knows when to admit defeat. She's amazingly beautiful and so photogenic. Hopefully she treats him well, as he really is a good guy. No, I am not talking about my most recent ex. Not that I wanted to get back with him or anything, but just saying.

I'm starting to get a crush on the new guy, J. We've been emailing a lot with each other, and his sense of humor just cracks me up. He gets my humor, and just goes with it. We have invented a story about someone we call FJ - i.e. Flat J. Since J lives out of state, we started teasing that I can just print out a life-size picture of him and carry it around - Flat J. The story line is about my adventures with FJ, as since he is 1-dimensional his brain isn't all that functioning. I think J told me that FJ was raised by bats and grew up in the wilds of the backwoods of NJ, that's why I found him in my closet hanging upside down with his ipod on the other morning. He only speaks piglatin ebonics too, so I have to communicate with a translator. LOL I do crack myself up. hehe :) But he's on the right track for winning me over - get my creative brain going and have me laughing! hehe :)

Dancing the 5Rhythms Again

Today is going to be a busy day. I'm leaving the office in an hour or so and then heading to DC for a meeting. Then I'm leaving there, picking up F in the middle of Dupont Circle, then meeting classmates/friends with F in Bethesda for dinner, then going with everyone to dance the 5Rhythms tonight! All before the snow storm starts late at night!

Its going to be a fun day! I'm really excited about seeing everyone. Stephanie and I have been talking and we decided that we are going to go on one of those wild female-empowering retreats and dance naked around campfires to let our inner animal out. I've learned to subdue the inner beast of many a man, so now I need to work on letting mine out! Maybe that is the intention I will set for the dance tonight - to let my inner animal out!

Kundalini Yoga

My coworker gave me a few yoga video tapes because she was not going to use them anymore, and I spent last night doing an hour long Kundalini Yoga workout. It kicked my butt! Its a lot of fast repetitive movement that lasts for over 3 minutes each. Bending to the floor and touching the sky, up and down, up and down really builds up a sweat! I felt my energy awaken, which is a good thing.

This journey I am on, living in the moment and getting in touch with my internal experience has been amazing. I'm still asking my body what it needs, and as my head wanders in its infinite glory down avenues of thought, I just smirk at it and say, "there it goes again." I've learned to be open, and as I am re posturing my body to be open and not hunched, I can feel the pull in my lower back as my muscles get used to new alignment.

It feels good to be me.

What an Experience

It has been a hell of a day. But in a good way. Very busy, but very productive. I taught a class this morning about communications and I'm pretty sure I knocked it out of the park! All 21 of them were totally engaged with lots of activity and chatter - I think it was worth it! I got back and had to get our catalog posted on the web, and then I was in a design meeting this afternoon. I'm able to sit down and write.

Last night was AWESOME with David. I had a breathing session with him, my 5th, and I really tapped into something. We had a long conversation, and I started to be authentic. He called me on my shit, and he knows that I play the "game." He found me out. So we talked about my fears and my challenges with taking up space and power... which was a helpful conversation. We think I hide behind words just as much as I hide behind fat. Interesting connection that I hadn't made and then saw.

During the breathing, I felt a lot of fear, and was able to cry that out. Then I had an amazing experience. My body shifted into a very open position, and it felt like energy was pouring out of me like light - just running like a raging river. I felt like I was engulfed in light, and all of my charkas were engaged. Afterwards David asked what happened, and then told me that he didn't see the light but he felt it. He said that he wasn't sure when, or how, but suddenly my energy filled the room and basically poured out of me hitting him in the gut. He couldn't do anything but sit in it, as it was a wonderful thing to witness and see. He said it was almost like I was fighting it, then my subconscious said, "hell with this, I'm letting it go" and it just happened. I let go. I felt so open and calm afterwards. My body was actually vibrating with energy, almost humming. It was amazing! I'm still feeling the aftershocks now.... hehe

Off to the gym tonight! I am safe to be thin!

Feeling Powerful!

A weekend with the cohort always leaves me feeling energized and ready to tackle life when I get back to reality. There is something about being with like-minded individuals all weekend that is so good for the soul. I can't wait until I get to spend over 10 days with them in Bermuda in Feb - its going to be awesome!

I feel like I am owning my power today. And it really has to do with dressing for success. I have one a cute knit black dress, black tights, and knee-high black suede boots with a red scarf. I feel in control, on top of things, and I'm making decisions left and right. I stepped up to the plate and I feel good.

I've been asking my body a new question every day, to try to stay out of my head, "What does my body need right now?" And it is amazing at the answers that I get.

I am also reading a new book about weight-loss. I am only on chapter 5 but it is delving into the concept of emotional obesity, which I think I am living with. We have already established that I do not eat a large diet, its actually limited in the amount of food I eat and incredibly varied in nutrition. I mostly eat healthy items. Yet my body loses some weight, and then I always get stuck. I feel healthy, I am medically healthy, yet my body carries the weight.

The book talks about how based on design, it will regulate your weight based on what you need and how safe you feel. If you are starving, you will retain weight, if you need to flee and are afraid, you body will shed weight. No matter how the diet changes and the amount of exercise done. Its just not about calories in or calories out. However, humans no longer have those same stressors, but our body reacts in the old way. There are programs set in the body to maintain weight, and if under stress of a certain kind, the program will turn on or off. I asked myself the key question, "Is it safe for me to be thin right now?" And my gut reaction was "no." That means I have some sort of subconscious message that I learned to make myself believe that the only way to be safe is to be fat. The fat is either a physical barrier to keep me from others, or I may be emotionally starving for something, which my body translates into a food shortage. When I asked myself, "Do I want to lose weight?" The answer is "yes." So even though my conscious wants it, its really my subconscious that controls the program. I need to change the program through my subconscious which involves changing my belief system through positive affirmations when I'm in a meditative state.

Pretty neat... huh? We'll see if it works! hehe :)

School Projects

Grrrrrr... where does the time go? I keep asking myself that, but the fact is, sometimes I get tired, don't feel like doing it, or would rather be reading or knitting. I finished two assignments, now I just need to finish the one with Sarah tonight so we can post it on the web and be ready to present it tomorrow.

On a good note! I have a date with F tomorrow after school. He's meeting me after his work in DC and we are going to the Lebanese Taverna... I love that place. A classmate introduced me to one, as its a family chain and they have one in Baltimore too. We are going to get a bunch of yummies to share and then maybe take a stroll around Conn Ave to look at the lights. I'm going to drive him back to the commuter bus stop, since he takes the commuter bus into DC. It'll be good to spend some time with him.

I've also been talking to a new guy, J. J lives in NJ, not too far away, but he's a lot of fun. We seem to have a lot in common, and we've been emailing back in forth at work and in the evening. Its not weird, moving too fast emails, like I had before with K and D. Actually its more fun, laugh out loud, corny emails... somehow we got on the topic of childhood toys the other day and I came out with, "Barbie dated He-man for awhile, but he dropped her after she wanted to turn castle Greyskull into castle Pinkskull".... he picked it right up from there and went into other nonsense. I like people that I can have silly banter with that makes no sense, because its fun for me. That banter is what makes me feel connected. I didn't feel that with K (plus he kisses like a wet vacuum), and D has just become weird... I have stopped actively engaging him in conversation awhile ago, and his texts now are random. GOOFY! But F is hanging in there with me - this is date number 5! We already planned date number 6 next week, we are going to 5Rhythms again! :)

Okay..... off to a meeting offsite for the rest of the day!

Odd Day

I am so proud of myself - I actually ran on the treadmill last night. Okay, it was only for 2 and 1/2 minutes, but it was still running. I was speed walking and reading articles for class, and after I finished the article I felt like running. So I did. I always worry about running because its supposed to be 4x your weight coming down on your knees when you run - which is a hell of a lot of weight for someone my size! But it felt awesome!

Today I woke up to hear that I am trapped in my neighborhood. Making a right onto Eastern Ave would bring you to down power line and a flood, and to the left is an over-turned car and a almost two hour backup to get out that way. CRAZY! I decided to stay and work from home in the morning until noon.

I got a good start on my Tab 4 at my work project for 2 hours, before breaking to work on homework for an hour. I have a draft of the presentation that I sent to my classmate, but we both don't want to work on it.

Plus I have bingo tonight - so I'll be talking to her later this evening about it. Oh well - it will be done! hehe

Robert Frost Quote

"Forgive me my nonsense, as I forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense."

I was reading more in "Your Sacred Path," as I am on the chapter about ego. The chapter started with the above quote and I had a good giggle. Its amazing what some of things messages we tell ourselves are, and I am amazed at my own every time.

There were bullets of typical ego pitfalls, and one that I didn't think about before, but one I can own is passing a judgement of, "I would never do that...." or "I would never say that," or "I would never act that way." Those statements are actually putting superiority above someone else, which is a huge function of the ego. The ego's function is to keep us from our divine selves, as it is driven by fear.

One method to counter it is to practice "love." Meaning every time you encounter someone during your day, immediately think love. This gives you peace, and changes your interaction with that person. It allows the Christ in you to see the Christ in others. Very inspiring!

Snow Days are AWESOME

Saturday was an awesome day to relax and watch movies as the first snow fall of the season landed in Baltimore. I even finished some of my knitting projects, except for the collar, and I think it is going to work! Not bad for my first attempt at making a vest. I will tell more once it all comes together!

I got to spend yesterday working with a classmate at her house in Bowie and spending some time with her 6 year old. We played a few games, ate cake, and had a good time! I am an available babysitter when she needs one!

Today I am working at my old stomping grounds at Union Memorial ... and I just got to look out of the old window I used to sit in front of. I think I'm going to walk into Charles Village for lunch, which I've missed. I like working in the city, well, at least this part, as its more residential and there are lots of places to eat and visit. My old florist is still there too!

Must get back to work! Have a super day everyone!

Feeling Awesome!

So I'm able to bring myself out of the doom of anxiety more quickly then before - which is a good thing. My techniques are working! Yay!

I've been thinking more and more about the book that I am going to write, and its really about letting the ego go, and stop allowing it to control my life.

I'm also incredibly stressed with work right now, which makes me more open to having anxiety attacks. My boss and coworkers are driving me crazy with having to make project plans. I hate working on that type of schedule. Especially when its work that I really don't want to do. Their anxiety just elevates mine since I don't want to be there in the first place.

My friend Stephanie and I have been talking about that. Once you learn how to feel your soul and just "be" you stop wanting to do stupid things on timelines that don't please yourself. But there is the Catch22 - I have to make a living! hehe :)

So I am going to find a way to make money while still just be-ing... hehe we'll see what happens! I love my work, honestly I do, I just like to do it on my terms.

Oh well, I only have 1/2 a day of work, then we are having our holiday party! There's rumor of apple cider martinis lurking in my future, and I can't wait to try them! I have a drinking problem - I haven't drank in a long while! hehe

Feeling better

For those that normally follow along, I went to the doctor last night and my appointment went well. My blood pressure is lower, I have lost 10lbs since I was there last about 5 months ago, my pulse rate was awesome, and she could tell that I feel and look better.

I asked her the question that has been lingering on my mind, and she gave me some excellent advice:

1. The medicine only helps a little tiny bit, its really me who has been doing the work and improving.
2. I don't need to worry about my medicine, she will never take it away from me, and if I feel like I need it, then she will keep me on it. I am not to freak out about that again, I just need to worry about getting better.

Because of this set back I had on Tuesday night, with an anxiety attack over this, I'm starting to realize how much we, as humans, have control. It is not something that just happens, we are doing it to ourselves. I read more about the ego, and that its way is to cause anxiety and keep you separated from others through it, as it thrives on fear. Which makes sense when logically thought about.

I am also amused at my thinking... even though I am very intelligent and can recognize an irrational thought that I am having when I catastrophes what is happening to me, I still do it. I think that is the first step in cultivating the witness that I've been reading about. And this was good practice for me in doing that. To recognize that it is happening and what I'm doing to myself to contribute to the process.

With all of that said, I am feeling better today, and am working on spiraling myself out of the fear. I basically went down a mental path very quickly, and I am slowly backing myself back down that path. I'm doing this through using loving-kindness meditation and sitting in peace and joy with my soul. I can actually quiet myself and feel it in my chest.

Because of this, I've been throwing around the idea of writing a book. It actually came to me this morning, much like the idea came to me yesterday to train for a 5k. I've always joked that I am Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. So the name of the book will be, "In Loving Memory of Ms. Practically Perfect in Every Way." It will share my journey and what I've been doing to pull myself out of it. None of the techniques are my own, as they are all things I have been reading from the greats, and I will make sure to include that.... but I think people will appreciate reading it from a woman who they can relate to, in a language they understand. It will be a guide about how to wake up, and not let the insanity of the brain take over. And I think the piece that will appeal to others is that it is valid data that has happened to someone who hasn't had these problems before she turned 30.

I just want to help others, and help myself in the process.

Fear in itself

I have an appointment tonight with my medical doctor and I know that we are going to talk about my medicine, my Prozac. Because of this, I had a freak-out attack where I gathered some anxiety yesterday evening, and ended up crying to let it out. What I want to know, but what I don't want to know is if all of this goodness that I have been able to find, and the clarity, and the Divine within my soul - is it because of the medicine, or is it because of me?

I have made a lot of life changes since I have been awakened. What I mean by that is a few books have written that you have to fall into the pit of insanity before you realize what is happening and you wake up to reality. I feel like that happened to me. As part of that I take time to meditate and do yoga, I do the breathing stuff with David, I've been using the Law of Attraction to attract men into my life, I've been having FUN at every opportunity, and I have gotten used to enjoying time with just myself. So I don't know if I did all of that because of the medicine, or was that me?

I ask this, because what happens when I stop taking the medicine? Will I become anxious again all the time... and considering that the medicine started to help me right away, as in the first day - was it the placebo effect; mind over matter? I feel that the mind can heal, and the power of the Divine within you can lead to that healing to, but if I found it because the medicine stopped me from being anxious and cluttered in my thinking, then I don't want it to go away. My friend Stephanie has made this journey too, and she has done it without meds, so I'm thinking that it is totally possible.

I was also thinking that last night I had an anxiety attack, which I brought on myself by worrying, and if I was able to overpower the medicine with my mind to have the attack, then maybe the medicine really isn't doing anything for me at all.

The only way to tell is to stop taking it to see what happens. And I can always go back on it. But just like I freaked out before when I started taking it, I'm freaking out again.

I think my greatest fear has returned, which I have been able to identify. That the anxiety will inhibit me from living the life I want to live, and I will become trapped, too afraid to do anything. Losing that kind of control is scary, as I pride myself on my accomplishments and I want to function well in the world. I know that fear is irrational, and I know that it won't happen because I am able to find peace inside of me, but sometimes I worry.

Higher Self vs. The Ego

Who wins? In the great battle for sanity, many have written about the dual personalities that live within us. Its not as outstanding as lifetime tv writes the tale, but it is more personal as we learn to let the ego go and live by the guidance of our higher self. What does that mean exactly? It means that anytime you face turmoil or strife, or anytime you find yourself offended or in judgement of something, you are living by your ego. The ego, often written about as its own intelligent being, will fight you constantly in order to stay in tact. That sounds freaky, but its true. The ego will cause anxiety and fear because it believes that the false self that you have created by the ego is the only thing there is... it doesn't want to lose itself.

But the truth is that the higher self of each of us, or the authentic self, consisting of pure divine energy does exist at our core. It is through quieting the mind, the ego, that we allow it to be free. Making decisions and living life with the higher self as the guide brings a natural sense of peace and serenity that the ego is searching for externally. The higher self, often called our authentic self, is the person in me that I want guiding me. Therefore I am taking on the greatest battle of the century, I'm letting my ego go.

Living without fear and living with peace means letting my authentic self guide me in everything.