Fear in itself

I have an appointment tonight with my medical doctor and I know that we are going to talk about my medicine, my Prozac. Because of this, I had a freak-out attack where I gathered some anxiety yesterday evening, and ended up crying to let it out. What I want to know, but what I don't want to know is if all of this goodness that I have been able to find, and the clarity, and the Divine within my soul - is it because of the medicine, or is it because of me?

I have made a lot of life changes since I have been awakened. What I mean by that is a few books have written that you have to fall into the pit of insanity before you realize what is happening and you wake up to reality. I feel like that happened to me. As part of that I take time to meditate and do yoga, I do the breathing stuff with David, I've been using the Law of Attraction to attract men into my life, I've been having FUN at every opportunity, and I have gotten used to enjoying time with just myself. So I don't know if I did all of that because of the medicine, or was that me?

I ask this, because what happens when I stop taking the medicine? Will I become anxious again all the time... and considering that the medicine started to help me right away, as in the first day - was it the placebo effect; mind over matter? I feel that the mind can heal, and the power of the Divine within you can lead to that healing to, but if I found it because the medicine stopped me from being anxious and cluttered in my thinking, then I don't want it to go away. My friend Stephanie has made this journey too, and she has done it without meds, so I'm thinking that it is totally possible.

I was also thinking that last night I had an anxiety attack, which I brought on myself by worrying, and if I was able to overpower the medicine with my mind to have the attack, then maybe the medicine really isn't doing anything for me at all.

The only way to tell is to stop taking it to see what happens. And I can always go back on it. But just like I freaked out before when I started taking it, I'm freaking out again.

I think my greatest fear has returned, which I have been able to identify. That the anxiety will inhibit me from living the life I want to live, and I will become trapped, too afraid to do anything. Losing that kind of control is scary, as I pride myself on my accomplishments and I want to function well in the world. I know that fear is irrational, and I know that it won't happen because I am able to find peace inside of me, but sometimes I worry.