Feeling better

For those that normally follow along, I went to the doctor last night and my appointment went well. My blood pressure is lower, I have lost 10lbs since I was there last about 5 months ago, my pulse rate was awesome, and she could tell that I feel and look better.

I asked her the question that has been lingering on my mind, and she gave me some excellent advice:

1. The medicine only helps a little tiny bit, its really me who has been doing the work and improving.
2. I don't need to worry about my medicine, she will never take it away from me, and if I feel like I need it, then she will keep me on it. I am not to freak out about that again, I just need to worry about getting better.

Because of this set back I had on Tuesday night, with an anxiety attack over this, I'm starting to realize how much we, as humans, have control. It is not something that just happens, we are doing it to ourselves. I read more about the ego, and that its way is to cause anxiety and keep you separated from others through it, as it thrives on fear. Which makes sense when logically thought about.

I am also amused at my thinking... even though I am very intelligent and can recognize an irrational thought that I am having when I catastrophes what is happening to me, I still do it. I think that is the first step in cultivating the witness that I've been reading about. And this was good practice for me in doing that. To recognize that it is happening and what I'm doing to myself to contribute to the process.

With all of that said, I am feeling better today, and am working on spiraling myself out of the fear. I basically went down a mental path very quickly, and I am slowly backing myself back down that path. I'm doing this through using loving-kindness meditation and sitting in peace and joy with my soul. I can actually quiet myself and feel it in my chest.

Because of this, I've been throwing around the idea of writing a book. It actually came to me this morning, much like the idea came to me yesterday to train for a 5k. I've always joked that I am Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. So the name of the book will be, "In Loving Memory of Ms. Practically Perfect in Every Way." It will share my journey and what I've been doing to pull myself out of it. None of the techniques are my own, as they are all things I have been reading from the greats, and I will make sure to include that.... but I think people will appreciate reading it from a woman who they can relate to, in a language they understand. It will be a guide about how to wake up, and not let the insanity of the brain take over. And I think the piece that will appeal to others is that it is valid data that has happened to someone who hasn't had these problems before she turned 30.

I just want to help others, and help myself in the process.