Because this is thriller....

Thriller night!

I'm so excited about seeing MJ tonight at IMAX! I talked my cousin TJ and his mom into going with us too - so that should be fun! hehe He may have to hold me back from dancing in the aisle - I have a tendency to get into it.

So it looks like my next week is shaping up well... I have a date on Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday! WOOT! With 3 different guys... wish me luck!

I finished part one of my paper yesterday, and will work out part 2 today. I just hate that I have to give it to two classmates for review, which means I can't wait until the last minute! I like waiting for the last minute.

Patterns

So I'm falling into my usual pattern... I don't want to do my homework, so I'm finding other fun things to do instead. For instance, flirting with the guys I'm talking to on an off via text message yesterday, and then deciding to begin working on a really cute sweater pattern based on something my coworker was wearing yesterday. Judy and I decided to make one, so we started on the project last night. I knitted my swatch and she helped me figure out how many stitches I need to make. I'm using the beautiful yarn that I brought in the VA yarn shop when I was visiting Stephanie. I know I don't have enough, but I'll switch to another color to compliment it.

Maybe if I follow my other pattern, complaining about my homework on my blog, I will get motivated to write it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! I was happy in my little world with a plan, until I had a conference call with my classmates who went nuts and decided to add all of these other levels of complexity to the paper. Which sounded really good, but that is just too much work. I don't want to do it. I want it to be magically written for me. But I can't seem to talk anyone into writing it for me.

Grasping

I've been reading about the concept of "grasping" in my Buddhist books and it is a very intriguing thought. Basically need becomes so great that you "grasp" onto things, trying to not let them go. Often people grasp on to other people or objects, and I think that's how in extreme cases OCD results.

Although I am still doing my loving-kindness mediation, and am noticing the attention that I am getting from the guys I am attracting, I'm no longer grasping. I'm no longer, with force, trying to make something work so I don't lose it. Its liberating. I just keep focusing on me, and what I want, and if they want to reach out and engage me, I engage back, but I leave it up to them. It just feels much more healthier this way.

I also like my "Amy" time. I like being by myself and relaxing. I enjoy going into my head now and meditating, opposed to always having to entertain myself before. I'm comfortable in my own skin again. And that feels so good. I feel like I'm back to who I was 5 years ago, and that is a good thing.

Amy-ism

So here's a distinct Amy-ism that happens every morning around this time. When I'm eating my morning banana, I start singing the song "Bananas in Pajamas" in my head. It pops up every day, and sometimes, if my coworkers are lucky, I'll hum/sing it out loud. They really love me! hehe

I'm wearing my new soft pink sweater that I got from Old Navy when I bought out half of the company stock this weekend. Its such a great color for my coloring, as it makes me appear delicate. Its sweet in a humble way.

My breathing session went really well last night with David. I actually got "activated" which means that I passed some emotion through me with my intention, and released it through tears. My intention was to "release anger." Actually, my intention was specific and longer, but I had to halt the session when I started because I was supposed to say the intention with the inhale, and I couldn't get through the entire sentence before my body was ready to exhale. David promptly "lost his shit" at that moment, correct the problem by giving me the shorter intention, and away we went. He also had to turn around and not watch me when we were doing the breathing dance, because I came out with the cabbage patch and started rocking it old school. But I did hit him with two heavy topics, so he was ready to call his instructor for reinforcement, but he worked with me off the cuff and did a wonderful job in the process.

During the activation, I just remember feeling that I wanted to be upside down. But the rational part of me knew that I couldn't do the full breathing if I did that. But I wanted to move into plow pose, but I compensated by just pulling my knees up. As the music was getting more intense, I put my hands on my head, and I remember doing that to try to make the emotion stop and hold it in, but then I remembered that I have to let it go. I started crying hysterically, but I kept breathing through it, as I figured it was more than just anger I was releasing, it was deep hurt. David also stayed closer to my feet this time, as he said that I spend too much time in my head as it is, and I need to get into my body. He said that by sitting by my head, that will make too much energy up there. He also used sage to purify me, and a turkey feather to clean out my charkas.

I also have such intense and vivid dreams when I go to sleep after a session with him. Nothing to write home about, but it was just odd. Actually the subject of my anger was in the dream, and we were getting along as if nothing happened. Interesting... There was someone else in the dream, a guy that I knew and felt comfortable with, he was very important to me, but when I woke up, I lost him.

I'm going to be a crazy woman and work on my homework at work today. I just need to get it done! I don't want to! hehe

My nose itches

This weekend was not date filled as intended, as the one was sick and the other's work project hasn't wrapped up yet. But I spent most of the weekend talking to both of them, and right now I kinda like both. I'm reserving judgement until I go out with the one again, and meet the other for the first time, but I enjoy what we've had to say to each other so far.

I did homework and tried to stay out of the rain on Saturday. After falling asleep in my pedicure chair, I had a nice and relaxing afternoon and evening. I finished the book I'm reading for book club, which is Wed. I'm making hot dog mummies as my dish to share, as we are having a Halloween themed party!

Sunday was spent doing fun fall things. The weather was heavenly, so I went to Valley View Farms, met some really big pumpkins, had dinner at The Still, and then took the scenic route through upper Baltimore County home to look at the trees. I really want to walk the NCR trail, or at least part of it. I think there would be amazing shots for pictures to take at this time of the year.

Tonight I have my meeting with David again. I can't wait. I just feel so safe and loved with that man. His energy is amazing. I think this work is a really good calling for him. Tomorrow night I have therapy, Wednesday is book club, Thursday is Yoga, and Friday I got tickets to see the new Michael Jackson movie in IMAX! I can't wait! :)

I also did some shopping yesterday at Old Navy, and bought out most of the store. I like that I fit into their clothes now. WOOO HOOO! :)

Awesome Date

I feel like I'm floating on cloud nine. I had an awesome date last night - he's so sweet! And I felt a lot of chemistry between us. Its good to have an honest interaction with someone who doesn't hold back any punches when it comes to his interest.

We're going out Saturday night too - and I can't wait! :) Yay! I've missed dating, and it is so good to be back at it!

I may be meeting up with another guy on Sunday, but we haven't finalized anything yet.

I need to get started on my homework, but I've been procrastinating... I'll be working on it a bit this weekend. I'm sure it will go well, but I just need to get started on it! hehe

Work has been crazy... I'm the lead on a system project, so Carol has been running me ragged. But at least I have a great way to destress from all of this - dating! hehe

Soul-searching

I did some more thinking last night at the gym, and I talked to my mom about it. And after thinking about the guys I used to be interested in, I concluded that none of them were emotionally available to me. To me, that means that they were safe, and I didn't have to worry about being hurt. I think going in to the relationships, I never thought they would last, but I did always get my feelings hurt when they hurt me.

The guy I'm going out with tonight is totally available. And he tells me that he's interested, and attracted, and its not some stupid game with him. I like it. But I'm not really sure what to do with that, I've never been in this situation before. Prior, I always felt like I was doing the chasing, and had to be a great saleswoman of why they should spend time for me. I had to work for their attention... this time, its freely given. And its sweet, and genuine.

It scares me a little, because I don't have a script or a role of behavior to play - but love can be scary. I haven't met him yet, so I'm reserving judgements until after our date tonight, but its a new pond of fish to be in when someone is so open to you.

Not a typical situation

So, time to come clean... I've been talking to 8 different guys. I won't be one of those women who blogs about them here, but it seems that I have 4 in the top running.

My ENFP is working against me, as I keep adding more and start to really like them. I have a date with one of them tomorrow night, and we are already talking about plans for Saturday. He's the front-runner, as we have so much in common. I already went out with one last Friday to the 5Rhythms, and the other two have also asked me out. Or rather, wanted to know when I'm free so they can take me to dinner. One is thinking about this coming Friday, and I told the other one to give me a call and we will plan something.

I'm not used to all of this attention - but I like it. I was telling some of my friends and coworkers that I normally date men who are emotionally unavailable. All they want is either a booty-call (I don't deliver) or they want to keep me at arm's length because they don't want a serious relationship. Usually I am the one that has to continue to reach out and make contact, or plan something for us to do. This time.... not so much! The front-runner and I have been talking non-stop since earlier this week, even texting each other during the day. He is ready and willing to be a boyfriend. And he's totally into me. He even sends me emails with pictures of flowers, and a "thinking of you." He's clear about it, and I don't have to ask my friends if they think he's into me - he is. The other one emails me long involved emails, where we've been able to intellectually connect. He really wants to know about me, and what I think. Which is refreshing - I usually spend my time trying to find out what they think, and not really talking about me.

I'm going to meet both of them, to see which one I click with in person. And I may end up meeting the other 2 of the 4 that are in the lead.

It feels good.

Murphy's Law Kind of Weekend

I had great practice this weekend going with the flow and flexing my style! hehe



So, Friday, after class, it is like herding cats to get everyone wrapped up who needed a ride back to the hotel. 5Rhythms started at 8pm, and class did not get out until 6pm. Then the two people who needed a ride back with me to the hotel had to speak to the professors and got lost in conversation with others. We didn't leave until after 6:30pm, and I had to drive all the way into Arlington, by the Pentagon, to check into my hotel, change my clothes, etc. Traffic was horrible, because it was rainy and yucky, so trying to get over the Key Bridge from Georgetown into VA was a nightmare. Then we took the wrong turn, as my human navigator is really good at finding the directions, but not really good at paying attention to where we are in relation to the directions, and that I have to turn. We finally found where we were going, but we didn't get to the hotel until after 7:15.



Ginny and I ran back to the car, and since she is not used to navigating, we got lost going to the 5Rhythms. The roads weren't marked clearly as North or South, and we weren't familiar with the area, so we went the wrong way. I knew we were headed in the right direction to get to the area we were headed in, but we had a lovely tour of Arlington in the process. Once we got our blackberry GPS working, we were able to find the road and make it there. One of my new friends was running late too, but he did arrive around the same time that we did - which was about 8:30pm. It was nice to finally meet him, and I think we are going to go out again. I didn't get home to after midnight, because I had to take Ginny back to her hotel in downtown DC, then make my way to Arlington.



Saturday. At 6:30am, I woke to hear rushing water. After deciding that it really was in my room, and I wasn't dreaming... I went into the bathroom to see water pouring out of the heat lamp that is over the shower in my room. I called the front desk, and they finally sent someone around 7:15am. I had to be ready to go by 7:50am to leave for school, and wasn't sure if I would make it. I got ready in record time, then we encountered "Bike DC." Even though it was pouring cats and dogs, they still closed off all of the streets and bridges into DC to prepare. Only about 3 of the cohort members made it to class on time..... the rest of us were over an hour late, and I got a lovely tour of DC in the process.

They were going to order lunch in for us, but the order-taxi service would not order it until noon. At noon, we called in, but they were not delivering from the restaurant we picked that day, so it was too late to have something ordered, since we were all starving. So we ended up going to lunch on our own. The evening picked back up, as we had a great time out together over dinner.

Sunday was uneventful in comparison to the first two days, and the sky cleared up! Yay!

New hotel

I'm excited for class this weekend as I'm staying at a new hotel that I haven't stayed in before. Its in Arlington, this time, as we could not get something decently priced in downtown DC. I don't mind, as this hotel chain is supposed to have ultra comfortable pillow-topped beds. We'll see! hehe :)

I'm on my own this weekend, as my usual slumber party mate has to go to a wedding Saturday night and is leaving school early. I don't mind, I think I need the alone time. It'll be good for me. I can practice some yoga and quiet meditation before bed, after we have girls night of course.

I am doing the 5Rhythms Meditation on Friday night. My classmate Ginny wants to go, so I decided to go with her. I asked one of the guys that I have been talking to, who works in DC, if he wanted to go too. He's into meditation and relaxation, and likes to dance. Hopefully he'll be able to make it, but it depends on the driving situation. He normally takes the commuter bus into work every day. But he has alternative methods, and a car. My fingers are crossed!

Shopping fun

Yesterday at lunch I headed over to the Avenue with my coworker Lori to help her pick out a few things for her trip. Low and behold, I can fit into Old Navy clothes again! Well, at least their shirts. Getting the biggest size of course, but it is great to have another option! yay! I picked up a few sweaters that were 2 for $15! I feel so good about myself!

In the afternoon I headed to Columbia to meet with one of my clients to give them MBTI results, and the meeting ended early. I thought I was going to meet a friend for dinner, but he ended up working late. In anticipation of the dinner, I found a comfy spot at Starbucks and worked there for the rest of the day. I can get used to working at Starbucks. I get the visual entertainment of people watching, but I get a lot done too.

I also talked to one of my 6 guys last night.... he's a talker! But I think he's a good guy. I'll know more once we actually go out on a date. He works 3 jobs, so his time isn't the easiest thing to get a hold of.

I also practiced my breathing last night, and it felt amazing again. Not as good as when I was with David, but still relaxing. I fell right to sleep! :)

Breathing

I love my David. He became my David five years ago when we started working together, and when speaking about him to my boss, I had to distinguish him from her David who is her boss' boss. The name stuck, and I still refer to him as my David.

He is the sweetest, nicest man, and we have had an amazing friendship since day 1. He's very protective of me, and I think in some ways he sees me as the daughter he never had. He always throws out the "you are so young, I could be your father" and then I remind him that he's only 17 years older than me, so it is more like he could be my uncle! hehe :) I'd marry the man if he wasn't gay.

He started doing the Breath Work three years ago, and it has been life changing for him. So he decided to help other people have the same experience by getting certified and becoming a practitioner. As part of his professional program, he has to take on 4 students and lead them through at least seven sessions. I had my first session with him last night.

First, I have to say, I want his house. He has a Tudor style townhouse off of York Rd, close to Northern Parkway. And since he has done set design and costume design before, his house is a show place. And immaculate. The hardwood floors were amazing, and the small detail touches, for instance the lighting on a painting on the stairs, were incredible. I could just move in. He created a studio in one of the spare bedrooms, and it was just a place full or soothing and relaxing energy. It was a soft shade of green, he had incense, a comfy mat on the floor, plus really beautiful chairs to relax in with pillows. A new entertainment center, and even a tea pot were waiting for our session. I was his first official client, starting from the in-take to the completion. He actually has a paying client today, and I think after my 7th session, I'll get the Amy E. discount for future sessions. He teases me that Amy E is my stage name.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with him, as the first session is the longest. He explained everything that may happen and how the process worked, and why breathing is so important. We practiced sitting on the chair for awhile, and after we worked through the fit of giggles (we are both prone to them, once he gets me laughing), we determined that I am a chest breather while in an upright position. However, once he had me on the mat, he noticed that my breathing became more relaxed and in my diaphragm, where it is supposed to be.

He turned down the light, just had a small lap on and a candle, sat on the floor next to me, and just adjusted me slightly so that I was completely relaxed. Then he just put his fingertips on my stomach to help me make sure I was breathing into the right place. I opened my mouth, dropped my jaw, and had the most relaxing and soothing experience. The breathing is done through the mouth, in a circular pattern, but not forced. The exhale is actually totally relaxed, and you just let go. That's hard to do, especially since we noticed that my natural pattern of breathing is very measured. I exhale at the same pace and the amount that I inhale, which is not what I'm supposed to do. We aren't sure where that comes from, because even when I'm totally relaxed, I breath that way. He told me we'd work on making my exhales more relaxed.

The whole experience on the mat lasted 20minutes, but it seemed like just 5. He is such a comforting and loving person, that I just felt so relaxed and cherished. He lowered his voice, and would whisper words of encouragement, telling me that I was doing a beautiful job... it was so soothing. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep afterwards. It feels good to be loved like that.. without judgement. I don't think he's be that nurturing with his other clients.

The idea behind the session is that as we grow up, we learn to hold our breath and control it, when we aren't supposed to. If we watch a baby or an animal breathe, they don't do that. But we learned to control where we breathe into, avoiding the areas that we may have trapped emotion or tension in the body over the years. This relaxed state helps us to get into those areas and release them. I can't wait for my next session at the end of October!

Full weekend!

I had such an awesome weekend... I feel like I keep saying that every weekend, but as I'm spiraling up, things just keep getting more fun!

I spent the night over Stacey's on Friday, and we had an awesome cheeseburger dinner, killed 2 bottles of wine, then passed out while watching one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. We got up bright and early on Saturday morning... actually it wasn't bright, it was before the butt-crack of dawn, and headed out for our bus trip to NY. We arrived in NYC around 10:15am, did some window shopping on 8th Ave before eating lunch at 11am.

Lunch was an interesting experience, as we met a crazy drunken Australian. Stacey was weary, but he was harmless. He later brought his wife in when we were still eating, and I felt bad for her, for having to deal with his drunkenness. I have been there, where you are just waiting for them to pass out, so they would shut up. Luckily I don't have to deal with that anymore! We had yummy Indian food, and the waitstaff just took extra care of us, since we were the first customers of the day.

After deciding to navigate the subway, we headed into Brooklyn. I finally got one of my New York wishes, to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. It was an awesome experience, with great views. She and I are picture happy, so we have many that I haven't uploaded yet. It was also the Breast Cancer 2-day walk so we were dodging people walking on their 17 mile leg of the tour. We headed back uptown after that to Central Park. The line to get into the zoo was huge, and we didn't have a lot of time, so we decided to just enjoy the park.

That was my 3rd time into the park, and I have yet to find the castle. I'm beginning to think it is a myth. But when I go back in November, I'll have more time, and I will find it! It has to be there somewhere!

We found a couple of street fairs that we hit up, before heading to a yummy French cafe for dessert. We ordered the chocolate fondue, which was amazing. I will be going there again! I also got a few more scarves to add to my collection.

Sunday found me teaching my first Confirmation class. This was just the parent meeting, so I got to lay down the law. I have more boys in my class then girls this year, so this should be interesting. It can one of many ways, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I went to lunch with Mom, and then we saw "Couples Retreat". That was cute!

I got to talk a bit to a few guys I've met on a dating website in the afternoon of Sunday. After talking to my mom about it over lunch, and adding it up.... I'm in the email communication stage with 6 different guys. Two have my number, and I got to meet one on the phone before my yoga class last night. He's really sweet, so hopefully we'll be able to get together soon. I'm just enjoying myself, which is what matters. The Law of Attraction is in full force!

I took a Hot Yoga class last night for the first time. It was so crowded, but so rewarding. Its not lady-like, but I sweated my ass off. Some of the poses were difficult, but once I let myself get into the stretch it was amazing. I will definitely be going back, maybe twice a month.

VICTORY LAP!

After checking my grade this morning from my last class on Org Strategy, I got up from my cube and did a victory lap down the hallway! My crazy coworkers actually got up and followed me, they didn't know what it was for, just that it is time to celebrate!

I got an A! Not an A-, a freaking A! WOOOOOOO HOOOO!! And I hated every gosh darn minute of the class too, and procrastinated writing that damn paper forever! But I did it! WOOT! I'm so excited!

I'm also excited because tonight I'm heading over to Stacey's for some girl-time, slumber-party style, before we wake up early tomorrow morning and go to NYC. This is going to be an awesome weekend!

I'm also taking a hot yoga class on Sunday night with a singles group, so I should be meeting some neat new people. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

soul

Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just feel. Feel the sensations as the energy moves around in side of you. Visualize your ab region just letting go, and as you do, do you feel a sense of joy? A pleasant feeling that runs up and down the center of your body? I do. That's the area I equate to the location of my soul, and that is where I feel the joy. It bubbles up and makes me smile. That feeling is the one that is always worth keeping, and I don't have to do anything to get it. It is always there, laying inside of me, just waiting to be let out. Everyone has it, its just that life bogs it down sometimes and people can't feel it. Then when they do, they start grasping to hold onto it, for fear of it being lost forever. Or they try to recreate the same conditions in order to experience it again, but no moment is ever the same. People and things are moving through time and evolving. Nothing is ever the same again, it can't be.

I took an online charka test, it was about 60 questions that helps identify what charkas I may be over-using, or under-using based on my answers to the questions. According to it, my Heart charka is over used. From what I read, it indicates that I love too much, often smothering those who I give love to. My Root and Sacral charkas are under used. This means that I am not in touch with my emotions or don't feel them as I should, and I don't feel as grounded and secure wherever I am. Working to open these charkas will bring me into better balance and alignment. It is an interesting perspective on some of the life situations I have been going through recently. Practicing opening all of my charkas cannot hurt.

Reason, Season, or a Lifetime

I've heard the statement before, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." As they come into your world, they are there to teach you a lesson, and they are there to help you grow. Life is about spiraling out of the patterns and behaviors we have set forth within us from previous lives, and true enlightenment means letting them go to not live the pattern any longer.

Before I go on, most would be outraged at the good Catholic girl talking about previous lives. I have many issues with the traditional teachings of the church, but it makes sense to me that we are on this planet, living different life experiences, until we get it right. Maybe this is our purgatory. I don't know, and no one else really does for that matter. But I do know there is a God, or a Source, and all energy in our soul's spring from that eternal. It makes sense to me that we are called into different life experiences in order to learn from them, and to become better. "Heaven worthy" if you will.

I was reading more from the book "Let Go" and something struck me again, a lot of things are striking me in my reading. Basically I can continue to stand in place and spin, or I can stop. Its always a choice. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. I don't have to think about something constantly based on an event that happened, nor do I have to plot the perfect revenge to hurt someone as badly as they hurt me. I don't have to waste the time thinking of all the motives they are plotting to "get me." To pull one over on me, to use me. I don't have to wonder why the story they delivered changed so quickly when they realized that they couldn't make me feel guilty or manipulate me in that way. That is their "work" to do. My "work" is to find my path, and to let go of what is hindering me from what I want.

I feel like I just completed a season with Sam. Since I'm really great at waxing poetic on various topics, I can go with this one by saying that he came into my life to hold me together when I fell apart over the summer. I needed someone who had been there, could explain it to me in a way I could understand, and get close enough to me that I trusted him completely with everything wrong. I felt that I could share my head and not have to worry about censoring anything so I wouldn't scare them. For him, I was the last and most impactful person he had to hurt in order to break his pattern. By his own admission, he did everything wrong by me, and everything right by Amber. For whatever the reason, I needed to be that person, otherwise the lesson would not have been learned.

Now its time to change and move on. I don't think this is the end for us, as I think seasons will continue to show up for this lifetime. But it is the end of what once was. That makes me sad. In my "Let Go" book, the sadness comes from daydreaming about what life could have been like, and not living in the reality of what is actually happening. That's why humans make themselves sad, unrealistic expectations. And I did that.

But the Law of Attraction is one that I keep returning to, time and time again. I've been doing the Metta Loving-kindness practice, and I feel like I am drawing happy and good things to me. I feel stronger, I feel joy in my soul, and I feel excited for every new path this is coming my way. I feel healed. I have a lot to learn, as does everyone else, but I'm going to enjoy it this time. My joy is bringing people in my life who wouldn't normally be there. Hopefully now I'm attracting people who are good for me, just as I want to be good for them.

doing the right thing

I was talking to my friend Stephanie today via email and she and I uncovered another theme that I keep replaying. Actually it goes with the "last cupcake" piece, but I was just reminded of it again.

I told her that I have to do the right thing because otherwise I feel childish and bratty. She reminded me that I need to do the right thing, but only if it is the right thing by me. The universe would be much happier if I stopped enabling behavior to continue. She's right. She said that she doesn't mean living out every whim, but she means the right things that I need to do to maintain a healthy balance for me.

I think I struggle with that in the negotiation piece when someone is opposing me. I can be a true Taurus Stubborn Bull, but for the most part I'm not. If someone wants to go left, and I want to go right, I always end up going left. That doesn't seem so stubborn, does it? When someone reminds me to stand up for myself, I do, and the other person ends up saying that I'm being hurtful and I feel guilty. I think some people know that about me, and use it to their advantage, including family members. What that leaves me with are a lot of experiences where I am independently making myself happy and I'm making everyone else happy in the process to keep the peace. I stopped caring about and sharing what I wanted, because I never felt the exterior world could provide it for me. Only I can make myself happy.

Therapists spend years trying to get patients to the statement that I just said, i.e. Only I can make myself happy. But for some reason I don't think it has the same meaning for me. I think the therapist needs to help me include others and to form healthy attachments with a balanced emotional mix. Most often I become the caretaker in the relationship, or the "Wounded Warrior."

I was reading more about the "Wounded Warrior" archetype, I found this interesting:

Who is the Wounded Warrior?
The Wounded Warrior is powerful, independent, self-reliant and successful -- because you have to be. Yet, you resent all of the responsibility and obligation that goes with your role. You are the only one around who can get things done, and get things done fast enough and perfectly enough.
You are bitter (at least inwardly) toward men, who you believe get all the breaks, but do little of the real work. You see men as the weaker sex, responding emotionally and acting illogically, when they act at all.
Long ago, you let go of the fantasy of a knight in shining armor or Prince Charming. You are bitter, angry and sometimes even cutting in your dealings with men. You may consciously or passive-aggressively seek revenge against the male transgressors in this patriarchal society.
You respect other female Warriors, yet have no tolerance for “weaker” females who don’t carry the Warrior’s sword. You are, or were, a good wife and good a mother, protecting and providing for you family. Yet you express even these roles through the stance of a warrior.
You are tired of fighting. You displayed your battle wounds proudly in the past, but have now grown bored with conquest. Your armor is heavy and you long to remove it for good. You long for the Goddess within you; yet believe you couldn’t survive without your Warrior’s sword. Let me introduce you to -- the power of the Goddess.

How Did You Become a Warrior?
There are several possibilities. You may have grown up feeling that your father did not provide the required safety and protection. Maybe your father was absent emotionally or physically. Or maybe you had a father who expressed mostly the feminine energy, not modeling a mature male archetype. You may have modeled yourself after your mother or other influential female who was a Warrior. You may feel betrayed or abandoned by one or both of your parents. You may feel you need to play the role of a male and be the provider and protector of your family. You may have decided that you needed to develop warrior-like qualities to survive in the business world.
Whatever the reason, you put on your armor and you fight. You fight for yourself, your family, your job, recognition and validation. You accumulate wounds, battle scars and conquests too. Your ego is over-taxed and your soul cries out for retirement.

How Does the Soul Use the Law of Attraction?
The reason you encounter hurtful situations is because of the hurtful energy that is stored inside your DNA. Your soul it is always seeking to bring you back to health and joy. It tries to release hidden and suppressed energy. It uses the Law of Attraction (like attracts like) to magnetize the people and situations that will trigger the opportunity for release.
That’s why, as a wounded female warrior, you attract wounded men. They trigger you and give you the opportunity to clear and release this stored energy. Yet, you rarely take the opportunity because you just don't know how. Based on my experience, you CAN clear the hurtful energy in the DNA. And when you do, you begin moving through your life without the hurtful cellular memory. Your ego’s job is much easier because there is no hurtful energy to be released – you are not drawing hurtful situations anymore. When you move into a new situation and your ego scans for hurtful memories, it can’t find any. So your ego allows you to move into new experiences with no limitations.

How to Recognize a Goddess
The Goddess has let go of all that is not divine. She enjoys and expresses her femininity with courage. She finds that both men and women are easier to work and play with than ever before. She has let go of her suppressed feelings of betrayal and abandonment and radiates the energy of trust. So others open up, let down their walls and she draws out the trustworthiness and integrity in them.
She treats others with understanding and kindness. Yet she is discerning and knows how to draw boundaries when appropriate. She speaks the truth, from her heart, with respect, honoring the feelings of others.
The Goddess carries a particular energy, a higher, faster vibration in her electromagnetic field. She has created an environment in her body that magnetizes more refined Divine energies. Her body becomes a radio tower that grounds the celestial energies of profound compassion and joy into the Earth and then radiates it outward in all directions.
There are many aspects of the Goddess. She can be like Isis, expressing the Creator Mother aspect. She can express Aphrodite; the loving, sensual and sexual playmate aspect. She can express Kahli, the destroyer of that which no longer serves. She can express a Warrior Goddess, the protector that knows how to draw and protect boundaries. The difference is now that she is healed and whole, she can call upon whatever aspect of the Goddess best serves her in any moment. She is no longer limited to only acting out the part of the Wounded Warrior.
She radiates the energy of Sacred Union within herself, then the Law of Attraction operates to magnetize others who are of the same energy and consciousness. Soon she finds herself surrounded by Gods and Goddesses – all living harmoniously in Paradise on Earth they created from their balanced energies of Divine Love, Divine Wisdom and Divine Power.

Peace

"Peace is flowing like a river, flowing out of you and me... flowing out into the the desert, setting all the captives free."

I finally feel resolved. I laid my cards on the table last night with Sam, and he did the same. I do not like having relationships out in the wind dangling, so it was good for us to find closure. We are going to be friends, and I'm looking forward to seeing how we grow in our own lives because of it.

The Metta practice and the Forgiveness practice has been really helpful to me. I keep talking about the joy I feel inside, and I think it is something that is starting to shine through my eyes and out of my skin. I have not found enlightenment, but I have found something that naturally resides in me that has been hidden for the last 6 years. It really started with me when I was hurt by my friend Brian. I felt betrayed and used, which I shared with him then, and never really got over that. We still talk monthly now, and have for the last few years, and I no longer have that hurt that I had. It took me awhile to get over it, and I don't think I ever was, as I still had bitterness inside of me. I feel like it is finally gone.

I start working with my friend David next Monday as I help him complete his certification in the breathing practice. This is the same sort of exercise that brought up the intense emotions in me back in May, but I feel safe and guided to do it now. I want to get all the crap that I have been repressing out of me, and I think this is a good way. I have a support system in place to help me - my therapist, my family, my medical doctor, and my friends. I think the weight stays on me as a shield, and since I've been losing it, my tender insides have started to be exposed. But I'm ready to be out of this covering of fat to reveal my true self.

I also might do a charka healing. My friend Stephanie just did one, as she is helping one of her friend's get their certification in that practice, and claims that if felt amazing. She said that the practitioner spoke to her about some issues that she was facing, linked them to various charkas and she could actually feel her moving the energy and cleaning it out. At one point Stephanie felt that she was completely draining all of the repressed issues out of her, and now completely feels clean. She's taken to cleaning her house because she wants everything around her to be as clean as she feels. And she is spending a lot of time outside, healing with nature. Her husband is so sweet and supportive of her, and gives her the space needed to do that. I like that kind of support.

I'm a she-wolf...

Haaaaowl! That song is stuck in my head, as I heard it on the radio this morning. It cracks me up when she howls in the middle of the song - random.

So what to write about today. Let's do an inventory of my emotions that I feel peculating in my gut region. Overall I feel happy, but I feel that more in my soul, than my gut. I feel a little uneasy or unsure about what is going to happen next regarding the conversation I'm having with Sam. My feelings are slightly hurt, but at the same time I'm flattered. That's odd. I feel a little bored with work... I really don't have anything to do. But I do have to write my goals in the next few hours so I can meet with my boss and pretend I have been doing things over the last couple of weeks. I feel relaxed and confident. I'm starting to get excited about my trip to New York this Saturday, and my sleep-over on Friday night with Stacey. We are going to have a blast! I'm really happy for April, who met a new guy. He's older, hot, and works for the CIA. I wonder if he has any single friends???

I went to the Fells Point Fun Festival yesterday, and the weather was beautiful. I have to say, on good weather days, that really is a neat and cool area of town - it's actually pretty. I bought a few shawls and scarfs in the pink color family, which I can't wait to wear. The weather is perfect for them now! I caught the end of the Ravens game in Canton, having dinner at the Austin Grill. Then I spent most of the evening relaxing. I should have been doing homework, but I don't want to begin, because I'm not really sure where to begin.

Love this song!

I'm spending a relaxing evening avoiding my homework by watching/listening to youtube. I fell in love with the song Con te Partiro when Bocelli originally sang/wrote the song. It was translated to "Time to Say Goodbye" when he did the duet with what's her name. But anyway, Donna Summer did a remix of the song with the "I will go with you" translation, and I love it.

It just makes me feel alive to dance to it, and I love the lyrics. I really will go with you, wherever you lead, I will always be true - love that!

Anyway, here you go:

It is a full moon. But I found Alpacas!

Ever since Thursday everything has been incredibly surreal, so instead of crying, I've been wandering around muttering to myself wondering if it is a full moon? Well, it is! Which has had me laughing! Its amazing what you will notice if you are paying attention.

Let me back up to Thursday. I had a great dinner with my friend Owen, whom I dated about 6 years ago. For some reason recently a lot of my old dates/boyfriends are showing back up and I guess we are catching either other up. I guess the saying is true, that alike energy will attract itself, as I'm back into being who I was about 6 years ago, or getting there, and the same people are starting to show up. Back then I was dating a lot, having a lot of fun, and really enjoying myself.

Friday brought a surprise text message, which was an image of my friends' marriage certificate. Ryan and Heather decided not to wait, and instead do an intimate affair, Caps style, at the courthouse on Friday, and they tied the knot! EXCELLENT! I am so happy for them. I met up with them later in the evening, and we had a low-key evening over apps at Red Brick with a lot of laughter. They are having a larger ceremony so everyone can be there in the Spring, but I am so happy for them.

Today had me off on a mission to get into the Fall spirit. Actually, now that I think about it, today is the 1 year anniversary of when I met Sam. Interesting he got back into touch with me a few days ago... I wonder if he even realizes. Anyway, the kick-off to the fall spirit is the Darlington Apple Festival. It is always very crowded, with a lot of fun, food, and people. We had such good weather, and this time my cousin TJ was able to come with us. He had planned to spend the whole day with me, and his comment was "I didn't realize that going out with you is such an adventure!"

The fun started when we arrived, but kicked off as we were leaving and I was carrying my mother's new broom. My cousin RoseCarol was also carrying one around. Two local police officers were standing there, saw me with the broom and couldn't help but start commenting. "You know, this isn't the season for a woman to be carrying around a broom! We'll start getting ideas. I saw a movie about that once, and it didn't end so good, something about water." To which I responded, "Yeah, it ended poorly." The other cop started cracking up, and said, "She's quick!" Then nudged the other guy, "Get it, poorly - because they poured water on her." They chatted with us on the way out, until the saw the other cop directing traffic, and he started with the broom jokes, asking if he can give it to his wife. I bet they used those lines all day.

On the way in, I saw signs for an Alpaca Farm Day, and I kept hinting to go (my knitting habit needed feeding). As we were leaving, I was driving, so I just decided to go! I had no idea there was a farm so close - they have a herd of about 100 head! They let us into the pen, and the woman showed me her yarn. It was not as good at the yarn I got in Bethel, but they were a different type of Alpaca. This yarn is slightly more coarse. I got to wander around with them, and Serenade made friends with me. She was a white Alpaca with brown cheeks. So incredibly sweet! She let me pet her, and I tried to talk her into going home with me and getting into the back of the car, but she wasn't budging.

The family and I left there and headed to the Carroll County Farm Fest, which was a dud. There weren't many vendors, and it was about to close. But I did see some cloggers and a corn gun. I could have shot corn on the cob at targets, but I decided to pass. We ended the evening back at my Aunt's new house, were I spent time showing my younger cousin yoga, playing with her dog, and impressing my family with my flexibility. Good times! hehe

Here are the pics from the event:

DarlingtonAlpacas

Letting Go

I started reading a new book, it's called "Let Go" then the subtitle is something like, "The Buddhist way to break habits." I'm only into the first chapter, but I think it is fitting for some information that I have received recently. Basically it mentioned just contemplating your habits, good and bad, and that we always don't recognize them, it takes someone else to point them out. We keep the habit because it serves us in the situation. But sometimes we have to evaluate if it is still useful. If not, let it go. It should be a good read.

I need to take the advice. Sometimes I can become like a mama bear, defending myself and my honor. I figure that no one else will, so I have to stand up for myself. The line that I talked about, and have been talking about with my classmates and therapist, is that I can be a real bitch in my defense. To counter-balance that behavior, I try not to call people out and let them do what they will. This way I don't have to become emotionally ingrained in it, and it is safer to let them play the role they want, opposed to me leaving a path of the walking wounded behind me. No one every believes me when I tell them this. No, I'm not "too nice." I just have a lot of kindness and patience, but when I reach my limit, I reach my limit. But once I blow up, I'm done. It blows over, as long as I felt like I was heard and my point of view was shared.

Suit up!

On the show "How I met your Mother" the one character always goes out in a suit, and tries to get everyone to wear one. I have to agree, that I feel powerful in my suit. And I look hot!

My suit was tight on me a year and 1/2 ago when I bought it, now it's big enough that I have to wear a belt with it. Actually, if I continue to shed weight, I won't be able to wear it much longer. The jacket looks big on me. I may donate it to a Women's Charity, as it has only been worn once, today.

I'm meeting a friend for dinner tonight, which should be a blast! We are catching up over sushi, and I'm really excited about seeing him. He's fun! This weekend is spent doing homework when I'm not out and about at various festivals. Not only is it the Apple Festival in Darlington, but it is the Fells Point festival. Hopefully the Apple Festival won't be rained out on Saturday! My fingers are crossed!

The following weekend I'm heading to NY on Saturday with Stacey! It was her 30th birthday present to me, and I think I'm finally going to get to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I've been wanting to do that forever. We are going to have a sleep-over the night before, so hopefully we aren't hung over on Saturday - everything in moderation! But my girl can put away lots of wine! hehehe :)