3 circles

I found this information when a candidate was applying for one of our open positions at the office, but I've yet to have a chance to use it with a team. I've been thinking about using it with my "problem-child" client, but their administration said that it was too "deep" for them to really get it. I'm going to keep it in my back pocket, because I think it would really help them understand the situation of why people act the way they do.

There was a book written, and I have the title on my desk back at the office which I will post later, in the late 1970s by a psychologist studying human nature. His conclusion was that in each of us there are 3 distinct personalities - the child, the parent, and the adult. Each one can influence our behavior in different ways, at different times, depending on the situation.

First the group lists the positive characteristics of children. Things like "fun-loving," "innocent," "open," "curious" all come up. Then the group lists the negative characteristics of children. This shows things like "passive aggressive," "bratty," "selfish," "temper-tantrums," etc.

The group then does the same exercise for the role of parent. On the positive side we have "unconditional love," "protective," "nurturing," etc. On the negative side there is "controlling," "dominate," "over-protective," "unbending," etc.

Then the group lists the characteristics of someone acting like an adult. Items for this list include: responsible, dependable, logical, reasonable, mature, ability to apologize, un-selfish, rational, ability to see both sides, etc.

What happens is that when humans are stressed (stress = our "needs" not being met) we "show-up" to a relationship or a situation with either negative characteristics of a parent or a child. Those are the behaviors that we default to in response to the stress, which clearly does not help to neutralize the situation and often escalates it.

The general idea is that we are the only ones responsible for our behaviors - no one else. So it's up to us to control our negative responses so that we are always acting as an adult should. Once a group is able to recognize what can be driving some of the negative behaviors that they are seeing, they can begin to notice the triggers and work through them.

The ultimate goal in life is total self-awareness. This is not the secret to life that I mentioned that I was playing with in my earlier blog, but it's part of it. I'm still working on that theory...