Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Crafty Projects





My birthday resolution this year is to finish my craft projects. Actually, this was one of the items on my list of tolerations that I gave me coach that I want to work on. A toleration is something that is unfinished or needs some sort of attention. But, you are tolerating it, because it doesn't energize or excite you. My issue is that I take on too large of projects.


Or... better yet, something else comes along and I want to work on it. Currently I'm making my mom a bows & arrows stole/shawl, a baby bunny buddy blankey for a coworker, and I was making an afghan for my ex.


This winter I was into hat making. I've made 4, as they are really easy to knit in a round and felt.


Anyway, here's a few pictures of my work.

Mixing it up!

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday, it was a beautiful sun-shiny day, and I didn't have a care in the world. Actually, I like to think that's God smiling on me, because it rarely rains on my birthday.

At confirmation practice last night, the director organized the kids and gave me flowers and a card. Which was really sweet! Maybe they aren't hoodlums after all... or maybe they are just hoodlums with good hearts buried below their emo clothes. Who knows with them?!?!?

However, I have to report, that I did not get my pink Kitchenaid mixer. That was supposed to be my gift from my ex... and yes, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but I do know that I can make a hell of a lot of cupcakes! Apparently that is my new trademark with my coworkers - my fancy cupcakes. I've created my own recipe of a hand-made whip cream filled vanilla cupcake with hand-dipped chocolate topping. I've also made a "from scratch" carrot cake for a bridal shower, which was AMAZING!

I don't know where my fascination with cupcakes started - and I'm not a glutton when eating them, I get more pleasure out of making them. Actually, I'm not a big "sweets" person. I do like it, but I don't crave it, and hardly ever have dessert unless it's a special occasion. But, I think it's my fascination with miniatures that really got me jazzed about them. I like exact replicas of things in miniature. So if anyone ever wants to get me a neat gift, find a replica of something that's really really tiny, and I'll love it. But not cars though, I don't like replicas of cars, just other things. The opening of the present usually comes with me squealing, "awwww look at the little ................. isn't it cute!" I usually end up displaying it somewhere in my cube. Hey, that's something to get someone who usually buys everything they need themselves.

But.. I did get an awesome new suitcase from Mom, which is in miniature I might add, for my traveling on the weekends. It has lots of pockets and compartments, and rolls on wheels. That's another thing with me, if I have a pocket on a transportation device, I have a need to store something in it. And then randomly show people, "Look! I put this in the pocket!" Fortunately people are normally amused by my excitement.

My other thing... Pigs! I collect piggy banks, but only the miniature ones. We had an interview today with an admin, and I had to watch her, because she was eyeing the pigs on my desk. MINE! But the pigs have to be from somewhere - kinda like the ones you get in the airport with the name of the city on the side... I keep asking my friends to send them to me when they travel... but they haven't.

One would think I had sugar this morning... I didn't. Hmmm... interesting...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Beginning...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Wow, isn't that a cliche statement? Yet, it works.

It's my 29th Birthday!! As this is my last year ever in my 20s, I'm going to live it up. I'm also going to dedicate this year to myself - losing a lot of weight to get really healthy, start my grad program to advance my career, and really work on the goals that I've put on the back burner over the years.

As I start today, I can't help but be reflective of the past year. Last year, on this day, my ex and I were heading up to New York to spend a few days celebrating our birthdays. I had no idea that this past year would change so much. But, I can't help but remember something that I psychic told me last spring. I don't normally subscribe to psychics, but I do think it's all in good fun. This one was different, as she actually was able to tell me specifics (events) that happened in my past, and they weren't broad generalizations.

She told me that I had found the love of my life, and not only reading my palm, but doing the numerology on both of our birthdays, she was able to calculate that we were a high match. I believe her words were that he and I are the only ones who could ever love each other the way that we do. But, she did say that if we were serious, that we would need to get engaged by the end of the year, because if we didn't, it would never happen. Apparently, life goes in 3 year cycles, and I was in the calm and stable section of mine. But he was about to enter the beginning of his 3 year cycle once the new year hit, and without that engagement connection, everything would change. And it did. She said that everything would get in the way, his career, life goals, and that making a life long commitment would be the furthest thing from his mind. And it is.

She also told me that if we do stay together, and nothing happens in 3 years, I'm to move on, because it never will - but don't stay longer than 3 years. At that time, I took her words to mean that I would never love again after him. But now that I'm in a more reflective state, I can see that she is right. No one can love another person just like someone else. That's what makes us each unique.

One can say this change was foretold, others can say that it was fate, and others can say that the brain of a male never works correctly. I, on the other hand, look at everything I do as a learning experience. And I learned a hell of a lot, and I had fun.

Speaking of learning experiences, while working with my coach last night, he helped me give myself permission to not do everything by the book. As I stated earlier, I choose "leadership" to be my life cause, but I mentioned to him that I really wanted to use "others" or "people" as the cause. I don't like to be boxed in, but the book told me to do that, and to be specific as you start. He helped me realize that my life calling was more than my role, or my job, it's me.

As part of the conversation, he asked me, "what is one thing in your life that you want to change or make better, but feel like you can't?" And I told him that I don't have anything like that. I went on to explain that I look at everything as happening for a reason to teach me something, so I have a choice to be sucked into the negative of it and be a victim, or I can choose to learn something and remain positive. So, I am, where I am, because I put myself there, and if I'm not happy, then it's up to me to fix it. He told me that it was an amazingly healthy attitude to have, and many people take forever to get to that point. It felt good to get praise.

So.. here we go.... Day 1, in my year of 29. It's my birthday, and I'm going to celebrate!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Letter of Intent

I am very happy to announce that I have finalized my letter of intent for my grad school application! *** Happy dancing all around my cube *** And to my credit, I had some co-workers read it, and it's not all BS and sounds genuine.

I officially have everything I need to mail it off - which I will do by the end of the week. Now I just have to cross my fingers, eyes, and toes and hope I get selected into the program!

I should be working on my 1 hour course for my client, but I can't seem to focus on it today. Where I'm getting hung up is in selecting an activity to reinforce the learning. I originally had two hours to present, but I sliced an hour to give to their HR director to present on the corrective action process. I helped her design her hour, giving her 3 activities to do to really nail the point home, but I'm not having as much luck with mine.

I'm still using the "One Minute Manager" concepts for this session on coaching and feedback. But, they are not open to me assigning them the book, as they are already reading "Good to Great." The book explains it so much better than I can, as it's written in a narrative, telling a parable of a young manager trying to discover the secrets of being a great leader. The concepts this time are the "one minute praise" and the "one minute reprimand." It's basically helping them get into the habit of giving feedback when it's needed, and not waiting for performance review time - or letting issues pile up which causes an explosion when the final straw hits the camel's back.

The other teaching tool is a document that explains the different type of coaching and when to use the different types. Normally I would go with role-playing in any sort of form when teaching about feedback, but the 3 activities they will be doing later in the hour are all role-playing related! Oh well, something will come to me.

On a happier note - tomorrow is my birthday! Yay! I think I'm going to take a friend's advice and live up my last year in my 20s. He was funny in suggesting after my break-up that I need to get out there and: get drunk, sleep around, find a rebound guy, drink, party with friends, break up with the rebound guy, sleep around, drink, find another rebound guy, drink some more, sleep around some more, break up with the rebound guy, have a threesome, drink some more.... I don't know if I can fit all of that into one year.... lol! We'll see how crazy and wild it will get.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

What's in a name?

Sometimes I think humans hear what they need to hear, only when they need to hear it. Interestingly enough, I was feeling very morose this weekend, as I have been for the last few weekends, when I heard the message that I needed to hear.

When I'm sitting in Mass, I try to imagine myself on the receiving end of the scripture reading, and how to reconcile that to my daily life. For the life of me, I can't remember who the letters are to, but there is a set that always begin with the word, "Beloved". My name actually means "beloved" in Latin, so because I'm goofy like that, my ears always perk up during those readings. Today's reading was about love. The author of the reading encouraged the people to love unselfishly and continue to do so, no matter what hardship comes upon you.

My priest, or Fadda, usually shares awesome homilies. He's very down to earth, jokes around, and can laugh at himself - which brings a very different light to what most think a priest is like. My key learning from him today, which I don't think I ever really thought about before, is that Love is active not passive.

He went on to explain that love is not something that happens to you, it's something you have to do - like physically perform. A story was shared about a couple who went to a marriage counselor after 25 years of marriage because they "fell out of love." The husband asked the counselor what to do, because he didn't have that "warm and fuzzy" feeling anymore, or the butterflies that happen when you first meet someone. The counselor simply said, "love your wife." The wife asked the same question, and got the same response. They were very confused, and said that they don't "feel" love - so how can they do it? The counselor went on to explain that love is an action, and the "warm and fuzzy" feeling is just a bi-product of the action of love. When you start showing your love for your spouse, then those feelings will come back. Those "feel good" feelings are derived from giving unselfishly, which is love. He went on to say that it isn't that you fell out of love, you just stopped doing loving things toward your wife and started living selfishly.

I think that's a hard lesson that takes a lifetime to learn. But I try to love that way, and show my love to everyone as much as possible.

One thing that has kept me sane is the Serenity Prayer:

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I was in Hallmark earlier today, purchasing a card for one of my students that I am sponsoring for Confirmation, and I saw that prayer designed in a charm bracelet. Each stone symbolizes a piece of the prayer, and I think this particular student really needs to hear that message... as many of us do. Hopefully she will cherish that gift!

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I am so very thankful for my friends. They took me out last night for an early birthday celebration - and we had a really great time! I love you guys!!!!!!! :)

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Today was Bullroast number 2 - which was a blast! It's not as many.. um.. characters, as the one from Friday night, but the food was excellent. A swing number came on, and I pulled Fadda on the dance floor. We had the entire floor to ourselves, and turned into the live entertainment portion of the afternoon! 1/2 way through we were ready for it to be over, as we both thought we were going to have heart attacks - but it was great fun! On the way out, he so casually slipped in - "By the way, you're on Parish Council this year!" I love not having choices in things! :) But it should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to it!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Path (Part 2)... to the Bullroast (Part 1)

I can honestly say that the annual April bullroast for Lett's Pleasure Club at Columbus Gardens is never a dull moment. They normally sell out - with about 500 people. And, it's the largest hodge-podge grouping of people that I ever did see. There's so much material to watch and giggle over, that I look like I'm at a tennis match watching it all unfold.

Some "highlights" from the evening: 1. apparently, to look sexy, you have to wear a very low-cut shirt with your boobs hanging out and a buckle of some sort on the shirt between the boobs - and have absolutely no rhythm, but pretend you do. There was a whole table of them! 2. Lesbians travel in groups - and there was about 4 tables full of them. They also like my cousin-in-law Wayne, although there wasn't much dancing with them this evening. 3. When you get over the age of 65, dancing only happens when you bump your belly into someone else, and run away... oh, and you have to wear 3 inch heels while doing it. 4. If you are over 300lbs, and wear a wife-beater, you'll win $125 three times. 5. The older you get, the bigger your hair, and you have to curl it, and poof it. 6. I still don't like lemon drop shots, but did one with my cousin Stacy. 7. I really do love my Malibu and coke... luckily I was eating seafood, because I could have easily downed a pitcher of my favorite of Malibu and OJ. 8. It is now socially acceptable for men to dance together, but only while trying to strangle each other. 9. Men, closer to 40, still send their friend over to tell you he thinks you are cute, but is too shy to tell. I thought that ended much earlier than that?... and 10. Old people practically "doing it" on the dance floor is still too much education for me!

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Tonight I'm going out to dinner and drinks with some friends to celebrate My Birthday - Yay! I'm very excited and can't wait! This time I'm bringing my camera to capture all of these crazy moments!

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Sunday, I have another bullroast at my Church, so we'll see if the crowd is as interesting as the one last night!

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This morning I got up and did some work on The Path, and I pretty much have a workable Mission Statement. After deciding on your element, then there are a few other introspective questions, which I pretty much answered in the Legacy document I completed. I'm still waiting to hear from my favorite David on his thoughts on my element. I'm sure it'll be good! (BTW - Congrats David on getting the part in the show!)

Next, in the book, there are about 5 pages of verbs. You are to select 3 from each page, and then narrow that list down to 3 verbs. The verbs are words that inspire and "call" to you, and ones you feel that move you. Then select something in the world that you would die for - a cause that you are willing to defend to the end. Some suggestions from the book are "joy", "service," "education," "respect," "love". But come up with your own, if you can. Lastly, decided who your mission statement is for. What group of individuals are you making your mission, or what organization are you making your mission? You have to be specific, which I didn't like, because I feel this way toward all people. But, I picked one.

So.... My mission in life is to promote, nurture, and inspire creativity in leadership. Not too shabby for a first try. But now that I have something to work with, I can tweak until its finally "right".

Friday, April 25, 2008

I have a crush... on you!

Actually I think it's more likely that I have a crush on life.

I haven't been giddy with excitement in a really long time, and for some reason the last few days have had me all amok. Nothing has really happened that would necessarily trigger this feeling; maybe it's the warm weather, the flowers, working out at the gym, my birthday coming up, or just change in general. It may also be my weekend plans, and knowing that I'll have a lot of comedic material to share from my adventures!

But, I do miss having a crush on a hot guy.... however, I do know a few who are crush worthy, so maybe I should call them and giggle on the phone for 5 minutes. Or maybe, I'll just set up a teleconference, and giggle with all of them at once! No, I have to make them feel like they are individuals, so I'll just text them.... hehehehehe See - I'm making no sense, but laughing hysterically at myself!

It is Friday after all.... maybe I can just blame it on that!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I got my passport!

Much to my surprise, I came home today to find my passport waiting for me in the mail! WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

I'm really shocked, as I applied on 4/15, and it's 4/24 - not even 10 days!

Who's ready to travel internationally with me?

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Speaking of travel, I'm concerned about my trip to the crater of diamonds. Not that I've planned one yet, but I was checking out hotels around the area, and they look like the scene of a bad horror movie. Not dirty or anything, but I can just see me and my companion on the next preview of the latest thriller movie.... must do more research!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Work Drama-Llama Update!

So, as more of my coworkers heard about the Director's expose under the desk... they decided to try it too.

Words I heard: cocoon like, safe, quiet, relaxing, if there is a crazed gunmen-this is where I'll be (said the lone male of the group).

And here I thought I was the crazy one! I'm calling EAP...

Work Drama-Llama!

My Director just came out of her office and sat underneath my co-worker's desk in her cube. I heard a voice saying, "I'm not coming out, I'm just going to stay here all day," and rolled around the corner to investigate.

There she was, my co-worker moved to the side in her chair, and my director sitting under her desk. Thinking quickly, I offered to call someone - her boyfriend, her son, 911 - but she stated she was fine. I offered her chocolate, alcohol, a hammer... nothing seemed to work.

See, we have been trying to hire a replacement for our Training Coordinator, which is essentially an Administrative Assistant role. The problem we have with this role is that no one who wants it, wants to stay an AA. I started in the role 5 years ago and look at me now! Then we hired Kim, who had the intention of becoming a trainer which wasn't happening, so now she just took a job back in her roots of managing two patient offices.

We contacted a Temp agency, but that lady only stayed one day. When she went in the office to tell my director all about the plastic surgery done on the penis of her 4 year old son, we knew it was going to be over before it began! And that was just on the first day!

My director had a great interview this morning with someone who appeared to be very professional and poised, and could handle the work. This is after already interviewing 3 others who practically zapped the energy from her as they stated they were a "people person". She even wanted to stay an AA and did not want to expand her role. Then my director called her references, one of which she happened to know personally, and it all went down hill from there. He wouldn't recommend her to his enemy.

Thus what led to the dive under my co-worker's desk. She finally came out after about 15 minutes... but I was a little nervous there for awhile.

Although, I've wanted a bean-bag chair in my cube to work from for awhile... so maybe now that she's seen the opportunities there are from working under the desk, she'll let me have one!

Oral Sex Basics

Last week The Baltimore Sun introduced a new free daily called "b". It's purpose is to appeal to the 18-35 set, and can be found in the orange box on street corners, or online at bthesite.com.

As part of their website, they include a calendar from a group called metromix, which lists all the events going on in the city.

Well... I think I have officially seen it all!

For the low price of $15 I can go to Hampden in the city and take an Oral Sex Basics class. They publicly offer these things???? WOW! What ever happened to practice makes perfect?!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Joining the Bowling League!

Ry and I have been friends since we were 6 years old when we met in first grade... and I think its been since then that we've had a bowling rivalry! To this day we still talk about the 7-10 split that I nailed after he bet me all the money in his wallet - he never made that bet again.

Anyway, his girlfriend is pulling together a team with her coworkers, and since they needed one more, I got asked - yay! I haven't bowled on a league since I was about 8, and that was duckpin bowling. But this should be a lot of fun, plus I get to meet a whole bunch of new people - yay!

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Today was Day 3 of my Presentation Skills Course and I had a technical learning moment - remember the size of the completed mpeg is probably going to be larger than the CD you intend to burn!

I had the great idea to actually use the technology we purchased with the digital video/photo camera. Taking the time to test it extensively yesterday, I wasn't anticipating that the files would be larger than 700MBs. Most weren't, but 3 were, and I was able to put the one over 1.3Gs on her jump drive. The other two I had to email... which I am now expecting a phone call from the Lotus Notes team to yell at me shortly about. Hey, if they aren't going to give me FTP space, or create a network drive for me to pass that sort of information through - then it's their fault!

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Apparently "Bad Karma" is surrounding my boss, and it seems that everything that can go wrong - is. She's had some very bad interviews, a crazy lady we interviewed actually lives in her neighborhood and searched her out with her equally crazy dog, the temp isn't working out as she shares waaaaay to much personal information, and one of the companies who said we can use their materials is nowt threatening to sue us for their use. WHAT A WEEK!

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On a happy note, one more week to my BIRTHDAY! Apparently this is called a "Golden Birthday" according to wikipedia, because the age I'm going to be is actually the same as the day I was born - 29 on the 29th.

I'm getting together with some friends to celebrate on Saturday night, as I have two Bull/Oyster/Shrimp feasts - one on Friday and one on Sunday to attend. The following weekend my mom is taking me to see a play at Center Stage, and then out to dinner.

It's amazing, as I had anticipated obviously spending this special time with my ex, as his birthday is the day before mine, and it's his "Golden Birthday" too. I miss him, but shit happens, and I'm moving on pulling it all back together. Choose your attitude!

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Path - Part 1

I think I found the book that is actually going to change my life. As I began reading it this weekend, and overwhelming sense of clarity and purpose came upon me.

The author, Laurie Beth Jones, explains that once you have your Personal Mission Statement, everything in life becomes so much clearer. You now have a "bar" in which to measure every decision both in your personal and professional life. You simply have to ask the question, "Does the outcome of this decision contribute to my personal mission?" And, if the answer is "no", then you know you shouldn't be doing it.

Jones explains also that it's okay to not know right in this moment what you want your life to be. Just being open to the discovery of what if could be puts you in the correct "mind-space" to undertake these exercises.

I'm in the process of completing the first exercise which is about connecting yourself to an element. I'm sure if I shared this verbally with my friends most would think I've jumped off the deep-end, and this is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. But, to each their own!

Out of Earth, Wind, Air, and Water, I am to select one that most resonates with me. Then in at least 12 words, I am to describe that element. Then in at least 12 more words, I am to describe what that element "does". This exercise helps you verbalize your strengths in words that are common and grounded. They not only convey a verbal message, but a visual one.

After writing my words, I'm to combine all 24 and reflect on them for about a month. Also, add any words that come to mind during the reflection.

The interesting twist is to get someone in your life who has no influence on the outcome, and have them do the same exercise about you. They suggest using someone who knows you well, but your actions won't influence their life - so don't use a parent, spouse, or boss. See what element they would pick for you, and the words to describe it. This may show you how the world perceives you... which may very well be in conflict with how you perceive yourself.

I think my element is Earth. I'm in the process of writing my words, but I'm going to ask one of my trusted work friends to complete this for me as well. I may actually ask a few people to do this, to see if I can gain common themes.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Full Service

Talk about a change in the world! Mom and I went today to purchase her new car, a Toyota Scion xd, and I think this Toyota dealership is way ahead of it's time. While you wait, whether it be for the free maintenance for the life of the car, or while you are there to make a purchase, you can get a free manicure. And, if you are there on a Saturday during lunch - you get lunch! When speaking to the manicurist she also mentioned that they were putting in a Wawa and thinking of adding a Starbucks. They had a children's playroom, computers for use of the customers, and various other conveniences to make your wait excellent. Well done!

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Congratulations to the Chases! My coworker had her baby last night, and the world has just welcomed a bouncing baby boy! Yay Baby Jackson! I have to finish the baby buddy bunnie blankie, but I can't wait to meet the baby! I am so happy for them :)

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Tonight I found myself with the family at Bingo... and I missed the $400 jackpot by one number, on a full card, and the winning number was one-off from what I needed! BOOOOOOOOOOOO... I think I'm going to be doomed to a life of donating in the world of Bingo - I just can't win!

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I'm filling in for the 8th grade teacher again at CCD, so I'll be with the monsters again. Hopefully I'll have some fun insights to share, as they always have something interesting to share with me... not very appropriate for CCD, but something to share. I always have to remind them of where we are before I let them tell me a story.

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I'm usually very patient, but I've been waiting to get an email back about an upcoming potential trip, and my nerves can't stand-it! I think the idea of what could happen is leading the charge, but the potential is there if it's allowed! My fingers are crossed! Please let my dreams come true!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Time lines...

It seems to me that I've always lived my life based on a time line. But for the most part, the time line was inflicted on me by other people. I was to finish school by a certain age, career goals by a certain age, married and children by a certain age, and then grandchildren down the road. I feel this pressure in the question of, "How old are you this year? Wow - I was married for 8 years and had 2 kids by then when I was that age!" ... and similar comments that I'm sure most women hear from well intentioned people.

Then as I got older, I learned about mortality, and that youth doesn't last forever. So I started to subconsciously factor in the the reasoning that I have a limited time, and I have a lot to see and do, so why not get it all done early, so I can do more? For some reason I allowed others to press me into living their version of my life on their schedule.

I've been thinking about my life before my ex, and who I was right before we met. I met him in July of 2006, which would make me newly 27 that April. People always told me that you'd find the love of your life when you weren't looking, and for once, "people" were right. I had been single for a very long time, and I stopped putting pressure on myself to fit into the time line. I've dated a lot of men at that point, and I can share horror stories with the best of them, and I stopped looking. I came up with a plan: I was going to pay off all of my bills left over from college, save a down payment, and buy a house. I had even started looking at neighborhood's and picked a few houses that I was secretly targeting. I had accepted that I may not find "Mr. Right" and that it was okay if that didn't happen. If I didn't have children by the time I was 35, I was going to do what my single cousin did, and adopt. I was going to have a full and happy life filled with friends and family, and do everything I wanted.

After I met my ex, I let the "people" back in, which made me think of the time line. I had family who were severely disappointed that I didn't get an engagement ring our first Christmas together, nor the second. They made me feel that something was "wrong" with me, because my ex and I weren't on the fast track like everyone else to wedded bliss. But see, I made the conscious choice a very long time ago to never live the life they led. The same people who were rushing me are all divorced. Isn't that ironic? Yet, they don't seem to get the irony.

I remember how I gave up looking for a house, even though I continued to pay down my bills. My ex was looking for a house too, as he was tired of renting, and for some reason being swept-up in the time line, I thought I'd live there with him eventually. Actually, a year ago this weekend, my mom and I moved him into his house. I actually had secret plans to celebrate with him this weekend, bringing over champagne and cooking dinner - but obviously I'm sitting here, writing this instead. I'm not bitter, but I have to remember that things change, and my time line needs to be flexible.

So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet, and I've already started planning my next steps on my own time line. After graduating from my masters, I'm going to buy a house - whether or not I'm in a relationship. And, by the time I'm 35, if I don't have children, I'm going to adopt. There are so many kids out there that need love, and I know that I would provide a good home for them.

And I learned all of this by seeing my soon to be 4 year old cousin, Ben, tonight. We had a strong scare that Ben would never speak. He had his hearing tested many times, but never would even try to make sounds or noises. His parents put him in a program, and he very quickly learned sign language, and would carry conversations in sign with his family. Today, I never saw a more talkative little boy. He knows all of his letters and numbers, has an infectious grin, and likes to ride his tricycle down hills with his feet up in the air! He plays video games - mainly elmo, and an old golf game his dad had. Apparently when you hit the ball in the water, the announcer says, "in the drink!" Ben was at the park the other day, and there was a huge puddle another little boy fell into. Ben looked up at his dad, and matter of factly said, "in the drink!" That moment will always be precious and treasured.

I think about how the entire family tried to put Ben into a time time. "He's 2, he should be speaking!" "He's 3 - and not a word yet? Wow, something must be wrong with him!" But, Ben was on his own time line. Now, he's a healthy, happy, adjusted boy. I'm proud of him for doing this at his own pace.

What does this mean for me? Well, I will try my hardest to never feel guilty again for not fitting into someone else's time line. I will set my own time line, and when I meet Mr. Right, we'll set our own agenda together!

80s


The sad thing, I have a cousin that still looks like this...

To do... To do...

Happy Friday! I'm sitting at my desk going through my "to do" list and knocking stuff out left and right. I may have to go evil on the IS department later this afternoon - as they've been working on my project since last November, and they told me that they weren't able to finish it... and I need it by the end of April! Grrrrr.... really, how long does it take to change the font on a webpage? If they gave me the access, I could do it! Darn security reasons!

I don't know if I have a lot on my mind or not, but my good friend at work should be in labor as I type this, as she was getting induced this morning. So, last night I had a dream that I was in labor. And, it was really odd, since in the dream I didn't know I was pregnant - which I'm not! But, I just randomly went into labor, and my mom had to take me to the hospital, and we just kept driving in circles around the round-about. Maybe it was sympathy for my co-worker! Who knows! hehehhe :)

My book came in, "The Path", so I'll be reading that this weekend in order to get my letter of intent written. Yay! Then I'll just have to select three samples of work that I've done and send that along too.

Speaking of books my other co-worker just gave us a copy of her book, "Blooming Late: Cultivating Your Self-Esteem After Fifty". My boss made the remark that she's the only one old enough to read it, but the look on my only male co-worker's face was priceless as she handed it out! Poor guy! We really need to hire another male soon!

Anyway - off to enjoy my Friday and such beautiful weather... too bad I'm stuck in my cube for most of it, but there is always lunch!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Pope Patrol - 1995 Style

I made it home this afternoon to catch the replay of the Papal visit to DC and the Mass on EWTN. I'm struck with memories from the time that John Paul II visited Baltimore in 1995. I remember that visit like it was yesterday, as I was chosen to be part of what we called the "Pope Patrol".

I went to Catholic School for 12 years, and it is always easier I think to practice your faith when you were surrounded by like-minded people. But I was always overjoyed and startled when I would attend Catholic functions for youth and see the magnitude of young Catholics.

As part of the preparation for JP2's 1995 visit, Cardinal Keeler's team approached all of the high schools to ask for student volunteers to work the press conferences. JP2 firmly believed that the youth were the future of the church, and Cardinal tried on every effort to make this a youthful event. I was one of the lucky few that got chosen to undertake this role. The Cardinal's office would contact the school a week ahead of time, and we would be called out of school for the day to participate.

For some reason, my good friend Rin and I were selected every time to hold the posters and maps during the press conference. I was on tv and in the news more times than I ever thought I'd be. We got to meet many bishops, and many clergy as we were preparing for the conferences... I even got to sit in the dugout at Camden Yards. Back when the O's were actually good! hehe :)

The archdiocese also asked for a Youth Brigade to act as Ambassadors to the city in light of the Pope's visit. My youth minister got us involved, and we spent the entire weekend downtown prepping for this event. The idea was that on the morning of the Mass we were to be on various corners in the city, welcoming everyone to Baltimore and to the Mass. Then we were to line the parade route for after Mass to walk with the Pope in the streets. He was the first to leave in his Pope Mobile after Mass, and he drove down the line of us - so happy that we came that day, as we prepared to walk the route with him.

The night before, because we were not able to attend the Mass in the stadium, they had a Mass for us in the Baltimore Convention Center. There were 3,000 13-18 year old Catholics worshiping and singing together and celebrating the Mass. It was unreal! Then we got to celebrate our hard work by going to a concert at Pier 6 with Boys to Men.

I look at this Pope, and I see someone very different than JP2, and I'm sad that do to the state of the world, he is not able to meet the people for security reasons. Hopefully he'll bring about change just like JP2!

My Subconscious Didn't Get the Memo!

So, I had my first dream about my ex last night... and apparently my subconscious didn't get the memo about the breakup.

It was a really odd dream too...

Mom and I were driving somewhere, but we had to cross a bridge to get to the other side of the Island. It was night-time, but not stormy, but part of the bridge road was flooded. We stopped, where the flooded part began, and watched as other cars crossed.. so we were under the impression that the water wasn't very deep.

As we started along, it was deeper, and we had to abandon the car into the river... which for some reason was okay, as we were going to go buy mom a car over the weekend. We just floated along, and found some rocks to climb back on... the only thing was that because it was so dark, it was hard to see where we were swimming.

We made it to land somehow, and were trying to get back to our house. To which, we stumbled into a seafood restaurant which was on a pier.... my ex was holding a table for us, and waved us over - where the bartender was serving hard fry crabs. He was actually dipping them into the batter and frying them at the bar.

Suddenly I had a plate in front of me, which was filled, so I didn't want a hard fry, just some hush puppies. We soon left the restaurant and returned to our vacation rental. I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and mom disappeared in her room. I remember hiding in the bathroom trying to figure out when my ex would fall asleep, because I knew that if I went out there, he was going to break-up with me.

So, I waited, and waited... and finally I heard him snoring (which was odd, because he doesn't snore) and I snuck into my bed to sleep...

Soon after, my alarm woke me up.. so I don't know what happened next!

***********************************

Which finds me here... in the Presentation Room where I just dismissed my 2nd class on Presentation Skills. I'm trying to waste time, as it isn't supposed to be over until 2:30pm, but we finished after lunch.

I thought no one was going to show up after the 1st class, considering that it started at 8:30am, and no one was here! I frantically called our Training Coordinator, just to make sure nothing happened, but people didn't start rolling in until around 9am.

I'm still missing 2, which I think aren't going to show up. See, I discovered on the first day, that they were sent to the class because they have a "Baltimore" accent, which their manager thinks is hindering their professionalism in speaking to patients. Unfortunately, this is not a dialect or speech class, so I can't help them.

Oh well... off to enjoy my sunny afternoon!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Cute Joke!

One of my favorite websites for work-surfing is mentalfloss.com.

To remember the sinking of the Titanic yesterday, one of their bloggers wrote an article reciting little known facts.

But, the funniest fact that got me was from a reader, known only as "Witty Nickname". I laughed, and laughed....

"Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(”desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as …sinko de Mayo."

Elephants in the Room

I like elephants; especially the new one at the Baltimore Zoo who is very wrinkly and cute. I've seen their art work, especially that of a certain 7 or 8 year old who can actually do a rather impressive self-portrait.

I think they are hard workers, heavy lifters, and find joy in simple things - much like the picture I posted in an earlier blog.

But, what do you do when there is an elephant in the room that everyone ignores? You know, that uncomfortable odd feeling, when everyone is having a conversation in their head about it - or making snide remarks in their head about it. You can see it in the look that they give each other as the presenter tries to ignore it, yet it's the most obvious thing that no one wants to talk about.

I'm working with a client who has a HUGE elephant in the room, and they will not address it. While meeting with them the other day, I asked how it got to a point where the inmates were running the asylum, and they really didn't have an answer.

Most of the physicians are creating a hostile work environment in their practices with this client, yet when they are spoken to about their behavior, they threaten to leave, and take all of their patients with them. See, they are really good clinicians, and they serve their patients well, but they just can't work with their co-workers. If they were to leave, they would financially cripple my client.

My client has tried many interventions with the physicians, and they refer to all of the customer service pleasantries as "crap". And, if the coworker can't handle their behavior, they need to grow a thicker skin. Which is kinda funny, as in reality, the physician is having a hissy fit like a 3 year old, because they aren't getting their way.

Where I sit, I get to see both vantage points of the story. Most people will tell you that they like their doctor, they are very nice and concerned about their well-fare, and would recommend their doctor to others. Which can very well be true. However, I get to see the "God complex" that most of them have, and the arrogant personalities that really hinder the work environment. I don't know how it happens, but somewhere between their first residency and their first placement, they lose their heads.

Let me give you an example... my client has countless ones, but this should move the story along nicely. There is a Medical Associate who has 15 corrective actions against them. This means they were written up, not given a verbal warning, but written up over 15 times for tardiness, dress, unprofessional behavior, incorrect processing of files.. the list goes on... but the Manager cannot fire them because the doctor likes the Medical Associate and how the Medical Associate types up their notes. When trying to move the MA to another position for a better fit, the doctor had a temper tantrum and refused to see patients for the rest of the day... which equaled a loss in revenue. So, what does the client do?

They call my department in to teach the Managers how to better handle poor performers. They have them read Good to Great, which tells them to fire the people on the bus who aren't helping them drive it in a direction. And also tells them to find what they do well, and focus all of their attention on that.

Yet, they can't do that. Because if they fire the poor performers to make room for the right people, they would lose 1/2 their practices and the physicians would go along with it.

I mentioned to them that there will always be a new book. Ten years from now, there will be a new program. But they will continue to have the same problem with not being able to get to "great" because of the huge elephant in the room that no one wants to address. Let me take that back, the managers want to address it - it's the bane of their existence - yet upper management doesn't know how to handle it.

We talked at great length about this on Monday, and the only option that would try would be to re-evaluate their compensation plan and bonuses for the physicians. They don't have performance reviews or 360's as part of their development plan for them, and to begin that process as well. But by making behavior part of the compensation process is a good start.

In the meantime... I'm working on a course in coaching and feedback which will help the managers deal with performance as it happens, and not wait 6 months later for a performance review.

My head hurts....

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Sick Day!

I woke up around 3:00am this morning not feeling well at all. I finally fell back to sleep around 5am, after being sick. I promptly emailed work and advised them that I wouldn't be in today.

However, I woke up around 8:30am refreshed and felling much better. I went with mom to get our passports, which was an interesting adventure. For those who are in the process of getting one, or are about to get one, here are few things that I didn't know:

  • You need to pay the state department via a check. They tell you it's a $100 fee, but $75 goes to the US Dept of State for the processing of the passport. If you don't bring a check, then you can use your debit card to purchase a money order at the Post Office, which has an extra fee attached.
  • The $25 fee goes to the Post Office, for their processing, and that is payable in any fashion.
  • Your birth certificate is sent away with your passport application. Which, really wouldn't concern me, but he just laid both of ours in a pile... so hopefully it comes back to me!
After that, I headed to the mall to look for "The Path" which I mentioned in my previous post. The online inventory for the evil bookstore (they will always be referred to as the evil bookstore because I worked for the OTHER bookstore for 5 years, which is no longer in the mall) lied. The lady at the front desk tried to tell me that the online inventory only lets you search super-stores, but I clearly picked the one I was going to online. CRAZY!

Anyway, I grabbed a bagel, sat in the food court and people watched for awhile, before heading to the craft store. I had finished one "baby buddy bunny blankey" for a co worker's baby, but it's really small. So I bought more yarn to knit a larger one - yay! Knitting is so very relaxing...

Then... I had a lovely nap.

My "in the moment" learning is that it's okay to take a sick day once in awhile, even if you are well. It's a mental health day!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Letter of Intent...

I'm so proud of myself, the last thing I need to do for my graduate school application is my 1-2 page letter of intent. Which has been circulating in my head for a few days now, but I just don't know how to get it started.

Luckily - I have a career coach! My meeting with Matt tonight went well, as I didn't cry! Yes, I've cried on him twice now, and not in a "I'm sad and miserable" kind of way, just sobbing when he asked me what my legacy was to the world and I turned into a blubbering idiot crying, "I just want to help people!" It's actually funny to hear the impression of myself in person, as I'm not a pretty crier.

He directed me to a book called The Path, which focuses on helping someone write a personal mission statement for their life. I haven't read it, but I'm definitely going to get it. He said that the author has 3 requirements about a mission statement:
  1. It has to be one sentence.
  2. It has to be written so a 5th grader can understand it.
  3. You have to be able to recite it at gunpoint.

My worry about the letter is a fear of coming across writing something that was total BS. As I did in most of my college papers that got A's. It works, but in a program that is based on self-mastery, and having a central focus and awareness of yourself, I think that would come out quickly to my professors. But I want to stand out among my peers and get accepted.

Matt reminded me of something, and sometimes again my perception and what is reality can be skewed. He told me that in his 4 meetings with me, I have been nothing but sincere and genuine, and never tried to pass a falsehood on to him about anything. He told me to write from the heart, because that is where the true intent lies.

I feel a kinship with him, as he seems to be coming from the same place internally that I am. And, you can't go wrong with a man who's wife loves my favorite show, "Dancing with the Stars!" He also reminded me to take my passions and add my strengths and that is where my true happiness will lie.

Pretty heavy stuff for a Monday night!

PS - I'm going to get my passport tomorrow - look out world, here comes AMY! :) (and she's wearing her tap shoes, and offering to knit you something!)

Food for thought

As I munch on my lunch at my cube, I reflect on a lot of what my friends have told me recently. Mainly that I am strong, capable, and that I deserve a man who will really love me.

I started to wonder why I am so strong, and where did that inner grace come from - and the only answer I can come back to is "faith". There are many phrases that are used to console in times of grief, and one that I believe in is that "the Lord only gives you what you can handle."

Well, the Lord must think that I can handle a lot! And I have...

When my grandmother died I did not shed a tear, because I know that God had a plan for her, and she led a full life living that plan. Nannie was a second mother to me, as I was over her house every day after school and during school breaks. She lived with us after my grandfather died for over 10 years, until she got very sick and passed. At the funeral, my cousin made the comment, "You are such a rock," to me, and I guess it was true. I held it together in the hospice room when she passed, as she opened her eyes one last time and looked into mine. I smiled at her, and waved and said loudly, "Hi Nannie!" because I wanted her to be able to hear me. I made the arrangements with the administration, and the funeral home, as my mother was too distraught to do so.

Many people know that my parents are divorced, and they recognize that I never really mention my father. What many people don't know is that my childhood was filled with parental arguments, driving by bars to look for his car, and one affair after another. My mom claims that he was even cheating on her when she was in the hospital delivering me - and frankly, I believe it. Dad also lied about two very important things about himself, and to this day the truth is still hidden to protect the innocent. As I got older, I would hate to see my mother so hurt, and I would wonder why my father kept doing this. He would always come back, so very sorry and promising change, yet it never happened. I think my mom stayed with him for 14 years because of me.

One of his girlfriends, and the woman he actually lives with now, is a stalker. And I'm not judging her based on long felt emotions, or bad things that my mother put into my head. I stood there clear headed when my mom had to block every pay phone in our zip code so that she would stop calling and just hang on the phone. She wouldn't say anything, just breathe into the phone, and we traced a few of the calls, and know they were from her. I watched as my mom's car got keyed repeatedly, whenever we went into a store in our neighborhood, and she happened to follow us there - not even trying to hide the fact that she was following us. When I was in the 6th grade, and we bought our current house, she followed the moving van to where we live, and sat in her car down the street, and watched as all the furniture came into the house. My mother, ever the brave one, started walking down the street toward the car, and she quickly sped off.

I was 13 years old, and my father was cheating again. I remember that it was very close to my 8th grade graduation, and mom just found out that it was happening again. He was due home from work soon, and my grandmother was in the process of making dinner. I looked at my mom, and told her that I was going to ask him "why". She looked at me, and I went on to explain that I want to know why he does this, and if he is so unhappy why does he have to make us unhappy? I told her that she doesn't need him anymore, and she should not stay with him because of me. She smiled, and told me that I was very brave, and if I needed to do this, then I should say how I feel.

My father came home about an hour later, and I confronted him. I was standing there in my school uniform, and I asked him why. I started to cry, as this was the first time I had ever gotten involved in any of their arguments, but I muddled through what I had to say. He began to cry as well, and apologize, and I told him that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I can remember it like it was yesterday: I blew my nose, dried my eyes, and told him to leave. My grandmother and mother were crying silently in the kitchen, as I faced my father in the living room, and asked him to remove himself from our lives, because we didn't deserve to be hurt anymore. He packed his stuff and left.

I will always love my father, because he's my father, but I don't respect the man, and I never will. He tried to have a relationship with me after that, but it wasn't working for either of us. And, he, being the adult, should have tried harder. I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years, and I don't plan to anytime soon.

I've always been overweight, and chubby... but no little girl should feel the pain of walking down the street to her friend's house, and have the neighborhood bullies make fun of her. Calling me names that I didn't even know the meaning of, but repeatedly using the word "fat". And through that entire walk, holding my head high because I knew they didn't deserve the satisfaction.

I had a 2nd grade teacher tell me once that people only pick on you because they feel so bad inside of themselves. The only way they can feel better is to lash out at someone. I think that is when I developed my deep sense of sympathy.

Instead of getting angry at people for their actions, I started to feel bad for them. I don't think I have any more strength than anyone else, or any more enlightenment than anyone else. But what I have is a deep compassion for people, and an understanding that people get stuck in places that they never wanted to be, and they are only hurting you because they don't know how to handle themselves. That's how I learned how to forgive so easily.

And... through all of this, I've had faith. I have felt that since I was a little girl that God has a plan for me. Through these experiences, through learning about people, I've been able to get myself to a place where I can help others.

That's my true calling in life, and that is what I'm supposed to do.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Blind Promises...

... is the name of the last romance novel that I read by Diana Palmer. Most people know that I'm an avid reader, but they have no idea that I have an addiction to romance novels, and can read through 3-4 in a given weekend. I wish the bookstore had a rent-to-buy option, as I normally read them in about 2 hours, and then I'm left with a perfectly pristine book clogging my living space. Yes, I've heard of this wonderful thing called a "Library", but my only issue with that is that they don't have enough copies of the new books, so I have to go through the hassle of ordering them, and waiting. I'm an instant gratification reader, if the book is out, I want it. Then I'm normally pissed because it's over so quickly.

I see the ironic nature of romance novels, yet I can't stop reading them. They are actually formulaic in the sense that every one of them pretty much reads the same way; especially each author's book. With Diana Palmer there is normally an extra sense of drama. Man meets woman, there is a instant dislike - yet a sexual tension between the couple. Some sort of tragic event occurs, which makes the man think that he isn't right for the woman, and he breaks her heart. And... then like every good romance, true love prevails, he realizes his mistake, and they are on their way to happily ever after.

Now, I'm wise enough to know what "fiction" means, but like all things fiction, there is usually a moment of truth, or a bit of reality that instigated the written idea. My relationships with men have always been very unorthodox. I've "dated" a number of guys, but only had a handful of relationships that were more then 2 dates. The females in my family have a poor history of relationships, and I don't use them as examples of the type of relationship I want. Actually, the idea of having any of their relationships makes me shudder in horror. There never seems to be a balance in the couple, and one always seems to hold something over the other's head. Whether it be money, or looks, speaking ability, education, etc...

Since I'm not privy to the intimate details of the relationships of those around me, I often wonder how close to real life a relationship in a romance novel is. No, I'm not busting out of my top, and waiting for a man on a white horse to save me from certain demise - that would just be stupid. But is the "in to her" or "in to him" factor over dramatized in a romance novel? Are they written as the ideal to fulfill a fantasy of what someone wants their relationship to be like, or is it based on truth?

I don't question the flowery language, as that is part of the romance novel deal.. but things like, "my heart sped up when I saw her," "her sent was intoxicating," "I could have held her all night, and it was worth my arm falling asleep," "I like waking up in the middle of the night and watching you sleep," "we were in public at a family dinner, but it tested all of my self control to keep my hands off of her," - do those things happen? Is that what I should be looking for, or is that just a romance novel?

A friend used to drive a point home with me all the time when I'd tell him about my dates not necessarily meeting my expectations... "he's a man, what do you expect?" And, there is a lot of truth in that question. Men are very different than woman. But just how different is something that I need to determine...

Updated profile...

So, I went online last night, and updated my profile from an online networking/dating site from "seeing someone" to "single". That was an interesting feeling... it's really hard to describe, as I had met my ex on that site.

But in other news...

I found some old pictures of me from back in 2002-2004 when I had lost 75lbs. I've since gained some of it back over the years... but it was startling to see myself then. I had such a twinkle in my eye at that time in my life... but I'm pretty sure I remember who had a hand at putting that twinkle there at that time. Really yummy memories!

So, I started back in the gym this past week, and I'm going to do it again. Low carb dieting worked for me before, but after a year on it, I had stopped losing. Then life happened - my grandmom passed, and I lost the zest for exercising. I'm going to try low fat this time around, as the Italian in me can't give up her pasta completely.

One more change to add to the list! One more chapter to add to life's book...

Must go to sleep now... as I have my Confirmation Monsters to teach in the morning!

Friday, April 11, 2008

What a difference a week makes...

I guess it's natural after such a shock that my mood swings from confident and full of bravado, to questioning and unsure.

I went out to dinner with my mom tonight, something I normally do on Fridays, and I could only think about dinner out last Friday. Mom and I went to a local restaurant and were chatting about life and the upcoming things that were happening in mine and my ex's life.

I told her about his upcoming trip to Canada this past week, about how he mentioned last week that we were going to the beach over the summer. His new job, and what time he would be over the next day to take her out to lunch for her birthday. I was so happy and eager to see him, as I normally am when I hadn't seen him all week. I told her about the weekend before, when we were out to dinner with friends, and talking about life, and how we saw a sushi karaoke place, and I was trying to talk them into all going.

And tonight, as we sat at the table, I couldn't help but think about how my life completely changed in less than 24 hours.

I never claimed that he was normal, but usually if someone is at odds with the relationship, they'd start pushing you away. Or, they would ask for some space and time apart to think things through. Even a "I need some time alone to figure out my new job and what I need to do, and what I want out of the relationship." Or, if they are mature enough, they'd sit down and talk about their feelings, and what we could do as a team to sort them out. Unfortunately none of that happened.

I can't help but wonder if this is a repeat of his last breakup. From the side of the story I heard, work asked him to stand up and show what he was made of, and he was never challenged like that before. He got upset, and through some sort of logic prevailed, he went home and broke up with his then girlfriend. I don't know, it just seems to me that it wasn't going to end this fast and this way. I just think he wants to focus so much on his career, because that is what makes him the happiest. He wants the love and companionship of a relationship, but doesn't know how to find that balance.

But life is all about balance, not about depriving yourself of something for the sake of something else. Yet, again, I go back to my first comment that I made to myself after all of this happened, "I can't make someone love me who doesn't want to."

I tried my hardest to never pressure him for more than he was willing to give. But, I thought he was with me every step of the way. However, I can't solve a problem unless I know about it.

My "in the moment" lesson for this evening is to enjoy every moment you have with someone, because you never know when it will all be taken away.

Expectations...

Back in March I was facilitating a class called Setting Goals and Expectations for a group of leaders at my work. It's an interesting group, as they are using Jim Collins' Good to Great to set their strategy. They need a lot of work, because they spend most of their time in survival mode, handling the day to day, and not any time developing relationships or the potential of their employees. Then they wonder why the majority of the staff is on corrective action.



As I sit here this afternoon in my cube, thinking about the next class I'll be designing and facilitating for them, the idea of "Expectations" keeps rolling around in my head.



Thinking about this logically, if an employee performs below expectations they are put on a corrective plan. If they do not improve, they are removed from the position. Normally an employee will try to do better, as people have a need for a job, and it's human nature to want to succeed and do well. If they don't meet expectations, then they have something of value to lose - money, pride, and esteem.



It's interesting to me that this concept only works in the workplace. If someone is not meeting expectations in relationships, it's really hard to have that difficult conversation. But, instead of giving each other a "corrective action plan" they just quit. You still have something of value to lose - love, pride, and esteem - but why isn't it valued as much in life as in a job? Why doesn't the person want to do better?



People spend 8-10 hours a day with their boss and coworkers. A "family" is often formed, where friendships are valued and trust is established. Yet, when expectations aren't met, it's really easy to have that conversation with your coworker (when they are slacking on their share of the project) or from the boss to the employee.

Yet, we can't have the same conversations outside of work. It's easier to quit, then to talk about it.

Life Purpose and Legacy

A good friend and coworker went through a coaching certificate program a few months ago. As part of the program, the participants were to do work with clients for a few hours. She offered us any of her classmates who needed to meet this requirement.

As I was struggling for awhile in where I would like to focus my career, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to work with a career coach. I partnered with her classmate who just so happened to be a few years ahead of where I am right now, and where he was then.

My boss likes to tell me that I have a perfect mix of skills, but when choosing a grad program, those two sets of skills aren't combined. I could either pursue a degree in Instructional Design, or one in Organizational Development. Both had their merits and benefits, and both would be beneficial to the workplace, but I couldn't come to a decision. But, after working with my coach, I was able to decide on Organizational Development, and am in the middle of applying.

I have two more meetings with him, and my homework assignment was to complete a worksheet called "Life Purpose and Legacy". These questions seem simple at first, but on second look they are very hard to answer. I have to giggle, because during our first meeting he had me dissolved into tears as I was crying about how I just want to help people when he attempted to ask me one of the questions.

I think I'm in a better place now to answer them, and thought it would be fun to share:

1. What values/principles are most important to you?
  • Learning and education
  • Respect for self and others
  • Kindness toward others
  • Compassion and empathy
  • Success in a career
  • Family and friends
  • Fun
  • Total awareness of self
  • Integrity and Trust
  • Faith

2. What things in life excite you and provide the most fulfillment?

I have a lot of energy and excitement anytime I'm about to learn something new, or undertake a challenge. I like to figure things out, and wonder why they are happening, and what human emotion went into making those decisions.

People excite me, I enjoy working with them and helping them uncover who they really are. Anytime I get to use my creativity to solve a problem or think outside of the box provides fulfillment.

I'm most fulfilled when I'm with the people I love and we are trying something new. I like the connection that comes with going through experiences together. It's a bond that won't ever be broken. I also find fulfillment when I'm giving of myself to others.

3. What things in the world concern you most?

Currently the blatant lack of respect that people have for each other and most importantly themselves. It's a very selfish world that we live in, and I'm not a selfish person, so I sometimes have a hard time relating. I think this is why I like to figure people out so much, because they are doing something that I wouldn't normally do, and I want to know where the difference is coming from in their lives.

I'm also concerned with how easily everyone gives up. Maybe I'm just more stubborn than other people, but I don't think anything comes easy, and you have to work at it.

The level of apathy in people has increased. No one seems to care anymore about anything.

4. How can you use what provides you the most excitement/fulfillment to impact what concerns you the most?

I think I can only lead by example. Staying true to who I am, and what I find important is the only way to impact the lives of others.

Currently I work with young adults in my church's Confirmation program, and it's a struggle with them every week to feel passion and energy about anything. They have such a disrespect for everyone, that I feel as if I need to be the adult to help them see what they are doing, since they are not getting it from home.

I think through my future work, and my decision of a career path, will really help me have an impact on a lot of people quickly. Leadership development basically emphasis all of the things that are currently missing in the world that I have concern about.

5. Legacy: What do you want to leave for others after you are gone? What impact do you hope people will say you made in their life? Be specific.

I think that I want people to say that I challenged them and helped them. That I made them see something that they couldn't see for themselves and their lives improved because of it. I want to have taught the skills that changed a person's path and made them into an even better person or leader.

I want to leave humor, and the ability to not take yourself so seriously.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Presentation Skills...

The first of a three day workshop that I facilitate on Presentation Skills was today. It's always interesting to meet the new group of people that I will be spending a good chunk of my time with over the next 3 weeks, on various days. This time the group was all female, which adds to a very different dynamic than when I have a few males in the group.

My co-worker, who spent many years presenting about female empowerment, would be very proud of me as I felt myself take on the role of coach for these women. It was a different sense then normal, as I usually just coach on the topic that I'm teaching. But, I think it was a combination of "where I am right now" and "where they are right now" and "what they needed to hear from me" that all came together very nicely.

One woman offered me a compliment as she was leaving this afternoon by saying that she really enjoyed my spirit. I guess I looked at her oddly because she went on to explain that she was very apprehensive about coming to the class, but she immediately felt warm and safe in the environment that I created. She said that how I kept encouraging all of them and remaining positive, really helped them relax and be open to presenting.

Another woman, a transplant who has English as her second language, told me over the lunch break that in all of her schooling, she's never had someone teach like I do, and has never had so much fun. This was the first time that she ever experienced fun and learning at the same time, and she just wants me to keep going on and on.

I blame all of this on the jelly beans! I don't know how it happened, but since yesterday I have had so much joy in my heart. While waiting for things to print at the office, I was dancing up and down the hallway. It got even "worse" when I went to BINGO (yes, 28 year old females like BINGO too) last night. BINGO is a monthly family event, where I think any cousin of mine that lives in a 15 mile radius shows up. Any event that ends with me swing dancing with my priest in the middle of the Cafauditorinasim (Cafeteria, Auditorium, Gymnasium for those non-private school kids) - is an evening to be happy about!

I found this picture on my other favorite website icanhascheezburger.com and it just makes me smile!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Speaking of Diamonds...

It's amazing what one can find when not really looking. My other addiction is the show "Dancing with the Stars". I have an awesome friend who likes to tell me I watch too much tv, and I think he's right, but oh well!

Anyway, Sheryl Crow was on last night and she did her new single, "Out of Our Heads". I wanted to see the lyrics of the song, as it was fast paced and a lot of fun, but I was too busy watching the pros dance to the song to really listen. While on her website, I found the lyrics to another song from this new album, that really ring true to where I am right now:

"Diamond Ring"

We made love all day
In our little hide away
But I blew up our love nest
By making one little request

Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Don’t mean anything
Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Should not mean a thing

You could say I do
Hide your negative reviews
You love me you say
But you can’t even face the day

Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Don’t mean anything
Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Should not change

Some say love is blind
But I say love is only in the mind

Diamonds may be sweet
But to me they just bring on cold feet
Someday you’ll be like me
With someone who just wants to be free

Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Don’t mean anything
Diamond ring
Diamond ring
Should not mean a thing

I'll have to listen to this when I get home...

Diamond in the Rough

I have a few secret additions, one being the Travel Channel, the other the Food Network. One of my favorite shows on the Travel Channel is called "Cash and Treasures".

About a year ago I was watching Cash and Treasures and the host took the viewer to Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas. I was captivated that such a place even existed! Basically you pay a small fee, and then you get to keep whatever diamonds you find by digging in the group. It's hard, back breaking work, but the payoff can be huge! It's the only place of it's kind open to the public in the entire world.

I have been wanting to go, but my ex would always roll his eyes at the thought of digging in the mud without a guaranteed payoff.

But... that got me to thinking... does anything in life have a guarantee? And unfortunately it doesn't. I'm a planner by nature, but I can't control what actually happens when it happens. I guess this goes back to the age old question, do you leap or not without knowing what you are leaping into?

Anyway... I really want to go dig for diamonds.. just to have the life experience that I've done it!

Would anyone like to come with me?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Yin and Yang

As I was working through some emotions of my own this morning while eating my breakfast, I wrote an email to my ex, explaining some ideas I had about conflict. And the feeling of being at conflict within yourself.

I won't share the details here, but my overall assumption was that there is an opposing force trapped inside, and until those two forces merge, conflict will continue. The Chinese philosophy of the Yin and Yang (the dark versus the light as it is sometimes called) was a clear symbol to me that explains it well. Here is the wikipedia link explaining more about the Yin and Yang.

The idea is that they are two opposing forces, yet also complementary. You actually need the Yin to have a Yang, and vice verse. The true path and clarity can be found when you are able to balance the strengths and weaknesses of both.

Some believe that we are born with a natural ability in life to find balance, but perception sometimes disorients our mind to what is really clear. The term "clear as mud" is used to sometimes joke about how things aren't clear.... but I like the "can't see the trees because of the forest" metaphor better. If we are born with the answers that we will have questions about later, how do we find the answers in ourselves?

I can give you the normal answer, and say that people have to solve that life riddle themselves, and my way of finding balance is different than other's. But I don't think I will.

With my work I study a lot about conflict and I hear from my colleagues often about the conflicts they are facilitating with our clients. There are clear steps to resolution, but they do rely on soul-searching. We are not licensed psychologists, so we don't often deal with people who are at internal conflict in depth. But, I think how we react to the internal conflict is very similar to how people would react to external conflict.

There are several modes that can be used, and we have a tendency to stick to the same mode time and time again as it is the most comfortable to us. I won't bore you with the technical details, but we normally use the TKI approach when teaching people what the various modes are that can be used at different times.

My suggestion would be to begin by clearly defining the problem. And I don't mean just writing out a problem statement, although that can be helpful. What I mean is to really research everything you know about this problem. And that comes in many forms: what is fact, what is fiction, what are my assumptions, where did I get the knowledge that led me to these assumptions, are these assumptions true or based on misguidance?

Answering those questions and many like it gives you a very clear snapshot of the problem. But, realize that this isn't something easy to do. Often when answering those questions you'll uncover hidden emotions, and sometimes an awakening to a truth that really wasn't the truth.

Change hurts... but it's worth it.

Music and the Savage Beast

Yesterday was my mother's birthday, and we used one of her many gift cards from her surprise party presents to go to dinner. On the way home, we had to stop at the store to get some supplies to make cupcakes. My co-worker is retiring and today is his "Pot-luck Good Luck Party!" (yes, I came up with that name all by myself!)

As we were driving along, the song "Midnight Train to Georgia" came on, and I started to sing along. The romantic in me melted when the line, "I'd rather live with him in his world, then live without him in mine" was sung. And I sat there quietly, and mused over that for a long while.

Then, Meatloaf started to sing in the back of my head with the line, "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that!"

My "In the moment..." learning from that experience is that I think Meatloaf (of all people, who would make millions with a name like Meatloaf?) had it right. So many times people feel that they have to compromise and morph into another person in order to get what they think they want. That is completely wrong.

A real relationship is built on meeting someone who is in the same place as you are, and wants the same things. It's not about giving up who you are to meet the needs of another person, just so your heart won't hurt.

So, what is it that I really want out of a relationship? I want someone who will "meet me where I am" and actually be in the same place. I want someone who can love freely, and give of themselves without reserve. I want someone who has the same values, and share the affection in their heart without fear.

But, all of that needs to happen in due time, and not rushed and faked just to get an end result. In relationships you really can't "fake it until you make it". That may work when you are trying to change an inner belief about yourself, but it doesn't work on other people. It's not fair for me to live with blinders on, wishing that a change will be undertaken if I wait long enough.

I can only live one day at a time...

Monday, April 7, 2008

In the moment...

I decided to begin blogging because it's an easy way to get emotions and feelings out. I've always been told that writing things out removes it from being pent up inside, and I think it's true.

I decided to call this blog "In the moment..." because those words can mean so much, and my recent life experiences have really made me think of them.

About a month ago, I facilitated a New Hire Orientation for one of our clients, based on the FISH! ideals. Part of the philosophy is to "Be Present", and really be aware of what is happening around you. The other, which I think can translate to many things, is to "Choose your attitude".

Frankly, I think it goes beyond an attitude choice. What the philosophy is really saying is to not be a victim. The only thing you can control in life is your reaction to the events that occur, and choosing to live your life believing that things happen to you willy-nilly, and you can't get a break is foolish.

One thing that happened to me in the last few days is that I had a life altering moment. My boyfriend broke up with me, and it's sad because I am mourning what could have been. I wasn't living in the moment, and seeing what was really happening. His anxiety about relationships in general, and the commitment and time needed to make things work was overwhelming for him. And I'm angry that he did not come and talk to me about it when it first started. But I can't make someone love me, when they don't want to.

This tied in nicely to a lesson I taught on Sunday morning to my CCD kids. And one of the kids told a joke that really brought the meaning home. She said, "There were two muffins on a tray, baking in the oven. The one muffin said, "Damn, it's hot in here!" And the other muffin said, "I never knew muffins could talk!" It's so interesting to me how two people can live through the same exact experiences and see/feel/hear/wish for two very different things.

As my life undergoes more changes: Getting a passport to see the world I've been dreaming about seeing.. starting grad school in the fall... and starting the single life over again; I'm going to be living in the moment and choosing my attitude.

I'll be back frequently to update on how it's going...