Working out after work today really helped. I got some of my anger out, and now I'm just disappointed. But, I only have myself to blame. I should have ended the flirtation a long time ago, but my libido always seems to get the best of me.
I just don't get the behavior of men sometimes... maybe I am too genuine for my own good. I'm too nice, and my cohort members are helping me with that. My coworkers are starting to help me with it as well, and so is my friend Ryan. I just always see the good in people, and give them genuine affection, not thinking that they would ever be mean to me intentionally. But the truth is, I ended up hurt by many men that I have dated for this same reason.
I'm facing it... she's using him, by her own admission to me, he's using her, because who wouldn't want the female attention, and that is how they roll. I can't do that. I can't use people for sex, or for anything else - my conscious is too strong. It would break my heart to do that to anyone. She's one of those women that attract men who like to save women - for her own good. Its a shame her self-confidence is so low, but a dose of reality should help her grow up and become a mature woman.
I'm affectionate because I feel emotion and want to share the love. That's just who I am at the core, and its not fair to use that against me because someone is lacking in self-confidence and needs the ego boost. I'll see a person I care about, and just want to hug them close to me. I want to cuddle close and just let them know I'm there and share the warmth. But to tease me in a sexy way, just because I respond so easily, isn't fair. Especially when the guy isn't into me. Its almost as if its just for entertainment... "let's see what we can make her do now."
I wanted to go into Sam's arrival with my eyes wide open, because in the past I've felt so moved by his friendship I wasn't seeing him as a complete person. And its interesting what my eyes saw in less then a week. But I guess my Buddhist practice is helping me in that, to stay present and see the complete person. Not what I want to see with my rose-tinted glasses.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Still F*cking Furious
So, it's about 3pm this afternoon and I am still seething. Why? Well, lets be honest, men know exactly what they are doing about 95% of the time when it comes to women and relationships. I was played for a fool.
I was dangled by a finger, and stupid me went running every time he waved it in my direction. And I'm f*cking furious about it. I really thought that I was valued, but to be totally disrespected in front of my face was the last straw. As I mentioned in my earlier blogs, I'm starting to get my fire back and rediscovering parts of me that I had forgotten. A huge issue for me in disrespect. I don't like it, and I don't deserve to be treated that way.
Fuck him.
I was dangled by a finger, and stupid me went running every time he waved it in my direction. And I'm f*cking furious about it. I really thought that I was valued, but to be totally disrespected in front of my face was the last straw. As I mentioned in my earlier blogs, I'm starting to get my fire back and rediscovering parts of me that I had forgotten. A huge issue for me in disrespect. I don't like it, and I don't deserve to be treated that way.
Fuck him.
F*cking Furious
Yes, I am up at 6am, because I woke with a start because I am so F*cking furious from this weekend. I cannot even begin to describe the rage that I feel inside. I'm seething.
I don't know even where to begin. I'll start here. I've known since last October when I met Sam that he wasn't into me. Every opportunity he had to tell me that he didn't want a relationship and that I hope I find what I'm looking for, he took. I'm not stupid, I'm not dumb, I've heard him loud and clear. I knew that going to Austin to see him was just as friends, I never expected anything else from it. However, I was attracted to him, and with the way sometimes we get sexual in our flirtation, it was fun, and I had a small nugget of hope that one day, things would change. But I never depended on it, and I never thought that he would be the one.
Enter, Her. I'm not even going to get into it. Because I will probably strangle both of them if I let myself. This is why I am so furious - she point blank told me, at every opportunity on Saturday night when Sam and Ty weren't around, that she is messing with their heads, is not really into them, is using them for the attention, and is an Ice Princess without feelings who doesn't really care who she tramples in the meantime. That was a direct quote from her. I thought maybe it was the alcohol, but it happened so often, that it had to be true. So, when Saturday night we are sitting outside, and I hear my dear friend start to sell himself of why he would be an awesome boyfriend to her and the better catch, I couldn't take it. I was so grossed out that I had to leave. I never got so sober so fast. I told him that I didn't want to ruin our friendship, that I got over him and cried for him for a week because of it when I got home from Austin... all of which is true. But I could not sit there and watch him fall over himself for a piece of ass who is a pit viper. And, I can't say anything to him about it, because all it does is make me look like a pit viper.
I thought maybe I read the situation wrong. So when I went over there for dinner last night, I wanted to speak to Ty. His words to me, "Honey, I saw her clearly the moment she walked into the door." I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't blowing things out of proportion and I was seeing them clearly. I told him my side of the story from the night before, and why I was so furious. The part I left out was that she was all over Ty on Saturday night, telling him she wished he wasn't married. Ty told me point blank that at one point her hand was so close to his package on his leg at dinner, that he didn't know what he would have done if she went farther. Oh, and he told me in the car-ride, that she got out of Sam's bed in the morning, and went to crawl into bed with him. Then Sam followed her in. F*cking IDIOT!
The icing on the cake, when the boys went out to smoke at dinner last night, is that she had the audacity to speak to me. She said, "Are you and Sam okay?" And I told her that we'd be fine, it will all settle down, I always knew that he wasn't into me. Then she said, "are you and I okay?" And I laughed and told her that none of this was her fault, and she has no reason to worry. I went on to say, again, that I always knew Sam wasn't into me, and if they were into each other, the more power to them. She said that she feels bad... I asked her why. She said, and I quote, "I'm not into him at all, he's just comfortable since I know him and convenient." I said, again, "Hey, whatever floats your boat, but if you two are into each other, go for it." At that point, I knew what the old saying "spitting nails" meant. Sam and Ty walked in at that moment, and Ty, bless his heart, tried to distract me, because he knew it was going to get ugly. So I repeated the conversation I had with HER to Sam, leaving out the part about him just being a comfortable convenience. But I told Ty exactly what she said when I asked him to walk me to my car. He thanked me for my blessing, and me, in my ever pleasant glory, flipped him the bird.
So, why am I so furious? Because if he is buying this from her, hook, line, etc, then now I can understand why every one of his last girlfriends cheated on him. I told him a long time ago that he needs to find a better quality woman, and it wouldn't happen. But if he is going after women like her - that's exactly why he got cheated on so many times. I can understand wanting a piece of ass, and if she was genuinely into him, I would be all for it - I want him to be happy. But she's not. Ty knows it, I know it, I know it for fact because she told me herself. And, here, more icing on the cake. When she and I were in the bathroom at PF Chang's she had the audacity to tell me "we need to make Sam fall in love with you." I laughed and said that wouldn't happen, why even say that? And she goes, "Because you two are awesome together and would make the perfect couple." I again told her that wouldn't happen, he's not into me.
How stupid can one man be? She's a common whore who plays this innocent game of "hey whatever" but she knows I see right through her, and she knows that Ty does too. But she's going to keep using Sam as long as he continues to fawn all over her. Its bullshit. I don't want to see him hurt again, and I can't do anything about it - that's why I'm so mad.
I don't know even where to begin. I'll start here. I've known since last October when I met Sam that he wasn't into me. Every opportunity he had to tell me that he didn't want a relationship and that I hope I find what I'm looking for, he took. I'm not stupid, I'm not dumb, I've heard him loud and clear. I knew that going to Austin to see him was just as friends, I never expected anything else from it. However, I was attracted to him, and with the way sometimes we get sexual in our flirtation, it was fun, and I had a small nugget of hope that one day, things would change. But I never depended on it, and I never thought that he would be the one.
Enter, Her. I'm not even going to get into it. Because I will probably strangle both of them if I let myself. This is why I am so furious - she point blank told me, at every opportunity on Saturday night when Sam and Ty weren't around, that she is messing with their heads, is not really into them, is using them for the attention, and is an Ice Princess without feelings who doesn't really care who she tramples in the meantime. That was a direct quote from her. I thought maybe it was the alcohol, but it happened so often, that it had to be true. So, when Saturday night we are sitting outside, and I hear my dear friend start to sell himself of why he would be an awesome boyfriend to her and the better catch, I couldn't take it. I was so grossed out that I had to leave. I never got so sober so fast. I told him that I didn't want to ruin our friendship, that I got over him and cried for him for a week because of it when I got home from Austin... all of which is true. But I could not sit there and watch him fall over himself for a piece of ass who is a pit viper. And, I can't say anything to him about it, because all it does is make me look like a pit viper.
I thought maybe I read the situation wrong. So when I went over there for dinner last night, I wanted to speak to Ty. His words to me, "Honey, I saw her clearly the moment she walked into the door." I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't blowing things out of proportion and I was seeing them clearly. I told him my side of the story from the night before, and why I was so furious. The part I left out was that she was all over Ty on Saturday night, telling him she wished he wasn't married. Ty told me point blank that at one point her hand was so close to his package on his leg at dinner, that he didn't know what he would have done if she went farther. Oh, and he told me in the car-ride, that she got out of Sam's bed in the morning, and went to crawl into bed with him. Then Sam followed her in. F*cking IDIOT!
The icing on the cake, when the boys went out to smoke at dinner last night, is that she had the audacity to speak to me. She said, "Are you and Sam okay?" And I told her that we'd be fine, it will all settle down, I always knew that he wasn't into me. Then she said, "are you and I okay?" And I laughed and told her that none of this was her fault, and she has no reason to worry. I went on to say, again, that I always knew Sam wasn't into me, and if they were into each other, the more power to them. She said that she feels bad... I asked her why. She said, and I quote, "I'm not into him at all, he's just comfortable since I know him and convenient." I said, again, "Hey, whatever floats your boat, but if you two are into each other, go for it." At that point, I knew what the old saying "spitting nails" meant. Sam and Ty walked in at that moment, and Ty, bless his heart, tried to distract me, because he knew it was going to get ugly. So I repeated the conversation I had with HER to Sam, leaving out the part about him just being a comfortable convenience. But I told Ty exactly what she said when I asked him to walk me to my car. He thanked me for my blessing, and me, in my ever pleasant glory, flipped him the bird.
So, why am I so furious? Because if he is buying this from her, hook, line, etc, then now I can understand why every one of his last girlfriends cheated on him. I told him a long time ago that he needs to find a better quality woman, and it wouldn't happen. But if he is going after women like her - that's exactly why he got cheated on so many times. I can understand wanting a piece of ass, and if she was genuinely into him, I would be all for it - I want him to be happy. But she's not. Ty knows it, I know it, I know it for fact because she told me herself. And, here, more icing on the cake. When she and I were in the bathroom at PF Chang's she had the audacity to tell me "we need to make Sam fall in love with you." I laughed and said that wouldn't happen, why even say that? And she goes, "Because you two are awesome together and would make the perfect couple." I again told her that wouldn't happen, he's not into me.
How stupid can one man be? She's a common whore who plays this innocent game of "hey whatever" but she knows I see right through her, and she knows that Ty does too. But she's going to keep using Sam as long as he continues to fawn all over her. Its bullshit. I don't want to see him hurt again, and I can't do anything about it - that's why I'm so mad.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Fun is the cure
I love Avocados. They really don't have a flavor, but the texture is what attracts me. There is something so stimulating about them when I eat them. Its almost a lush feeling that I get.
I've been reading more from Pema, one of the first Buddhist western nuns, in her book "Start Where you Are." The book is about having a compassionate heart, and finding the way out of the wounds inside to let the soft spot of the heart live. She teaches a practice where you breath in the emotion, the darkness that you are feeling, and breath out light and space. Its great for calming any of the three poisons that creep in: aggression, passion, or ignorance. All can be a good thing, but when they are negative, and turn into fixation, is when the poison happens. Then while breathing, you are to "drop the story line" and just recognize that the emotions you are feeling other humans have felt, and feel the compassion for them. It is also about having compassion for yourself, and being gentle - not judgemental.
I'm going to have a great weekend! FUN is the cure for everything!
I've been reading more from Pema, one of the first Buddhist western nuns, in her book "Start Where you Are." The book is about having a compassionate heart, and finding the way out of the wounds inside to let the soft spot of the heart live. She teaches a practice where you breath in the emotion, the darkness that you are feeling, and breath out light and space. Its great for calming any of the three poisons that creep in: aggression, passion, or ignorance. All can be a good thing, but when they are negative, and turn into fixation, is when the poison happens. Then while breathing, you are to "drop the story line" and just recognize that the emotions you are feeling other humans have felt, and feel the compassion for them. It is also about having compassion for yourself, and being gentle - not judgemental.
I'm going to have a great weekend! FUN is the cure for everything!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Interesting middle...
I'm antsy today. I have all of the teachings in my head about taking myself lightly and not so seriously, and I'm trying to live that. I'm bored. I think that's the major issue, and my alternative to boredom is working on my paper and I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because its not fun. So I've taken to day dreaming about after graduation, and I'm becoming inpatient because it is not happening soon enough.
I still have a vision of myself sitting on a rock, on some beautiful sea coast somewhere, wearing white, a canopy blocking the sun, and just meditating and feeling God inside of my soul. The feeling of happiness and contentment that I am imagining brings a tear to my eye. I'm moved by that image, for it is one of purity, and one of calmness, and one of someone who has stopped caring about what she doesn't have, and is completely focused on what she does have. Love, compassion, peace, and serenity. I want to be removed from the trappings of normalcy. The idea of finding the perfect mate, living in a certain house, driving a certain car, and vacationing at a certain beach. I want to stop feeling the pressure to live these things, because God doesn't need perfection, He just wants to see progress. I need to figure out how to ignore the stares of pity when someone finds out that I'm 30 and single, and wonders if I'll ever have a husband. I need to stop feeling guilty, wondering if I'll ever give my mother grandchildren.
I've been thinking about something Hansa (a classmate) said to me when we were at lunch at class a few weekends ago. Nidhi and I were talking about the fact that we are single (she's 35) and are looking for our mate. We were saying what we wanted in a partner, and Hansa said, "What do you have to offer a partner? Why should someone want to be with you?" She wasn't being mean, but I think she was trying to get us to focus on us and building the life we want on our own. I agree with that totally. But I've been pondering... what do I have to offer a mate? And does someone actually want what I have to offer?
Then I think that I don't really care. And that's the honest truth, because I want to focus on me so much. Just doing what I like, figuring out who I am, experiencing life, and just living. But there is a piece of me who wants that deep agape love with another human. I want my partner.
I've also been thinking about how does someone really know when they find someone for them. The logic of the situation is getting in my way of emotions. I've been told that you will just know... but I also know, from studying human nature, that people create their own realities and only see data that supports their opinion. This is why parents think their children are perfect, even though their teachers will disagree, why some women stay with cheating men - they don't see it, and why some people live in oblivion. I've been reading about being 100% present, and that includes seeing someone in their completeness, not just a fantasy of who you think they are. But how do I do that? That's something I've been working on. How do I not become swayed toward one view, because that is what I want so badly to be true? Its almost as if I shouldn't create a view in the first place, and allow a wall to be around me. Not expect them to be a certain way, or feel a certain way toward me, so I can fully see all the data they are offering me, and not data that I'm selecting to support my theory. But the wants and desires of human nature get in the way... I need to practice this.
I still have a vision of myself sitting on a rock, on some beautiful sea coast somewhere, wearing white, a canopy blocking the sun, and just meditating and feeling God inside of my soul. The feeling of happiness and contentment that I am imagining brings a tear to my eye. I'm moved by that image, for it is one of purity, and one of calmness, and one of someone who has stopped caring about what she doesn't have, and is completely focused on what she does have. Love, compassion, peace, and serenity. I want to be removed from the trappings of normalcy. The idea of finding the perfect mate, living in a certain house, driving a certain car, and vacationing at a certain beach. I want to stop feeling the pressure to live these things, because God doesn't need perfection, He just wants to see progress. I need to figure out how to ignore the stares of pity when someone finds out that I'm 30 and single, and wonders if I'll ever have a husband. I need to stop feeling guilty, wondering if I'll ever give my mother grandchildren.
I've been thinking about something Hansa (a classmate) said to me when we were at lunch at class a few weekends ago. Nidhi and I were talking about the fact that we are single (she's 35) and are looking for our mate. We were saying what we wanted in a partner, and Hansa said, "What do you have to offer a partner? Why should someone want to be with you?" She wasn't being mean, but I think she was trying to get us to focus on us and building the life we want on our own. I agree with that totally. But I've been pondering... what do I have to offer a mate? And does someone actually want what I have to offer?
Then I think that I don't really care. And that's the honest truth, because I want to focus on me so much. Just doing what I like, figuring out who I am, experiencing life, and just living. But there is a piece of me who wants that deep agape love with another human. I want my partner.
I've also been thinking about how does someone really know when they find someone for them. The logic of the situation is getting in my way of emotions. I've been told that you will just know... but I also know, from studying human nature, that people create their own realities and only see data that supports their opinion. This is why parents think their children are perfect, even though their teachers will disagree, why some women stay with cheating men - they don't see it, and why some people live in oblivion. I've been reading about being 100% present, and that includes seeing someone in their completeness, not just a fantasy of who you think they are. But how do I do that? That's something I've been working on. How do I not become swayed toward one view, because that is what I want so badly to be true? Its almost as if I shouldn't create a view in the first place, and allow a wall to be around me. Not expect them to be a certain way, or feel a certain way toward me, so I can fully see all the data they are offering me, and not data that I'm selecting to support my theory. But the wants and desires of human nature get in the way... I need to practice this.
Interesting start....
I was down the street from work when I remembered that I didn't have my laptop with me, so I had to go back home and get it. I guess if I was fully present like my Buddhist teachings are showing me, I wouldn't have left it. Although I'm learning to be gentle with myself... no judgements!
I checked my email and I had a new horoscope in my inbox:
Forget about work for a change, dear Taurus, and focus instead on your love life! You know what we're talking about. This is one area of your life that can really use some attention. There's no sense waiting for your partner to do it; it is up to you. Why not book a romantic weekend away? It will do wonders for your relationship, and you will add spark to your life just by anticipating the fun the two of you will have. Your commitment should mean more than your independence.
I had a good laugh, as my horoscope doesn't seem to know that I'm single. But I'm always up for a weekend away... now I just need to find a guy to take with me! hehehe :)
I checked my email and I had a new horoscope in my inbox:
Forget about work for a change, dear Taurus, and focus instead on your love life! You know what we're talking about. This is one area of your life that can really use some attention. There's no sense waiting for your partner to do it; it is up to you. Why not book a romantic weekend away? It will do wonders for your relationship, and you will add spark to your life just by anticipating the fun the two of you will have. Your commitment should mean more than your independence.
I had a good laugh, as my horoscope doesn't seem to know that I'm single. But I'm always up for a weekend away... now I just need to find a guy to take with me! hehehe :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Fantasy
Well, in the spirit of continuing to be honest with my emotions and thoughts, I've noticed that my sexual drive has increased since I've been off the birth control pills. I went off of them two months ago because I was not sure if they were contributing to my anxiety, as it seemed to get worse when I was on the strongest dose of the pill. We were actually talking about this at by Book Club meeting, as some of the ladies were switching their types of pill, and I didn't realize it could effect my sexual drive. But now that I've been off of it, I'm back to the drive I used to have before I went on the pills 3 years ago.
Which... (all of this ties together somehow)I have to be honest and say that even though I know my friend is not into me, nor does he want a relationship with me, I am still completely attracted to him. I don't know what it is with him, but there is some sort of cavewoman response I have to him when I'm close. I control it well, only offering up platonic affection, but I wouldn't mind if he pulled me by my hair back to his cave and had his way with me. But, considering that he's happy being single, and doesn't think I'm the one for him (I'm assuming) I need to find some other man to take my sexual energy out on... it doesn't help that I also have an emotional connection with him since he's such a good friend.
Must maintain boundaries!
Which... (all of this ties together somehow)I have to be honest and say that even though I know my friend is not into me, nor does he want a relationship with me, I am still completely attracted to him. I don't know what it is with him, but there is some sort of cavewoman response I have to him when I'm close. I control it well, only offering up platonic affection, but I wouldn't mind if he pulled me by my hair back to his cave and had his way with me. But, considering that he's happy being single, and doesn't think I'm the one for him (I'm assuming) I need to find some other man to take my sexual energy out on... it doesn't help that I also have an emotional connection with him since he's such a good friend.
Must maintain boundaries!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Yawn
I'm sleepy today for some reason, not really sure why. Possibly its because I got to sleep a little later than normal, or it may be that I really have nothing to do at work today. I worked on one of my papers due for class, my Strategic Quest paper. I have to write my life mission and how school is supporting me in that. Fortunately I did most of this ground work last summer when I was being coached, so I wrote out 2 pages of it already. Now I just need to expand on it to 5 pages.
I went to the library at lunch and got a few more books on Buddhism and Hinduism. I think I'm becoming a Catholic-Buddhist-Hindu. That is hard for most people to believe, but I think the three compliment each other perfectly. As a Catholic I don't formally believe in all teachings of the church (mainly the ones that discriminate or don't empower women), but I do believe in the followings of Jesus. He really taught us how to live and love, and I want to follow that same path. I'm learning in the Hindu religion that everyone has an inner Source from God, and through meditation and yoga we can find God within us. The Buddhists are teaching me about meditation and how to quiet my mind and work with my emotions to control them, so they don't control me. I'm learning how to be balanced, which feels heavenly. Like I may have mentioned before, when you can shut your mind off and just feel, that good light feeling you witness is your own soul.
I'm trying to get a bunch of people together to go hear an 80s band on Saturday. So far I have 2 people going with me, but the others have yet to respond. Two of them have children, so I know it is hard for them to get out, but hopefully they will be able to go. My need for fun is causing me to focus on the fun things more than the school things. But I will get my papers completed, I just have to will myself to do it.
I went to the library at lunch and got a few more books on Buddhism and Hinduism. I think I'm becoming a Catholic-Buddhist-Hindu. That is hard for most people to believe, but I think the three compliment each other perfectly. As a Catholic I don't formally believe in all teachings of the church (mainly the ones that discriminate or don't empower women), but I do believe in the followings of Jesus. He really taught us how to live and love, and I want to follow that same path. I'm learning in the Hindu religion that everyone has an inner Source from God, and through meditation and yoga we can find God within us. The Buddhists are teaching me about meditation and how to quiet my mind and work with my emotions to control them, so they don't control me. I'm learning how to be balanced, which feels heavenly. Like I may have mentioned before, when you can shut your mind off and just feel, that good light feeling you witness is your own soul.
I'm trying to get a bunch of people together to go hear an 80s band on Saturday. So far I have 2 people going with me, but the others have yet to respond. Two of them have children, so I know it is hard for them to get out, but hopefully they will be able to go. My need for fun is causing me to focus on the fun things more than the school things. But I will get my papers completed, I just have to will myself to do it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Indulgent Weekend
Continuing on my theme of feeling sensations and getting back into touch with my body through meditation, I had a really indulgent weekend.
Friday night I drove to Bethesda for the 5 Rhythms meditation to meet my friend Stephanie and her husband Jason. The group was meeting at Carderock Springs Tennis and Swim club, which is in the middle of this beautiful wooded neighborhood. We really didn't know what to expect, as we were just minimally exposed to 5 Rhythms in Bethel, but we knew it involved free form movement to music. I LOVED IT! There was a hodge-podge of people there, some of which never left the 60s, but most were youngish females with a few males attending too. I danced for 2 1/2 hours straight to great music. There is an instructor there who changes the music and calls out suggestions after warming us up, but for the most part you let the music move your body however it wants. A lot of emotion can come out, as your body learns to move as it wants, and not have the brain interfere with wondering what people are saying about you. At the end we did a silent meditation and relaxation, before having yummy melon from the Eastern Shore. It was a long drive home in the rain, but I slept really really well that night. My legs and feet were tired from dancing on a hard wood floor, but I know I burnt a lot of energy off. At one point I started shaking myself out to the music and felt a lot of the anger leave as I let it go. I felt great!
Saturday I got up and went to get a Raindrop Therapy Massage. This is my favorite massage ever, as it involves 7 different oils being dropped down the spine, a back massage, and a foot massage. I was in Heaven! My jaw was so slack after it, that I had to make sure I wasn't drooling down my chin. I left there, had a yummy salad and then went to have a pedicure. I did the special hydrating mask version which included an extended foot and leg massage - HEAVEN again! That night Mom and I tried a new restaurant to us, Liquid Earth. Mom didn't like it. I went because they have a lot of vegan and raw meals, but I thought it was going to be like RAW in New York, and it wasn't. I guess I have to just go to NY and try it! hehe :) I should have worked on my paper, but I just played on the computer instead that evening.
Sunday I went to Mass, then breakfast with Mom. I took a nice long nap on the couch before running to Home Depot. My friend Stacey bailed on me, as she wasn't feeling well, and she was supposed to go out with me and Sam and his friends. I had a great time last night, although slightly embarrassing at one point. I was having a flirtation with a guy in Boston that I met online, and there is no interest from my side beyond the flirtation. One evening we were sending naughty texts, which lead to a few snaps from both of our camera phones. I had forgotten about the picture (just of my breast) and when Sam picked up my phone, guess what he found? Well, there goes the innocent vibe I was trying to maintain! LOL I deleted the picture quickly, but it caught me off guard. I can add that to one of my flooziest moments and share it with the girls! Although that's not as bad as my Vegas story...
Friday night I drove to Bethesda for the 5 Rhythms meditation to meet my friend Stephanie and her husband Jason. The group was meeting at Carderock Springs Tennis and Swim club, which is in the middle of this beautiful wooded neighborhood. We really didn't know what to expect, as we were just minimally exposed to 5 Rhythms in Bethel, but we knew it involved free form movement to music. I LOVED IT! There was a hodge-podge of people there, some of which never left the 60s, but most were youngish females with a few males attending too. I danced for 2 1/2 hours straight to great music. There is an instructor there who changes the music and calls out suggestions after warming us up, but for the most part you let the music move your body however it wants. A lot of emotion can come out, as your body learns to move as it wants, and not have the brain interfere with wondering what people are saying about you. At the end we did a silent meditation and relaxation, before having yummy melon from the Eastern Shore. It was a long drive home in the rain, but I slept really really well that night. My legs and feet were tired from dancing on a hard wood floor, but I know I burnt a lot of energy off. At one point I started shaking myself out to the music and felt a lot of the anger leave as I let it go. I felt great!
Saturday I got up and went to get a Raindrop Therapy Massage. This is my favorite massage ever, as it involves 7 different oils being dropped down the spine, a back massage, and a foot massage. I was in Heaven! My jaw was so slack after it, that I had to make sure I wasn't drooling down my chin. I left there, had a yummy salad and then went to have a pedicure. I did the special hydrating mask version which included an extended foot and leg massage - HEAVEN again! That night Mom and I tried a new restaurant to us, Liquid Earth. Mom didn't like it. I went because they have a lot of vegan and raw meals, but I thought it was going to be like RAW in New York, and it wasn't. I guess I have to just go to NY and try it! hehe :) I should have worked on my paper, but I just played on the computer instead that evening.
Sunday I went to Mass, then breakfast with Mom. I took a nice long nap on the couch before running to Home Depot. My friend Stacey bailed on me, as she wasn't feeling well, and she was supposed to go out with me and Sam and his friends. I had a great time last night, although slightly embarrassing at one point. I was having a flirtation with a guy in Boston that I met online, and there is no interest from my side beyond the flirtation. One evening we were sending naughty texts, which lead to a few snaps from both of our camera phones. I had forgotten about the picture (just of my breast) and when Sam picked up my phone, guess what he found? Well, there goes the innocent vibe I was trying to maintain! LOL I deleted the picture quickly, but it caught me off guard. I can add that to one of my flooziest moments and share it with the girls! Although that's not as bad as my Vegas story...
Friday, August 21, 2009
5 Rhythms
I am excited about going to the 5 Rhythms meditation dance tonight! I'm becoming more zen-like hippie by the minute, although I don't think I'll bend that easily. Plus, its a great workout!
Yoga last night was incredibly rewarding and I learned a new mantra from the book I am reading. Its about having loving-kindness to everyone and saying a blessing for them. I said it last night and again this morning and it does make me look at others and myself with kindness. I used to have that light, but somehow I lost it along the way.
I also weighed-in last night at the gym, and I had lost 2 more lbs since my weigh-in on Monday! WOOO HOOO! I'm going to be sexy and hot before I know it!
Yoga last night was incredibly rewarding and I learned a new mantra from the book I am reading. Its about having loving-kindness to everyone and saying a blessing for them. I said it last night and again this morning and it does make me look at others and myself with kindness. I used to have that light, but somehow I lost it along the way.
I also weighed-in last night at the gym, and I had lost 2 more lbs since my weigh-in on Monday! WOOO HOOO! I'm going to be sexy and hot before I know it!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sensations
I've been on the Raw Foods diet for two weeks now, and except for small cheating over the weekend when I had my veggie sandwich on a bagel, I've been really sticking to it! I'm not completely raw, as I still eat meat for dinner (cooked) but I've cut out all processed food, dairy, and white flour. I'm just eating fruits and veggies all day (raw) and then having meat and cooked veggies with dinner. I'm also drinking A LOT of water. I thought I had to pee a lot before... WOW!
So, what changes have I noticed?
Well, I have more energy and focus. Its hard to explain, but it is almost like I have a bank of energy stored. When I'm working I'm very relaxed, and almost zoned out, but come by my desk and start talking to me and I'm full of energy to talk about any topic. When I'm at the gym, my 30 minutes on the elliptical goes by quickly with me running even faster and farther. I'm burning 100 more calories on the machine without hardly any extra effort or breathing heavy. I think I'm going to extend it to 45mins to up the calorie burn. My focus has been great - I don't even have to listen to music when I'm at the gym to keep me entertained... and instead of multitasking to keep myself busy while working on things, I can focus into it clearly.
My skin looks soft, fresh, and dewy. My hair is also very shiny and soft. I've lost 6lbs so far in the week and 1/2 I've been on it. I feel lean... if lean is a feeling to be had. I'm getting really good sleep, and I feel more tranquil.
Overall, I think its a good idea and I will continue on it.
I've also started reading a new book, "How Not to be Afraid of Your Own Life" by Susan Piver. I picked it up at the library as it has a meditation and Buddhist slant to it. One way she has helped me get back into my body so far is through a few simple tasks with the senses. The first being listening - just stop and listen to all the sounds you hear, wherever you are. Don't judge them, or figure out what they are, or people are saying, just hear them. Another is touch... I stood in the shower this morning, and instead of rushing to get the towel and drying, I stood there and let myself feel the droplets of water as they ran over my body. Amazing and tingly feeling. That is what it means by staying present in the moment, with full meditative focused attention. Meditation isn't about making your mind blank, its about becoming fully aware of the present moment and not moving into autopilot. Neat stuff!
So, what changes have I noticed?
Well, I have more energy and focus. Its hard to explain, but it is almost like I have a bank of energy stored. When I'm working I'm very relaxed, and almost zoned out, but come by my desk and start talking to me and I'm full of energy to talk about any topic. When I'm at the gym, my 30 minutes on the elliptical goes by quickly with me running even faster and farther. I'm burning 100 more calories on the machine without hardly any extra effort or breathing heavy. I think I'm going to extend it to 45mins to up the calorie burn. My focus has been great - I don't even have to listen to music when I'm at the gym to keep me entertained... and instead of multitasking to keep myself busy while working on things, I can focus into it clearly.
My skin looks soft, fresh, and dewy. My hair is also very shiny and soft. I've lost 6lbs so far in the week and 1/2 I've been on it. I feel lean... if lean is a feeling to be had. I'm getting really good sleep, and I feel more tranquil.
Overall, I think its a good idea and I will continue on it.
I've also started reading a new book, "How Not to be Afraid of Your Own Life" by Susan Piver. I picked it up at the library as it has a meditation and Buddhist slant to it. One way she has helped me get back into my body so far is through a few simple tasks with the senses. The first being listening - just stop and listen to all the sounds you hear, wherever you are. Don't judge them, or figure out what they are, or people are saying, just hear them. Another is touch... I stood in the shower this morning, and instead of rushing to get the towel and drying, I stood there and let myself feel the droplets of water as they ran over my body. Amazing and tingly feeling. That is what it means by staying present in the moment, with full meditative focused attention. Meditation isn't about making your mind blank, its about becoming fully aware of the present moment and not moving into autopilot. Neat stuff!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
good results
I had my last therapy session last night for awhile. My therapist joined the army. Well, not really, more as a civilian where she will be giving mental health guidance to children who's parents are going into war. Its just a 4 week assignment in New Jersey, but my next appointment isn't until the end of September. She said that I have had excellent results and can see an improvement in me beyond imagination. She said I was inspirational, as I've seem to have gotten rid of the stress and am building a life for myself again. She also advised me to stop testing myself... I try to make myself have anxiety to see if it is still there - but she said it doesn't work like that. Anyone at any time can make themselves freak out. Good to know!
During the thunder storm last night I did yoga. I found a Bolly-wood workout on the Exercise Channel and did that first before turning on my favorite Yoga on the Edge workout. I felt so calm and stretched out after it.
I'm getting excited for this upcoming weekend. On Friday I'm going to a workshop in DC on the 5Rhythms. I first was exposed to it in Bethel when I was there for class, and one of my professors was trained in it. Its about the 5 Rhythms our bodies go through in a natural flow of life, and its a guided meditation. But it is all done through dance. Its free form movement, letting your body flow to the rhythms it feels and then some silent meditation at the end. I'm going with some classmates, and if it is anything like we did in Bethel, its going to be amazing!
Saturday I made an appointment to get a massage. I am finally going to use my gift certificate and have "Rain Drop Therapy" done. I can't wait! I'm going to be a puddle of drool once again. Sunday, my friend Sam is coming back into town. I'm looking forward to seeing him and meeting his friend who just moved here too. It should be a blast to catch up!
During the thunder storm last night I did yoga. I found a Bolly-wood workout on the Exercise Channel and did that first before turning on my favorite Yoga on the Edge workout. I felt so calm and stretched out after it.
I'm getting excited for this upcoming weekend. On Friday I'm going to a workshop in DC on the 5Rhythms. I first was exposed to it in Bethel when I was there for class, and one of my professors was trained in it. Its about the 5 Rhythms our bodies go through in a natural flow of life, and its a guided meditation. But it is all done through dance. Its free form movement, letting your body flow to the rhythms it feels and then some silent meditation at the end. I'm going with some classmates, and if it is anything like we did in Bethel, its going to be amazing!
Saturday I made an appointment to get a massage. I am finally going to use my gift certificate and have "Rain Drop Therapy" done. I can't wait! I'm going to be a puddle of drool once again. Sunday, my friend Sam is coming back into town. I'm looking forward to seeing him and meeting his friend who just moved here too. It should be a blast to catch up!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Book
I finished "The Book Thief" last night for my book club meeting tomorrow night. What an ending! I cried like a baby. It was such a touching story that practically ripped my heart out. But it was a realistic tale of Nazi Germany during Hitler's reign and the life of the young German people who lived it. Uh... can't think about it again, I'll start crying. Hopefully I'll be over it by the time we talk about it tomorrow, otherwise I'll bring lots of tissues.
I finished reading "The Yoga of Jesus" and have now moved on to a book about living fearlessly. I can't recall the title off the top of my head, but it is written by a woman who had a lot of anxiety and used meditation to find the natural loving core of her and stay there. I want that. Even more than running away, I want to feel that peace. I already feel it.
I read in one of my books that when you can quiet your mind and just feel the inner peace and love inside of you, you are feeling your own soul. If you can just mediate deeper, you can go beneath your own soul and feel God's love radiating inside of you, the Source. I have brief glimpses of it, but the peace of my own soul is comforting. This is what I have been without for the last few years, which I had lost. It feels incredible to have it back.
I also read that people experience anxiety and depression as a drastic measure for the soul sending you a message that you are not living the right path. Its a wake up call to find yourself again, as you've lost yourself somewhere. I feel like I'm finally back on the right path! THANK GOD!
I finished reading "The Yoga of Jesus" and have now moved on to a book about living fearlessly. I can't recall the title off the top of my head, but it is written by a woman who had a lot of anxiety and used meditation to find the natural loving core of her and stay there. I want that. Even more than running away, I want to feel that peace. I already feel it.
I read in one of my books that when you can quiet your mind and just feel the inner peace and love inside of you, you are feeling your own soul. If you can just mediate deeper, you can go beneath your own soul and feel God's love radiating inside of you, the Source. I have brief glimpses of it, but the peace of my own soul is comforting. This is what I have been without for the last few years, which I had lost. It feels incredible to have it back.
I also read that people experience anxiety and depression as a drastic measure for the soul sending you a message that you are not living the right path. Its a wake up call to find yourself again, as you've lost yourself somewhere. I feel like I'm finally back on the right path! THANK GOD!
Monday, August 17, 2009
what a wonderful weekend!
Sometimes I don't know why I worry. I had such a great weekend, and I was telling everyone to have more fun, so they have taken up my motto, "FUN! Love you, mean it!" The quotable Amy is back... although its not exactly like Tickle-me Elmo. Anyway!
Friday night started with a few of us going out to dinner for Sushi in DC, after driving around to find a parking spot. We decided to share a few of our flooziest moments during the conversation, which had a good laugh. Then like most things, we got talking about penis size.... too fun! April and I hit the bar at our hotel afterwards, which was very relaxing before heading to bed.
Saturday night found almost all of us heading out for Milasy's bridal shower that we were throwing her. We chipped in to get her a present, and then celebrated at a great pizza place in Takoma Park. I had never been in the small main street area there, and it was adorable. After that, a few headed back to our hotel for a slumber party - which was super fun. I got Stephanie to take her first shot, and on Sunday she mentioned that she wanted to do more than one next time. I think the next party we'll bring alcohol up to the room and drink there... no one thought about it a head of time!
Here are the pictures:
Friday night started with a few of us going out to dinner for Sushi in DC, after driving around to find a parking spot. We decided to share a few of our flooziest moments during the conversation, which had a good laugh. Then like most things, we got talking about penis size.... too fun! April and I hit the bar at our hotel afterwards, which was very relaxing before heading to bed.
Saturday night found almost all of us heading out for Milasy's bridal shower that we were throwing her. We chipped in to get her a present, and then celebrated at a great pizza place in Takoma Park. I had never been in the small main street area there, and it was adorable. After that, a few headed back to our hotel for a slumber party - which was super fun. I got Stephanie to take her first shot, and on Sunday she mentioned that she wanted to do more than one next time. I think the next party we'll bring alcohol up to the room and drink there... no one thought about it a head of time!
Here are the pictures:
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| Cohort58 Aug 09 |
Thursday, August 13, 2009
thinking about school
I just had a moment of anxiety and panic. I was thinking about last month this time, when I was getting ready for school, how I was an emotional wreck. I cried all the way down 95 to campus because I was going through what April and I call "a mental break-up." Basically its when you have your heart set on something, but you realize that it is not going to happen, so you have to get over it. In this case, it was feelings for a guy friend, that I was able to deal with and am now safely back in the friend zone.
Since May, so I guess the last 3 times I went to school I was an emotional basket case as I was going through my anxiety and mild depression phase. Really, my temper tantrum was about not getting my way and having to deal with it. But I have a new plan, and whenever I think about it, I smile. I'm running away... after I graduate I'm running away and I will find my bliss. And in the meantime, I'm going to have as much fun as possible.
However, my moment of anxiety I felt was one I think that came from association. I thought of driving to school tomorrow, and then I was struck with how intense I felt the last 3 times, and a "oh God, please don't let me do that again" feeling. But its not going to happen... I've found my bliss internally and I know that I need to have fun... and this weekend is going to be so much fun! April is staying with me again, and then we are going out Saturday night, and the rest of them are spending the night with me - it's going to be a blast! I love having girlfriends!!!
Since May, so I guess the last 3 times I went to school I was an emotional basket case as I was going through my anxiety and mild depression phase. Really, my temper tantrum was about not getting my way and having to deal with it. But I have a new plan, and whenever I think about it, I smile. I'm running away... after I graduate I'm running away and I will find my bliss. And in the meantime, I'm going to have as much fun as possible.
However, my moment of anxiety I felt was one I think that came from association. I thought of driving to school tomorrow, and then I was struck with how intense I felt the last 3 times, and a "oh God, please don't let me do that again" feeling. But its not going to happen... I've found my bliss internally and I know that I need to have fun... and this weekend is going to be so much fun! April is staying with me again, and then we are going out Saturday night, and the rest of them are spending the night with me - it's going to be a blast! I love having girlfriends!!!
Getting ready for school
I left my umbrella at my meeting yesterday... its probably long gone by now! Oh well, my mom said she'd pick me up a new one over the weekend while I'm away. That's sweet of her.
I ran out a few minutes ago and picked up some binder dividers for my mid-year portfolio for school. I've been working on that for the last few days, and am finally finishing up the last bit of my homework today. I'm fortunate enough to be able to work on this stuff here... as I am using one of my own clients for the strategic assessment.
I need my eyebrows waxed. Random, but I noticed them in the car when I was driving back to work... nothing too crazy, they just need to be cleaned up on the ends. I also want a pet turtle when I move out. I don't know where that came from, but as I was driving down Middle River Rd. back to my cube, it suddenly came to me. I think it would make a good apartment pet after I move out. I still don't know where I'm going yet, I have to get the traveling job first. But I was looking at apartments in Las Vegas - wouldn't that be fun?!?!?!
I ran out a few minutes ago and picked up some binder dividers for my mid-year portfolio for school. I've been working on that for the last few days, and am finally finishing up the last bit of my homework today. I'm fortunate enough to be able to work on this stuff here... as I am using one of my own clients for the strategic assessment.
I need my eyebrows waxed. Random, but I noticed them in the car when I was driving back to work... nothing too crazy, they just need to be cleaned up on the ends. I also want a pet turtle when I move out. I don't know where that came from, but as I was driving down Middle River Rd. back to my cube, it suddenly came to me. I think it would make a good apartment pet after I move out. I still don't know where I'm going yet, I have to get the traveling job first. But I was looking at apartments in Las Vegas - wouldn't that be fun?!?!?!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Lost weight
So this diet seems to be working, even though it is probably water weight I lost overnight. I dropped 4lbs from my weigh-in on Monday to my weigh-in on Tuesday at the gym. I feel great! I'm starting to get my energy back after its two day slow-down, and my skin looks soft and glowy! NICE!
I'm being bad and working on homework at work.... But whatever I need to do to get it finished! I'm really looking forward to this weekend; not the actual school part, the part about seeing my friends and going out after class. This class just does not excite me at all. There is a reason I am not an MBA student in a business school somewhere. I don't like it.
I'm leaving in an hour to head to White Oak for a meeting... oh fun. Its the same presenter that I attended a meeting with over a few months ago, but I have to make a unified showing for my department. More smiling and nodding politely! I can't wait until I get to run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm being bad and working on homework at work.... But whatever I need to do to get it finished! I'm really looking forward to this weekend; not the actual school part, the part about seeing my friends and going out after class. This class just does not excite me at all. There is a reason I am not an MBA student in a business school somewhere. I don't like it.
I'm leaving in an hour to head to White Oak for a meeting... oh fun. Its the same presenter that I attended a meeting with over a few months ago, but I have to make a unified showing for my department. More smiling and nodding politely! I can't wait until I get to run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Vivid dreams
I've been having vivid dreams over the last few nights, with none of them interconnected together. Actually it is almost as if it is not even my life I'm dreaming about. Not to be funny, but in on dream I was an African American teenage girl, living in an upper class family, and someone was breaking into our house. Another one I was in labor, and all of my family came to the hospital, and I knew them, but I didn't look like myself nor did they look like themselves. My husband wasn't there, he was away for work... it was just odd.
I don't normally remember my dreams, but they are always interested when I do. They usually stand out for me for weeks afterward, much like the above mentioned ones are. I wonder what they all mean?
The human Psyche really intrigues me. Thus why I'm reading about meditation and trying to find the path of enlightenment. It is amazing how the human brain works and that we are only really usually a small percentage of it. I wonder how to tap into the power of the rest.
What I'm really doing is procrastinating working on my homework. I just really don't want to do a strategic assessment of my client. The process of asking the questions isn't clearly defined for me, so I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. I need to reread that chapter in the book and try to make heads or tails of it. I wouldn't worry about it, but my professor wants us to do a 10min presentation on what we learned so far about the client, based on our assessment... otherwise the actual paper isn't due until September.
I don't normally remember my dreams, but they are always interested when I do. They usually stand out for me for weeks afterward, much like the above mentioned ones are. I wonder what they all mean?
The human Psyche really intrigues me. Thus why I'm reading about meditation and trying to find the path of enlightenment. It is amazing how the human brain works and that we are only really usually a small percentage of it. I wonder how to tap into the power of the rest.
What I'm really doing is procrastinating working on my homework. I just really don't want to do a strategic assessment of my client. The process of asking the questions isn't clearly defined for me, so I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. I need to reread that chapter in the book and try to make heads or tails of it. I wouldn't worry about it, but my professor wants us to do a 10min presentation on what we learned so far about the client, based on our assessment... otherwise the actual paper isn't due until September.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Nature lover?
So, I've decided that I enjoy nature, as long as it doesn't touch me. Which means I'm going to invent some sort of plastic bubble suit with an AC unit to enjoy nature. I think I would like it that much better that way.
I had fun with nature this weekend, and I had to contain my anxiety when nature started crawling on me in a canoe. I did well, and I'm a good paddler, and I didn't tip us over.
Saturday I met up with Ryan, Heather, and Josh and we went to find Ryan's swimming hole. It is a beautiful area, with Heather and I enjoying a nice rocky beach, avoiding the bees, and swatting at the gnats... but I had fun. There was an interesting mix of people there, not sure where they all came from, but I'm sure we fit right in. Now that I know what it is like, I probably won't be so scared next time and I will actually get in the water. We headed up the Gunpowder to Ryan's step-dad's property and I had my first canoe experience. I'm sure a video camera should have been rolling watching me get into the canoe. I asked Ryan to get in first to help me, then I white knuckled it, paralyzed for the first 10 mins until Dan (Ry's step-dad) reminded me that this was supposed to be relaxing. After Josh got the hang of giving me detailed directions of where to paddle (I wasn't about to turn around and look, and "paddle on this side" wasn't really helping me), I relaxed and began to enjoy myself. It was fun! There just has to be a better way to get in and out without having going through all the mud. Oh... and there was a spider crawling on my foot, which totally freaked me out in the canoe, but I handled myself well.
Sunday I met up with Stacey for lunch, and we spent most of the afternoon catching up. I miss hanging out with her and Kevin. We headed into downtown Westminster to catch one of her friend's band play, which was a lot of fun. I got a little tipsy with Kevin and Andrew, and I had a good time trying to hook Andrew up with all of the biker chicks. Yes, Stacey took me to a biker bar. I fit in so well! But it was a good time, although I am a little sunburned and I have mosquito bites on my upper thighs from wearing a skirt. It was so damn hot, too.
I started my diet this morning, had a bowl of mixed fruit, and will be munching on some more fruit shortly. I'm to eat fruit all morning, then switch to veggies for lunch and afterwards; with some lean protein with dinner. We'll see how it goes!
I had fun with nature this weekend, and I had to contain my anxiety when nature started crawling on me in a canoe. I did well, and I'm a good paddler, and I didn't tip us over.
Saturday I met up with Ryan, Heather, and Josh and we went to find Ryan's swimming hole. It is a beautiful area, with Heather and I enjoying a nice rocky beach, avoiding the bees, and swatting at the gnats... but I had fun. There was an interesting mix of people there, not sure where they all came from, but I'm sure we fit right in. Now that I know what it is like, I probably won't be so scared next time and I will actually get in the water. We headed up the Gunpowder to Ryan's step-dad's property and I had my first canoe experience. I'm sure a video camera should have been rolling watching me get into the canoe. I asked Ryan to get in first to help me, then I white knuckled it, paralyzed for the first 10 mins until Dan (Ry's step-dad) reminded me that this was supposed to be relaxing. After Josh got the hang of giving me detailed directions of where to paddle (I wasn't about to turn around and look, and "paddle on this side" wasn't really helping me), I relaxed and began to enjoy myself. It was fun! There just has to be a better way to get in and out without having going through all the mud. Oh... and there was a spider crawling on my foot, which totally freaked me out in the canoe, but I handled myself well.
Sunday I met up with Stacey for lunch, and we spent most of the afternoon catching up. I miss hanging out with her and Kevin. We headed into downtown Westminster to catch one of her friend's band play, which was a lot of fun. I got a little tipsy with Kevin and Andrew, and I had a good time trying to hook Andrew up with all of the biker chicks. Yes, Stacey took me to a biker bar. I fit in so well! But it was a good time, although I am a little sunburned and I have mosquito bites on my upper thighs from wearing a skirt. It was so damn hot, too.
I started my diet this morning, had a bowl of mixed fruit, and will be munching on some more fruit shortly. I'm to eat fruit all morning, then switch to veggies for lunch and afterwards; with some lean protein with dinner. We'll see how it goes!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Focusing
I'm having trouble focusing on doing my homework. I have to do some of the work for my paper now because I have to do a brief presentation on the information I gathered so far next Sunday in class. But I haven't done any of it.
I'm not interested in the subject matter of strategic planning at all, and the idea of doing homework when the weather has been amazing isn't fun. I also need to get my portfolio together for my mid-year review. I don't want to do that either! That involves me getting on my home computer and sending the files to work so I can print them out here.... since my printer doesn't work at home.
I keep thinking about what I want to do instead, and I just really want to focus on me. I want to sit outside in the cool breeze, enjoying the weather, and do yoga. That's all I want to do. Or go out with friends and have an excellent time... although a combination of both would be wonderful. I now understand what my friend Stephanie said about getting to the point of not caring anymore and just doing what you want. But in order to live the life I want, I have to do things I don't want in order to make money... i.e. work. I do want to work, but I would much rather do it on my terms. I can't wait until I graduate!
I'm not interested in the subject matter of strategic planning at all, and the idea of doing homework when the weather has been amazing isn't fun. I also need to get my portfolio together for my mid-year review. I don't want to do that either! That involves me getting on my home computer and sending the files to work so I can print them out here.... since my printer doesn't work at home.
I keep thinking about what I want to do instead, and I just really want to focus on me. I want to sit outside in the cool breeze, enjoying the weather, and do yoga. That's all I want to do. Or go out with friends and have an excellent time... although a combination of both would be wonderful. I now understand what my friend Stephanie said about getting to the point of not caring anymore and just doing what you want. But in order to live the life I want, I have to do things I don't want in order to make money... i.e. work. I do want to work, but I would much rather do it on my terms. I can't wait until I graduate!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Raw Foods and Buddah
No, the two aren't suggested as a path together, but as I read more about both I am drawn to them.
Buddhist philosophy with a purely Christian feel is what I am after. I went to the library yesterday and picked up a few books on meditation and one that I'm finding interesting is called the "Yoga of Jesus." The author explores the idea of what happened to Jesus during the time he wasn't written about in the Gospels, and based on ancient texts the theory is that he went to find the Magi in India. "Christ" is a title that is used to describe Jesus, as it means a true union with the Truth which is God. The author argues that Jesus was fully enlightened, and was a manifestation of God on earth, but we have the power to become like Christ by connecting with the inner vibrations of our Truth. Basically the idea is that in everything there is God, and connecting back to that is what is truly needed. God resides in all of us, and through connecting with that piece of ourselves is living in the Kingdom of God. The author also explains (in a larger work he wrote) line-by-line every piece of the Gospels and what Jesus truly meant by his teachings... of how to love everyone and find God within us.
The Raw Foods diet is a separate piece that I stumbled upon, but it makes so much sense to me. The idea is that our bodies, although evolved, really aren't meant to digest processed food. Its not sure what to do with the extra chemicals and toxins, so they end up getting stored in the cells, considering that I body can't keep up with the elimination of these things. We are tired because our body spends most of its energy digesting the food, and if we put food in our bodies that it is meant to have, we'll have more energy for our lives. Its also supposed to prevent disease and some cancers, increase the skin appearance and help with weight loss. The author of the diet explores the ideas that waste=weight. The extra weight we carry is because we have all of these toxins and chemicals stored as fat in the body.
I'm going to start the diet this coming week, and I'll be blogging about how it goes. A healthy change for me!
Buddhist philosophy with a purely Christian feel is what I am after. I went to the library yesterday and picked up a few books on meditation and one that I'm finding interesting is called the "Yoga of Jesus." The author explores the idea of what happened to Jesus during the time he wasn't written about in the Gospels, and based on ancient texts the theory is that he went to find the Magi in India. "Christ" is a title that is used to describe Jesus, as it means a true union with the Truth which is God. The author argues that Jesus was fully enlightened, and was a manifestation of God on earth, but we have the power to become like Christ by connecting with the inner vibrations of our Truth. Basically the idea is that in everything there is God, and connecting back to that is what is truly needed. God resides in all of us, and through connecting with that piece of ourselves is living in the Kingdom of God. The author also explains (in a larger work he wrote) line-by-line every piece of the Gospels and what Jesus truly meant by his teachings... of how to love everyone and find God within us.
The Raw Foods diet is a separate piece that I stumbled upon, but it makes so much sense to me. The idea is that our bodies, although evolved, really aren't meant to digest processed food. Its not sure what to do with the extra chemicals and toxins, so they end up getting stored in the cells, considering that I body can't keep up with the elimination of these things. We are tired because our body spends most of its energy digesting the food, and if we put food in our bodies that it is meant to have, we'll have more energy for our lives. Its also supposed to prevent disease and some cancers, increase the skin appearance and help with weight loss. The author of the diet explores the ideas that waste=weight. The extra weight we carry is because we have all of these toxins and chemicals stored as fat in the body.
I'm going to start the diet this coming week, and I'll be blogging about how it goes. A healthy change for me!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Speed Dating Revealed
I met April a little before 5:30pm at her office building where we did a last minute fresh-up before heading out to the lounge for the event. It took us about 30mins to get through rush hour traffic into DC, and I missed our turn-off. That is one thing I hate about DC. Most of the streets are one-way, and if you miss your turn, sometimes you have to go up a few blocks before you can turn around, or get through 3 lanes of traffic to make a turn in the opposite direction. I think I went down a street for 1/2 a block the wrong way, but I was following the other out of town car in front of me.
Anyway, we arrived at the lounge and it was a very neat setting. Lots of couches and big chairs, and they were also a hookah bar. There were a few people making use of the hookahs as they were enjoying happy hour. April and I ordered something light to nibble on, as we both didn't have dinner.
At 7pm we made our way back to the side room, where we found a whole bunch of women and hardly any men. I think there were 3 men total for awhile... then a few others showed up at 7pm. Maybe 9-10 men total for the event... but the women outnumbered, as a few rounds of the Speed Dating left a few women without dates.
So... on to my dates...
1. Henry. Henry was a really tall Asian man, either in his late 20s or early 30s. He's traveled pretty much every where in the world, and gets to travel for work. I believe he is an IT consultant of some sort, but mentioned that he uses OD (my field) consultants on some of the projects. I think he really misses his brother, as he kept talking about him living in Japan teaching English. He's also lived in a few different countries.
2. Alfredo. Alfredo was in his late 20s (my guess) and has lived in the Adams Morgan area of DC all of his life. He's very well spoken as he works for the local DC paper covering entertainment news as a reporter. He actually approached April and I while we were waiting for the dating event to start... he liked April. His first date was with her, and then he knew she and I were friends so I could tell that he was trying to get me to put in a good word for him to her. Somehow we got on the conversation of cat-fights and jello wrestling... I think because of the amount of women that were in the room.
3. Praveen. Praveen was in his middle 30s (my guess) and I think he was of Indian decent, but it was hard to tell. He's a photographer and traveling for vacation is his life blood. He was a great conversationalist, and likes the European idea of taking 2-3 months of vacation, having a very balanced life. He loves traveling out west, especially hiking and camping in the desert. He asked me about recent trips, and we found out that we both love Austin, TX. He goes a couple times a year, and told me that I need to check out their local music festivals... so we at least had something in common to talk about. He also lived in Iraq for a year, and has lived in various countries.
4. Sam. Sam was in his early 20s, and moved to DC from NC back in March. He works for the census department. He's still getting used to city life and thinks that sometimes there is too much activity and action. He loves the beach, but really didn't have much to say.
5. Brian. Brain came with Sam and is ultimately into sports. He's played soccer all of his life, and LOVES football. But he also has a love for the food channel. We got lost in conversation for a few minutes about our favorite chefs and different restaurants we like.
6. Shandy. Shandy was born in India and moved to the US a few years ago. He's traveled around the world numerous times and his favorite place was Peru. I mentioned to him that my dream is Fiji, and he recommended a travel book for me to read that he thought I might like. Its about a man who left his busy life in LA and moved to Fiji to interact with the locals and have a relaxing life. Sounds good!
7. Sandye. Sandye was in his middle to late 30s and I think he was of mixed heritage. He was the ultimate high-class business man, wearing the suit and tie. He started the conversation by saying that my friend (he met April 1st) told him all about me, all my secrets, and about the youtube video that he saw about me. He said that he only had one question - did I really do it? Me, not ever backing down from a verbal challenge, made up some story about how I did do it because I was going with the flow and feeling the moment. And... at least I have a video of it for posterity. He got a kick out of that. He then asked if time wasn't an issue, and he could send me anywhere in the world, what were the top 3 places I would go. I told him Fiji, Italy, and Scotland. He then told me that he has 7 trips planned between now and the middle of next year, with Rio being on his top destination list. We got into a huge discussion about work-life balance and how he used to work 12-14 hour days, but is now taking time to relax and enjoy life.
8. Val. Val was of Indian heritage and in his late 30s. He is an IT consultant, and has traveled around the world 4 times, but his favorite place was Switzerland. He told me the best thing to do is to take a globe, spin it, and wherever your finger lands is the place to go. He lived in Australia for awhile and was offered a job in Fiji, but because he wanted to go to grad school he didn't take it.
9. David. David was in his late 30s, ex military, and now lives in DC. He told me that he prefers to meet people in person, and wanted to know why young people don't do that anymore. He said that men are visual and need the human connection, because living life electronically isn't for him.
So... I didn't make a connection with any of them, but it was really cool hearing life stories. If I was to talk to any of them again it would be Praveen and Sandye. Praveen because he was really cool, laid back, and has traveled to some really neat places. Sandye because I know his type and I have pleasure in verbally knocking him off his feet with my wit... he likes to think highly of himself, and I like knocking those types down a peg or two.
I also met the owner of the company - he's an ex-lawyer who started the business about 10 years ago. He said the speed dating events toward the end of the week are really packed - they usually get about 100 people. April and I decided to give that a try one time!
Anyway, we arrived at the lounge and it was a very neat setting. Lots of couches and big chairs, and they were also a hookah bar. There were a few people making use of the hookahs as they were enjoying happy hour. April and I ordered something light to nibble on, as we both didn't have dinner.
At 7pm we made our way back to the side room, where we found a whole bunch of women and hardly any men. I think there were 3 men total for awhile... then a few others showed up at 7pm. Maybe 9-10 men total for the event... but the women outnumbered, as a few rounds of the Speed Dating left a few women without dates.
So... on to my dates...
1. Henry. Henry was a really tall Asian man, either in his late 20s or early 30s. He's traveled pretty much every where in the world, and gets to travel for work. I believe he is an IT consultant of some sort, but mentioned that he uses OD (my field) consultants on some of the projects. I think he really misses his brother, as he kept talking about him living in Japan teaching English. He's also lived in a few different countries.
2. Alfredo. Alfredo was in his late 20s (my guess) and has lived in the Adams Morgan area of DC all of his life. He's very well spoken as he works for the local DC paper covering entertainment news as a reporter. He actually approached April and I while we were waiting for the dating event to start... he liked April. His first date was with her, and then he knew she and I were friends so I could tell that he was trying to get me to put in a good word for him to her. Somehow we got on the conversation of cat-fights and jello wrestling... I think because of the amount of women that were in the room.
3. Praveen. Praveen was in his middle 30s (my guess) and I think he was of Indian decent, but it was hard to tell. He's a photographer and traveling for vacation is his life blood. He was a great conversationalist, and likes the European idea of taking 2-3 months of vacation, having a very balanced life. He loves traveling out west, especially hiking and camping in the desert. He asked me about recent trips, and we found out that we both love Austin, TX. He goes a couple times a year, and told me that I need to check out their local music festivals... so we at least had something in common to talk about. He also lived in Iraq for a year, and has lived in various countries.
4. Sam. Sam was in his early 20s, and moved to DC from NC back in March. He works for the census department. He's still getting used to city life and thinks that sometimes there is too much activity and action. He loves the beach, but really didn't have much to say.
5. Brian. Brain came with Sam and is ultimately into sports. He's played soccer all of his life, and LOVES football. But he also has a love for the food channel. We got lost in conversation for a few minutes about our favorite chefs and different restaurants we like.
6. Shandy. Shandy was born in India and moved to the US a few years ago. He's traveled around the world numerous times and his favorite place was Peru. I mentioned to him that my dream is Fiji, and he recommended a travel book for me to read that he thought I might like. Its about a man who left his busy life in LA and moved to Fiji to interact with the locals and have a relaxing life. Sounds good!
7. Sandye. Sandye was in his middle to late 30s and I think he was of mixed heritage. He was the ultimate high-class business man, wearing the suit and tie. He started the conversation by saying that my friend (he met April 1st) told him all about me, all my secrets, and about the youtube video that he saw about me. He said that he only had one question - did I really do it? Me, not ever backing down from a verbal challenge, made up some story about how I did do it because I was going with the flow and feeling the moment. And... at least I have a video of it for posterity. He got a kick out of that. He then asked if time wasn't an issue, and he could send me anywhere in the world, what were the top 3 places I would go. I told him Fiji, Italy, and Scotland. He then told me that he has 7 trips planned between now and the middle of next year, with Rio being on his top destination list. We got into a huge discussion about work-life balance and how he used to work 12-14 hour days, but is now taking time to relax and enjoy life.
8. Val. Val was of Indian heritage and in his late 30s. He is an IT consultant, and has traveled around the world 4 times, but his favorite place was Switzerland. He told me the best thing to do is to take a globe, spin it, and wherever your finger lands is the place to go. He lived in Australia for awhile and was offered a job in Fiji, but because he wanted to go to grad school he didn't take it.
9. David. David was in his late 30s, ex military, and now lives in DC. He told me that he prefers to meet people in person, and wanted to know why young people don't do that anymore. He said that men are visual and need the human connection, because living life electronically isn't for him.
So... I didn't make a connection with any of them, but it was really cool hearing life stories. If I was to talk to any of them again it would be Praveen and Sandye. Praveen because he was really cool, laid back, and has traveled to some really neat places. Sandye because I know his type and I have pleasure in verbally knocking him off his feet with my wit... he likes to think highly of himself, and I like knocking those types down a peg or two.
I also met the owner of the company - he's an ex-lawyer who started the business about 10 years ago. He said the speed dating events toward the end of the week are really packed - they usually get about 100 people. April and I decided to give that a try one time!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Secret too
I'm full of nervous energy as I get ready to go to speed dating tonight... the usual concerns of "what will I say?" "will they like me?" "oh lord, what if no one picks me?" are passing through my head. But then I've been thinking that it doesn't really matter, I'm just there to have fun.
My hair looks like crap. No, I'm not being harsh, I just need to get into a routine of how to best fix it for the new cut I have. I've been going for the wavy look, but with the humidity it falls by mid-afternoon and looks limp. Maybe I should just start wearing it curled under like I normally do.
I also know now that "The Secret" really works. I tried the feather experiment, which I started thinking about a few weeks ago. I wanted a feather to appear to know that it works... when I came out this morning there was a feather on the hood of my car. Yeah it didn't happen right away, but it happened. On the way over the office today I was using it to hope for a parking space in front of the door... there was one waiting for me when I got here!
Now I'm going to test it out for tonight... I don't know what I'm going to wish for yet, but it'll work itself out! hehe
My hair looks like crap. No, I'm not being harsh, I just need to get into a routine of how to best fix it for the new cut I have. I've been going for the wavy look, but with the humidity it falls by mid-afternoon and looks limp. Maybe I should just start wearing it curled under like I normally do.
I also know now that "The Secret" really works. I tried the feather experiment, which I started thinking about a few weeks ago. I wanted a feather to appear to know that it works... when I came out this morning there was a feather on the hood of my car. Yeah it didn't happen right away, but it happened. On the way over the office today I was using it to hope for a parking space in front of the door... there was one waiting for me when I got here!
Now I'm going to test it out for tonight... I don't know what I'm going to wish for yet, but it'll work itself out! hehe
Monday, August 3, 2009
Enlightenment
I've been drawn to a lot of Buddhist thought recently, especially on the teachings of enlightenment. I think it stems from the need to feel completely connected within my body, and that connection radiates out to the entire world. I'm not turning away from my Catholic faith, but I seek to enhance it to fully experience myself in my body.
That sounds weird, but I get so trapped in my head that I often am unaware of what is happening around me, or what is going on within my body. The way I'm sitting, the breathing that I am doing and how shallow it is, the rapid ringing of my hands when I'm thinking or nervous, my posture when I'm standing... all of those things escape my attention. I seem to only notice things that are in front of my face and that I draw attention to. Even on the physical level, I can walk into the house and not notice the curtains changed unless I have to interact with them. It seems contrary, as I am very observant in things that I am interested in... which I think comes more of an intuitiveness that something is different, opposed to an actual visual understanding of what changed.
I read The Power of Now and am in the process of reading Touching Enlightenment which has had a profound effect on me. No, I wouldn't call it a self-help book, either of them. They are both about experiencing the present within the body and not searching for it among the past or the future. Touching Enlightenment has really been insightful, as it has helped me work through the natural emotions that I am feeling and highlights the stages of change. The fall into what feels like insanity as your body forces you to face the reality that you are not on the right path and need to readjust the way of life you are living is described in detail. I felt that way when I had my emotional reaction to stress and the meditation. That I was losing my mind and it was terrifying.
It is remarkable to me that humans experience this, yet rarely speak of it. It is so private inside, yet speaking about it gets it out. I find that writing about it helps me to process it so its not in my head. Its my extroverted way of thinking.
I've been reading more about the idea of Somatic Meditation, which Touching Enlightenment highlights. Its the idea of meditating with the entire body, and using sensation and feelings to release the build up of emotion that is capture inside. Its truly about escaping into the body, the darkness that is inside, and fully understanding Jung's shadow that may reside in us. I've studied Jung in school, but this book adds an insight to the shadow that is expanded from his theory. The idea that every person we meet, every experience that we have is brought to us on purpose. Its the karma trapped inside of us from unlived experiences that need to be lived... or from past experiences that have never been resolved. I also like the thought that we so strongly focus on the mental image or concept of something that we never see it in its entirety. We limit ourselves by not fully experiencing and rationalizing the experience. It is not until we let go of how we want things to be, that they can start to be as they should. That's pretty simple, yet powerful stuff.
That sounds weird, but I get so trapped in my head that I often am unaware of what is happening around me, or what is going on within my body. The way I'm sitting, the breathing that I am doing and how shallow it is, the rapid ringing of my hands when I'm thinking or nervous, my posture when I'm standing... all of those things escape my attention. I seem to only notice things that are in front of my face and that I draw attention to. Even on the physical level, I can walk into the house and not notice the curtains changed unless I have to interact with them. It seems contrary, as I am very observant in things that I am interested in... which I think comes more of an intuitiveness that something is different, opposed to an actual visual understanding of what changed.
I read The Power of Now and am in the process of reading Touching Enlightenment which has had a profound effect on me. No, I wouldn't call it a self-help book, either of them. They are both about experiencing the present within the body and not searching for it among the past or the future. Touching Enlightenment has really been insightful, as it has helped me work through the natural emotions that I am feeling and highlights the stages of change. The fall into what feels like insanity as your body forces you to face the reality that you are not on the right path and need to readjust the way of life you are living is described in detail. I felt that way when I had my emotional reaction to stress and the meditation. That I was losing my mind and it was terrifying.
It is remarkable to me that humans experience this, yet rarely speak of it. It is so private inside, yet speaking about it gets it out. I find that writing about it helps me to process it so its not in my head. Its my extroverted way of thinking.
I've been reading more about the idea of Somatic Meditation, which Touching Enlightenment highlights. Its the idea of meditating with the entire body, and using sensation and feelings to release the build up of emotion that is capture inside. Its truly about escaping into the body, the darkness that is inside, and fully understanding Jung's shadow that may reside in us. I've studied Jung in school, but this book adds an insight to the shadow that is expanded from his theory. The idea that every person we meet, every experience that we have is brought to us on purpose. Its the karma trapped inside of us from unlived experiences that need to be lived... or from past experiences that have never been resolved. I also like the thought that we so strongly focus on the mental image or concept of something that we never see it in its entirety. We limit ourselves by not fully experiencing and rationalizing the experience. It is not until we let go of how we want things to be, that they can start to be as they should. That's pretty simple, yet powerful stuff.
Family time
On Saturday, about 10 0f us from Baltimore traveled to New Jersey for a family reunion with the New Jersey family. It was great fun! The family in New Jersey is my grandmother's brother's family. He left Baltimore when he married a woman from Philly, and they lived in South Philly, raising both of their children there. My great-aunt Josie still lives in the same house after 55 years, with her children moving to New Jersey.
We went to my cousin Rosemarie's for the reunion, which is in an adorable 'burb of New Jersey off of Black Horse Pike. Her grandchildren are adorable, and I found a kinship with my little cousin Joey (age 7) who loves the show "So you think you can dance?" We had some great conversations on who we think is going to win! hehe
It was great to see everyone again, and my cousin Denise is especially inspirational. She and I have a lot in common, both physically and mentally. She just graduated with her PhD in advanced math and works in the school system as an instructional coach. She's battled her weight for years, and has been single for just as long. She adopted Julie from China about 5 years ago when she was 35, which is where I originally got the idea that I can do that too if I felt the time was right. She and I talked about traveling, as she loves vacation just as much as I do, so we are going to start planning some trips!
My cousin-in-law Tina is a sweetheart, as a stay at home mom with 3 kids. She was telling me about her life, and how she wanted to travel for work and take some jobs out west... but she got married instead. She wouldn't give up her life, but I can tell there is a wistfulness that is still within her. Her husband, my cousin Mike, was a really good musician, but he gave that up to support his family. He still sings at family events, and he has a beautiful voice. This is why it is so important for me to do everything I want to do... I don't want regrets!
On Sunday I traveled to NOVA to have a great lunch with my friend and classmate Stephanie! We had a super time at a new Indian restaurant before indulging in our favorite pastime - shopping for yarn! Yes, I bought more yarn. I know I have so much at the house, but I couldn't resist. It was so good to connect with her, and her adorable cat is so sweet.
Overall it was an awesome weekend! Here are the pictures from the family event:
We went to my cousin Rosemarie's for the reunion, which is in an adorable 'burb of New Jersey off of Black Horse Pike. Her grandchildren are adorable, and I found a kinship with my little cousin Joey (age 7) who loves the show "So you think you can dance?" We had some great conversations on who we think is going to win! hehe
It was great to see everyone again, and my cousin Denise is especially inspirational. She and I have a lot in common, both physically and mentally. She just graduated with her PhD in advanced math and works in the school system as an instructional coach. She's battled her weight for years, and has been single for just as long. She adopted Julie from China about 5 years ago when she was 35, which is where I originally got the idea that I can do that too if I felt the time was right. She and I talked about traveling, as she loves vacation just as much as I do, so we are going to start planning some trips!
My cousin-in-law Tina is a sweetheart, as a stay at home mom with 3 kids. She was telling me about her life, and how she wanted to travel for work and take some jobs out west... but she got married instead. She wouldn't give up her life, but I can tell there is a wistfulness that is still within her. Her husband, my cousin Mike, was a really good musician, but he gave that up to support his family. He still sings at family events, and he has a beautiful voice. This is why it is so important for me to do everything I want to do... I don't want regrets!
On Sunday I traveled to NOVA to have a great lunch with my friend and classmate Stephanie! We had a super time at a new Indian restaurant before indulging in our favorite pastime - shopping for yarn! Yes, I bought more yarn. I know I have so much at the house, but I couldn't resist. It was so good to connect with her, and her adorable cat is so sweet.
Overall it was an awesome weekend! Here are the pictures from the family event:
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| Family Reunion Aug 2009 |
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