Interesting middle...

I'm antsy today. I have all of the teachings in my head about taking myself lightly and not so seriously, and I'm trying to live that. I'm bored. I think that's the major issue, and my alternative to boredom is working on my paper and I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because its not fun. So I've taken to day dreaming about after graduation, and I'm becoming inpatient because it is not happening soon enough.

I still have a vision of myself sitting on a rock, on some beautiful sea coast somewhere, wearing white, a canopy blocking the sun, and just meditating and feeling God inside of my soul. The feeling of happiness and contentment that I am imagining brings a tear to my eye. I'm moved by that image, for it is one of purity, and one of calmness, and one of someone who has stopped caring about what she doesn't have, and is completely focused on what she does have. Love, compassion, peace, and serenity. I want to be removed from the trappings of normalcy. The idea of finding the perfect mate, living in a certain house, driving a certain car, and vacationing at a certain beach. I want to stop feeling the pressure to live these things, because God doesn't need perfection, He just wants to see progress. I need to figure out how to ignore the stares of pity when someone finds out that I'm 30 and single, and wonders if I'll ever have a husband. I need to stop feeling guilty, wondering if I'll ever give my mother grandchildren.

I've been thinking about something Hansa (a classmate) said to me when we were at lunch at class a few weekends ago. Nidhi and I were talking about the fact that we are single (she's 35) and are looking for our mate. We were saying what we wanted in a partner, and Hansa said, "What do you have to offer a partner? Why should someone want to be with you?" She wasn't being mean, but I think she was trying to get us to focus on us and building the life we want on our own. I agree with that totally. But I've been pondering... what do I have to offer a mate? And does someone actually want what I have to offer?

Then I think that I don't really care. And that's the honest truth, because I want to focus on me so much. Just doing what I like, figuring out who I am, experiencing life, and just living. But there is a piece of me who wants that deep agape love with another human. I want my partner.

I've also been thinking about how does someone really know when they find someone for them. The logic of the situation is getting in my way of emotions. I've been told that you will just know... but I also know, from studying human nature, that people create their own realities and only see data that supports their opinion. This is why parents think their children are perfect, even though their teachers will disagree, why some women stay with cheating men - they don't see it, and why some people live in oblivion. I've been reading about being 100% present, and that includes seeing someone in their completeness, not just a fantasy of who you think they are. But how do I do that? That's something I've been working on. How do I not become swayed toward one view, because that is what I want so badly to be true? Its almost as if I shouldn't create a view in the first place, and allow a wall to be around me. Not expect them to be a certain way, or feel a certain way toward me, so I can fully see all the data they are offering me, and not data that I'm selecting to support my theory. But the wants and desires of human nature get in the way... I need to practice this.