Simmering down....

Working out after work today really helped. I got some of my anger out, and now I'm just disappointed. But, I only have myself to blame. I should have ended the flirtation a long time ago, but my libido always seems to get the best of me.

I just don't get the behavior of men sometimes... maybe I am too genuine for my own good. I'm too nice, and my cohort members are helping me with that. My coworkers are starting to help me with it as well, and so is my friend Ryan. I just always see the good in people, and give them genuine affection, not thinking that they would ever be mean to me intentionally. But the truth is, I ended up hurt by many men that I have dated for this same reason.

I'm facing it... she's using him, by her own admission to me, he's using her, because who wouldn't want the female attention, and that is how they roll. I can't do that. I can't use people for sex, or for anything else - my conscious is too strong. It would break my heart to do that to anyone. She's one of those women that attract men who like to save women - for her own good. Its a shame her self-confidence is so low, but a dose of reality should help her grow up and become a mature woman.

I'm affectionate because I feel emotion and want to share the love. That's just who I am at the core, and its not fair to use that against me because someone is lacking in self-confidence and needs the ego boost. I'll see a person I care about, and just want to hug them close to me. I want to cuddle close and just let them know I'm there and share the warmth. But to tease me in a sexy way, just because I respond so easily, isn't fair. Especially when the guy isn't into me. Its almost as if its just for entertainment... "let's see what we can make her do now."

I wanted to go into Sam's arrival with my eyes wide open, because in the past I've felt so moved by his friendship I wasn't seeing him as a complete person. And its interesting what my eyes saw in less then a week. But I guess my Buddhist practice is helping me in that, to stay present and see the complete person. Not what I want to see with my rose-tinted glasses.