Time lines...

It seems to me that I've always lived my life based on a time line. But for the most part, the time line was inflicted on me by other people. I was to finish school by a certain age, career goals by a certain age, married and children by a certain age, and then grandchildren down the road. I feel this pressure in the question of, "How old are you this year? Wow - I was married for 8 years and had 2 kids by then when I was that age!" ... and similar comments that I'm sure most women hear from well intentioned people.

Then as I got older, I learned about mortality, and that youth doesn't last forever. So I started to subconsciously factor in the the reasoning that I have a limited time, and I have a lot to see and do, so why not get it all done early, so I can do more? For some reason I allowed others to press me into living their version of my life on their schedule.

I've been thinking about my life before my ex, and who I was right before we met. I met him in July of 2006, which would make me newly 27 that April. People always told me that you'd find the love of your life when you weren't looking, and for once, "people" were right. I had been single for a very long time, and I stopped putting pressure on myself to fit into the time line. I've dated a lot of men at that point, and I can share horror stories with the best of them, and I stopped looking. I came up with a plan: I was going to pay off all of my bills left over from college, save a down payment, and buy a house. I had even started looking at neighborhood's and picked a few houses that I was secretly targeting. I had accepted that I may not find "Mr. Right" and that it was okay if that didn't happen. If I didn't have children by the time I was 35, I was going to do what my single cousin did, and adopt. I was going to have a full and happy life filled with friends and family, and do everything I wanted.

After I met my ex, I let the "people" back in, which made me think of the time line. I had family who were severely disappointed that I didn't get an engagement ring our first Christmas together, nor the second. They made me feel that something was "wrong" with me, because my ex and I weren't on the fast track like everyone else to wedded bliss. But see, I made the conscious choice a very long time ago to never live the life they led. The same people who were rushing me are all divorced. Isn't that ironic? Yet, they don't seem to get the irony.

I remember how I gave up looking for a house, even though I continued to pay down my bills. My ex was looking for a house too, as he was tired of renting, and for some reason being swept-up in the time line, I thought I'd live there with him eventually. Actually, a year ago this weekend, my mom and I moved him into his house. I actually had secret plans to celebrate with him this weekend, bringing over champagne and cooking dinner - but obviously I'm sitting here, writing this instead. I'm not bitter, but I have to remember that things change, and my time line needs to be flexible.

So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet, and I've already started planning my next steps on my own time line. After graduating from my masters, I'm going to buy a house - whether or not I'm in a relationship. And, by the time I'm 35, if I don't have children, I'm going to adopt. There are so many kids out there that need love, and I know that I would provide a good home for them.

And I learned all of this by seeing my soon to be 4 year old cousin, Ben, tonight. We had a strong scare that Ben would never speak. He had his hearing tested many times, but never would even try to make sounds or noises. His parents put him in a program, and he very quickly learned sign language, and would carry conversations in sign with his family. Today, I never saw a more talkative little boy. He knows all of his letters and numbers, has an infectious grin, and likes to ride his tricycle down hills with his feet up in the air! He plays video games - mainly elmo, and an old golf game his dad had. Apparently when you hit the ball in the water, the announcer says, "in the drink!" Ben was at the park the other day, and there was a huge puddle another little boy fell into. Ben looked up at his dad, and matter of factly said, "in the drink!" That moment will always be precious and treasured.

I think about how the entire family tried to put Ben into a time time. "He's 2, he should be speaking!" "He's 3 - and not a word yet? Wow, something must be wrong with him!" But, Ben was on his own time line. Now, he's a healthy, happy, adjusted boy. I'm proud of him for doing this at his own pace.

What does this mean for me? Well, I will try my hardest to never feel guilty again for not fitting into someone else's time line. I will set my own time line, and when I meet Mr. Right, we'll set our own agenda together!