It's buck!

I'm not really sure what the word "buck" means, but one of the choreographers on "So You Think You Can Dance?" was dropping it left and right last night on TV. And no, he wasn't using the 'F' word, it was "buck". I think it's supposed to mean cool and awesome, but if I recall my high school days, the girls and I would pick a word and use it to mean everything that the sentence behind it intended. So right now, I feel BUCK!

I was fed to the lions this morning. But I did manage to escape with just a few fingernails missing. I have a bad habit of when something gets escalated of biting my nails. I guess that's how I deal with stress, and I don't even recognize I do it until it breaks off. And I was doing so well too, my nails were freshly painted and long.

With this client I really feel like my hands are tied. It's one cycle of endless spiraling out of control, and the one person who can do something about it, won't. He likes to make excuses for them, but I think with my involvement, and the pointed questions I'm asking, he's starting to realize that it's really bad. Before the practices never asked for outside help, and I think when I walked into the room this morning, and Barb introduced me in the beginning of the meeting, he was really shocked. I could tell he didn't know what to do.

If you ever get to observe the "back lot" of doctor's offices, the dynamics are pure high school. Managers are more like baby-sitters than anything. With one behavior they set off a chain reaction that rapid-fires around the office and comes right back to bite them in the ass.

I've felt kinda blah the last few days. I think it had to do with me looking at old pictures; as this time last year I was in Hawaii with my ex. Which led me to remember some of the fun we had, and the mai-tai's I had at the Military Hotel/Bar on the beach. Which led to one crazy night, with me ending up doing some pretty wild things on the open balcony facing the rest of the hotel and all of Waikiki Beach. Never let it be said that I don't have any sexual adventures...

For someone who was single for pretty much her entire adult life, except for my almost 2 years with my ex, I really don't like it anymore. I remember a line from a movie, where one of the characters wrote an article that claimed that women lead the relationship/sexual life of their own making. I know I got that wrong, but that was the general idea behind it. And he was right. Never be a victim, it's all an attitude choice, if you want it, go out and get it. But sometimes, it just seems that fate is working against you.

But... I use those hard times as a learning experience for how to improve myself and grow. Life will happen as it should... patience is a virtue. I say that so easily to everyone else, I just need to remind myself of it a lot too. I am not perfect.

I'm also, today, letting go. I've held on to an idea for over 5 years that if circumstances presented themselves everything would fall into place, and it would be everything I ever dreamed. But sadly, I realized that it would never work, and it's not meant to be.

As I told the 80 people I was with this morning, change is easy. It's the journey to that change which is the hard part. And it's not in my best interest to build a condo in the chaos, because that doesn't heal or help any sort of change from happening. Be your own magic wand, because only you can make it happen.