ramblings and thoughts

I've always been in conflict when it comes to giving up control. The conflict stems from what I consider to be two contrasting beliefs I hold dear:

1. Everything will turn out the way it's supposed to, as it all happens for a reason.
2. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

The part I struggle with is when people tell me to just live my life and everything will happen when it needs to. Which conflicts with my thought that I need to help myself, help the Lord. The common example I use is the idea of a student about to take a test. If you use the first philosophy, then whatever grade given is what the grade was supposed to be, and the student has no control over the outcome. However, using philosophy two, the student should study as hard as they can, and try.

I really struggled with this a lot when I was involved in a long distance relationship of sorts with Brian in New Orleans (this ended a year or so before I met my current ex). He would tell me that if we were meant to be together, then after he graduated our paths will connect, and we'll be in the same city. We just need to go on living the life we have, and if circumstances present itself, then it will happen. I guess he believed in Serendipity. I on the other hand disagreed. I thought that if we wanted to be together, then after he graduated he should look for jobs in Baltimore (he wanted to leave New Orleans) and start looking for apartments. I even sent him job listings and suggested areas of town to live in with pricing options. We would need to set a plan in motion to achieve that goal. I know I accidentally pushed him away by trying to make the goal happen.

But hurricane Katrina happened, and circumstances moved him to Indiana where he met someone. I was hurt, as I felt betrayed and I distanced myself from him so not to feel the hurt. He and I were truly friends for years first, before we even decided to try for or even entertain that thought of a relationship. The loss of that friendship was huge, yet we are slowly starting to talk more and build that back.

I like to think the two philosophies are not mutually exclusive, and that they are used together. I should try hard to help myself achieve more, but after that what is supposed to happen, will happen. It's not a free pass to give up.

Last night I went to see the play Facing East that my friend David was in at a local church basement. The play deals with the aftermath of a young man committing suicide because his homosexual lifestyle did not agree with the way he was raised in the Mormon church. The play begins with his parents at his grave site, blaming themselves and rehashing scenes from the past. His partner, Marcus (played by David), shows up at the graveside and runs into the parents. They had never met, and they asked him to tell them about their son. They were giving their son the "funeral" they should have given him, not the one they presented to the public to avoid ridicule in the church.

It's amazing to me, and I go back to my interview from my graduate program, that there is still a conflict of feelings within the church. I guess I come from the school of thought that I am not God, and there is only one judge, and that's Him. My job on Earth is to love everyone, and share that love with everyone, not make decisions about people based on their lifestyle. How your life is led doesn't involve me, it's between you and God, and His thoughts on it - I don't matter to it. All I can do is live a life of love, love you, and encourage you to share your love with others.

The mother in the play was insistent that her son would have died anyway, and that they didn't play a role in leading to his grief to cause his death. She also implied that it was better for him to be dead and in Heaven, then living on Earth sinning. It's amazing how things get twisted by mankind. People follow a belief with their whole heart, yet leave a path of destruction behind them. Is that path really going to get you to Heaven?

I don't know... I guess my ramblings bring me to a point I knew all along. You have to love and forgive, and that's pretty much all that you need to get you through. Don't give up trying, but know in the end, that you will live the life you are supposed to lead.