I should have been at the U2 concert last night. I'm not a huge fan, but I saw some of my coworker's pictures and videos, and it looked like a great show! I had a few opportunities to go, but they didn't pan out. That's okay, next time!
I had my appointment with my therapist last night after not seeing her for over a month. She told me about her assignment with the military and it sounds really cool. She's getting back into the swing of things. Based on things that are going on with me, and me loving life, she recommended that I just come monthly for a tune-up. I've been doing so well, and feeling incredible. Sounds like a great plan to me!
I've been reading more chapters from the book written by the Dahlia Lama, and I'm about to start the section on self-discovery. So far I've learned that things are never what they seem, as they are not made whole. Everything has parts, and parts have parts, which mean imperfections are everywhere. Anytime something seems perfect, remember that it is not. He also talks a lot about lust and anger, and how they stand in the way of finding stillness.
After my alarm went off this morning, I was laying in bed for a few minutes thinking about the pieces of me. What is in my shadow that I have yet to discover, and what is known to the world? I seem to have a few different parts, or roles, that are activated by the various people in my life. Some that I have given name to are: "The Innocent," "The Brain," "Miss Manners," "Holder of the World," and the "Sexy Woman." They each show up, but I haven't integrated them fully. Some naturally flow together, but not all. Now the chore is to determine what triggers the release of these roles by certain people, and how I can hold all of them at once.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Damn! I look good!
Everything seems to be coming together for me as I keep spiraling up from change that I started a few months ago. I just feel so good, both emotionally and physically, and the glow can be seen from my eyes.
And, damn I look good today. I'm wearing a sea foam green new top, which is an empire waist and long bottom. There's light ruffles on the bodice and wrists, with a mandarin collar and buttons up the front of the bodice. I'm wearing it with chocolate brown slacks and my brown heels. My hair is so soft looking and shiny, and with my coloring the sea foam compliments it so well. I sparkle, without having glitter! hehe I think it helps that I got a lot of sleep last night. I fell asleep on the couch after dinner around 8pm, missing Dancing with the Stars, and my mom woke me up at 10 to tell me to go to bed. I moved into my comfy bed, promptly falling back asleep until 7am this morning. Sigh! I also smell really good today. I have a new fragrance in my mix, and since I don't wear it all the time I can smell it. Its a shame that my office doesn't have a lot of men to flirt with, although I may go out at lunch time and people watch. Its a glorious day!
I've been practicing the insight meditation and metta which I think has been helping me a lot. Goodness begets goodness. Which is the principle in The Secret or The Law of Attraction. The universe can only send you what you put out, so feeling good brings more good feeling things. Class this weekend was wonderful, I love my friends, I'm flirting with new guys, and I just feel good.
A few weeks ago I mentioned running into a VJC grad at the gym. He was there last night as well, so we spent a few minutes chatting. Really nice guy. I didn't recognize him at first, but he approached me, which was sweet.
I had a lot of interesting dreams last night that I actually remember. One involving Sam of all things, although indirectly. All of his classmates were out at a festival, he did not come because he was afraid of running into me, or so they told me. I chatted with them for a bit, and they told me that he's having trouble finding the words to say to me. I told them to let him know that if he just opens his mouth, things that are supposed to come out, will. Then I left them and went to the bank. Somehow I had in my possession over 5 million dollars in artifacts and money that needed to be placed in a deposit box. I had to travel down to the vault with the bank attendant, to make sure the money/stuff got to where it was going. We first had to spread it out all on a table, and it wasn't really money. It was golden puzzle pieces that were very tiny. We had to put them together to form some sort of pattern and structure that would give us a picture/key to figuring out the rest. Once put together they made ancient art that depicted religious things. We didn't finish, but somewhere along the way I picked up an ice cream cone. It was good. For some reason, because I had them in my possession meant that I was chosen and powerful - but no one really knew why. I just knew that I had to put them together to figure it out. And it was very important that we had security protection, because we didn't want anyone else down in the vault to know what we were doing, or that this stuff was there. There were so many little pieces to put together, we had to make sure that we didn't lose any. Interesting!
Anyway.... off to start my day!
And, damn I look good today. I'm wearing a sea foam green new top, which is an empire waist and long bottom. There's light ruffles on the bodice and wrists, with a mandarin collar and buttons up the front of the bodice. I'm wearing it with chocolate brown slacks and my brown heels. My hair is so soft looking and shiny, and with my coloring the sea foam compliments it so well. I sparkle, without having glitter! hehe I think it helps that I got a lot of sleep last night. I fell asleep on the couch after dinner around 8pm, missing Dancing with the Stars, and my mom woke me up at 10 to tell me to go to bed. I moved into my comfy bed, promptly falling back asleep until 7am this morning. Sigh! I also smell really good today. I have a new fragrance in my mix, and since I don't wear it all the time I can smell it. Its a shame that my office doesn't have a lot of men to flirt with, although I may go out at lunch time and people watch. Its a glorious day!
I've been practicing the insight meditation and metta which I think has been helping me a lot. Goodness begets goodness. Which is the principle in The Secret or The Law of Attraction. The universe can only send you what you put out, so feeling good brings more good feeling things. Class this weekend was wonderful, I love my friends, I'm flirting with new guys, and I just feel good.
A few weeks ago I mentioned running into a VJC grad at the gym. He was there last night as well, so we spent a few minutes chatting. Really nice guy. I didn't recognize him at first, but he approached me, which was sweet.
I had a lot of interesting dreams last night that I actually remember. One involving Sam of all things, although indirectly. All of his classmates were out at a festival, he did not come because he was afraid of running into me, or so they told me. I chatted with them for a bit, and they told me that he's having trouble finding the words to say to me. I told them to let him know that if he just opens his mouth, things that are supposed to come out, will. Then I left them and went to the bank. Somehow I had in my possession over 5 million dollars in artifacts and money that needed to be placed in a deposit box. I had to travel down to the vault with the bank attendant, to make sure the money/stuff got to where it was going. We first had to spread it out all on a table, and it wasn't really money. It was golden puzzle pieces that were very tiny. We had to put them together to form some sort of pattern and structure that would give us a picture/key to figuring out the rest. Once put together they made ancient art that depicted religious things. We didn't finish, but somewhere along the way I picked up an ice cream cone. It was good. For some reason, because I had them in my possession meant that I was chosen and powerful - but no one really knew why. I just knew that I had to put them together to figure it out. And it was very important that we had security protection, because we didn't want anyone else down in the vault to know what we were doing, or that this stuff was there. There were so many little pieces to put together, we had to make sure that we didn't lose any. Interesting!
Anyway.... off to start my day!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Great weekend!
I have so much to say, and it all doesn't flow, so I'll just chunk it again!
1. We are going to Bermuda! The director of our program announced that the faculty finally made the decision to send my cohort to Bermuda for our International Residency! I am so excited! I was just there in August of 2008 for vacation, and now I get to spend 10/11 days there in Feb of next year with my cohort. It is a working trip, but we are going to have so much fun! I can't wait!
2. I learned some new techniques for relaxing my shoulders and neck. Stephanie has been doing body work for awhile, and she pushed on my shoulders from above, and I could literally feel the energy drain out of my head and into my gut. Its supposed to help insomniacs who can't sleep because of their spiraling thoughts. Which, is not me, but it felt really really good. My shoulders have been tight for the last few days, and she was able to get some of the knots out. She also did an intense shoulder massage which was heavenly! Adam, the younger brother of the cohort, is really sweet. As I was getting my massage, he sat on the floor in front of me to get his shoulders rubbed. Stephanie made me so relaxed, I just cuddled up to his back and closed my eyes for a few minutes. He makes a great pillow. And I don't think he gets enough attention. He's really young, and is the only guy in a class of 18 women.
3. The Marriott Wardman is freaking huge! I can only describe it as a Vegas-style hotel, when it comes to size. The beds were comfy, and the room was rather large. April stayed over with me Saturday night, which is a lot of fun. We walked through a convention's breakfast on the way to the parking garage and we decided that we just need to hit all the conventions in DC - lots of yummy looking guys mingling about! Or hang out at the lobby bar after the convention events!
4. The usual group of cohort ladies went out to dinner on Saturday night. Nidhi took us to her favorite Indian restaurant in Arlington. It was SOOOOO GOOD! I had a lamb and rice dish, but everything was amazing. We just passed the plates around and shared everything. Even Christine, our meat and potatoes lady, enjoyed the food. Then we headed over to a tap house for a drink or two. I found a new orange wheat beer that was delicious. This is when the conversation really got interesting. One of the ladies wanted us to rate our own selves in bed! hehehehehe A few of us single ladies concluded that we need lovers. hehehe
5. I did not meet up with my friend like I thought I would. We did exchange texts early on Friday, but he told me he might fly out to see his fiance in Denver for the weekend. It was a spur of the moment thing. He was supposed to text me by Friday afternoon to let me know, but he never did. Oh well, I don't need friends like that. I don't care that he wanted to go see her, hell, I'd go see my love too - but a courtesy text one way or another would have been nice.
6. I got a lot of compliments on my weight loss in the last few days. I'm so proud of myself! I feel really good, and I'm going to continue on this path!
7. I've been so happy the last week or so. I think my moods really do depend on my PMS. But I'm having fun, I love where I am, and I'm just feeling really hopeful about the future. I'm having fun, and its no longer an effort, I'm starting to have fun in everything I do again! I'm back!
8. I started talking to a few different guys over the last week too from the dating website. No, not the one I reported about last week, other ones. Hopefully a date or two will pan out with them, but nothing scheduled yet. Dating is fun!
I think that covers everything lurking around in my head.... hehehe
Have a great Monday!
1. We are going to Bermuda! The director of our program announced that the faculty finally made the decision to send my cohort to Bermuda for our International Residency! I am so excited! I was just there in August of 2008 for vacation, and now I get to spend 10/11 days there in Feb of next year with my cohort. It is a working trip, but we are going to have so much fun! I can't wait!
2. I learned some new techniques for relaxing my shoulders and neck. Stephanie has been doing body work for awhile, and she pushed on my shoulders from above, and I could literally feel the energy drain out of my head and into my gut. Its supposed to help insomniacs who can't sleep because of their spiraling thoughts. Which, is not me, but it felt really really good. My shoulders have been tight for the last few days, and she was able to get some of the knots out. She also did an intense shoulder massage which was heavenly! Adam, the younger brother of the cohort, is really sweet. As I was getting my massage, he sat on the floor in front of me to get his shoulders rubbed. Stephanie made me so relaxed, I just cuddled up to his back and closed my eyes for a few minutes. He makes a great pillow. And I don't think he gets enough attention. He's really young, and is the only guy in a class of 18 women.
3. The Marriott Wardman is freaking huge! I can only describe it as a Vegas-style hotel, when it comes to size. The beds were comfy, and the room was rather large. April stayed over with me Saturday night, which is a lot of fun. We walked through a convention's breakfast on the way to the parking garage and we decided that we just need to hit all the conventions in DC - lots of yummy looking guys mingling about! Or hang out at the lobby bar after the convention events!
4. The usual group of cohort ladies went out to dinner on Saturday night. Nidhi took us to her favorite Indian restaurant in Arlington. It was SOOOOO GOOD! I had a lamb and rice dish, but everything was amazing. We just passed the plates around and shared everything. Even Christine, our meat and potatoes lady, enjoyed the food. Then we headed over to a tap house for a drink or two. I found a new orange wheat beer that was delicious. This is when the conversation really got interesting. One of the ladies wanted us to rate our own selves in bed! hehehehehe A few of us single ladies concluded that we need lovers. hehehe
5. I did not meet up with my friend like I thought I would. We did exchange texts early on Friday, but he told me he might fly out to see his fiance in Denver for the weekend. It was a spur of the moment thing. He was supposed to text me by Friday afternoon to let me know, but he never did. Oh well, I don't need friends like that. I don't care that he wanted to go see her, hell, I'd go see my love too - but a courtesy text one way or another would have been nice.
6. I got a lot of compliments on my weight loss in the last few days. I'm so proud of myself! I feel really good, and I'm going to continue on this path!
7. I've been so happy the last week or so. I think my moods really do depend on my PMS. But I'm having fun, I love where I am, and I'm just feeling really hopeful about the future. I'm having fun, and its no longer an effort, I'm starting to have fun in everything I do again! I'm back!
8. I started talking to a few different guys over the last week too from the dating website. No, not the one I reported about last week, other ones. Hopefully a date or two will pan out with them, but nothing scheduled yet. Dating is fun!
I think that covers everything lurking around in my head.... hehehe
Have a great Monday!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
skinny news!
I had to share, it was very exciting! I went to meet with one of my clients, most of which I haven't seen since I conducted a focus group with them back in June. They all came up to me after the meeting and wanted to know if I was shrinking! They could tell that I've lost a lot of weight! WOOO HOOOO!!!! I feel skinny! :) Not really yet, but I'm starting to feel it!
Thanksgiving Excitement!
After 30 years of watching it on TV, I finally get to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade in NY! My mom and cousins RoseCarol and TJ are all going up Wednesday and staying through Friday. I get to see the balloons blown up in Central Park on Wednesday night, the Parade on Thursday, and then a great Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant, and then Black Friday in NY! It is also my cousin's birthday on that Friday, so we have to do something special for him. I CAN'T WAIT!
I got a room at a swanky hotel on priceline yesterday, and my fingers are crossed that they will be able to upgrade us to a room with two doubles when we get there. If not, I don't care, I'll sleep on the floor! I'm going to the parade! I love a parade! I am so excited!!!!
I also can't wait for this weekend at school. I'm so excited to go! I get to sleep in the comfy Marriott bed all weekend, see my girls, and just escape for a bit! WOOT! I'm full of positive good energy, and have been for the last few days! Life is good!
I got a room at a swanky hotel on priceline yesterday, and my fingers are crossed that they will be able to upgrade us to a room with two doubles when we get there. If not, I don't care, I'll sleep on the floor! I'm going to the parade! I love a parade! I am so excited!!!!
I also can't wait for this weekend at school. I'm so excited to go! I get to sleep in the comfy Marriott bed all weekend, see my girls, and just escape for a bit! WOOT! I'm full of positive good energy, and have been for the last few days! Life is good!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
September Book Club
I'm impressed with myself. I bought "My Sister's Keeper" weeks ago, but never got around to reading it. I picked it up around 5:15pm last night, took a break to get a pedicure, and then eat dinner, and finished the entire book by 11pm! I had to finish it, as book club is tonight. What a tear-jerker! I need to talk to the girls in the group, because we have to stop reading books that make me cry. I don't think I can see the movie, it would get me all worked up.
I don't know if I was in the situation of the parents what I would do. Basically they genetically engineered a baby to match the genetics of the older sister so she could be a match and save the older sister's life. The story is about the struggle of growing up in a family like that, where everything is focused on the older sister, and the younger sister never being heard or seen as her own person. I won't ruin the ending, but she truly was her sister's keeper.
I am really getting excited about going away to school this weekend. There are many reasons, mainly that this is a lighter class, where we don't have to do any interpersonal scoop up of our inner shadow. My personality, based on my MBTI, preference is to do interpersonal work and continually ask the question 'why', but sometimes I just want it to stop. I'm going to have fun with the girls out on the town! WOOT! I get to sleep in a awesome Marriott bed (I love their beds) and if the calendars work out, I get to see a friend who I haven't seen in 8 years! I'm really looking forward to that!
I don't know if I was in the situation of the parents what I would do. Basically they genetically engineered a baby to match the genetics of the older sister so she could be a match and save the older sister's life. The story is about the struggle of growing up in a family like that, where everything is focused on the older sister, and the younger sister never being heard or seen as her own person. I won't ruin the ending, but she truly was her sister's keeper.
I am really getting excited about going away to school this weekend. There are many reasons, mainly that this is a lighter class, where we don't have to do any interpersonal scoop up of our inner shadow. My personality, based on my MBTI, preference is to do interpersonal work and continually ask the question 'why', but sometimes I just want it to stop. I'm going to have fun with the girls out on the town! WOOT! I get to sleep in a awesome Marriott bed (I love their beds) and if the calendars work out, I get to see a friend who I haven't seen in 8 years! I'm really looking forward to that!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Getting out of bed
I love fall-ish mornings, but it is so hard for me to get out of bed. Especially since I have the fleecy plush throw on top of the bedspread. I was just sitting here thinking about going to bed tonight and how excited I am to do that! Its the little things that make me happy.
In the morning it is so cool in my room, plus I have the ceiling fan on, so I normally have all the blankets piled on top of me. I slide one leg out of the side and put it on top of the fleecy throw and cuddle up to an extra pillow. Plus with my need for high thread count sheets, the pillowcase is so soft and silky. I could lay there for hours and just pet the throw.... its the little things in life that make me happy! hehehe
In the morning it is so cool in my room, plus I have the ceiling fan on, so I normally have all the blankets piled on top of me. I slide one leg out of the side and put it on top of the fleecy throw and cuddle up to an extra pillow. Plus with my need for high thread count sheets, the pillowcase is so soft and silky. I could lay there for hours and just pet the throw.... its the little things in life that make me happy! hehehe
Interesting Horoscope
From the daily email that I get for Taurus:
Not all friendships are the same, dear Taurus. You may have learned that the hard way. But that's okay. Today, you may feel like putting your friendships in some kind of order and getting a bit of perspective on things. It's time to figure which of your friends are really there for you when you need them, and which of them show you how much they care about you, and which ones do not. Each kind of friendship can be useful to you in its own way. Don't be afraid to admit this to yourself.
So a learning moment for me, while reading this horoscope:
I have a tendency to put everything on the line with some of my friendships, and through my whole heart into them, when they don't necessarily throw their whole heart back at me. I always thought that was supposed to be how it was, give everything of yourself. But I just learned that it is okay to have different levels of friendships, and it is okay to admit that I'm not good friends with some people. It is okay to see what is really there, and not try to make it into something more.
Not all friendships are the same, dear Taurus. You may have learned that the hard way. But that's okay. Today, you may feel like putting your friendships in some kind of order and getting a bit of perspective on things. It's time to figure which of your friends are really there for you when you need them, and which of them show you how much they care about you, and which ones do not. Each kind of friendship can be useful to you in its own way. Don't be afraid to admit this to yourself.
So a learning moment for me, while reading this horoscope:
I have a tendency to put everything on the line with some of my friendships, and through my whole heart into them, when they don't necessarily throw their whole heart back at me. I always thought that was supposed to be how it was, give everything of yourself. But I just learned that it is okay to have different levels of friendships, and it is okay to admit that I'm not good friends with some people. It is okay to see what is really there, and not try to make it into something more.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I need a lesson...
... because apparently I was dropped off in the old school, and I am not getting the new school dating scene at all. I had another crop up of the same sort of issue occur last night. I updated my profile on the dating website I belong to, which usually gets a flurry of activity from interested guys. One such contacted me... the conversation went something like this:
Him: I want to be honest with you from the beginning, I'm not looking for a serious relationship, just friends and someone to hang out with, but also cuddle up to while watching movies and making-out... etc.
Me: So, you are looking for friends with benefits?
Him: I think that term is too raunchy, and I don't like it.
Me: Well, I don't like the term either. But I will be honest with you, I'm not the type of woman who can cuddle up with you, then leave and go out on a date with another man.
Him: Whoa... who said anything about you dating another man? I wasn't suggesting that you'd be doing this with other guys too. I wouldn't be trying to date other women either!
Me: So you want to be exclusive in this process? But I thought we'd just be "friends."
Him: It's a catch 22.
Me: So you don't want to see other people, but if it gets too sticky then either of us can pull the "Whoa - what are you talking about, we're just friends" card?
Him: Why does it have to be structured, why can't two people just enjoy each other's company until they don't want to anymore?
Me: I'm not trying to force structure, I'm just trying to be really clear about what you are asking for, so I won't get blurry later. I prefer just to get to know someone before any structure or naming of any sort of relationship occurs.
Him: So you'd be up for meeting and then figuring out the rest later?
Me: Possibly, but I'd have to get to know you first and figure out if I even want more.
Him: Look, I just want to go out with you, watch movies, cuddle, kiss, have a good rest of the evening, and I think you're really pretty.
Me: Thanks, but I want you to know that I don't meet people in person until I get to know them a little bit better and figure out what type of person they are.
Him: Good idea, you don't know if I'm a reverse pedophile who likes older women. (He's younger than me)
Me: Cute... well, I have to go!
Him: I'll be online later, come chat with me!
Thus it goes again. I felt aggressive in asking all of those questions about making him very clear, but I'm not going to get myself into a situation again, where the relationship feels/acts/seems like more, but someone can always pull the friend card out on me. It seems to be a pattern that happened with a few guys in my past, where we started as friends, and then it just got really confusing all around. Its that stupid out that I tolerate, because I always think that if I hang in there long enough, don't make any demands on them in a girlfriend like way, that things will change. They never do! Again, my favorite part, and this is evil of me, is that our relationship usually ends in a negative way, stilted friendship, I would call it. And it ends because they "found the woman of their dreams"... and it's happened 3 times now that she walked all over their hearts leaving them for dead about a year after. Then for some reason they feel so guilty... I wonder why? We were just friends! (snicker)
Him: I want to be honest with you from the beginning, I'm not looking for a serious relationship, just friends and someone to hang out with, but also cuddle up to while watching movies and making-out... etc.
Me: So, you are looking for friends with benefits?
Him: I think that term is too raunchy, and I don't like it.
Me: Well, I don't like the term either. But I will be honest with you, I'm not the type of woman who can cuddle up with you, then leave and go out on a date with another man.
Him: Whoa... who said anything about you dating another man? I wasn't suggesting that you'd be doing this with other guys too. I wouldn't be trying to date other women either!
Me: So you want to be exclusive in this process? But I thought we'd just be "friends."
Him: It's a catch 22.
Me: So you don't want to see other people, but if it gets too sticky then either of us can pull the "Whoa - what are you talking about, we're just friends" card?
Him: Why does it have to be structured, why can't two people just enjoy each other's company until they don't want to anymore?
Me: I'm not trying to force structure, I'm just trying to be really clear about what you are asking for, so I won't get blurry later. I prefer just to get to know someone before any structure or naming of any sort of relationship occurs.
Him: So you'd be up for meeting and then figuring out the rest later?
Me: Possibly, but I'd have to get to know you first and figure out if I even want more.
Him: Look, I just want to go out with you, watch movies, cuddle, kiss, have a good rest of the evening, and I think you're really pretty.
Me: Thanks, but I want you to know that I don't meet people in person until I get to know them a little bit better and figure out what type of person they are.
Him: Good idea, you don't know if I'm a reverse pedophile who likes older women. (He's younger than me)
Me: Cute... well, I have to go!
Him: I'll be online later, come chat with me!
Thus it goes again. I felt aggressive in asking all of those questions about making him very clear, but I'm not going to get myself into a situation again, where the relationship feels/acts/seems like more, but someone can always pull the friend card out on me. It seems to be a pattern that happened with a few guys in my past, where we started as friends, and then it just got really confusing all around. Its that stupid out that I tolerate, because I always think that if I hang in there long enough, don't make any demands on them in a girlfriend like way, that things will change. They never do! Again, my favorite part, and this is evil of me, is that our relationship usually ends in a negative way, stilted friendship, I would call it. And it ends because they "found the woman of their dreams"... and it's happened 3 times now that she walked all over their hearts leaving them for dead about a year after. Then for some reason they feel so guilty... I wonder why? We were just friends! (snicker)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Living for the weekends!
A friend of mine on facebook made that comment, "Living for the weekends," and I have to agree that it is what I seem to be doing lately too. In my quest to have as much fun as possible, I seem to be jamming my weekends with activities, which is awesome!
I took Stacey with me to the 5Rhythms meditation on Friday night. There were a different group of characters there then last time, with a few the same. Also, our instructor was different, and had a British accent, which was cool. He was more formalized in his teaching approach, as we had more teaching then last time. As always, the weirdest man in the room found me, and captured me as a partner when we had to pair up for a few things. Stacey left me with him, but she was ready to jump in if necessary. He just reminds me of the sitting in a dark basement playing D&D type. But, I did get a lot of stuff out when I was dancing, which felt good. Chaos is my favorite rhythm, as I connect it to throwing a temper tantrum. My arms were going all over, and I was mumbling under my breath my anger and aggression. It felt incredibly good to get into it. Chaos is just letting your body vibrate and jiggle to a fast beat as much as you want it to, letting the limbs and head go. After literally dancing for 2 1/2 hours on a hardwood floor barefooted, I could hardly move once I parked the car back at home, but I slept really really well.
Saturday was The Maryland Wine Festival which was a blast. I like PA wines better than Maryland, as PA seems to be sweeter. I don't mind a glass of dry wine, but if I wanted to really enjoy and go through the bottle, then I need candy in a glass. There were so many people there, the line to get in alone was over an hour, and they had 5 gates. There was incredible fair food, wine, yummy cheese, and crafts galore. The day could not have been more beautiful with the weather and the clear blue sky. It was so nice to be outside and just starting to enjoy the last few days of summer. I did get a little sun burn, but that's typical of me. April and I brought our moms, and they had fun hanging out together and talking while we were doing the tasting. My friend Stephanie and her hubby were there, and of course Stacey and her crew. It was great to see everyone again, I miss hanging out with them.
Saturday night found me headed down to April's in Germantown then off to Arlington for a birthday party. We got our 'hot girl' dresses on, put on the war-paint, and went out to find some men! Unfortunately the evening was very low key, and I just enjoyed getting tipsy with a bunch of new people, as I people watched. We went to this place called Eventide, which is three levels of trendy coolness in the heart of Arlington. Their rooftop deck is amazing, although it was way too chilly to hang out up top. We then made it to the Claredon Ballroom, which reminded me of a college party all over again. April asked me if I saw any prospects, and I mentioned that I felt like a cougar! Rawwwr! hehe But it was nice to relax, and enjoy. It was her best friend's birthday, and it was nice to finally meet her. The three of us are going out one night in Alexandria to enjoy some yummy food and bars. We are also going where there will be people more along the lines of our age. I crashed at her place, and got up early this morning to come home.
Today found me reading some chapters for next weekend's class prior to heading to the church crab feast. It was DELICIOUS! The crabs were big and full, all you can eat, plus a whole buffet of additional food. I was so happy to see my priest again, as he was transferred in the beginning of September to another parish. We did our typical dancing, and this time I got some video of it! Mom, and Aunts Carolyn and Kas all took the floor for the jitterbug. At one point another cousin mentioned that they were all in step, and I remembered that they all have been dancing together for over 50 years! They used to jitterbug and put on shows at the family parties. My mom was also on a teen dance show in Baltimore - Buddy Dean - which the movie Hairspray is copied from.
Why can't every day be the weekend?
Here are the pics and videos from the crab feast:
I took Stacey with me to the 5Rhythms meditation on Friday night. There were a different group of characters there then last time, with a few the same. Also, our instructor was different, and had a British accent, which was cool. He was more formalized in his teaching approach, as we had more teaching then last time. As always, the weirdest man in the room found me, and captured me as a partner when we had to pair up for a few things. Stacey left me with him, but she was ready to jump in if necessary. He just reminds me of the sitting in a dark basement playing D&D type. But, I did get a lot of stuff out when I was dancing, which felt good. Chaos is my favorite rhythm, as I connect it to throwing a temper tantrum. My arms were going all over, and I was mumbling under my breath my anger and aggression. It felt incredibly good to get into it. Chaos is just letting your body vibrate and jiggle to a fast beat as much as you want it to, letting the limbs and head go. After literally dancing for 2 1/2 hours on a hardwood floor barefooted, I could hardly move once I parked the car back at home, but I slept really really well.
Saturday was The Maryland Wine Festival which was a blast. I like PA wines better than Maryland, as PA seems to be sweeter. I don't mind a glass of dry wine, but if I wanted to really enjoy and go through the bottle, then I need candy in a glass. There were so many people there, the line to get in alone was over an hour, and they had 5 gates. There was incredible fair food, wine, yummy cheese, and crafts galore. The day could not have been more beautiful with the weather and the clear blue sky. It was so nice to be outside and just starting to enjoy the last few days of summer. I did get a little sun burn, but that's typical of me. April and I brought our moms, and they had fun hanging out together and talking while we were doing the tasting. My friend Stephanie and her hubby were there, and of course Stacey and her crew. It was great to see everyone again, I miss hanging out with them.
Saturday night found me headed down to April's in Germantown then off to Arlington for a birthday party. We got our 'hot girl' dresses on, put on the war-paint, and went out to find some men! Unfortunately the evening was very low key, and I just enjoyed getting tipsy with a bunch of new people, as I people watched. We went to this place called Eventide, which is three levels of trendy coolness in the heart of Arlington. Their rooftop deck is amazing, although it was way too chilly to hang out up top. We then made it to the Claredon Ballroom, which reminded me of a college party all over again. April asked me if I saw any prospects, and I mentioned that I felt like a cougar! Rawwwr! hehe But it was nice to relax, and enjoy. It was her best friend's birthday, and it was nice to finally meet her. The three of us are going out one night in Alexandria to enjoy some yummy food and bars. We are also going where there will be people more along the lines of our age. I crashed at her place, and got up early this morning to come home.
Today found me reading some chapters for next weekend's class prior to heading to the church crab feast. It was DELICIOUS! The crabs were big and full, all you can eat, plus a whole buffet of additional food. I was so happy to see my priest again, as he was transferred in the beginning of September to another parish. We did our typical dancing, and this time I got some video of it! Mom, and Aunts Carolyn and Kas all took the floor for the jitterbug. At one point another cousin mentioned that they were all in step, and I remembered that they all have been dancing together for over 50 years! They used to jitterbug and put on shows at the family parties. My mom was also on a teen dance show in Baltimore - Buddy Dean - which the movie Hairspray is copied from.
Why can't every day be the weekend?
Here are the pics and videos from the crab feast:
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| OLQP Crabfeast 2009 |
Friday, September 18, 2009
Windmills of the Mind
In the staff meeting this morning, my coworker showed a scene from the old Muppet's TV show called "Windmills of the Mind." It was some sort of little monster who was sitting in a chair and saying "see, I appear calm on the outside, and cool... but inside...." and then it goes into this whole song about how the windmills of the mind are spiraling out of control and the song gets faster and faster until he literally runs into a windmill. Cute, funny, and fitting!
So what windmill has been spinning for me since the last blog? Well, there's actually two of them. I don't think either of them have answers, but I'm putting them out into the universe to see what I get back.
Question 1: How do you really see things as they are, and not your perception of them?
I started reading a book by the Dali Lama called, "How to see yourself as you really are." I'm only in the first chapter after reading the long introduction, and the first cause is ignorance. Not in the sense of "stupid" but in the sense of not seeing what is really there. I'm asking how do human beings see, without interrupting what they are seeing. That's how the mind works. That's what makes us intelligent beings, we can add meaning and communicate it. So to get back to the basics of seeing actions, words, and events as they are and not attributing some sort of personal meaning is the first step.
I know that I don't see myself as I really am, as the ego has defined me, just like everyone else. And that is not the true me. I also read a line in one of the books that said something like, "a stranger can tell you in 5 minutes what you were searching to understand about yourself for a lifetime." Which leads me to question 2....
Question 2: What am I not seeing about myself?
One place that I continuously get stuck, and I think it is my lesson to learn as it keeps coming up, is that men "respect me too much to get involved with me." Now, if it happened once or twice, I would use logic and say "its the typical line - It's not you, it's me - but we all know it really means you." I'm not an idiot. But I can say with about 90% reliability that every man I have been involved with has said this to me at one point. Sometimes it is when I've first met them, and they haven't had a chance to know me yet. I've heard, "Look, I really like you, and want to be friends, but you deserve someone better than me." Or I've heard it when the relationship was ending or changing. I even heard it as a side comment from an observer, "I wouldn't introduce you to any of the single guys I know, they don't deserve you." What the hell does that mean? What am I projecting to the world that shows this? I think I'm normal, and like any other woman walking down the street.... so why do I keep getting this statement? If they aren't interested in me, I would rather them just come out and say it, then to say that. I'm not better than anyone. I also get, "I respect you too much." So what, you want to go find a woman you don't respect to spend time with? Yeah, that's real healthy.
Anyway, my mission, according to the Lama is to stop having questions and just live.
So what windmill has been spinning for me since the last blog? Well, there's actually two of them. I don't think either of them have answers, but I'm putting them out into the universe to see what I get back.
Question 1: How do you really see things as they are, and not your perception of them?
I started reading a book by the Dali Lama called, "How to see yourself as you really are." I'm only in the first chapter after reading the long introduction, and the first cause is ignorance. Not in the sense of "stupid" but in the sense of not seeing what is really there. I'm asking how do human beings see, without interrupting what they are seeing. That's how the mind works. That's what makes us intelligent beings, we can add meaning and communicate it. So to get back to the basics of seeing actions, words, and events as they are and not attributing some sort of personal meaning is the first step.
I know that I don't see myself as I really am, as the ego has defined me, just like everyone else. And that is not the true me. I also read a line in one of the books that said something like, "a stranger can tell you in 5 minutes what you were searching to understand about yourself for a lifetime." Which leads me to question 2....
Question 2: What am I not seeing about myself?
One place that I continuously get stuck, and I think it is my lesson to learn as it keeps coming up, is that men "respect me too much to get involved with me." Now, if it happened once or twice, I would use logic and say "its the typical line - It's not you, it's me - but we all know it really means you." I'm not an idiot. But I can say with about 90% reliability that every man I have been involved with has said this to me at one point. Sometimes it is when I've first met them, and they haven't had a chance to know me yet. I've heard, "Look, I really like you, and want to be friends, but you deserve someone better than me." Or I've heard it when the relationship was ending or changing. I even heard it as a side comment from an observer, "I wouldn't introduce you to any of the single guys I know, they don't deserve you." What the hell does that mean? What am I projecting to the world that shows this? I think I'm normal, and like any other woman walking down the street.... so why do I keep getting this statement? If they aren't interested in me, I would rather them just come out and say it, then to say that. I'm not better than anyone. I also get, "I respect you too much." So what, you want to go find a woman you don't respect to spend time with? Yeah, that's real healthy.
Anyway, my mission, according to the Lama is to stop having questions and just live.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Meetup.com
I'm such a joiner. We used to tease a coworker of mine, Ruth, because she was busy after work every night with different clubs and organizations she joined or was on the board. I'm an undercover joiner, but joiner I am. She even got me involved in a few of her associations when I first started working with her.... although, after I found myself in the heart of the unsafe area of town, volunteering to do BMI screenings, telling people they are obese.... that's the last time I joined!
Anyway, I found meetup.com by accident a few weeks ago, and created a profile. So, now I'm an official member of 2 singles groups, 4 social groups, a yoga group, and a meditation group. The yoga and meditation group don't do much, but the other 6 have something going on most every night! Actually, I think 2 of the groups are going to the wine festival this weekend, but I'm already going with my friends, so I'm not RSVPing to those. I would, if it was just me, but I didn't know that they watch for you at the gate and officially welcome you. I think that would creep my peeps out.
Tomorrow night I'm doing the 5Rhythms dancing meditation again in the DC area, and I talked my friend Stacey into going with me. She loves to dance and has been taking dance classes, so I think we both could use the 2 1/2 hours to move and get all the crap out of our systems. It was such a release last time, as my body got to throw the tantrum it was trying to throw for awhile. I plan to dance my anger and disappointment out over the Sam situation. I'm more in the disappointed stage, and its not about wanting him to be "into me." As I had mentioned, he was very clear to me that he was not looking for a relationship from day one. I'm just disappointed that our friendship doesn't seem to be important to him. Although, to be honest, I really don't want to be around him if he's dating her, because that would just piss me off. I don't like to be around people who manipulate or really don't care. And by not contacting me, I'm starting to see clearly that this is what this all is. That's not healthy, and all I keep doing is the Metta practice, where I wish each of them happiness, health, peace, and ease.... part of my practice is to include people I am having struggles with in order to overcome and let go. I also do the Metta practice to myself, and my heart and soul sing when that happens. It feels good. I'm also practicing the art of forgiveness, and doing particular intentions to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt, from those who hurt me, and from myself. Generosity and compassion are my two goals in my quest to get back to loving-kindness.
Anyway, I found meetup.com by accident a few weeks ago, and created a profile. So, now I'm an official member of 2 singles groups, 4 social groups, a yoga group, and a meditation group. The yoga and meditation group don't do much, but the other 6 have something going on most every night! Actually, I think 2 of the groups are going to the wine festival this weekend, but I'm already going with my friends, so I'm not RSVPing to those. I would, if it was just me, but I didn't know that they watch for you at the gate and officially welcome you. I think that would creep my peeps out.
Tomorrow night I'm doing the 5Rhythms dancing meditation again in the DC area, and I talked my friend Stacey into going with me. She loves to dance and has been taking dance classes, so I think we both could use the 2 1/2 hours to move and get all the crap out of our systems. It was such a release last time, as my body got to throw the tantrum it was trying to throw for awhile. I plan to dance my anger and disappointment out over the Sam situation. I'm more in the disappointed stage, and its not about wanting him to be "into me." As I had mentioned, he was very clear to me that he was not looking for a relationship from day one. I'm just disappointed that our friendship doesn't seem to be important to him. Although, to be honest, I really don't want to be around him if he's dating her, because that would just piss me off. I don't like to be around people who manipulate or really don't care. And by not contacting me, I'm starting to see clearly that this is what this all is. That's not healthy, and all I keep doing is the Metta practice, where I wish each of them happiness, health, peace, and ease.... part of my practice is to include people I am having struggles with in order to overcome and let go. I also do the Metta practice to myself, and my heart and soul sing when that happens. It feels good. I'm also practicing the art of forgiveness, and doing particular intentions to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt, from those who hurt me, and from myself. Generosity and compassion are my two goals in my quest to get back to loving-kindness.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Dumb moment
So I had my first official dumb moment in a while last night. I got home from work, changed my clothes, got all my things together for the gym, locked the door, pulled it closed and realized that I did not have my keys. I stood there for a moment like a fool, as I couldn't get back into the house, nor drive me car anywhere. Then I figured I could just walk the neighborhood for exercise until my Mom got home from work with her own keys. So I did a whole lap around the entire neighborhood, then some meditation on the deck. I did my favorite yoga video when I finally got back into the house. That's the first time I ever did that!
I think my mind was preoccupied thinking about the Law of Attraction series of books. I went to the library yesterday and picked up the first in the series. Its the same principle as The Secret, that each person manifests their own destiny by the thoughts we have. I like that concept, as we are then personally accountable for our actions. Things are not being "done to you," you are a creator on this journey. I think this ties in nicely with the idea of free choice, and you do reap what you sew. My view of Karma has changed as well. I used to think it was fate's way of getting you back, but in reality its all the experiences that you need to learn something from.
Using that approach, I can think the Sam situation is a replay of what happened about 8 years ago with another guy. This time around I actually spent time in person with the guy, was included in his life, got treated the same way, but this time I stood up for myself. In the scenario from 8 years ago, I only met him in person once, talked to him on the phone nearly every day, sat stupidly by while he played hot and cold with me, until it finally came to a point where he found someone else. I didn't say anything to him about it, I just let it go. I always wanted to be given the chance to say something, and I guess you can say that I manifested this opportunity to say it. Popular psychology will state that this type of behavior is true - people get involved in the same type of relationship over and over again because they want a different ending. I was really good friends with that guy too. We still talk on occasion, and actually we'll be going out soon. I'm over it now, as I've had other loves in the meantime, but its interesting how the patterns play out. He did apologize to me, which I accepted, but it was after his divorce.
I can only hope that wasn't what happened, but I am a philosopher so I enjoy pontificating about meaning and thoughts. I can take my own advice from yesterday, but what fun is that? So in my journey to understanding who I am, I can put down that I'm a woman who needs to understand and find answers. I knew that, but I see that play out so often in my blog. I just want to know 'why'.
I think my mind was preoccupied thinking about the Law of Attraction series of books. I went to the library yesterday and picked up the first in the series. Its the same principle as The Secret, that each person manifests their own destiny by the thoughts we have. I like that concept, as we are then personally accountable for our actions. Things are not being "done to you," you are a creator on this journey. I think this ties in nicely with the idea of free choice, and you do reap what you sew. My view of Karma has changed as well. I used to think it was fate's way of getting you back, but in reality its all the experiences that you need to learn something from.
Using that approach, I can think the Sam situation is a replay of what happened about 8 years ago with another guy. This time around I actually spent time in person with the guy, was included in his life, got treated the same way, but this time I stood up for myself. In the scenario from 8 years ago, I only met him in person once, talked to him on the phone nearly every day, sat stupidly by while he played hot and cold with me, until it finally came to a point where he found someone else. I didn't say anything to him about it, I just let it go. I always wanted to be given the chance to say something, and I guess you can say that I manifested this opportunity to say it. Popular psychology will state that this type of behavior is true - people get involved in the same type of relationship over and over again because they want a different ending. I was really good friends with that guy too. We still talk on occasion, and actually we'll be going out soon. I'm over it now, as I've had other loves in the meantime, but its interesting how the patterns play out. He did apologize to me, which I accepted, but it was after his divorce.
I can only hope that wasn't what happened, but I am a philosopher so I enjoy pontificating about meaning and thoughts. I can take my own advice from yesterday, but what fun is that? So in my journey to understanding who I am, I can put down that I'm a woman who needs to understand and find answers. I knew that, but I see that play out so often in my blog. I just want to know 'why'.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Metta Practice
Loving-kindness, or Metta, has been a wonderful practice for me to start in the Buddhist tradition. It involves wishing yourself and others health, happiness, peace, and life at ease. I did the practice last night while I was doing yoga after my workout in the gym. I can't explain the release and the joy I felt as I was walking back to my car from the gym. I knew that if I could sustain that feeling for a lifetime, than I will truly find my bliss.
Meditation and reading the Buddhist books over the last few months has really made me feel in control of my experience. I have always known that God gives us free choice, and we have talked about that at a more substantial level in my MSOD program, but I never fully realized what it meant until I started reading on these topics. It is not contradictory to my Catholic practice, it actually compliments it very well. Especially in the tradition I was brought up in, where everyone deserves and needs love. Free choice in the Buddhist tradition explores the idea of being in control of our own thoughts and experience. We can't control others, but we can control our response and our experience. A really good example in my book was about one of the students who approached his teacher and said, "As I was meditating, I noticed that my jaw was really tight, and then I realized that I have spent my whole life closed off, and not enjoying life from my tightness, and that made me sad, and I thought about all the people I was closed too." The teacher interrupted the student and said, "You mean you were mediating and your jaw was tight." Then the student started again, "Yes, which means that I'm closed off, and not open, and clenched tight." The teacher said again, "You mean you were mediating and your jaw was tight." This went on for awhile before the student got it. Its the human brain that tries to apply meaning to everything and categorize it into something that is useful to us, but the fact is if we just let go and see what is really there, our experience becomes much easier and lighter.
I want that light feeling, and to be free of judgement and applying meaning to experiences. I'm falling into the trap of either/or as my therapist would say, opposed to the idea of both/and. What I mean by that is I try to make things rational and make a clear decision, and what I'm contemplating is how can I let go of judgement and applying meaning to experience when everyone else in the world isn't? Will this further isolate me from people and widen the gap that makes me unique? I feel that I can wander down the total path of self-discovery, guided by the wonderful feelings in my soul, letting go of all trappings of modern thought and judgement, but that path will take me away from normalcy. I need to change my focus to both/and so I can hold myself and the trappings of normalcy in the world at the same time. That's the learning.
I also have been having weird dreams.... which is normal for this time of month. The first was the other night about Sam. I just kept seeing his eyes, as he would capture my gaze and hold it. I was at a restaurant waiting for a friend to join me, and the friend was someone from the old days at country line dancing who I haven't talked to in years. The restaurant was literally across the street from where Sam was staying, and from my window seat I could see into his place. He kept catching my eye and holding the gaze for awhile from across the street. He finally called me and asked what I was doing, and I invited him over to meet us for dinner. My friend called at that time and told me that he couldn't make it. Another woman friend of mine was there, but I have no idea who she was. When we all sat down at the table, before ordering, I said that I don't like to be a 3rd wheel, and I got up and left them to have dinner.
Last night, the dream was even more odd, and I can't even begin to explain how it all tied together. At first I was at church, it was my priest, but we were at my old church of Our Lady of Hope. My priest was there because he was introducing the new priest that would fill-in while mine was gone. My priest and I always greet each other with huge hugs, and we got to talking late into the night. I finally made it home, and a man that I was seeing was there. This is where it got really weird. He was a Dom, and I had broken up with him awhile ago because he was violent. For some reason he was there in my apartment. Sometimes I was her, the woman who was involved with him, but other times I was a third party watching but couldn't do anything. He was angry that I had broken up with him, and was there to punish me for being out with another man so late. I was trying to explain that it was my priest, but he wasn't taking that as an answer. At this point I moved out of her, and became the 3rd party watching. I actually think I called the police, because the man was so enraged that it looked as if he wanted to kill her. He began stalking her around the living room, and at that moment the police barged into the room. He materialized a gun from somewhere, and shot one of the officers, but then another officer shot him. He didn't die, but they used his own restraints on him, and they took him off to jail. That's about when I woke up... WEIRD!
Meditation and reading the Buddhist books over the last few months has really made me feel in control of my experience. I have always known that God gives us free choice, and we have talked about that at a more substantial level in my MSOD program, but I never fully realized what it meant until I started reading on these topics. It is not contradictory to my Catholic practice, it actually compliments it very well. Especially in the tradition I was brought up in, where everyone deserves and needs love. Free choice in the Buddhist tradition explores the idea of being in control of our own thoughts and experience. We can't control others, but we can control our response and our experience. A really good example in my book was about one of the students who approached his teacher and said, "As I was meditating, I noticed that my jaw was really tight, and then I realized that I have spent my whole life closed off, and not enjoying life from my tightness, and that made me sad, and I thought about all the people I was closed too." The teacher interrupted the student and said, "You mean you were mediating and your jaw was tight." Then the student started again, "Yes, which means that I'm closed off, and not open, and clenched tight." The teacher said again, "You mean you were mediating and your jaw was tight." This went on for awhile before the student got it. Its the human brain that tries to apply meaning to everything and categorize it into something that is useful to us, but the fact is if we just let go and see what is really there, our experience becomes much easier and lighter.
I want that light feeling, and to be free of judgement and applying meaning to experiences. I'm falling into the trap of either/or as my therapist would say, opposed to the idea of both/and. What I mean by that is I try to make things rational and make a clear decision, and what I'm contemplating is how can I let go of judgement and applying meaning to experience when everyone else in the world isn't? Will this further isolate me from people and widen the gap that makes me unique? I feel that I can wander down the total path of self-discovery, guided by the wonderful feelings in my soul, letting go of all trappings of modern thought and judgement, but that path will take me away from normalcy. I need to change my focus to both/and so I can hold myself and the trappings of normalcy in the world at the same time. That's the learning.
I also have been having weird dreams.... which is normal for this time of month. The first was the other night about Sam. I just kept seeing his eyes, as he would capture my gaze and hold it. I was at a restaurant waiting for a friend to join me, and the friend was someone from the old days at country line dancing who I haven't talked to in years. The restaurant was literally across the street from where Sam was staying, and from my window seat I could see into his place. He kept catching my eye and holding the gaze for awhile from across the street. He finally called me and asked what I was doing, and I invited him over to meet us for dinner. My friend called at that time and told me that he couldn't make it. Another woman friend of mine was there, but I have no idea who she was. When we all sat down at the table, before ordering, I said that I don't like to be a 3rd wheel, and I got up and left them to have dinner.
Last night, the dream was even more odd, and I can't even begin to explain how it all tied together. At first I was at church, it was my priest, but we were at my old church of Our Lady of Hope. My priest was there because he was introducing the new priest that would fill-in while mine was gone. My priest and I always greet each other with huge hugs, and we got to talking late into the night. I finally made it home, and a man that I was seeing was there. This is where it got really weird. He was a Dom, and I had broken up with him awhile ago because he was violent. For some reason he was there in my apartment. Sometimes I was her, the woman who was involved with him, but other times I was a third party watching but couldn't do anything. He was angry that I had broken up with him, and was there to punish me for being out with another man so late. I was trying to explain that it was my priest, but he wasn't taking that as an answer. At this point I moved out of her, and became the 3rd party watching. I actually think I called the police, because the man was so enraged that it looked as if he wanted to kill her. He began stalking her around the living room, and at that moment the police barged into the room. He materialized a gun from somewhere, and shot one of the officers, but then another officer shot him. He didn't die, but they used his own restraints on him, and they took him off to jail. That's about when I woke up... WEIRD!
Monday, September 14, 2009
I got lei'd by a group of men in kilts
We're men, men in kilts, men in kilts! Actually the song is "we're men, men in tights, men in tights" and it is from the Robin Hood, Men in Tights movie. But after I saw the group of men in kilts, that's the first spoof on the song that popped into my head.
I guess I should explain my weekend backwards, starting with Sunday, and then move back to Friday, as Sunday is the most interesting involving the men in kilts. As I mentioned in my last blog, I went to the Gettysburg Wine Festival with a friend on Sunday. I got really really tipsy, which means I was smart enough to let him drive us all the way there and back. At most wine festivals I usually just try one or two interesting sounding wines from each winery. My friend likes to try all the wines from each... needless to say... Amy was very happy. Although I did not get affectionate, so I think my affection only happens when I'm attracted to the person. Anyway.... The Adams County Winery was there, and as part of their stick, all the men wear kilts. I saw a bunch of guys wandering around, and some were tasting at a different winery. I mentioned that I didn't get the memo to wear my kilt, and we started talking. Once I made it over to their winery, one of them took great pleasure in putting a sticker on my chest which announced I got leid. (The were out of actual leis at this point.) We got into a huge discussion between the difference of an Utility-kilt and a Ameri-kilt... with the conclusion that they are just from different companies. I left with 6 bottles of wine from a different winery - Shade Mountain, so I can't wait to indulge in them with dinner.
On Saturday I did go to the Pigtown Festival, which they had in the drizzle that was all of Saturday. It wasn't what I expected, I was thinking it would be bigger. But I did get a really cool necklace, met some neat dogs who were in the dog show, and got to see the piggies do one race. I went out to dinner with Mom that night, and then I spent the rest of the evening on the couch with a book. Very relaxing!
On Friday I did meet up with Rachel to go to the Gilded Lily show. I will definitely see Gilded Lily again, and the Baltimore Improv Group (BIG) but not at the same time. It was just too forced, as they tried to put the ladies from Lily into the improv. I did meet some of the people from the 20s and 30s Meet-up group that I joined... actually they caught and recognized me as soon as I walked into the door. Very nice guys, although a little young. But we'll see who else is part of that group.
I'm really looking forward to hitting the gym tonight. Speaking of gyms, which leads me to my other favorite things to do as a big kid - go to the playground. I found some really cool playgrounds linked on my favorite website. I wanna go play!
I guess I should explain my weekend backwards, starting with Sunday, and then move back to Friday, as Sunday is the most interesting involving the men in kilts. As I mentioned in my last blog, I went to the Gettysburg Wine Festival with a friend on Sunday. I got really really tipsy, which means I was smart enough to let him drive us all the way there and back. At most wine festivals I usually just try one or two interesting sounding wines from each winery. My friend likes to try all the wines from each... needless to say... Amy was very happy. Although I did not get affectionate, so I think my affection only happens when I'm attracted to the person. Anyway.... The Adams County Winery was there, and as part of their stick, all the men wear kilts. I saw a bunch of guys wandering around, and some were tasting at a different winery. I mentioned that I didn't get the memo to wear my kilt, and we started talking. Once I made it over to their winery, one of them took great pleasure in putting a sticker on my chest which announced I got leid. (The were out of actual leis at this point.) We got into a huge discussion between the difference of an Utility-kilt and a Ameri-kilt... with the conclusion that they are just from different companies. I left with 6 bottles of wine from a different winery - Shade Mountain, so I can't wait to indulge in them with dinner.
On Saturday I did go to the Pigtown Festival, which they had in the drizzle that was all of Saturday. It wasn't what I expected, I was thinking it would be bigger. But I did get a really cool necklace, met some neat dogs who were in the dog show, and got to see the piggies do one race. I went out to dinner with Mom that night, and then I spent the rest of the evening on the couch with a book. Very relaxing!
On Friday I did meet up with Rachel to go to the Gilded Lily show. I will definitely see Gilded Lily again, and the Baltimore Improv Group (BIG) but not at the same time. It was just too forced, as they tried to put the ladies from Lily into the improv. I did meet some of the people from the 20s and 30s Meet-up group that I joined... actually they caught and recognized me as soon as I walked into the door. Very nice guys, although a little young. But we'll see who else is part of that group.
I'm really looking forward to hitting the gym tonight. Speaking of gyms, which leads me to my other favorite things to do as a big kid - go to the playground. I found some really cool playgrounds linked on my favorite website. I wanna go play!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Weekend Break
Yoga last night was an excellent start to a wonderful weekend. My teacher was more organized then ever, and we did a lot of really good chanting and meditation afterwards. The room was really warm, so I got some really good flexibility in my bends, opposed to when we were doing yoga in the ice box (aka gym) before.
Today the girls at work and I are going out for sushi for lunch.... I haven't had some in awhile, so I'm really looking forward to it. Then tonight I'm going out with Rachel to the Gilded Lily show. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing the Baltimore Improve Group there too. I've heard great things about their shows, and now I get to see it first hand.
Tomorrow is the Pigtown festival and I'm only really going because of the pigs. Apparently they call that area of town Pigtown because they used to run the pigs from the local farms down the streets on their way to the processing house. Now its one day of celebrating the pig with pig races and dog contests. I have never been, but it should be a lot of fun, with a lot of pictures taken.
On Sunday I'm heading out with my friend Arjay to the Gettysburg Wine Festival. I have never been there either, but all of my friends rave about PA wines. Arjay and I attempted dating last fall, but we make better friends than anything. He just got out of a relationship, and I'm still feeling unresolved, so we thought it would be fun to go out and just have fun over some wine. Good idea!
Its been a great week not focusing on homework in the evening. I have a million chapters to read, but with 3 weeks until class, I had the opportunity to put some off. I'm going to start back to the grind this coming week, but it was good just to have a break.
I was thinking about a lot of heavy stuff at the gym last night. But I usually think about heavier things when I'm PMSing. As I was running my little heart out on the elliptical, I was thinking about how my life would have been different up until now if I had a different body. If I was "built." I wonder what would have happened differently in situations with guys in the past. Would the guys that I'm great friends with actually be interested in me? Oh well, the present is the only thing that matters, and I'm giving the gift of life to myself.
Today the girls at work and I are going out for sushi for lunch.... I haven't had some in awhile, so I'm really looking forward to it. Then tonight I'm going out with Rachel to the Gilded Lily show. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing the Baltimore Improve Group there too. I've heard great things about their shows, and now I get to see it first hand.
Tomorrow is the Pigtown festival and I'm only really going because of the pigs. Apparently they call that area of town Pigtown because they used to run the pigs from the local farms down the streets on their way to the processing house. Now its one day of celebrating the pig with pig races and dog contests. I have never been, but it should be a lot of fun, with a lot of pictures taken.
On Sunday I'm heading out with my friend Arjay to the Gettysburg Wine Festival. I have never been there either, but all of my friends rave about PA wines. Arjay and I attempted dating last fall, but we make better friends than anything. He just got out of a relationship, and I'm still feeling unresolved, so we thought it would be fun to go out and just have fun over some wine. Good idea!
Its been a great week not focusing on homework in the evening. I have a million chapters to read, but with 3 weeks until class, I had the opportunity to put some off. I'm going to start back to the grind this coming week, but it was good just to have a break.
I was thinking about a lot of heavy stuff at the gym last night. But I usually think about heavier things when I'm PMSing. As I was running my little heart out on the elliptical, I was thinking about how my life would have been different up until now if I had a different body. If I was "built." I wonder what would have happened differently in situations with guys in the past. Would the guys that I'm great friends with actually be interested in me? Oh well, the present is the only thing that matters, and I'm giving the gift of life to myself.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday...
My Active Listening class went really well today. I had 27 people in the room, and I got a lot of good feedback from my coworkers. Apparently I "create a gentle safe space for people to learn." And they said I was so energetic that the time just flew by! That's really nice of them.
I also got really excellent feedback on my performance review. It only took 20 minutes to deliver it, and my development things are petty - i.e. use my newly acquired knowledge of my masters program in my work. No biggie!
I'm starting to feel better from my allergies, but they are still lurking behind my nose. I can't wait until the weather officially changes and I don't have to deal with them anymore. Yay!
I'm excited about starting my new yoga series tonight! WOOO HOO! I haven't been to the gym yet this week, so I'm going there after work, and then heading to yoga. I can't wait! I keep saying this, but it just makes me feel so good.
I'm still feeling unresolved with the Sam issue. I feel like things are hanging out, and not getting his input or feedback leaves me guessing and making assumptions. I'm willing to still be friends with him, as I value what I thought was a good friendship. But it's his move to reach out to me, as I can't make him want to resolve things.
I also got really excellent feedback on my performance review. It only took 20 minutes to deliver it, and my development things are petty - i.e. use my newly acquired knowledge of my masters program in my work. No biggie!
I'm starting to feel better from my allergies, but they are still lurking behind my nose. I can't wait until the weather officially changes and I don't have to deal with them anymore. Yay!
I'm excited about starting my new yoga series tonight! WOOO HOO! I haven't been to the gym yet this week, so I'm going there after work, and then heading to yoga. I can't wait! I keep saying this, but it just makes me feel so good.
I'm still feeling unresolved with the Sam issue. I feel like things are hanging out, and not getting his input or feedback leaves me guessing and making assumptions. I'm willing to still be friends with him, as I value what I thought was a good friendship. But it's his move to reach out to me, as I can't make him want to resolve things.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thoughts
I was thinking about what I wanted to blog today, and there were so many directions that I had in my head to go in. I guess it's just best to list all of them, so they are out of my head and I can stop thinking about them.
1. I'm hurt that I haven't heard from Sam yet. I had sent him an olive branch on Thursday, outlining how I felt, and that if we were going to move forward that we need to have boundaries. Well, I haven't heard from him about that, and it has almost been a week. People keep asking me if I heard from him, and when I say 'no' they usually say, "well, that's a good indication of how he really feels about you." On the surface that appears to be true, but I can't believe that. It will take a lot of courage to talk openly about it, and I'm just hoping that it will happen.
2. I read the chapter on anger last night in my Buddhist book. I'm still rolling that concept around in my head, as it is a form of aversion. The book was saying that it is not that we do not have a right to be angry, but we just have to let it go and forgive. There's a forgiveness meditation in the book as an exercise, and I am going to start practicing that. I want to be free of these emotions for the time being.
3. I love affection. Sometimes I think I crave it. I like to hold hands, be close, and just fall asleep on someone's shoulder. I didn't get a lot of it when I was a little girl, so I guess I'm making up for it now. But I'm really good at being seen and not heard... that's how I was raised.
4. I met my friend Eric last night for dinner and drinks. That was a surreal experience. We went out last summer twice, then I went on vacation and didn't hear from him again. We found each other on facebook, became facebook friends, and he was in Baltimore for work yesterday so we he wanted to get together for drinks and dinner. It was nice to catch up with him!
What else is in my head....
5. I have my performance review today... I'm not really concerned about it, but I was supposed to have it last week. I called out sick on last Thursday, so we had to reschedule.
6. I'm teaching a class tomorrow on Active Listening. I have to do the prep work for it today, but I have 27 people coming to my class tomorrow. I'm hoping that they all show up!
7. BINGO tonight! Tonight is the monthly bingo game at my church, which was on break over the summer. It won't be the same without Fr. Jason there, but hopefully it will be crowded and I'll win. I like bingo.
8. I'm going to see Gilded Lilly on Friday night with Rachel! Maria and I are facebook friends, and I told her I was coming to the show. She wants me to come up and say 'hi,' and she's buying me the first round. It should be a fun girls night out. The Baltimore Improve Group is performing with them, so there should be some raunchy comedy too. I like raunchy - it's fun! hehe
I think that's all I have lurking in there now....
1. I'm hurt that I haven't heard from Sam yet. I had sent him an olive branch on Thursday, outlining how I felt, and that if we were going to move forward that we need to have boundaries. Well, I haven't heard from him about that, and it has almost been a week. People keep asking me if I heard from him, and when I say 'no' they usually say, "well, that's a good indication of how he really feels about you." On the surface that appears to be true, but I can't believe that. It will take a lot of courage to talk openly about it, and I'm just hoping that it will happen.
2. I read the chapter on anger last night in my Buddhist book. I'm still rolling that concept around in my head, as it is a form of aversion. The book was saying that it is not that we do not have a right to be angry, but we just have to let it go and forgive. There's a forgiveness meditation in the book as an exercise, and I am going to start practicing that. I want to be free of these emotions for the time being.
3. I love affection. Sometimes I think I crave it. I like to hold hands, be close, and just fall asleep on someone's shoulder. I didn't get a lot of it when I was a little girl, so I guess I'm making up for it now. But I'm really good at being seen and not heard... that's how I was raised.
4. I met my friend Eric last night for dinner and drinks. That was a surreal experience. We went out last summer twice, then I went on vacation and didn't hear from him again. We found each other on facebook, became facebook friends, and he was in Baltimore for work yesterday so we he wanted to get together for drinks and dinner. It was nice to catch up with him!
What else is in my head....
5. I have my performance review today... I'm not really concerned about it, but I was supposed to have it last week. I called out sick on last Thursday, so we had to reschedule.
6. I'm teaching a class tomorrow on Active Listening. I have to do the prep work for it today, but I have 27 people coming to my class tomorrow. I'm hoping that they all show up!
7. BINGO tonight! Tonight is the monthly bingo game at my church, which was on break over the summer. It won't be the same without Fr. Jason there, but hopefully it will be crowded and I'll win. I like bingo.
8. I'm going to see Gilded Lilly on Friday night with Rachel! Maria and I are facebook friends, and I told her I was coming to the show. She wants me to come up and say 'hi,' and she's buying me the first round. It should be a fun girls night out. The Baltimore Improve Group is performing with them, so there should be some raunchy comedy too. I like raunchy - it's fun! hehe
I think that's all I have lurking in there now....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Connections
I really like the Buddhist book I'm reading now, as it is speaking to a place inside of me that I always knew existed, but was not sure how to verbalize. I just read the chapter on desire and attachment and how those things are not love. Its true, if you say you love someone, yet they can do something to break the love you feel for them, then its not true Buddha love that you feel. Once you love someone, or yourself, it is something that just doesn't go away.
The chapter went on to explain that desire and attachment can feel like love, but it makes us do things like be clingy and irrational because we are so desperate to hold onto it. We are so afraid of loss that we fight so heavily for something that doesn't really exist. It is through true detachment that we can find real love. Detachment means that my happiness does not hinge on a set of unrealistic principles and requirements I have for people. I just love, because I love. My soul likes that concept. I've started being more awake to my feelings and the goodness I feel inside is my soul shinning.
I've always been told that I am so giving and loving, and I think it is because I've been trying all my life to find that kind of love. Love that doesn't rely on me performing some action, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, or enjoying certain things. Total acceptance for the life I live is what I have been searching for. However, the only one who can give me that is myself. It is human nature for others to expect us to behave/act/look in a certain way. So the only way to get that is to square it with yourself.
I think I have always known that no other person can love me like that. Or love me like that and feel sexual chemistry with me at the same time. I think that is why I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, or walked-on, or sat quietly by while I was treated like shit. I was trying to accept anything that they were capable of giving, because I knew that they could never love me like I wanted to be loved. Their best was good enough... but it wasn't really.
It is a balance of searching for the humanly impossible, and accepting inperfection.
The chapter went on to explain that desire and attachment can feel like love, but it makes us do things like be clingy and irrational because we are so desperate to hold onto it. We are so afraid of loss that we fight so heavily for something that doesn't really exist. It is through true detachment that we can find real love. Detachment means that my happiness does not hinge on a set of unrealistic principles and requirements I have for people. I just love, because I love. My soul likes that concept. I've started being more awake to my feelings and the goodness I feel inside is my soul shinning.
I've always been told that I am so giving and loving, and I think it is because I've been trying all my life to find that kind of love. Love that doesn't rely on me performing some action, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, or enjoying certain things. Total acceptance for the life I live is what I have been searching for. However, the only one who can give me that is myself. It is human nature for others to expect us to behave/act/look in a certain way. So the only way to get that is to square it with yourself.
I think I have always known that no other person can love me like that. Or love me like that and feel sexual chemistry with me at the same time. I think that is why I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, or walked-on, or sat quietly by while I was treated like shit. I was trying to accept anything that they were capable of giving, because I knew that they could never love me like I wanted to be loved. Their best was good enough... but it wasn't really.
It is a balance of searching for the humanly impossible, and accepting inperfection.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Birthing Drugs...
... aka "Amy's Adventures with Nature"
I got to see a baby cow being born, right in front of my eyes today! And baby piggies! After I heard that poor cow mooing in pain, I've decided I will either need to be knocked out when delivering, or adopt! OUCH! All of the women in the audience kept gasping in pain and sympathy for the cow. But dairy cow #486 did an awesome job, and now she's a proud mama!
I also got to see my favorite farm animal, piggies! Elvis and Lucy were two oversize potbellies preening for attention in their pen. Then their smaller friends did a few laps around the ring for the grand prize of an oreo cookie. Very cute!
My little cousins were adorable as ever, with Ben singing "Putting on the Ritz" for me and telling me about the new phone in his room (he's 4). CJ likes squeezing my face between his hands when I hold him, my fishy face is her favorite. And princess Karen was rocking out to Hannah Montana on her CD player and dancing for the racing crowd.
I also ran into my old friend Jack, and we should be getting together soon for drinks. He's a police officer and got stuck working the fair, poor thing!
Here are some pictures from the weekend:
I got to see a baby cow being born, right in front of my eyes today! And baby piggies! After I heard that poor cow mooing in pain, I've decided I will either need to be knocked out when delivering, or adopt! OUCH! All of the women in the audience kept gasping in pain and sympathy for the cow. But dairy cow #486 did an awesome job, and now she's a proud mama!
I also got to see my favorite farm animal, piggies! Elvis and Lucy were two oversize potbellies preening for attention in their pen. Then their smaller friends did a few laps around the ring for the grand prize of an oreo cookie. Very cute!
My little cousins were adorable as ever, with Ben singing "Putting on the Ritz" for me and telling me about the new phone in his room (he's 4). CJ likes squeezing my face between his hands when I hold him, my fishy face is her favorite. And princess Karen was rocking out to Hannah Montana on her CD player and dancing for the racing crowd.
I also ran into my old friend Jack, and we should be getting together soon for drinks. He's a police officer and got stuck working the fair, poor thing!
Here are some pictures from the weekend:
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| Labor Day Weekend 2009 |
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Happy Dance Time!
I finished my two papers, I finished my two papers! And a day early to boot! They are off, sitting in my professors email box, so hopefully they were what he wanted. After much debate from the cohort, the only consensus we came up with is that no one knows what they hell we should have been doing! GREAT!
I took a mid-afternoon break with Mom and we drove all the way out to Frederick County to Emmittsburg. I love going to the Grotto out there in the mountains and just sitting peacefully. I lit a few candles and said some prayers, and hopefully they went from my lips to God's ears. We stopped at Baugher's family restaurant in Westminster on the way home, and I splurged with homemade ice cream for dessert. YUM! Hey, after getting rid of 42lbs, I deserve it!
Tomorrow I'm going to the State Fair to spend a day at the races. Hopefully they have the mini-piggie races again, as I want to take some pictures and pet the piggies! I can't find the picture I had taken a few years ago with me in the baby piggie, but I will have another to replace it. My family goes every year to the races on Labor Day, so this should be a fun event. I get to spend more time with the kids... I love my little cousins! My cousin John even entered tomatoes from his garden into the contest at the fair and one 1st place! We all think he's nuts, but he's goofy like that!
Speaking of piggies... the Pigtown festival is coming up next weekend - WOOT! hehe:)
I took a mid-afternoon break with Mom and we drove all the way out to Frederick County to Emmittsburg. I love going to the Grotto out there in the mountains and just sitting peacefully. I lit a few candles and said some prayers, and hopefully they went from my lips to God's ears. We stopped at Baugher's family restaurant in Westminster on the way home, and I splurged with homemade ice cream for dessert. YUM! Hey, after getting rid of 42lbs, I deserve it!
Tomorrow I'm going to the State Fair to spend a day at the races. Hopefully they have the mini-piggie races again, as I want to take some pictures and pet the piggies! I can't find the picture I had taken a few years ago with me in the baby piggie, but I will have another to replace it. My family goes every year to the races on Labor Day, so this should be a fun event. I get to spend more time with the kids... I love my little cousins! My cousin John even entered tomatoes from his garden into the contest at the fair and one 1st place! We all think he's nuts, but he's goofy like that!
Speaking of piggies... the Pigtown festival is coming up next weekend - WOOT! hehe:)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
And she's baaaaaaaaack!
Wow - what a day! So, it started at the gym with me being chatted up by two guys I haven't seen before. The one noticed my VJC tshirt and started talking to me about it, he graduated a few years after me. I also noticed them checking out my "downward facing dog" when I was in the stretching room. Interesting....
Then I worked on my paper for a bit, and got a new email from someone on okcupid. He seems nice, so I responded, we'll see how that goes. I'm also having drinks on Tuesday with a guy I met last summer... he found me on facebook and mentioned getting together as he'll be in town on Tuesday.
I moved on to the mall to do some retail therapy. On the way into lunch with mom, I got a "hey, how you doing?" from a few guys leaving the restaurant... interesting. Then when I went shopping I noticed that I am 2 sizes smaller than I was. I got a few really cute tops, and then my favorite purchase... I got a really short mini-skirt. My mom, even though I'm 30 years old, thinks everyone will think I'm a hooch if I go out in it without tights or leggins on, but damn it's sexy! My legs look great, especially in my 3 inch heels. I'm not exactly sure if I can sit down in it yet.... but it's hot. I also bought my next favorite thing to buy - bras and panties. I got some really cute matching sets... tis a pity I don't have anyone to show them off for!
Sitting on the Ave at White Marsh drinking my pure fruit smoothie is almost as good as sitting at the boardwalk in OC. WOW - there were some sights...
I feel empowered today!
Then I worked on my paper for a bit, and got a new email from someone on okcupid. He seems nice, so I responded, we'll see how that goes. I'm also having drinks on Tuesday with a guy I met last summer... he found me on facebook and mentioned getting together as he'll be in town on Tuesday.
I moved on to the mall to do some retail therapy. On the way into lunch with mom, I got a "hey, how you doing?" from a few guys leaving the restaurant... interesting. Then when I went shopping I noticed that I am 2 sizes smaller than I was. I got a few really cute tops, and then my favorite purchase... I got a really short mini-skirt. My mom, even though I'm 30 years old, thinks everyone will think I'm a hooch if I go out in it without tights or leggins on, but damn it's sexy! My legs look great, especially in my 3 inch heels. I'm not exactly sure if I can sit down in it yet.... but it's hot. I also bought my next favorite thing to buy - bras and panties. I got some really cute matching sets... tis a pity I don't have anyone to show them off for!
Sitting on the Ave at White Marsh drinking my pure fruit smoothie is almost as good as sitting at the boardwalk in OC. WOW - there were some sights...
I feel empowered today!
Interesting evening
Have you ever felt that everything was trying to send you a message of understanding and it was up to you to fit the pieces together and figure it out?
I was at work yesterday, (suffering from Ragweed, my coworker told me), when I read my horoscope like I normally do in the morning. It said something about seeing visions of angels and I was to listen to what they said and apply that to my life. I snickered, because I'm not one to see things like that... although I've been hearing a voice call me in the morning right before I wake up, which wakes me up. I thought it was my mother, but I found her sound asleep, so I don't know... anyway, I digress. (No, I'm not crazy.)
Last night, after having dinner with mom, we ran to the bookstore to pick up a few things. I needed my next bookclub book, and as usual I like to wander through the romance section to see what is available. I also picked up a new Buddhist book about finding intimacy in relationships, and especially finding it within yourself.
Nothing was on TV last night, as mom had the channel-changer, and I was working on my paper sitting on the couch. I happened to look up at one point, and Mom had put on the old show "Touched by an Angel." I didn't really think anything about it, or remember my horoscope until the show was 1/2 over. But I listened to their message anyway, as I am one to believe in signs. The story-line was about a married couple, and the husband cheated on the wife with a younger woman and got her pregnant. The pregnant couple was flying to France (he was going for a conference) and the wife had gotten on the plane to surprise the husband and meet him in France for their anniversary. The woman went into labor, after the wife realized what was going on, and the wife was the only doctor who could help. She said to her husband, "I am a woman of integrity, and I keep my vows - I am a doctor." She saved the baby, and the plane returned to the airport to try to save the mother. The angels were there throughout the delivery and at the hospital. The angels kept remarking how strong of a woman she is, and the husband was stupid. But then the angels did the normal thing in the show, when they appear to everyone and tell them what they should do and how to have faith. In a nutshell, the message was that everyone has a choice to forgive or be forgiven, and God wanted the relationship to work for some reason, and it is their free choice to do that or not. But know that God loves you, so much, and wants you to be happy, and share that love with others. They picked to forgive each other, and since the mother died, they decided to be a family and raise the baby together. They always loved each other.
I started reading the Buddhist book soon after that, called "Loving-Kindness." There were different quotes and lines that were standing out for me, and for once I wished I had a highlighter handy to mark them. I don't usually mark my books, but I had an urge to do so. Here are a few of the passages that struck me:
I was at work yesterday, (suffering from Ragweed, my coworker told me), when I read my horoscope like I normally do in the morning. It said something about seeing visions of angels and I was to listen to what they said and apply that to my life. I snickered, because I'm not one to see things like that... although I've been hearing a voice call me in the morning right before I wake up, which wakes me up. I thought it was my mother, but I found her sound asleep, so I don't know... anyway, I digress. (No, I'm not crazy.)
Last night, after having dinner with mom, we ran to the bookstore to pick up a few things. I needed my next bookclub book, and as usual I like to wander through the romance section to see what is available. I also picked up a new Buddhist book about finding intimacy in relationships, and especially finding it within yourself.
Nothing was on TV last night, as mom had the channel-changer, and I was working on my paper sitting on the couch. I happened to look up at one point, and Mom had put on the old show "Touched by an Angel." I didn't really think anything about it, or remember my horoscope until the show was 1/2 over. But I listened to their message anyway, as I am one to believe in signs. The story-line was about a married couple, and the husband cheated on the wife with a younger woman and got her pregnant. The pregnant couple was flying to France (he was going for a conference) and the wife had gotten on the plane to surprise the husband and meet him in France for their anniversary. The woman went into labor, after the wife realized what was going on, and the wife was the only doctor who could help. She said to her husband, "I am a woman of integrity, and I keep my vows - I am a doctor." She saved the baby, and the plane returned to the airport to try to save the mother. The angels were there throughout the delivery and at the hospital. The angels kept remarking how strong of a woman she is, and the husband was stupid. But then the angels did the normal thing in the show, when they appear to everyone and tell them what they should do and how to have faith. In a nutshell, the message was that everyone has a choice to forgive or be forgiven, and God wanted the relationship to work for some reason, and it is their free choice to do that or not. But know that God loves you, so much, and wants you to be happy, and share that love with others. They picked to forgive each other, and since the mother died, they decided to be a family and raise the baby together. They always loved each other.
I started reading the Buddhist book soon after that, called "Loving-Kindness." There were different quotes and lines that were standing out for me, and for once I wished I had a highlighter handy to mark them. I don't usually mark my books, but I had an urge to do so. Here are a few of the passages that struck me:
- Love for others without the foundation of love for ourselves becomes a loss of boundaries, codependency, and a painful and fruitless search for intimacy.
- We so often in our lives serve as a mirrors for one another. We look to others to find out if we ourselves are loveable; we look to others to fine out if we are capable of feeling love; we look to others for a reflection of our innate radiance.
- Seeing the goodness in someone does not imply ignoring difficult qualities or unskillful actions. Rather, we can fully acknowledge these difficulties, while at the same time we choose to focus on the positive. If we focus on the negative, we will naturally feel anger, resentment, or disappointment. If we focus on the positive, we will forge a connection to the person. Then as we look at their negative traits or actions, we do it as their friend. If two friends are looking at such difficult things, they do so standing side by side.
- The Pali word "metta" has two root meanings - "gentle" and "friend." To understand the power or the force of metta is to understand true friendship. The Buddha actually described at some length what he meant by being a good friend in the world. He talked about a good friend as someone who is constant in our times of happiness and also in our times of adversity or unhappiness. A friend will not forsake us when we are in trouble nor rejoice in our misfortune. The Buddha described a true friend as being a helper, someone who will protect us when we are unable to take care of ourselves, who will be a refuge to us when we are afraid... The culmination of metta is to become such a friend to oneself and all of life.
I read that book for awhile, and then I needed something a little more lighter while I ponder those meanings in the back of my head. I had picked up a romance called "So Into You" by one of my favorite authors Sandra Hill. She has a cajun series she writes, with an eccentric match-maker who tries to marry off all of her male relatives by praying to St. Jude (patron of hopeless cases) and making them a hope-chest. (She's also in her 90s and has her own "style" in clothing choices.) Anyway, I really didn't read the back of the book before picking it up, as I just normally like her books and figured it would be good.
The story is about a man named Angel (hmmm) who fell in love with his female best friend, Grace. Reading some of their interactions before he professed his love to her and ruined the relationship had a certain familiarity to them for me. He told her that he was in love with her, and wanted her to run away and marry him... she refused, saying she didn't love him in that way. What I found out so far, is that she really did, its just that she has a secret (she gave up a child for adoption and had an abortion before that) and is basically "paying for her sins" by not allowing herself to get into another relationship. Its a year later, and he's back in town... and the attraction is still there, and he still loves her, but he's trying to play it cool, but he's already mentally declared that she's his, and he's not taking no for an answer, she will fall in love with him. It always seems so easy in romance novels, doesn't it? I guess that's why they call them fiction! hehehe
Anyway, they say there aren't any coincidences in life. Others would say that I'm needing meaning so badly I'm looking at the facts and scewing them to fit the truth that I want. I'm just trying to see everything for what it is, and fall in love with me. I've always respected myself, and liked me, but now I just want to fall in love with me. No one can ever love me, as much as I can love myself, or as God can love me. Its not human nature to do that.
Now I got to finish this f-ing paper, and get my ass to the gym. I have more weight to lose!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
40 pounds!
My Raw Foods diet has been working really well.... I weighed-in at the gym this afternoon and I lost another pound. That means I have lost 40lbs since I started late last year, 10 of which in the last 3 weeks on the diet! WOOO HOOOO! I'm so proud of myself and the way I'm starting to look.
On the downside, my allergies decided to attack me today, and my nose is stuffy. No need to stay away from me, one cannot catch allergies. Hopefully the weather will pan out, and the pollen count will drop again.
I'm looking forward to the long weekend... I'm going to the races at the fair on Monday! Woo hoo! But I have to finish my paper first. I did a lot of work on it today, and I just have a bit more to do. It felt good taking a day off to veg and devote time to one thing. I always feel bad working on homework at work, but its really the only way I'm able to balance getting it done sometimes. Besides, I have nothing pressing going on currently. I'm teaching a couple classes in the next couple of weeks and have been working on client projects, but nothing is outstanding.
I also just put in a contest to win a log cabin! I hope I win! :) hehe
On the downside, my allergies decided to attack me today, and my nose is stuffy. No need to stay away from me, one cannot catch allergies. Hopefully the weather will pan out, and the pollen count will drop again.
I'm looking forward to the long weekend... I'm going to the races at the fair on Monday! Woo hoo! But I have to finish my paper first. I did a lot of work on it today, and I just have a bit more to do. It felt good taking a day off to veg and devote time to one thing. I always feel bad working on homework at work, but its really the only way I'm able to balance getting it done sometimes. Besides, I have nothing pressing going on currently. I'm teaching a couple classes in the next couple of weeks and have been working on client projects, but nothing is outstanding.
I also just put in a contest to win a log cabin! I hope I win! :) hehe
Feeling much better
I got a lot off of my chest... I have a new perspective, and now I can relax the rest of the day.
Sleeping in really helped me feel better. Then I saw outside for a few hours working on my paper. I got a lot done, but I have some more to do.
Now I'm gonna stick some gym clothes on and kick ass at the gym! I've lost 10lbs in the last 3 weeks on the new diet! May it continue!!!
Sleeping in really helped me feel better. Then I saw outside for a few hours working on my paper. I got a lot done, but I have some more to do.
Now I'm gonna stick some gym clothes on and kick ass at the gym! I've lost 10lbs in the last 3 weeks on the new diet! May it continue!!!
F*cking Shitty Week
I was talking to my coworker Lori today, relaying some stuff that is going on with her, and she said, "Damn, Amy, you are having a shitty week!" I laughed it off, but when I woke up at 3am this morning, I think she's right.
Why is my week shitty?
1. All the drama that happened this weekend.
2. I would have expected Sam to have called and talked to me about this, because he knows how furious I am.
3. Everyone reminding me that I was treated like shit.
4. Running my mouth at dinner last night, I didn't pay attention to what I was eating and stuffed myself on greasy fatty left-overs. Thus why I was up at 3am - Gallbladder attack.
5. Not being able to go back to sleep until my Gallbladder calms down. I really need to talk to my doctor about it when I go see her this coming month, but it only happens when I eat things that are bad for me.
6. Sitting in the bathroom, trying to find a comfortable position, because my stomach aches too... I really shouldn't have eaten that last night.
7. Blowing my nose around 5:00am, because I have allergies, and causing a nose bleed.
8. And the kicker, because of my anti-anxiety medicine, and my new outlook on an enlightened balanced life, I only see the humor not the pain, and I can't cry.
9. Sitting up in bed, clutching my pillow, not being able to cry, sucks.
Thus why I'm writing a blog in complaint. I think I'm calling in sick today.
Why is my week shitty?
1. All the drama that happened this weekend.
2. I would have expected Sam to have called and talked to me about this, because he knows how furious I am.
3. Everyone reminding me that I was treated like shit.
4. Running my mouth at dinner last night, I didn't pay attention to what I was eating and stuffed myself on greasy fatty left-overs. Thus why I was up at 3am - Gallbladder attack.
5. Not being able to go back to sleep until my Gallbladder calms down. I really need to talk to my doctor about it when I go see her this coming month, but it only happens when I eat things that are bad for me.
6. Sitting in the bathroom, trying to find a comfortable position, because my stomach aches too... I really shouldn't have eaten that last night.
7. Blowing my nose around 5:00am, because I have allergies, and causing a nose bleed.
8. And the kicker, because of my anti-anxiety medicine, and my new outlook on an enlightened balanced life, I only see the humor not the pain, and I can't cry.
9. Sitting up in bed, clutching my pillow, not being able to cry, sucks.
Thus why I'm writing a blog in complaint. I think I'm calling in sick today.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Guy Friends
I'm fortunate enough to have some really awesome guy friends in my life who really help me decode the confusing male behavior... shout out to Ryan, Joel, Owen, and Jeff!
In my conversation with Jeff and then with Joel later today, I'm learning that I need to set better boundaries. Sam and I did not have clear boundaries in my opinion. They started very clearly back in October, but began to get blurry when alcohol entered the mix. I'm just having a hard time reconciling the guy who treated me sweetly, and supported me through all of my shit - with someone who knew I was into him, not into me, and encouraged the blurry boundaries. I enjoyed the attention, but it wasn't helping me get over the emotions, it just made me dangle along even more. Pursuing someone in front of me, especially someone who told me she wasn't into him at all, was the wake up call that I needed.
It really is about waking up. Waking up to what is in front of my face, and not living in such isolation. I need to learn to see people for who they really are, not for who I want them to be.
In my conversation with Jeff and then with Joel later today, I'm learning that I need to set better boundaries. Sam and I did not have clear boundaries in my opinion. They started very clearly back in October, but began to get blurry when alcohol entered the mix. I'm just having a hard time reconciling the guy who treated me sweetly, and supported me through all of my shit - with someone who knew I was into him, not into me, and encouraged the blurry boundaries. I enjoyed the attention, but it wasn't helping me get over the emotions, it just made me dangle along even more. Pursuing someone in front of me, especially someone who told me she wasn't into him at all, was the wake up call that I needed.
It really is about waking up. Waking up to what is in front of my face, and not living in such isolation. I need to learn to see people for who they really are, not for who I want them to be.
Wednesday Post
It seems later in the week than it is, I actually thought today was Thursday for some reason. But its good to know that I have more time to work on my paper. Its not officially due until Labor Day, but I would like to finish it early so I can enjoy the weekend and the awesome weather. My friend Stephanie and I were giving each other electronic support in writing it yesterday afternoon. We'd work on it for 20mins, then email each other to chat, and then do another 20mins. We got about 2 hours of work in that way... its great to have someone to help motivate you!
I have great news to share, well, it's not really my news, but I love them so much I'm announcing it on my blog - My friends Ryan and Heather are engaged! WOOO HOOO! I'm so excited for them, congratulations!! I went out with them last night to happy hour at $1 beer night at Red Brick, and got to share in the good news! Happiness is priceless!
On another note, I'm still working on me. I really like me... well, I always have, but now I'm starting to see the full picture of me. Its a lot of fun discovering who I am, and everyone has been really supportive in that drive. Ryan also reminded me that I need to stop planning, anything longer than 6 months away is just a "hope." My only goal right now is to graduate, that's concrete and I will focus on that. Whatever happens, happens. Its a good reminder. I keep saying, especially in light of the drama that occurred this weekend "Lord, thy will be done." I'm okay again to let the Lord take me where I may, to learn what I need to learn. People have always said that I am an old soul, who operates on a different level than others, which may just mean I'm that much closer to enlightenment.
I'm trying to reconcile both sides of myself. There's this very flirty, teasing, sexy side of me that awakens with some men that I interact with... yet there is this innocent, sweet, gentle soul of me who wouldn't hurt a fly. Its two sides of a scale, and I haven't found balance in them yet. I'm either one extreme or the other, but I do know that I won't disrespect myself. And when I have enough, I walk away.
I have great news to share, well, it's not really my news, but I love them so much I'm announcing it on my blog - My friends Ryan and Heather are engaged! WOOO HOOO! I'm so excited for them, congratulations!! I went out with them last night to happy hour at $1 beer night at Red Brick, and got to share in the good news! Happiness is priceless!
On another note, I'm still working on me. I really like me... well, I always have, but now I'm starting to see the full picture of me. Its a lot of fun discovering who I am, and everyone has been really supportive in that drive. Ryan also reminded me that I need to stop planning, anything longer than 6 months away is just a "hope." My only goal right now is to graduate, that's concrete and I will focus on that. Whatever happens, happens. Its a good reminder. I keep saying, especially in light of the drama that occurred this weekend "Lord, thy will be done." I'm okay again to let the Lord take me where I may, to learn what I need to learn. People have always said that I am an old soul, who operates on a different level than others, which may just mean I'm that much closer to enlightenment.
I'm trying to reconcile both sides of myself. There's this very flirty, teasing, sexy side of me that awakens with some men that I interact with... yet there is this innocent, sweet, gentle soul of me who wouldn't hurt a fly. Its two sides of a scale, and I haven't found balance in them yet. I'm either one extreme or the other, but I do know that I won't disrespect myself. And when I have enough, I walk away.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What makes me feel beautiful?
I was distracting myself from writing the paper when I saw a really interesting article on CNN. An author was writing about what made her feel beautiful, and it was when her work helps other women.
So I started thinking, what makes me feel beautiful?
Well, there is the superficial things. For instance when I'm wearing a cute dress and heels. Or when I just get my haircut. But there are a few times when I felt beautiful just because...
So I started thinking, what makes me feel beautiful?
Well, there is the superficial things. For instance when I'm wearing a cute dress and heels. Or when I just get my haircut. But there are a few times when I felt beautiful just because...
- when someone genuinely smiles at me, and their eyes light up
- after an intense yoga practice and I feel limber and free
- Walking outside and the cool breeze hits my skin
- when I'm training with a group of leaders and they tell me that I'm amazing and had awesome fun with me
- When I'm swinging on the swings
- when I'm flying along the river in a speed boat and the wind is whipping my hair
- when I'm playing with my young cousins and their pudgy little messy hands reach over and grab my face between them and rub their nose with mine
- when something awkward or funny happens and I happen to catch someone's eye at the time and they wink at me
- walking down the street and holding hands with someone
- when I check out my own legs in the mirror of the gym when I'm wearing bike shorts - my legs are hot
- when I finish a knitting project
- On a fall day when I can start wearing my fuzzy sweater
- my favorite pair of jeans and moccasins
- Helping someone who needs it
- late night chats with the girls
- being complimented for my intelligence
- when I'm told that I deserve better
- when my giggles turn into deep belly laughs and I can't contain myself
- when I look at other people with kindness and compassion
- when I sing in church while sitting in my pew, and the light always seems to come into the window and find me directly... I usually get chills
Tuesday
Gosh this paper is getting on my fucking nerves. Apparently my new favorite word is "fuck" or "fucking". Isn't that sweet and wholesome? Bitch.
So my new slogan I read about in my Buddhist book is "Be grateful to all people." I nearly choked and spit because of that. The sarcastic snickering was the best I've done in a while. However, honestly, it is the truth. People who you meet and have experiences with are supposed to teach you something. And the same kind of people keep showing up until you learn the lesson.
What have I learned since Saturday?
I'm in no mood to even begin to go into that now. But its a lesson I needed.
So my new slogan I read about in my Buddhist book is "Be grateful to all people." I nearly choked and spit because of that. The sarcastic snickering was the best I've done in a while. However, honestly, it is the truth. People who you meet and have experiences with are supposed to teach you something. And the same kind of people keep showing up until you learn the lesson.
What have I learned since Saturday?
I'm in no mood to even begin to go into that now. But its a lesson I needed.
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