Connections

I really like the Buddhist book I'm reading now, as it is speaking to a place inside of me that I always knew existed, but was not sure how to verbalize. I just read the chapter on desire and attachment and how those things are not love. Its true, if you say you love someone, yet they can do something to break the love you feel for them, then its not true Buddha love that you feel. Once you love someone, or yourself, it is something that just doesn't go away.

The chapter went on to explain that desire and attachment can feel like love, but it makes us do things like be clingy and irrational because we are so desperate to hold onto it. We are so afraid of loss that we fight so heavily for something that doesn't really exist. It is through true detachment that we can find real love. Detachment means that my happiness does not hinge on a set of unrealistic principles and requirements I have for people. I just love, because I love. My soul likes that concept. I've started being more awake to my feelings and the goodness I feel inside is my soul shinning.

I've always been told that I am so giving and loving, and I think it is because I've been trying all my life to find that kind of love. Love that doesn't rely on me performing some action, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, or enjoying certain things. Total acceptance for the life I live is what I have been searching for. However, the only one who can give me that is myself. It is human nature for others to expect us to behave/act/look in a certain way. So the only way to get that is to square it with yourself.

I think I have always known that no other person can love me like that. Or love me like that and feel sexual chemistry with me at the same time. I think that is why I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, or walked-on, or sat quietly by while I was treated like shit. I was trying to accept anything that they were capable of giving, because I knew that they could never love me like I wanted to be loved. Their best was good enough... but it wasn't really.

It is a balance of searching for the humanly impossible, and accepting inperfection.